Chapter 36
Seducing Nerdy Chanyeol !There are moments in life when you think "that's it, that's enough". When you think you have reached the limits, that you finally hit the ground and you can't fall any deeper. Moments when you believe with all your heart, with all you will, that after all you have been through, after all the tears, all the pain, the sun will shine again.
One day. Somehow. You hope, you pray for it to be the end when it's only the beginning.
Could life get any tier at this point? Probably not.
The frenetic beating of your heart suspended as time had stopped in its track. The heavy weight in your chest was rooting you on your spot, forcing you to witness the silent fall of your world. Life was nothing less than a fragile, unsteady house made of cards waiting to be blown by bad luck, karma, fate, destiny. Call it as you want, it never matter at the end. The fall was slow, quiet, peaceful. Chanyeol didn't say anything, he didn't have to. His eyes said it all. You searched for the special sparkle in his dead stare, for a sign assuring everything wasn't over, you looked for hope. But you were only welcomed by a cold and lonely emptiness. Your heart shattered as you looked away. The eye-contact was too suffocating.
Why is it always when you need it the most that your body refuse to move? Your foot wanted to take a step, your lips were craving to articulate.
All you had to do was move. And yet...
You wished you could say something, do something, prevent your world from falling apart. You wanted to grab the fallen pieces to put them back were they used to be. You could explain, you could prove him wrong. What Sehun told him had to be false, it was just lies. Yes, lies. Chanyeol knew you better than that.
Chanyeol trusted you. Chanyeol loved you.
So you made a hesitant step towards him, ready to explain, ready to fix this. But Chanyeol stepped back. Messy of hair fell on his eyes, covering his gaze. There was nothing to explained, nothing to be fixed.
Slowly, he turned around to head in the opposite direction. Class was about to start, he had to leave. Without according you a second look, he disappeared among the few students already late for their lesson.
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You skipped the first period. And the second. Third would have been skipped too if you didn't run out of tissues to wipe your tears.
Hidden in the toilets, you had spent your time curled into a ball, crying in silence. The floor was covered with used tissues.
You didn't know for what you were crying anymore. The picture? Chanyeol? Both? None?
Leaning your head against the wall, you closed your eyes. You cried a lot, they were painful. You were so tired, and mad. Mad at yourself for being so weak. You should have stick to the plan and keep a certain distance with Chanyeol. Inexplicable feelings and crazy butterflies weren't a part of the damn scenario, feeling guilty about what you had done to him wasn't a part of it either. Somehow, you had crossed the red line and mixed everything together. You had ed something up halfway and you now had to deal with the aftermath of your recklessness. Well ing done.
This was far from the reality you had pictured. Far from what you had first imagined when Kai came up with that devilish deal. The situation wasn't supposed to turn that way. You sunk your head in your hands, watching the white tiles under your feet, heart as heavy as a rock, wondering what you did wrong.
Looking for some toilet papers to wipe off your face, you realized you had used the whole roller available. Ah, right... You started to laugh, tears still pearling on your wet cheeks. You could understand why Kai was so entertained. This situation was completely ridiculous and you were such a fool.
When the bell rang, announcing the third period, you collected yourself together. Even if going home and skipping school forever sounded temptingly appealing, you decided to stay. You needed to talk to him first. You stood up, drying your wet cheeks with the back of your sleeve. You cleaned up your skirt from the filthy bathroom floor, grabbed your backpack and exited the restroom,avoiding your stare in the mirror.
Making your way back in your classroom, under judging stares almost made you regret your decision. You should have go home.
The whole class was looking at you as you walked through the door and never in your life you had felt so self-conscious Blood pumping through your veins, feeling suddenly uncomfortable in your own skin, you tried to ignore the intrusive attention. It felt like your steps were a thousand times louder than usual and wait, since when your desk was so far away from the door? The tension was heavy, the muffled whispers rising up. There she was the . Showing her , how scandalous. You tried your best to quickly walked towards your seat, avoiding everyone's eye. But that was until your eyes landed on Chanyeol. You slowed down a little.
