Illegally Ugly and Broken Completed!
Kyuhyun Siwon Ryeowook and random nurses here and there
I hate myself. I’m not worth anything. I deserve to die. Nobody can possibly love me. Everyone hates me. I’m disgusting. I’m ugly. I can’t bear to look myself at the mirror. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I am. I wish I could die.
They say it’s impossible to understand an eating disorder unless you’ve been sick with one yourself. They say you can’t even imagine the inner hell people with eating disorders have to live in. There’s no way describe the pain, the hatred, the fear, the need for control, the unreasonable thoughts that still make sense. How can you explain something that is real to you but too embarrassing to say out loud? People with eating disorder have logic of their own, a horrible logic that even they can find delusional and false but still have to abide by.
Once you’re sick there’s no way getting out.
Falling ill doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye, it’s a lifelong process. And so is healing, if it ever happens.
Because if you’re not worth anything, how can you possibly ask for help? If your only problem is being illegally ugly, then it’s your problem to fix it. If you can’t handle your anxiety like the rest then you’ll just have to suck it up.
Or, perhaps, even hopeless cases can be cured with love and time. Perhaps.
Though Kyuhyun didn’t believe in such thing.
Because on top of being hopeless, he didn’t even want to be cured.
But there was still someone who had totally different plans in their mind.
So yes, I promised another story as soon as I'd reach 300 subscribers in total and woot, I actually did pass that limit! I know, it happened quite some time ago already but really, I had no time to post this story. Plus I'm feeling very unsure and insecure about this entire thing... See, I got in trouble while writing the first two chapters and thought that "hell, this sucks, big time, there's no way I'm going to post this anywhere" and almost deleted it all. Then I found myself a beta (dear Lilviscious was kind enough to promise to help me out ^^) and she read through the first chapter. She still hasn't finished the second or the beginning of the third, but she's way too busy atm. So, no betaing currently for me.
But I want to share this story, I really do. I still have doubts and I'm not sure whether it's going to be good enough or not, whether it's going to stand up to my standards or not, but HECK, I'm posting it anyway. Even though I shouldnt; I have exams coming right up and tons of things to do. But I can't wait any longer, either. I've now started the fourth chapter and I have 18 pages written in total, so I can update some before running out of material ^^ But I'll make time for writing, too, no worries!
I'll post this story first here to show you my gratitude and then, later, put it up on dA as well. So for now, this is only for you guys! I hope you'll enjoy this story, I cannot promise any smut for you because I'm not sure if there is going to be any... But anyhow! Onwards, my dear readers! Let's see what comes out of this!
This fic contains heavy, serious angst and the subject might touch you more than originally intended. I know very well how sensitive this matter can be to several readers and I do not want to hurt anybody. Don't read this if it makes you feel (too) bad. Just don't. It's not worth it. I also understand that I might insult people and that some of my opinions might be hard to accept but please remember that this is merely based on my point of view of eatings disorder(s). It's not the truth, just notions based on what I've read, heard and experienced in life in general.
I wish to bring hope to those who're struggling with an eating disorder. Because really, there're no hopeless cases. There're none. You just have to ask for help and accept it when it's offered to you. But I also know it can be the hardest thing in the world. I really know and understand. But the change can only be made by you. Other people can only help you out, you're the one who has to do the hard work even if it might seem unfair and too much.
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