Epilogue Part (1/2) : A Bird Without Feet
We laughed together
We cried together
We created beautiful memories to remember
Yesterday when those memories were engraved
Today when we repeat them
Tomorrow when we will smile to remember them
For me, it will be always ‘us’
Even when we get separated
I have a lot of friends. Among of them, there is someone. A special friend. My bestfriend. Lee Sungmin.
We did all fun things together, sometime fight each other too hahaha…. I’ve known him since we’re 7 years old. We had a secret place to play around without our parents or other kids knew. We often played sliding with a tiny wood cart in the morning or bumping and rolling each other on a green lawn. In a small valley near greentea field. In Boseong.
We were so happy and wanted to be peterpan forever. But it’s impossible. Because people’s growing up.
As we reached our teenagers, we started to gain so much curiosity over new things. We started to have some secrets and to respect other privacy. We learned many things. For example, we discovered that a rushing heartbeats was not only because of you felt nervous or afraid of something, but also because of strange feeling which people called ‘Love’.
Maybe everyone has a lot of versions what the love is. Maybe in a moment, you have only one definition of love. When you want to love and to be loved back. Or when you want someone to be yours and you to be her/his. That kind of love may have been felt often by everyone. For me too.
But how if you have a certain feeling that yourself aren’t even sure which word that suit enough to call it in any dictionary.
It’s not surprising if some of you wouldn’t understand, but I had that kind of feeling. Once.
I felt my life’s perfect just by seeing his smile. Even if I had somebody else beside me, I felt alive just remembering his smile. People often said if you felt like there’s butterfly in your stomach, then it would be called as love. But what’s this feeling then? The feeling that made me nearly forget how to take a breath. And I really hoped that he happened to have the same feeling as me.
There was a time when I wanted to hold your hand longer than before
There was a time when I wanted to hug you tighter than usual
There was a time when I wanted you to be mine
But this kind of love
Just like a bird without feet
riding the wind to fly through the sky
it land to the earth just once
that is when it dies
From friends turned into lovers. I and Sungmin saw it a lot. Once, I tempted to develope ours like that. But we also witnessed that lovers couldn’t be back to friends again.
If you break up with your lover whom previously your bestfriend, you may end up to be friend again but I’m sure it will never be same like before.
Friends – Lovers – Stranger. That’s what I feared about and I noticed Sungmin felt the same too.
“I thought they loved each other” I hugged his crying figure to comfort him. His mom and dad had divorced.
“Hyukjae, I don’t want us to break up” he said between his sobs. That’s when I realized that ‘Love’ was forbidden to the both of us.
And then he left. He left Boseong. I wanted to againt his decision but I knew that time, we’re unstable.
Ten years apart helped both of us back to our former feeling. Best Friend
We still contacted each other by sending letters. We became pen pal. It might a bit old fashioned but we had been doing this since we’re in elementary school (eventhough our seat was near to each other in class XD).
We could text or call each other, but it couldn’t be saved. Human memories is limited. I wanted to remember all of our moments. Sungmin letters. I kept all of them in a secret box. Just like a Time Capsule. By rereading his letters and looking forward to his next letter, made me felt like he’s still beside me. I can live with that.
We are separated
But when I close my eyes
I can feel your presence
Call me insane
Throw me to the black hole
I just can’t deny it
I can survive with that
In ten years, we lived our life just like common people. We studied in school, graduated, and fell in love. I met Donghae and he met Kyuhyun. With Donghae, I could certain that it was love. I blushed everytime he smiled at me. I could feel jealousy whenever anyone flirted at him. I felt lust whenever I kissed him. Made me want more. But with Sungmin, I’d never had those feeling. It confused me how to react well.
We sent letter not so often. We talked about many things. Sometimes, I and Kyuhyun texted each other too. He’s a good guy. Eventhough Sungmin mentioned that he often got teased by him but I found it cute anyway.
When I got news from Kyuhyun about Sungmin's accident, my life’s like turning upside down terribly. I left my dinner with Donghae’s family and got out without words. I couldn’t think logically at that time that I went to Seoul as soon as possible.
When sitting desperately in the train, Kyuhyun texted me that Sungmin had awaken from 3 hours of comma. I arrived on hospital and stopped in front of Sungmin’s room. I took a peek from a half opened door.
I watched his lying figure and saw his pale face. It’s 10 years already and you wouldn’t know how much I missed him. How much I want to hug him. But I knew that this wasn’t the situation I expected to meet him like this after being separated in a long time. In silence, I kept praying for him to get well soon.
I wanted to approach him but I saw Kyuhyun out from bathroom and sat beside him. Holding his hand. That’s when I realized and blamed myself to forget that Sungmin had Kyuhyun by his side. So I closed the door slowly and turned back without he noticed.