Unlike the rest of your class, he was looking everywhere else except at you, which broke your heart a little more. His blank stare then dropped on his desk, making your eyes prickled.
Oh. It hurt more than you had thought it would.
You quickened your pace and walked past him to join the back of the room and shift in your seat as discreetly as possible. There, you made it. Your heart was beating fast, still on the edge, and you didn't even have the time to breath that the girl in front of you turned back. She was the kind of girl who was always polite and nice to everyone. From time to time, she would bring home-made cakes for the class or clean the board between two periods without being asked to. You weren't expecting anything from her (if not some encouraging words). But the way she looked at you felt like a slap. She stared at you a little too long to be polite, her eyes scanning you in silence. You frowned, feeling your cheeks turn into an embarrassed shade of red, and fidgeted awkwardly on your chair.
She was judging you.
Maybe if you ran fast enough, you could get out of here before the next lesson started. But before you had the time to grab your stuff and ran out of the class forever, the teacher got in. Never mind, you weren't a really fast runner anyway. The girl was still staring at you while the teacher asked for the class' attention. Finally, after countless seconds, she gave you a face and turned around to face the board. Finally. You let out a breath you didn't realize you were holding.
You definitely should have go home.
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It was hard to focus on your teacher's words. Too busy racking your brain for the magic solution to your problems, you weren't really paying attention to the Joseon dynasty or whatever the history lesson was about, or was it literature?
Nervously tapping your nails on your wood desk, you were eyeing Chanyeol from afar. He would usually wave at you, his face twitching in a smile. Or send you notes on paper pallet. Or show you a funny picture on his history book.
But today,his fingers were curled around a pen and his head was buried in his notebook, too busy writing diligently every words the teacher was saying. Even when full attention wasn't required, he was still bend over his desk, caught in his own little world. You had to admit, his lack of attention towards you made your stomach tightened.
You missed it. You missed him already.
So, when the bell finally rang, announcing the lunch break, your heart missed a beat. The time had come. You fidgeted on your seat as the teacher lazily dismissed the class. This was going to be your chance. You couldn't mess up this time.The teacher left and the students noisily stood up.
Chanyeol was the first one to get out of the class. You jumped out of your seat and ran out of the classroom under Kai's entertained gaze. Your heart was hammering against your chest, as you followed him in the hallway. Breath in. Breath out. Everything was going to be fine. You would explain, he would understand. Yes, he was going to understand. Your throat went dry as you nervously wiped your sweaty palms on your skirt. Chanyeol stopped at the vending machine. Slipping coins in the tiny gap, he then pressed few buttons and bent over to grab a soda.
You slowed down.
Or maybe you shouldn't say anything. Kai was right, you were "free" now. Free from the deal, free from Chanyeol. Nothing was forcing you to do this. It was Park Chanyeol we were talking about. The freak. The giant weirdo. The guy with a twitchy face. The boy with stupid jokes.
You shook your head, disgusted by your own thoughts. You needed to stop with your cheap and lame excuses. Of course you had to say something. Apologizing was the least you could do. And saying you were free from him was the probably the stupidest idea ever. You couldn't be free when he was the one owning your heart. It hurt to admit it, but yes, you liked him. More than you had thought, more than you should have.
Bringing the can to his lips, he drank the juice in one go before throwing the bottle in the nearest trash can. The can bounced on the edge and fell next to the trash can. Chanyeol sighed. Burying his hands in the pockets of his pants, he walked away. While all the other students were rushing in the opposite direction to join the cafeteria, here he was, aimlessly wandering around alone. He wasn't hungry anyway. His undecided feet brought him to the staircase, probably to find peace in the school's garden. Going down the stairs, he let his hands brush the banister, enjoying the silence of the empty staircase. People kept on giving him funny looks today. A little tranquility was all he needed.
