Isn’t it just too much for one person to handle? I feel powerless. This is not something that I expected.

I have never thought that after getting out of my parents power my life will even more. Being with Jongin I realized that I’m actually longing for feelings. Something I never experienced. Something I never knew.

It’s an arranged marriage and I know about it. He assured me from the start that he will never love me. Yes, for a moment I expected love. But who wouldn’t if they heard words ‘marriage’ or ‘husband’? But after his words I didn’t even expect that to occur in future. I just wanted a normal life without lies, without pretending, without being a puppet, without beating, with a person to talk to, who will simply accept me and maybe care about me. I hoped we will get along with each other. Nothing more. But here I am, lying on the floor, crying, like every single night.

Why Jongin’s actions hurt so much? I mean, I have been through this for many years already. His actions are the same as my dad’s. Abusing, calling names and now even beating. But even if my dad’s beating was a lot worse why I’m crying right now so much? Is it because my hopes for normal life are really crushed?

Come to think of it, I’m partly responsible for what happened tonight. I knew he was extremely drunk. And I got mad and carried away, first implying that he is around, and second when I slapped him. But I really was mad that he hit me for the second time. How could he? Why? He was not in the position to do that! What rights does he have to do such things! My father at least have done so much for me. Home, education, money. Except for lack of feelings and honesty, I had everything. Everything material that person needs. I was grateful to him. When he was beating me, yelling at me, calling me names, I didn’t cry. At first, when I was little, yes. But as I was growing up, there were only empty tears or no tears at all. It was to the point that I thought I have no tears anymore to cry. But being with Jongin I got to know that I have.

And maybe I was also mad that I had this great day, filled with happiness and he ruined it.

I couldn’t help it, my emotions just came out. It was just a mere second when my hand reacted first and I slapped him. And I greatly regretted it later. There was something in his eyes that scared me to death. And what he did after just made me sure that I’m scared of him.

I thought he will be my savior but he turned out to be my torturer.

After crying all my tears I did what I always have done in situation like this. I took aid kit, went to the bathroom and with help of the mirror I put medicaments on my face and neck to not make marks visible.

***

Days passed and again I haven’t dared to tell him even one word, nor look at him. I didn’t even leave the apartment to not make him mad. I was damn scared of him after what happened last time. I put aside my dream about working. As always I made him dinner, and since I couldn’t sleep, I also made him breakfast. He haven’t ate it. He haven’t even looked at it. But I made it anyway because I was scared that when I will not do so, he will get mad and do even more horrible things than that night. But he still behaved like I wasn’t even there. At day time he was at work, then he went out with his friends, came back home late but not that drunk and since I haven’t said a word to him and stayed at home, we didn’t fight. On weekends he locked himself at his home office.

'We have a party to attend next week, on Friday night. So take a good sleep from now on to make yourself look bearable because your eye bags are terrible. I don’t want others to see you look like crap,' he announced one day. He then, came back from work, surprisingly sober and pretty early. But once again just passed by me and went into his bedroom.

He spoke to me first and I hoped for a little conversation. But that was it. He just said what he wanted and disappeared.

I rearranged his shoes to make everything look neatly when I heard his bedroom doors being opened. I looked up and saw him coming at me. Did something happen? Did something make him mad that he is coming back? Is there something wrong in his room? Badly done bed? Dirty carpet? What is he going to do to me? That was all I could think about as I took step back.

I saw him reaching out his hand at my direction so I immediately closed my eyes expecting burning pain on my cheek. My heart started to bet like crazy.

'Here, take this,' I heard him say.

I opened my eyed and looked at his face and then down, at his hand. He was holding a pile of money.

'Take it. And buy yourself a nice dress to that party. Something simple, pretty and classy. Not too fancy. Looking at your clothes I think I can trust you on this,' he said, grabbed my wrist and put money in my hand.

It was just a second but his touch gave me a weird feeling in my stomach.

Then, he just casually went back to his bedroom.

I blinked my eyes a few times in a surprise. What did just happen?

Jongin’s POV

This is all I can do for you now, I thought as I came back to my room. I shut the door and lied my back on it.  

I’m really not that bad of a person and I sincerely regret what I did to her. I hit her. I hit a woman. That’s true that she was asking for it and I was drunk and couldn’t control myself properly. But I should have never, ever do such a thing. Being not nice to her is one thing but hurting her physically is another. I don’t have any feelings for her so if she is hurt because of my harsh words, I don’t really care. But I shouldn’t touch her.

I wanted to apologize but I didn't even know how to do that. What was I suppose to say? What was I suppose to do? I don't really know. So I decided to do nothing and act like nothing happened. We didn't even share conversations which was making things even more complicated and difficult since it meant that if I want to say my apologies I need to say something first, be the first one to speak. And I didn't know where to start.

Come to think of it, simple sorry won't do much so why bother to say anything? Plus, she also slapped me. So we were even. 

And why was I even acting like this? Why am I so possessive over her when I’m drunk? Calling her my wife and such, telling that she should stay at home.

Is it because of her? My first love. Is it because I still can’t get over that she left me?