Chapter 1

不善始者不善终(bú shàn shǐ zhě bù shàn zhōng)

a bad beginning makes a bad ending - Chinese proverb

Luhan can tell when a person is dying.

It is not really a power. Eventhough his family is typical conservative Chinese; Luhan is not particularly superstitious. He thinks it is intuition, just like how some people can tell when it will rain.

The first time he finds out his gut feelings is right was when his friend got leukaemia at the age of twelve. His friend was full of life, always cracking jokes and shrugging off anything bad. Luhan is lifting his hand from his smack on his friend's shoulder like he does every morning when suddenly it feels like the bottom of his stomach gave way. His friend’s movements abruptly become exaggeratedly slow and lethargic. The yellow tinge under his skin is heightened. Then his friend gives him a weird expression and asks him if he feels alright.

Luhan cries whenever his friend’s spot by the door is empty. The story is just he is sick, so everybody thinks Luhan is soft – until a few weeks later when the chair and table disappears from the classroom and the teacher tells them why. His classmates round up on him, demanding to know how he knew although the doctor had said he could have lasted it out longer. Luhan says nothing.

Luhan avoids hospitals like a plague. It makes him dizzy to the point of fainting.

He comes to Korea in his late teenage years. He is bright and cheerful. Training is long and tiring, but SM building radiates youth and vitality so he is not particularly bothered.

Yixing hurts his waist one day during training.  That night, he sits at the kitchen table with a bottle of aspirin and a half-empty glass. His face looks pinched and his hand keeps going to his side. Chen keeps coming into the kitchen, giving non-subtle glances to Yixing’s way, and then leaving without saying much. Yixing tries to pull age rank and tells Chen not to worry the others who are tired; he will wait for the managers.

So Chen goes to Luhan’s room, where the senior is half-asleep on his bed. Chen shakes him by the shoulder. Luhan mumbles a few choice words, but opens his eyes. The Korean member is quiet by nature, but it is obvious something has disturbed his tranquillity.

Between Chen’s worried but calm state, Luhan’s insistent urge to check the injury immediately, and the growing pain by his side, Yixing had little choice but to allow himself be whisked to the hospital. Luhan supports him most of the way there. He is doubled over in pain by then and tells Chen he takes back all the choice words he said before and loves them even more, so if they want to take his firstborn’s name it is completely fine. Chen laughs, but in the corner of his eye he sees Luhan has turned several shades paler.

“Are you okay?” Chen asks, and got two simultaneous replies, “I’m fine.” Luhan and Yixing exchange glances and crack up. The atmosphere is still relatively light.

But Luhan is unable to shrug off the heavy weight that seems to bear down on his shoulders. He does not know why and it frustrates him. The choreographer snaps at him more than once during practice. Kris pulls him aside. Luhan is fully prepared with a retort, and maybe a wide-eyed expression. Unexpectedly, Kris only tells him to be less worried; Yixing is fine after the hospital visit.

Yixing is fine after the hospital visit.

The seed of doubt is planted in his mind.

Luhan avoids Yixing for a few days, instead attaching himself to Min-seok. Luhan insists on playing one-on-one football and improving his Mandarin after training ends.  Min-seok is good-natured and agrees easily.  He tackles Luhan for the ball during their Friday game. Luhan tries to shove him off but Min-Seok instead laughs and rolls on his back on the grass. They are debuting soon, and these ‘care-free’ days are numbered.

The sky is dark. Luhan nearly falls asleep on the grass despite being wet and muddy; that is how tired he is. His mind is foggy when Min-seok tells him to make up with Yixing. He uses Mandarin and does not know the words and ends up saying “Kiss, kiss” which is definitely not something Luhan has taught him in their lessons.

“How did you learn that word?” teases Luhan, trying to deviate from the topic.

“Yixing told me. He thinks he did something wrong to you,” Min-seok replies, switching back to Korean where the words do not get stuck in is throat. He sounds sad, but maybe that is because of the language barrier he is still trying to break down.

Again, Luhan says nothing.

“Don’t cry,” Tao says, offering his packet of tissue and two handkerchiefs, which he always packs in his bag given his propensity to tear up. “We’ll do better in the next performance.”

Kris echoes his words and they all huddle in for a spontaneous group hug. Their debut stage is soon, and the manager’s yells are becoming more serious. It is borderline frightening.

Luhan cries harder. He is not the only one with wet cheeks, but the few nervous fumbles are his fault so the guilt is exponentially larger. He accidentally touched Yixing’s hand as they changed position in mid-choreography.

It still feels like someone has punched his gut and stomped all over his body. He aches to his bones. Yixing puts an arm around Luhan and Luhan cringes and he knows.

TBC