His feet were racking the floor, echoing. You followed him, almost soundless. Almost.
Your shoes squeaked lightly against the floor, breaking the rhythm of Chanyeol's pace. You both froze. A long second passed when neither of you made a move. He knew you were there and you knew he had acknowledged your presence. He didn't turn around but didn't ran away either. His fingers, curled around the metallic banister, tightened.
You heart was beating so hard, you swore he could hear it. The silence was uncomfortable. You slowly made a step, watching carefully his reaction. He didn't move, you made another step. It was like trying to approach an untamed cat. You couldn't predict its moves, it could run away any moments.
Even when you reached his level, shyly calling his name, he remained perfectly still. The fingers around the banister just getting tighter and tighter.
Hurt gaze hidden under longs lashes, head bowed down, he didn't give you a look when you reached his level.
You opened your mouth, ready to take this chance to explain everything. You had a thousands excuses to say, a thousand way to apologize and yet... yours lips forgot how to move. You heart tightened so hard, it hurt. You couldn't take your eyes off of him, your lips shaking. Tears started to form on the edge of your reddened eyes. Rush of regrets were drowning you.
« C-Chanyeol? »
Your voice sounded awfully weak, almost as if you were afraid to talk to him.
He didn't move, nor answered.
« I-I... Can we talk? »
No response.
« Chanyeol, I... »
Your eyes fell on the ground as your cheeks turned red, ashamed.
« I know what Sehun told you but... »
Your heart was painfully hammering against your chest.
« You've got to believe me, it's no- »
« Not what I think? »
His low voice echoed in the empty stair case making you shut up. You tried to protest but words got caught in your throat. With a sigh, Chanyeol tried to bypass you, still avoiding your eyes, but you blocked the way.
« Chanyeol, please, listen to what I have to say. »
His eyes were still hidden under his hair. He waited for you to move aside.
« I swear, I can explain ! I was a mistake, I nev- »
« So, I'm a mistake now... »
His voice sounded awfully flat.
« Wait- what? No! »
You shook your head, sputtering a flow of incoherent and confused sentences. Your heartbeats were increasing with each words.
« You said mistake. » He insisted.
« But it's not what I meant ! I-I'm just- »
You bit your tongue, knowing you were digging your own grave.
« I'm sorry, it's not what I was trying to say, » you sighed, trying to hold your tears. « Chanyeol please, look at me. I can explain. »
Why did you have to mess everything up all the time? Why did you have to make it so difficult? You looked for his eyes, but they were still hidden.
« I care so much about you, Chanyeol. I know what I did was wrong but I love y- »
« Is it true? »
His words echoed in the empty staircase.
« ...What? » Your voice broke.
He took a deep breath but stayed quiet.
« Let me explain, Chanyeol. » You shook your head, struggling to not break in tears. « I know it sounds craz- »
Chanyeol raised his head, meeting your eyes this time.
« Is it true? » He asked again.
His tone was quiet but firm. He wanted answers, he needed the truth.
You stopped speaking, bitting your tongue so hard you could taste blood. The shadows under his eyes were darker from up close. His eyes were red, his skin paler than ever. Chanyeol looked like and it was all thanks to you.
Tears quietly pearled down your cheek as your eyes dropped on the floor. You twisted your fingers together, biting your shaking lips. You didn't have the energy to lie to him. Not when he was giving you that look. So was it true that you used him? That you played with him? That he was just the muppet? Was it true that he was just one of the Terms and Agreement of a stupid deal ?
« Yes, » you whispered. « It's t-true. »
There it was. You had said it.
You didn't know what you were expecting from now on?
Some anger. Probably insults. Maybe getting slap. It was fine though, you deserved it all. But silence... No, you weren't expecting silence. You waited for what seemed to be an eternity for his words, his reaction. The tears you cried all tasted of shame and never in your life you felt so miserable.