I got a text again ‘You can visit him next week and please bring Donghae with you’.
Yes. He’s right. Bringing Donghae was the right choice to prevent me forgetting my position again. I would ruin everything if I did. Because those weird feeling that I had managed to push away in 10 years might come again.
Seeing my other half
Wish to become one
If it’s a sin
Please chain me quickly
I went back to Boseong and planned to visit him on following week. But it’s ruined as I received a text message on the 6th day from Sungmin that he was going to Boseong by train and wanted to watch Greentea Festival.
I called Kyuhyun and asked what happened but he’s also clueless as me. He said Sungmin acted unusual lately as he kept talking about how he wanted to go back to Boseong. Alone.
Kyuhyun tried to stop him but it’s useless. So he asked me to take care of Sungmin for a while until he managed to finish his works in Seoul and then came to Boseong to pick Sungmin back.
I waited for him nervously and scanned every people who’s getting out from train to find him. Then I heard his voice calling me from behind. I turned back and smiled without even realize it as I heard that soothing voice for the first time in ten years.
“Mwoya!! You think that Minnie-Minnie Strategy thing still works at me??” I said when he pouted at me because I rejected his demand to visit many place in Boseong immediately. He should rest since he’s still look weak after that accident.
However his natural cuteness was the best weapon he could have. I’ve never win. So I promised when he’s fit enough physically, I will bring him to hang around through Boseong.
Being able to talk with him, to touch him again, hug him, and also to laugh with him together. It’s like a heaven on earth.
I would give everything to get this moment
Even for a short time
Please let me…
To be back to our old days
When I surely saw a bright colour on his face, that’s the time for me to fulfill my promise. I brought him to enjoy greentea field beautiful scenery, to eat grapes in my aunty’s greenhouse and also ate the best greentea ice cream in Boseong. One time, we visited our secret small valley. We’re shouting crazily in there. Most of it was cursing. We did this as a game. The person who couldn’t curse back in 5 seconds is lost. I must admit it. Not like his appearance, Sungmin’s really good at cursing.
To be with you
Is my eternal heaven
But there’s a time when I found Sungmin wasn’t Sungmin that I knew. His way of staring at me, his smiling, everything he showed was different from I knew before. His so captivating aura. This weird heartbeats, I was afraid and frustrating as I had to put my right mind under control. Yeah my right mind. The mind that kept telling me that crossing that line is forbidden.
‘Hyukjae, if I love you. Will you choose me?’
‘I know you loved me, Hyukjae’
Hearing those word from him, that’s when my fortress was broken. It’s felt like a lot of fireworks bursted in my chest. But I wanted to save this friendship. Just like he did 10 years ago.
I was afraid if we welcomed this strange feeling, we would never be same as before. I hardly controlled my shaking body. I tried to holdback my eyes from a merge of crying.
Because yes, if a strange feeling that I felt all this time can be included as love. Then It means I am madly in love with him all this time. The different is I can control it. We’re just fragile about this kind of love. So I choosed to be strong.
I stepped forward and both hands held Sungmin shoulder “Now, it’s my turn to save our friendship too. Just forget it Sungmin. Just comeback to Kyuhyun. That’s the real Sungmin that I know”
But he shook his head. “No. This night is the real me. And you know that I am right”. He tiptoed to kiss me but he stopped a mere centimeter from my face.
“See? You brag out about you love me but here you’re even trembling to touch my lip. You too realize neither of us want to break this line, Sungmin. Our friendship…” I wanted to hit myself to say those words to him. I didn’t know from where I felt a bit angry to him because his words was really no help. If we welcomed this feeling, we would lose everything. I wanted to protect him.
‘I... hate you’
When he said those three word. I couldn’t control my self anymore. I grabbed his wrist harshly and pulled him into a tight hug.
“Don’t said those words ever again!!!” I said with anger tones. Those words from him is the scariest thing in my life.
“It’s my mouth. Why bother?” he answered coldly.
“NO. ANDWEYO. YOU SHOULDN’T !!!” I shouted out loud made quite an echo through a quiet teafield.
Sungmin gave a low chuckled “What a selfish statement…”. I didn't care if it did true that I was selfish. I held him tight and placed my head to his shoulder. I was trembling and so was he. When the tensed of his body became relaxed. I thought he understood then we stayed on that position only God knew how long it was.
I kept holding his hand on our way to home. I didn’t know why but I really didn’t want to let it go. I wanted it last forever.
When we arrived home, I broke the silent with “Before festival started, actually Kyuhyun texted me. He really worried about you”. Yes, we must comeback to reality.
