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A day with EXO : Chanyeol

 

    "What is this place?" You asked while staring up at the colorful building, "Lotte World, Jina." Baekhyun appeared next to you. "Oh my!" You jumped and tripped on your untied shoelace, "Woah!" You yelped and was about to crash the floor, but a hand reached out and grabbed you by the waist.    Baekhyun pulled you close to him and you opened up your eyes, you looked up and blushed madly. *God... why am I always stuck in these can of weird scenes?* You quickly got up and bowed at him, "Sorry. I was being clumsy again." You shyly said. Baekhyun find it cute and just nod. "Its okay." was all he said.   Kris and Chanyeol came racing back with the 13 tickets in their hand, Suho just shook his head at them. "Seriously, you two should really learn how to grow up, and you, Kris." Suho eyed him carefully, Kris just shrugged. "We're just having FUN! And you should too, you're not getting any younger you know?" Kris casually said, that made the rest of them cracked up.   You'd just giggled, Suho stare at you in disbelief. You bit your bottom trying to not burst into a fit of giggles and just bowed at him, "Mianhae..." Suho just pouted and snatched the tickets from him, "Let's go." He angrily said and stormed inside the entrance.   You'd stop giggling at last and just stare at him, *We were just joking.* You went after him and appeared right next to his side, "You okay, Suho oppa?" You asked.    "No..." He pretended to be sad and all, "Awww.... we were just joking. No need to be sad." You comfortingly patted his back, "Even if Kris said that you'll become old. You'll always looked young to me, even though I barely know you." You happily beamed. Suho couldn't believe on what he had just heard from you, your sentence was so sweet and innocent that he had to chuckle at you, but his heart was filled with warmth and love.   "Hey! You chuckle! That's a good sign." You beamed and was suddenly grabbed the arm, "Woah." You called out and stare at the person that was draggin...

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jackyB #1
exo go fighting
♥(^_^)
Anubis1D #2
Chapter 4: Hello... just to let you know I am only editing 5 chapters per week so... just check back for my input weekly.

①The dance studio... Umm what? She won't turn on the lights in a dark room. Does she have night vision?
②umm... how do they not see her as she sneaks her way out especially with a duffel bag.
③with the queenka, 소림, I thought it was a weak conflict scene.
④5/10, Once you fix the tenses your story will flow better. DESCRIPTIONS You need to describe. Otherwise the story is a bit flat.
Anubis1D #3
Chapter 3: Couple minutes later.... you're probably tired of me right?
① Mixing up tenses again. I'll probably be expecting this throughout the story.
②Please describe the Secret Room and give it a better name than the Secret Room. Its there for transportation services.
③The way she appeared out of nowhere is kind of unlikely. Maybe she should have been transportd to her home.
④ Singing, dancing, and acting are not the only important things unless she's attending an Art school which you have not indicated.
⑤ How does Baekhyun even know that Ka In's class is with Kai. She hasn't even gone to the office to reciebe her schedule.
⑥ 5/10 there are a lot of inconsistenties that need to be addressed.
Anubis1D #4
Chapter 2: Hello, I'm back!!! So I like your story so far but there are somethings that could make your story better.
①Chapter Correction: A New Mission and the King's Gift.
② Crepilse? What does the name mean? I don't think that Ka In should have that name because everyone calls her Ka In and not Crepilse.
③Sorry but your grammar needs some work. Umm tenses are all mixed up. Some words again cannot be used the way you using them. the sentence where Ka In thought that King should not await her. A better verb for that sentence would be "wait for".
④I give this chapter a 4/10. Since it has been 3 years since you've written this story maybe you should reread it. And I am sure that your English has improved. You need to more descriptice about where her setting. I know she's on EXO planet but what does it look like.

Sorry, I made some typos because I'm typing on my phone.
Anubis1D #5
Chapter 1: Hope you don't mind that I am critiquing your story. Sorry if I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi.
1. Chapter Name: Correction - Evil Lady's Attack on EXO Kingdom.
It should be on not to, wrong preposition. And since you've already written the story do you think you may revise the chapter names?

THOUGHTS AFTER READING THE CHAPTER:
2. I saw that once you slipped out of past tense. It's not very good to change tenses.
3. I think you should give names to the Queen K and the Evil Lady. Instead of identifying the 2 queens as Korean and Chinese, you should instead maybe give the Korean queen a Korean name and the Chinese queen a Chinese name. Also Evil Lady sounds laughable. I kinda don't take her seriously yet.
4. I think the Evil Lady (EL)'s daughter should introduce herself and the fight between her and Ka In should be more involved. Ka In may not have an ability but should be able to subdue the EL's daughter until she gets the upper hand and the queen has to rescue her.
4. You have to elaborate on what happened to Ka In when she was 5 and the queen reacued her.
5. Some words aren't made to be used the way you used them like "borned". You mean born and it can never be used as borned.

FINAL THOUGHTS
6. Overall I give the chapter a 6/10. Its good but it has the potential to be better.

SOURCES: English is my native language and I am taking a language and compostion class.
Anubis1D #6
I think your story has a lot of potiential? Just a question though: is English your first or second language?
im_pororo #7
Chapter 1: Action in the first chapter!? This is WOW!!! I can imagine the bodyguards dancing, singing and acting in the battlefield.
flower99 #8
Chapter 72: I like your story.
dhiya_arisa #9
Chapter 72: the story is really great, the part about saeyoung visits her shivered me
dhiya_arisa #10
Chapter 33: the part about the 'dog' thing make me laugh real hard