You felt Chanyeol taking a deep breath. You didn't have the courage to met his eyes, so you focused on your fingers instead and waited. You couldn't tell if your heartbeat were slowing down or increasing with every second. All you knew was that the sobs that were shaking your body were you only sounds you could here. His silence was killing you.
Maybe you wanted him to be angry after all. You wanted him to be mad. What you had done to him was wrong, how could he be so passive about it?
But Chanyeol reminded calm. So calm. Too calm.
Without saying anything, he walked past you. Soundless as a shadow.
« Chanyeol? » You raised your head, your eyes following him. « Chanyeol? »
Panic sky rocked as he was silently walking away.
« W-Wait!»
You ran down the stairs, almost tripping over your own feet. No, no, no ! He couldn't leave like that!
« I regret it, Chanyeol. I regret it so much, » you cried, extending your arms to block the way. « Let me explain. I swear it's not what you think. »
Your words sounded so fake. Of course it was what he thought. You used him, you played with him. He was just the puppet, a stupid fool who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong moment. You had never felt anything for him until now. But was that a part another part of the act? Where began the fiction? Where stopped the reality?
You dug your nails in to his arms, desperately clinging on him, afraid to watch him leave. You searched for his eyes under his dark hair. It couldn't simply end like this.
Slowly, he put his warm fingers on your hand before sliding your grip out of his arm.
« That's all I wanted to know. » He mumbled with a husky voice.
He then walked down the steps as if nothing was happening. Each step was stamping your heart. You buried your face in your hands to soften the sounds of your cries.
But before exiting the staircase, he turned around. You hesitantly raised your gaze. He was looking at you with the saddest face you had ever seen.
« The worst part is that I thought you genuinely liked me, » he broke the silence, his usually loud voice barely audible. « That you were smiling because of me, that the blush on your cheeks was because of me, that the sparkle in your eyes was meant for me. I thought you liked my lame jokes or my stupid attempts at making you fall for me. I thought you enjoyed the time we were spending together. I thought...I thought you were feeling it too. »
He started to blink nervously, rubbing his eyes with a finger.
« I'm so ing stupid, right? » He laughed with a pale smile which never quite reached his eyes.
You tried to wipe your tears, helpless. The back of your sleeves were drenched.
« Chanyeol, don't... »
He sighed, digging his hands in the pockets of his pants. The tired smile got replaced by a frown.
« If you had just explained to me, I would have played along, you know. I would have pretend, just like you did and help you. I'm serious. You could have just asked. »
He wasn't looking at you anymore, lost in his thoughts. The idea of asking him to play never crossed your head. Who would agree on that? Who would accept to be a part of this ridiculous masquerade? Who would want to be used that way?
« I'm sorry I couldn't do much about the picture, » he coughed, staring at something on the floor. « Sehun didn't listen to me and sent it nevertheless. I'm truly sorry for the trouble. I did what I could. »
How could he be sorry in a moment like this? You were the one who should apologize, the one begging for forgiveness. But you didn't have the time to say a word.
With that, he turned around and left, leaving you surrounded by the sounds of your cried, the bitter taste of shame and a broken heart. It was like waking up and hoping the dream had lasted.
So that was how it felt like to be heart-broken? Eyes drowned in salty tears and despair? Feeling numb when the pain is too vivid to handle? Wanting to forget everything and yet, relive every moments of the biggest mistake of your life?
If it was the case, then perfect.
You deserved it.
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(A/N) I think we all knew this moment was going to come, right ? o(╥﹏╥)o
I'm actually feeling quite meeeeh about this chap ;_; I guess it seemed better and more dramatic in my head or something.
Thank you for all your sweet messages. School is hard and i think i'm dying but you all manage to make my days better ! ♥ Hopefully, next chapter will be out soon !
06/01/2014 : The next chapter is almost over ! I put at little pourcentage-thingy as a statut on my profile ~(‾⌣‾~)
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