I wake up in the middle of the night, my eyes shot wide open as I just had a bad dream. Well more like a memory. What happened earlier today came flashing back into my dreams. When I walked on my girlfriend cheating on me with my best friend and how hurt it felt to hear her moan another person’s name in the same bed we shared for two years and a half. The pain was unbearable. Moreover, that text message she sent me keeps replaying in my head. Did she really think that ‘sorry’ is enough?
I put those nagging thoughts behind me as I can feel my head resting on something warm. My hands trail down the soft skin of Siwon’s chest. I lift my head up and there he is sleeping peacefully. I lean on my elbow marvelling the details of his face as my fingers lightly touch every inch from his forehead, to his thick eyebrows, to the small mole just above his nose and to the perfect pink lips ... I wonder what it will be like waking up to this sight every morning. I have never seen someone so gorgeous as this man. Although I don’t know him yet, but it’s not something undeniable that this man has a lot of females around him, heck even males!
My eyes wander down to the rest of his body that is still naked after what we did yesterday. I have to admit that Siwon is so manly and perfectly so sexy. I can feel my face heat up just thinking about what we’ve done last night. I never encountered such a wonderful heat before.
The one who kindly looked after me is this person, and I slept with him. I never thought I could be loved by a man but apparently I can. However, I wonder how he will feel once he wakes up. Is he going to regret what happened? Is he going to realize what a dirty man I am and throw me out? Or maybe he would just embrace me and protect me from any further pain.
I really want to trust him and believe that he’s a good man but even if I do, I can’t just forget about the painful things by indulging my body and brain in another relationship. This man also had been hurt. He lost someone he loved just like I did. But it’s been two years and he seems fine by now. However, it’s not the same for me. I’m still hurt and angry at the people who betrayed me and also at the world. It wouldn’t be right if let myself be with him when I’m in this state. I meant it when I said I’m no good for you Siwon. So I have to leave …
Kyuhyun slowly climbs off bed. He puts his boxers and shorts that were scattered on the floor and walks out to the living room to take his t-shirt. He stares at the couch for a few seconds as his face turns crimson and his lips prick a smile. It’s where he, unlike his usual self, made the first move on Siwon when he kissed him, which led to their hot session later on.
Once he’s fully clothed, Kyuhyun takes a glance at the time and wonders where he can go at this hour, as it’s only 5am. He carefully steps back into the bedroom tip toeing because he doesn’t want to wake Siwon up, as his eyes start wandering around the room looking for something. He takes a few steps around and there on the desk he finds a small paper and a pen. He picks them up, takes one last glance at the sleeping man and then walks out of the room.
Kyuhyun takes a seat on the kitchen’s counter and starts writing a note. Once done, he sticks it on the fridge before heading to the door. He doesn’t dare to take another look, afraid he may chicken out if he does. He puts on the sneakers Siwon gave him at the hospital and there he is out of the door and out of Siwon's life as well.
When Kyuhyun fell into the river, he lost his phone and his wallet. So when he was getting out of Siwon’s apartment, he took some change that was scattered on the coffee table, just enough to make a certain phone call.
Once Siwon signed my discharged papers, he went out to get the car so I waited for him at the hospital entrance. It was already dark and I could see that it was still raining.
“Kyuhyun-ssi … Kyuhyun-ssi”
I heard someone calling my name so I turned around and found the doctor who treated me running towards me
“Doctor Lee. Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I just wanted to give you this” He nervously scratched his nape while handing me what looked like his business card. I stared at it for a few seconds reading what was written, then I looked at him, with my eyebrows frowning, confused. He must’ve felt it though, because he added
“Just in case you ever need something. Call me anytime you want, okay?” I felt my mouth unconsciously form a smile. After what happened this morning, my heart and mind built a wall between me and the people I meet. It's going to be hard to trust people so easily again. The hurt I felt and is still feeling is too much that I don’t want to let people in anymore. I never want to feel that way again.
My ex-girlfriend always used to tell me how naive I am. How I'm always kind to people and can't say no. Maybe that's why I’m here waiting for Siwon to take me wherever he’d like to, and I’m not the slight anxious about it. I know I said I wouldn't trust easily again, but it felt different with him. HE was different.
Well maybe she was right, because this young doctor who's smiling foolishly at me, I couldn't help but smile back at him. It felt good to know that someone will be there for me, but the wall I built seems to stop me from taking a step forward.
“Thank you Doctor Lee”
“It’s Donghae. We’re the same age so just call me Donghae” He had a baby face so I didn’t imagine we would be the same age.
