Chapter 21

Longing for Feelings

Your POV

It was my second time in Jongin’s bedroom. And first time in his bed. I felt nervous but somehow safe, when he softly laid himself beside me.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ He asked quietly, like his voice was cracking. He must still feel unwell.

I nod my head in reply. After all the crying I couldn’t speak a word because my breathing was unstable. I cried out the whole year of pain he caused me so I panted heavily from time to time. Jongin must have noticed that because he rolled himself on side to face me. I was waiting for another questions, instead his hands reached me and pulled closer, pressing my head against his lips. I felt the urge to cry once again but I swallowed the tears.

‘Don’t hold yourself.’ Really nothing can escape his attention. ‘You are now in the only place you can cry, my arms. So don’t hold them back.’
If he only didn’t say anything, I would be okay. But his words went straight to my heart breaking it once again. Tears escaped my eyes one by one quietly. Why he acts like such a sweetheart now? Why now, when he did such a terrible thing and I decided not to love him anymore, doing a pretty good job at putting down my feelings. And why I can’t resist the impression this is exactly what I needed and wanted? Why I wanted his arms to hug me, when in fact he is the one who made me suffer? Why I longed for comfort from my tormentor?

‘I’m so sorry,’ Jongin said and I backed away to look at him, because I hoped to see the true intentions in his eyes. But he wasn’t deceiving me this time. ‘I know I have hurt you many times, instead of being the one who protects you.’ He caressed my cheek with his thumb. ‘I’m truly sorry. I hope you will…’ his voice broke. ‘I hope you will forgive me one day.’

My stomach cramped unpleasantly seeing him like this. I wanted to also give him a little comfort, so just like he was doing, I put my hand on his perfect face and fondle it with my thumb but quickly backed away as I was getting embarrassed from his stare.

‘Jongin-ssi, about Luhan…’ I mumbled to his neck.

‘I know. Don’t worry. I talked to him already.’ He my hair. ‘And…’ he hesitated. ‘I… the girl…’

‘The one from the picture?’ I asked gloomily.

‘Um… Yes… Jiyeon… Nothing happened. I know I made it sound like it… because I was… um… mad. But really nothing happened. She came to the meeting instead of her father, because he felt unwell. That’s why we met. And it was only once. You can confirm it with my dad that he is one of the shareholders. I didn’t even know she came back. But it’s only for this moth and she will be gone to London again. I’m not meeting her, I swear.’

‘But she…’ I wanted to complain but at that moment I thought how kiss on the cheek is not a big deal for foreigners. I lived in States, so I know. And since she lived in London, maybe it also became natural for her. It just got to me that I wasn’t jealous or mad she did it but that she was able to. That she could and me not.

‘Ah… it’s not like I let her do all those things.’ It seemed he read my mind. ‘I didn’t want them either. I was just surprised and couldn’t react properly. And… for what happened after…’ He went silent for a while. ‘Please… just trust me,’ he whispered and I felt a wet drop on my temple.

I immediately looked up. Jongin kept his eyes shut tightly. It was only one tear but my heart started aching. Again, I put my hand on his cheek and wipe the wet trace.

‘I’m not mad,’ I answered and smiled a little. ‘I trust you.’

He opened his eyes, blinked a few times and began to look at me with mysterious expression for quite a time. I’m sure it were only seconds, but under his intense stare it felt like eternity, making me embarrassed again.

‘Last time… I don’t know what happened but please, don’t cry this time,’ he pleaded.

I was a little confused about the last time phrase but soon, it was all clear, when he fixed his eyes on my lips before kissing them sweetly. It was just like the peck on our wedding but longer, which made my heart flutter. I wanted it so much that without much thought, I also closed my eyes and given in myself to him. He then backed away, just to kiss me once again and again, making it more passionate each time. He started to nibble a bit and kiss my bottom lip before fully parting my mouth and invading them with his hot, wet tongue, while holding my head and deepening our kiss more. I felt hot and excited in my whole body but wanted to cry at the same time. Cry tears of happiness. We were close to losing our breaths so he slowed down, step by step, going back to the moment his soft, full lips touched mine for the first time.

‘I hope this time I gave you a proper first kiss,’ he smiled a little and I replied him also with a shy smile, before hiding my face in his neck out of embarrassment.

