“Hyung, I don’t think I can go to bubble tea with you today. I’m busy.”
I ruffled my hair in frustration as the pained expression on Lu Han hyung’s eyes flashed through my mind for the nth time.
“Sehun-ah. What’s wrong?” I looked to my side and met Jongin’s rarely worried eyes. I shook my head and smiled a little so as not to worry Jongin, or even to give him a chance to tease me once he knows what’s been going in my mind.
Jongin just shrugged and looked back to the teacher in front of the classroom. I was about to breathe a sigh of relief when Jongin didn’t continue to interrogate me but I had to hold my breath instead when Jongin turned again to look at me. “Oh, right. Lu Han hyung invited us to bubble tea again. You are coming with me, right?”
I groaned a bit too loud, gaining a few looks from the students near us. “How many times have I told you that it’s you who he’s been inviting and not me?”
“Sure you don’t want to go?” Jongin blinked and pouted, looking like a puppy that’s being abandoned.
“Yes, I’m sure I don’t want to go. Have fun alone with him.” I said without looking at him. I tried to busy myself by copying whatever the teacher was writing on the blackboard so that the conversation would end.
When Jongin turned back his attention to the teacher, I sighed. Finally.
I should have felt relief that Jongin had finally stopped bothering me but our earlier conversation wouldn’t stop replaying in my mind. That time in the park where I coldly backed out of Lu Han hyung’s offer haunted me once again. The hurt expression on his eyes the last time I saw him never failed to give me the goosebumps.
It’s been four days since that day and I never talked since then. We ignored each other when we crossed paths in the hallway. We never ate lunch together, either he was out with Baekhyun or I was out. We never hang out for bubble tea anymore even when Jongin insists I join.
It’s been four days and I could only feel guilt crawling at the back of my mind. I never really intended for those words to come out of my mouth. I just wanted to take a moment to think alone without being distracted by those shinier-than-the-sun smile of his and get sucked into his world.
“Sehun-ah! It’s lunch time!” My eyes snapped open when I heard Jongin’s defeaning shout.
I did not realize that I fell asleep in class. When my vision got clearer, I looked around the classroom to see it almost empty. Only Minseok hyung, Lay hyung and Jongin were left and they were looking at me in a way that made me want to shrink and hide.
“Sehun-ah. You’ve been lifeless lately. What’s wrong? Is the new choreography stressing you out?” Minseok hyung started, his voice laced with worry.
“I could help you out if you want.” Lay hyung flashed a sincere smile.
“No, I’m fine. I just have lots of things in my mind.” I said while packing my bag.
“What ‘things’?” Jongin eyed me, a combination of suspicion and worry evident in his tone.
“Just things. Normal things. Come on, I’m starving.”
I was the one to walk out of the classroom first and the three followed. I was hesitating whether to eat at the canteen today or just hang out at my favorite spot by the park. It has been four days and Lu Han hyung and I successfully managed to get out of each other’s way without the others noticing.
“You are going to eat with us today, right?” Jongin said as he placed an arm around my shoulders, holding them firmly so that I had no way to escape.
“Yeah, you haven’t eaten with us for a while now. I’m worrying you might not be eating right these days.” Minseok only added to the difficulty of escaping when he linked arms with me.
I sighed and finally decided to just eat at the canteen, trying to positively think that Lu Han hyung was not eating there today.
My positive thinking was soon shattered when Lay hyung called out.
“Lu Han hyung!” He waved frantically towards our usual table. I scanned the table and unfortunately, my eyes met with Lu Han hyung’s.
“Hey, guys! What took you so long?” Chanyeol greeted as we took our seats at the table.
“Sorry, our maknae seemed to be stressed these days so he was sleeping.” Minseok hyung said.
Again, my eyes met with Lu Han hyung’s. Worry was written all over him. I had to remind myself that we were not on speaking terms right now and looked away like I saw nothing.
“Sehun-ah.” Kris hyung called my attention. “You know that we can help you if you have a problem.”
I nodded and gave him a small smile. I stood up and went over to the counter to buy lunch. I didn’t notice Chanyeol followed me.
“Sehun-ah. I think we need to have a talk.” He said with a remarkably serious tone in his voice.
“W-What is it, h-hyung?” I stuttered. He never used that tone unless he wants a man-to-man talk.
“What’s going on with you and Lu Han hyung?”
I choked on my saliva as he bombarded with the question I never, ever wanted to hear.
“W-What?” I stuttered once again.
“Come on, let’s talk outside.” He pulled me out of the line.
“But I was going to buy lunch.” I whined and tried my hardest to stop him from dragging.
“I’ll buy you later. Now, let’s go.”
He dragged me once and we were by the door in seconds. I looked back to our table and saw the others looking at us in confusion. Only Baekhyun wasn’t looking up, continuing to eat. I now had a gut feeling of why Chanyeol is doing this.
“What’s the problem, Sehun?” Chanyeol started as we got to my spot by the park.
I didn’t answer and instead just took a seat by the bench and observed the leaves flickering on the tree as the wind blows. I saw a heart-shaped leaf desparately trying to hold on as the wind hits it. It kept on flapping and struggling to stay still. Much like how my heart is right now.
“Sehun-ah. Are you even listening?” Chanyeol snarled, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“S-Sorry, hyung. What did you say?” I smiled apologetically at him. He sighed and went to sit beside me.
“I said, if there’s anything bothering you, just tell me.” He said, his eyes looking deep into mine.
“Nothing’s bothering me, hyung.” I lied.
He rolled his eyes. “Then what’s this I hear about you and Lu Han hyung? Heard you rejected him.”
I gulped and broke eye contact. “Rejected him on his offer to buy bubble tea? What’s wrong with that?”
“You do know how he likes you, right?” He asked.