If in this world there is only you and me
I want to say this out loud
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…
If in this world there is only you and me
It’s 4 am, I couldn’t sleep. I heard my door’s being opened slowly. I could feel his presence. He came near me. “I am sorry Hyukjae. I promise.... when sunrise comes, you won’t see Sungmin that you saw all this week. Just forget it that I’ve ever come to Boseong. He’s not the real me” he whispered.
What? No, what are you saying? I thought. I felt like he didn’t want only to end this love, but also this friendship.
He came closer. I could feel his slow breath on my face. Does he want to give me his last kiss?
I felt my body tensed. A part of me wanted that kiss badly. Then a drop of tears fell on my cheek. He’s crying. He chuckled “Even when you sleep, I can’t touch you. You’re right, Hyukjae. I am only bragging out all this time”
He continued to whisper “I am sorry. I can’t act like your bestfriend anymore. We both know, after I said those words. We’re end. You did say that we should forget it and pretend it’d never happened. But I can’t. At least for now”
Those words was hell on earth.
After he left. I kept thinking, thinking, and thinking. What was the real reason that kept me and him to save this friendship? Was it the fear of welcoming a new feeling? Was it the fear of separating? Or was it the fear of losing everything?
He came to Boseong and left everything behind. He left his future with Kyuhyun. But there I was, being a coward and rejected his real feeling toward me. Being a selfish and ended to have everything except him. Except him.
Don’t leave me, don’t leave me
I was running, running, and kept running. I wanted to stop him leaving Boseong. I hoped I had car at that time. I couldn’t find any bus to the station this early morning. I was so desperate.
“Hyukjae shi, where are you running to?” I saw Shindong, my friend who worked in ramyun shop approached me with his scooter. “Aah, I hope I can join you jogging. But I must work. Geez…” he grumbled.
“I need to catch a train to Seoul before sunrise but I can’t find any bus or taxi”
His eyes grew wide “Huh? it’s near 2 km from here. Need a ride?”
“But your work?”
He shook “Nah, nevermind. But treat me good meal next time”
Finally I arrived to station. I was wandering around to search his figure. It wasn’t hard to find him from a far. I just knew it.
I saw him rubbed his eyes. I was sure he was waping his tears. I stopped behind him. I needed sometimes to catch my breath. Then his reflection met mine on train’s window glass.
“I want my Sungmin back!!! I want Sungmin that I saw last night. Sunrise isn’t coming yet. Is he still there then??”
I felt my tears run out to my face. I begged him to not leave me like that.
Maybe with Donghae, my heart’s full of love. But with Sungmin, I feel like alive forever.
I noticed he’s trembling. He bit his lower lip.
“You will lose everything, Hyukjae”
“I don’t care” I stepped forward and pulled him into a tight hug again. This’s felt different. Because finally we can be honest toward each other.
“Hyukjae…”I didn’t let him to finish his sentence by kissing him. I brushed my lip into his. I didn’t feel any lust at all. But Need. Just like a lock and it’s key. We’re destined to be together. With him.
I attached my forehead to his and whisper to him gently “I know. I may lose everything except you. Except us”
I already knew what he would say next so I said “I love you too. Sungmin”
It's strange that we cried and also laughed together. We didn’t care that we’re not alone in that station. Because that time, we let out the tears of happiness.
If the next life really exist
I will still choose to be your bestfriend again
and fall in love with you again
*Chingguya : Friend
I am sorry I must divide the epilogue into two. I will update the final part of epilogue in two days because I've kind of busy lately TT__TT. And I am sorry for any grammatical errors since I learned English not from book but from online One Piece manga XD hahaha.......
A lot of thanks for your support by commenting and subscribing guys. You lift up my energy.
eunna_c : Thank you for reading my fic. I often reread your fic ‘Two is better than one’ ^^. I like angst but only with final ending. So I won’t make a real angst. I need more time to finish ‘My love left in Boseong’ since this story’s a bit heavy XD.
Bluecassy7 : Yes. Hyukmin is a rare pairing. Thanks for your support. I have a new hyukmin title in my mind
CinnamonSwirl : Thanks. My poems that I made in 2008 are only in chapter 1 and 2. So I don’t have any poem stocks in epilogue XD. I hope you like this chapter.
KIMparkshi : Thank you. This is the epilogue part (1/2). I am sorry to divide it into two. I’ve kind of busy lately. But I promise I will add the real final in 2 days.
kuro_usagi0730 : Thanks for reading. I like reading your hyukmin fic.
Ucant-stop-lovingme : Awww… you make me blushing. You praised me too much. I am still an amateur. Yes, I am thinking to make another hyukmin chaptered fiction. I already have one title in mind ^^. But I will focus to write ‘Please be Strong With Me’ first.
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