> Yes this is him <
”I-It’s Kyuhyun. Cho Kyuhyun”
> Kyuhyun-ssi? Is everything okay? <
”Yes. I’m sorry I’m calling you this early b-but…”
> No it’s okay. I just got off work. What do you need Kyuhyun-ssi <
”C-can you pick me up?”
> What? What happened? <
”Do you mind if I tell you everything once we meet?”
> Of course. Where are you now? <
”hmm SuJu, route 1013”
> I know that place. Stay put, I’ll be there in fifteen <
> No worries. See you soon <
As much as I want to believe that you were sent for me to make up for my loss and betrayal, my mind can’t accept it. I’m not saying that I didn’t feel something for you because I did, I do. Yesterday was by far the best night in my whole life. It was amazing and you made me feel like the most precious person on earth. I never thought I can be loved by a man but you proved me wrong.
I’m sorry for leaving just like this but I can’t deal with this at the moment. Like I told you yesterday I’m broken, so if I engage with you in something right now it won’t be healthy for neither of us, we will just mess up what we felt for each other.
Siwon, I’m not ready for this. I can’t deny what you made me feel because it was beyond what anyone can ever imagine. But my world just came tumbling down on me and by jumping in another relationship, no matter with whom, I know it will turn out really bad. Just know that it really hurts to leave you like this but I’m afraid I’ll back out if I look at you again.
However, please understand that by leaving, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. Because, strangely, it’s too late to look away and unfeel what I feel for you, look away and unsee what I see in you.
Just like fireworks, the colour and the light are beautiful, but you can’t do anything but look at them. Because if you held one in your hand, you’d be burned terribly. So even if I cling to this feeling, it’s not as if the hurt and the betrayal is ever going to be forgotten, is it? And I’m sure that I’m going to feel pain even worse than this in the future if I stay. You don't deserve that Siwon.
Well I don’t know about you, but I believe that if we’re destined together, our paths will cross again. So please don’t look for me. If you really believe in what we shared last night, if you also felt the way I felt, please don’t find me. I’m not ready yet.
If we ever meet again and we find out that we’re feeling the same way, I believe that I won’t let you go again.
PS: I’m sorry. I had to take your clothes. Maybe I’ll return them someday :)
And I took some change from the coffee table, just enough to make a phone call because I lost my wallet.
Thank You and until we meet again
Siwon’s face turned paler with each word he read and his heart beat was racing fast. However by the end of the note, Siwon smiles.
Of course he doesn’t want to give up on Kyuhyun, the man who let him feel love again, the stranger that immediately caught his heart simply by being him. But as much as Siwon knows that even if his feelings for Kyuhyun are already strong, he also knows that this isn’t the right time. Maybe if they met before Siwon’s accident, maybe if Kyuhyun hadn’t been cheated on, just maybe ... they might've worked it out.
Siwon can’t help but read the note over and over again. He trusts in destiny and love at first sight, so just the thought that Kyuhyun believes that if they were meant to be together then their paths will cross again, gives him hope. Because In his heart, Siwon knows that until the next time they meet again, he, at least, will never be the same, ever again.
”I’m not going to look for you Cho Kyuhyun, because I know we’ll meet again. I believe we’ll find each other again, and when we do ... I’m not going to let go of you either”
There are 10,183,705 people in Seoul and it’s a long shot for the two to meet again, especially since they know nothing about each other’s lives. But if one thing they have in common is that they both believe in the feelings they shared the night before, the sweet moments they spent together and the tingling sensation that’s burning in their hearts.
”Kyu, Kyu … Guess what!”
“You scared me! Don’t you ever knock?” Kyuhyun jolted as Donghae barged in to his room, disturbing him from playing his favourite game Starcraft.
“What’s the fun in that?”
Kyuhyun sent him a death glare that Donghae had seen too many times to ever forget
“Anyway, I met someone” He added while sitting comfortably on bed across from Kyuhyun
“And we’re having our first date tomorrow night, isn’t that awesome?”
“Good. Have fun” Kyuhyun said before returning his gaze to his laptop
“Aren’t you a buzz killer? You should stop burying yourself in just games and work and look for someone too”
Kyuhyun's eyes widen at that statement, but he doesn't show it, without lifting his head, he answers
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you’re getting old! Come on Kyu, it has already been Two Years now. Can’t you move on already? Do you still love her?”
Her? I never told him about Siwon.
Siwon … I wonder how he’s doing …
What a skip! More details in the next chapter ;)
Thank you for reading and commenting ♥
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