“No, I do not. What I do know is that he likes Jongin.”
“Yes, he did like Jongin. But that was before. He likes you now.” He said, his voice a little bit softer than before.
“Why are you telling me this?” I eyed him suspiciously. Chanyeol never did any conversations like this before. The last time we had a talk about relationships was when he had confusing feelings with Baekhyun.
Then it hit me. I just answered my own question.
“Because I think you’re making a huge mistake in your life.” He answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“By rejecting him to buy me bubble tea?” I asked though I knew the answer.
“Rejecting him to buy you bubble tea was like rejecting his confession.” His voice raised and I was taken aback.
“Hyung, how sure are you that he likes me and not Jongin?” I asked, curiosity showing in my voice.
“I hope you’ve noticed that he’s been stuck with my boyfriend for days now.” He smiled a little before turning serious again.
“Okay, let’s assume that he does like me. What made you think that I like him as well?”
“I didn’t say you like him. I was going to ask you to try and get to know him. But since you said you like him…” He trailed off as the huge grin on his face soon showed.
“I did not say I like him!” I protested.
“Yes, you did. Now, I’m going to ask a different question.” He said and I eyed him suspiciously, waiting for him to throw another bomb. “Why are you denying your feelings for him?”
That did it. I stood up to make my way back to the school building. But just when I took the first step, a leaf fell on my head. I reached out to get it and my heart skipped a beat as my eyes recognized the leaf. It was the same leaf I was eyeing a while ago. The same leaf that kept on holding on but was now on my hand. It let go and fell.
“Hyung, I’m scared.” I spoke slowly and softly.
“What?” He asked, not hearing what I just said. I sighed and sat once again.
“Hyung, I’m scared.” I repeated.
“Scared? Of what? Lu Han? He’s a very sweet boy. Don’t be---”
I cut him off as he was heading another direction. “I’m scared of what I’m feeling.”
“Oh.” He simply said. No one spoke for a while but Chanyeol soon continued. “Tell me first. What exactly do you feel?”
What exactly do I feel about Lu Han hyung?
“I don’t know…” I trailed off as I dug deep into my brain looking for answers.
“Sehun, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what you’re feeling.” Chanyeol rolled his eyes, thinking I was not avoiding his question.
“That’s what I feel. I’m unsure of my feelings. I don’t know if it’s really ‘like’ or just ‘confusion’. Pretty much what you felt with Baekhyun. But quite different, I think.” I sighed as the words finally came out of my mouth. It was harder saying everything out than just thinking about it.
“Well, you saw how my feelings eventually developed for Baekhyun.” Chanyeol smiled sheepishly, probably remembering the days when Baekhyun first confessed to him.
“Did you try stopping yourself from feeling that way towards Baekhyun?” I looked at Chanyeol, intently waiting for his answer. Could my feelings be stopped?
“…Kind of.” His face was all scrunched up from thinking too much. “Well, you know how I tried denying my feelings at first. But I soon woke up to the reality that a life without Baekhyun’s sunny smile was not worth living.” I could see the hint of blush slowly creeping up Chanyeol’s face.
“So you mean this is irreversible?” I gave him a questioning look.
“What is irreversible? Feelings are feelings, Sehun. It changes almost instantly. But that depends on how deep those feelings have planted themselves on your heart.”
“No, I mean…” I contemplated on whether I should really ask him about this, feeling like I would offend him. I asked anyways, “… being gay?”
“Sehun-ah, have you forgotten what Jongin just advised to me years ago?” Chanyeol face-palmed and I gave him a blank look, obviously not remembering what he was talking about.
“Jongin said, and I quote, ‘It doesn't matter if your admirer was a girl or not, what matters was that you liked him!’ I think this could apply to you as well.”
I was in deep thought, taking in whatever Chanyeol just said. It was true, nothing else matters as long as you like someone. But I was not sure if I could handle actually thinking of myself with someone of the same gender. Especially when said ‘someone’ was just head over heels over Jongin a few days ago. Now, I was wondering what exactly brought Lu Han hyung to like me when Jongin was definitely the funnier and more handsome.
“Sehun-ah, still there?” I almost jumped out of the bench when Chanyeol’s deep voice brought me back to reality.
“Hyung, are you a hundred percent sure that it’s me Lu Han hyung likes and not Jongin? ‘Cause it was definitely what I observed before. He was certainly infatuated with Jongin the last time we were together.”
“Yes, how many times do I have to repeat for you to accept the fact that he likes you now? Baekhyun is stuck with him for days now. Do you know how deprived I feel right now for Baekhyun always backing out on our lunch dates just to accompany Lu Han hyung? And it’s all because they’re talking about you.” Chanyeol shook me hard as he complained about the lack of time his boyfriend seems to have for him. And all because of me.
“Chanyeol, you think I’m not just confused?” I asked when he finally let me go.
“That’s for you to find out. But please, don’t take too long in sorting out your feelings. Lu Han hyung looks like a mess right now. And I am a mess because I had to live two days without being intimate with Baekhyun. He keeps saying we shouldn’t do this and that out of respect to Lu Han hyung.” He groaned as he stood up from the bench. “I’ll leave you alone now. Don’t forget that you still have classes. Bye.”
He waved before making his back to the school building.
“Thanks.” I mouthed as Chanyeol looked back at me for one last time.
A/N: Okay, finally done with another chapter.
The next chapter would probably be the last. I know, it seems too short but I really intended this fic to have 10 or less chapters.
Don't worry though because I still have that Kaisoo sequel~ ^.^
Already had everything planned, just need to find time to write it. Been pretty busy lately~ >.<
Hope you like this! I know Chanyeol & Sehun's talk was just going round and round but that's just because Chanyeol isn't really the best adviser and Sehun isn't really the fastest person to grasp situations. LOL.
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