I placed my hands on his chest, while he wrapped his arms around me. In silence, we fully enjoyed this moment. I felt like every single cell in my body is exploding with happiness. I snuggled deeper in his warm body, smelling his fragrance from sheets and his neck.

 

 

Jongin’s POV

I opened my eyes and the night was pitchy dark. Only a small lamp on the night table gave a dim light to the room. I looked at her, feeling my arm is sore but smile formed on my face anyway. Being able to hold this powerless, fragile girl made me so happy. It felt like I’m some kind of hero, protecting her from all the harm, so she can sleep peacefully. I never experienced anything like this before.

I smiled again seeing her cutely frown a bit in a sleep. How much of a bastard am I, to never truly appreciate how pretty she is. My finger gently touched her soft skin. Forehead, eye, nose, I traced it through her features, cheek… I swallowed my saliva and felt heavy in whole body. My eyes traveled to her arm, giving me more burden. I hated myself at that moment for letting her body be bruised like this, for being the reason of these bruises, for causing her pain. Chin, lips… I tried to imagine the corners go up in a smile but couldn’t. I have seen her smile so rarely, that I wasn’t able bring up the memory of image with her smiling face. How much I have wronged her, how much pain I caused her, what she went through because of me, how much I hurt her, how much of a damage I made, to take away her smile, I don’t think I will know. I never got the chance and guts to tell her I regret all the bad things I did. That for days, whenever I closed my eyes, I saw heartbreaking fear in her eyes full of tears, when I try to touch her, like she was afraid I would hit her. The worst image every loving man can ever think of.
On the spur of the moment, I tenderly put my lips on hers and closed my eyes to fully enjoy this jiff of affection.

 

There will come the day when I will tell her everything. What she means to me, how precious she is, how she changed me, that she is my life, my breath, my world, my love. That I can’t be without her. I will confess to her that I love her, hoping that she has already, truly, also fallen for me. I will tell her my story.

 

 

Your POV

When I woke up, it was almost dawn. To my surprise, Jongin still held me in his arms, close to his body. I’m always cold at nights and need to cover with quilt tightly, sometimes even wear socks because my feet are freezing. However, this time the bed was pleasantly warm and cozy. I looked at Jongin’s face and smiled. His dark hair beautifully contrasted with white sheets, making him appear godly.
This time, I decided not to kid myself, to stop overthinking, wondering if it will work out this time, if he will change, will it be different, did he reflect on his actions. I didn’t want put my hopes high and end up being hurt again. Maybe one day will come and I will tell him everything. What he means to me, how he changed me, how he woke up the feelings inside me. I will confess to him that I love him, hoping that he has already, truly, also fallen for me. I will tell him my story.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I finally finished it~!
Once again, I'm really sorry for taking suuuuuuch a long break.
Thank you sooooooo much for all the upvotes, subscribes (holly ! It's 334! ;o) and comments. You are the best <3
You are all angles for not giving up on me or this story, even after half year of unannounced hiatus. It's thanks to your constant interest and comments I decided to wrap this up. You don't know how grateful I'm <3
This may be not what I imagined to write and I think my writing skill worsened after the hiatus xD I hope you are not disappointed.
I also hope I didn't make you hate Kai/Jongin much :D Irl he is really a cutie ^.^ Just look at his smiling face ^.^
Thank you so much once again, my wonderful readers <3

 

Hmmm... Should I add a after-story chapter...? xD 

Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
MiaFox_117
#1
Chapter 2: hehe back for a re-read ^u^
_Nora_0607
905 streak #2
Chapter 18: He has hit her twice.. no way she should be with him
_Nora_0607
905 streak #3
Chapter 14: I wish I could slap some sense in him and she should have pushed him away sooner
_Nora_0607
905 streak #4
Chapter 8: What an act huh
_Nora_0607
905 streak #5
Chapter 7: Only of I could hit all of them
_Nora_0607
905 streak #6
Chapter 4: These types of men :)
_Nora_0607
905 streak #7
Chapter 2: lol what is wrong with him? Didn't he say not to make dinner for him? Then why is he saying that now! He's being ridiculous
_Nora_0607
905 streak #8
Chapter 1: I feel sorry for her
MiaFox_117
#9
Chapter 22: This. story. is. amazing!
MINSUGA2 #10
Chapter 4: This dude has some serious problem.