(you) lied even while you held my hand
Inspired by Stars' "The Big Fight".
“Let’s break up,” is what she said to him one morning out of nowhere.
March 8th is when it happens.
By all accounts it's a perfectly ordinary day. Changmin gets up, meets Yunho and BoA for breakfast, and heads to practice. He's just headed for lunch when it dawns on him that he hasn't seen Yoona all day. She never attends breakfast on days when there’s SMTOWN to prepare for, as she has a big one with her nine sisters but, she always walks (slowly) with him to lunch.
They’re not the closest of friends, but he likes to think they are nonetheless. And for the life of him, loneliness creeps in and he thinks it an appropriate feeling.
He's on his way to the cafe, feeling lost, when a hand slips into his. It's warm, small, and feels friendly. A nervous glance to his right lets Changmin know that the hand belongs to Yoona. The girl in overalls and bright smiles way back in 2001 – his colleague, his friend (and in privately in the back of his mind, she is his Yoona too). Her gaze is glued to the sidewalk, and she's walking even slower than usual, but it's her.
Surprisingly, Changmin does not move away from her touch as he expected himself to do and instead, he smiles warmly and squeezes Yoona's hand in a comforting manner. He decides that he likes her hand, her warmth wrapping around his.
He decides he likes her. In that sense, whatever it was.
The brave smile is frozen in her lips, tips quivering as she spoke, “I love you, but I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Changmin loves everything about Yoona. He loves the way she walks and the sidewalk she walks on. He loves the books she reads and the classrooms she reads them in. He loves the stars she wishes to and the sky that is above her.
He loves everything about her.
“Changmin,” Yoona says his name softly. Grasping his hand in between hers, she says his name like a prayer – quietly, fervently.
He loves that the most.
“Making this relationship work isn’t what we thought it would be. And the more I try, the more it seems like you’d rather be anywhere than here. I’m tired, Changmin and so are you. You just won’t admit it.”
The thing is… what they're doing can't really be called dating. It's not traditional like Yunho and BoA, who is hands down the most normal couple in the world. It's different for them, more... Changmin and Yoona style. They hold hands when they walk places, but they never go on “real” dates. Changmin touches Yoona’s cheek, tells her she's pretty but no one ever sees them kiss.
Finally, curiosity gets the better of Yunho. He and Changmin are resting when he casually asks: “Just what are you doing with Yoona, anyway?”
His friend's smile becomes wide and goofy though the tone in his voice is more than a little bit serious. Changmin stares Yunho down as if he were revealing a long kept secret.
“I want Yoona to be just mine.”
The tears come when all he does while she spoke is nod. Her sobs are choked, strangled in her throat. “Don’t you see what I mean? You’re not even stopping me.”
Kissing isn't what they make it out to be on television and in the movies. Lips aren't uncomfortably pressed together nor does he kiss her chin or the side of her mouth. No, Changmin gently, nervously, kisses Yoona's lips in late June. Pulling away, he waits for a bad reaction, but finds her blushing instead.
They stare intensely at one another for a long moment, before Yoona blinks.
“Thank you,” are the only two words she says for the rest the day and it’s alright because it’s more than either of them could say.
“What do you want me to say?” He asked her, anxious to step close to touch her though he stayed standing instead. Yoona sighed through the big fat tears rolling down her cheeks, “You tell me. What is it you want to say?”
It feels completely stupid – wanting someone as much as he wanted her. It isn't that Changmin is a pervert or anything; but this feeling just seems so… stupid. Because maybe (just maybe), there's supposed to be more to this 'wanting' feeling. More than just being happy when they were together, or when she replies sleepily to texts late in the night. But when Changmin asks around he just gets called a pervert. Or worse, whipped.
Yoona smiles – really smiles – just at him.
Yoona holds his hand. She softly kisses his lips.
Yoona does everything for him. She's always there... waving hello and waiting.
And he wants her, always.
His brain is filled with one concrete thought during a lunch they share together. Playing over and over in a never ending loop are words etched across his mind: I want her. I need her. I want her. I need her...
Changmin knows it's driving him mad. But he can't just reach over the table and rip her clothing off in the middle of a cafe, especially with Yunho sitting next to her and BoA at the other. He knows she notices how he’s been, but she doesn’t say anything thankfully though the knot on her forehead tells him he wants to talk.
He doesn’t think he can just talk about it with her. Not when he’s feeling like this.
And so in early August, just as Changmin is sure he's gone insane, Yoona enters his room. She's begun the habit of coming and going as she pleases, though she's unusually polite about it – knocking first before stepping into the dark cave he’s confined himself to. Silently, she sits next to him on the floor and lays her head on the edge of his bed.
“You want to have sex.” There's no question there. It's just a plain fact.
Changmin's too shocked (insane) to make say anything witty and instead settles for a stammer. “I...I'm not a pervert.” That's all he can think to say, even though there might have been a better set of words to put that fact into light.
There's a long moment of silence as Yoona stares at him. Changmin feels her breath against his neck, her skin erupting in goosebumps when she sighs. It’s torture, the silence is, but he decides not to penetrate it with any more words. They don’t talk much as a couple but they feel – and he feels it’s best not to say anymore than what needs to be said.
She speaks just when he thinks she’s fallen asleep. “It's alright.”
“Sex. I... want to do it with you too.”
Changmin blinks, “Oh.” He watches her breathe beside him, watching him watch her. “Should...” he scoots over to Yoona and pauses uncertainly. “You won't leave me? After, I mean.”
She shakes her head, something which causes even more hair to fall into her face. There’s confusion in her eyes at his words but she replies anyway. “I'll stay.”
Yoona nods and it’s all that makes Changmin lean forward to press his lips to hers.
His kiss travel from her lips, to her nose, to her forehead, and down the same way again. But the second time his lips catch hers, it's become different from before. It's different from all the other times they've kissed. They open their mouths and they let their tongues fight and play... they try to taste every inch of the other's mouth.
Their light fades to dark, succumbed to their ‘wanting’.
“We talk,” he argued, running a hand through his hair. “No, wehave sex.” She countered in frustration, her tears spilling once more, “That’s all we’re ever good at.”
By October, Changmin and Yoona have been living together for two months. Their relationship had also become well-known in the company and it was a well-known fact that Shim Changmin is very protective and territorial of his woman, Im Yoona.
By November, Yunho and BoA are jokingly asking when the wedding is. As Yunho puts it, as if he's some over protective big brother: “You're living together. You already act like a married couple sometimes. And you told me about you and Yoona… you know… doing stuff every day. Aren't you going to make an honest woman of her?”
Changmin shrugs and relaxes against the back of his chair, cracking his bones as he stretched in his seat. He grins when he speaks, eyes twinkling with mirth. “After all of this is over.”
“I’ve never once heard you say it, Changmin. I told you the first time we—I told you every day after that but you—”
Six months before the recording of their last album, Yunho and BoA announce their engagement. The news is received with mixed responses, ranging from the good, bad and ugly. And it doesn’t faze them, nor do they care.
Four months before his last concert tour, Changmin and Yoona's relationship ends. It's not loud or angry, there's no screaming matches or threats. It just sort of happens one day. Changmin wakes up, looks down at a sleeping Yoona, and thinks: “I should move out.”
She's leaving to film overseas for four months. He's going disappear and live his life for a while.
But Changmin says nothing when she wakes up. He kisses her, touches her, and makes her scream. He knows she can feel a change but like him, she says nothing regarding it.
The same thought passes their minds as they hold each other in bed.
We can’t stay together. It’s probably for the best.
Her steps are shaky as she turned to the door, carrying the last of her bags in one hand and her eyes downcast. She stopped crying awhile ago but somehow Changmin can still hear her sobs. “I love you so much, Changmin, but you probably don’t feel the same way since you’ve never said it. I understand, I really do and it’s okay. You want to live your life but you can’t do that with me tying you down. I don’t want to do that to you. You’ve given me so much already.” She looked back at him one last time to give him that frozen smile, and though his limbs ache to catch her and pull her into him, Changmin relents on the urge. His heart breaks in pieces when she speaks. “Goodbye.”
A week after the concert finishes, Changmin finds a photo album lodged in between his books. He opens it to find a picture of him and Yoona together during their earlier days and a note underneath:
I don't know which I'll miss more, being called Yoona or you. I know we're parting for many reasons, and I know I’ll be saying some stupid things when we finally do but I do know that part of you does love me too. I also know that despite our promises, it’s probably best to agree that we may never meet again.
Good luck in everything you do. Have a good life, eat well and smile often.
I love you.
With all my heart,
Changmin began to sob the very second the door closed, shutting him out of her world, their world. “I love you too, Yoona,” he said loudly, though he’s sure that no one else can hear but him.
“I’m sorry I never told you.”
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