Routine

Because None of Us Were Angels

Kevin straightened from his crouched position next to the toilet, wiping his mouth. He heaved a sigh, tilting his head up to look at the ceiling. His mouth tasted awful, like the stomach acid he just released into the bowl. It was his early morning ritual. Get up, get ready, puke, brush his teeth, skip breakfast, and go to school. He stood up and brushed his teeth, making sure his breath didn't smell with mouth wash.

 

“Kevin?” His mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs, “Kevin? Do you want breakfast?” She asked, and the smell of bacon and pancakes almost made him want to go back to the toilet bowl.

 

He went to the top of the stairs, in his school uniform minus the blazer, “Aniyo, umma. I'll just get something on my way.” He excused, “I'll be late if I don't leave soon...”

 

“I could give you a ride...” She offered, in one of her strange moods. She was being nice, for once. It didn't happen often and Kevin was almost sorry that he had to refuse once again, “Uh, no, it's fine, umma. I usually meet Kwangmin on the way, anyway.” Kevin retreated back into his room to put the blazer and cologne on. After tying his shoes and grabbing his bag, he skipped down the stairs.

 

He offered a farewell to his mother, which she returned, and shut the door behind him. Kwangmin, his neighbor at the corner, wasn't really waiting for him, in fact, Kevin and Kwangmin weren't even friends. Kwangmin was the jock type, while Kevin...

 

Kevin really didn't know how to describe himself. He was surely abnormal, and strange for people but...He had friends, quite a few, actually. Mostly girls, and only a few guy friends. He wasn't completely socially awkward like some people, but he wasn't exactly popular.

 

Kevin's footsteps thunked loudly against his ears as he walked in silence towards the high school. If only he had been born a girl like his mother wanted, then maybe he wouldn't feel so... lost. He had gotten used to his hunger pains by now, mostly all he felt was the dull ache the absence of food left him with. The pain was worth it if he was beautiful. And what was beautiful was the fact that he could almost see each individual rib of his rib cage without in or anything.

 

He checked the scale this morning, like he did every chance he got, and upon finding he hadn't lost any weight since yesterday made him very unhappy. He didn't eat anything yesterday, so why not? He did drink a lot of water though... so maybe it was all just water weight....

 

Kevin continued on his way down the street, looking around. There wasn't much to be seen in his neighborhood, just a few trees, a bunch of houses, and apart from some of the houses, there was nothing extravagant about it. Just... a normal neighborhood with perfect, happy families. Another reason Kevin didn't belong here, he wasn't normal, or perfect, and he was possibly the farthest from happy he could get. Even if he acted like that with his friends.

 

“Annyeong, Kevin-ssi!” A high voice greeted, Kevin waved as he joined his friend, Somi, forcing a smile to give the appearance of normality. “You look extra happy today, Kevin-ssi.” She smiled, looking happily at his face. She said this, but of course the exact opposite was true.

 

“Thanks, Somi. And how many times do I have to tell you to just call me Kevin? Or oppa?” He said back, entering the school and immediately heading towards his locker.

 

“Sorry, Kevin.” She blushed cutely, looking down at her toes. “Eunjae should be here soon, so we should wait for her here.” She said suddenly, pulling out her phone nervously.

 

“All right.” Kevin nodded, stuffing his jacket and scarf in the locker and grabbing some of his text books, placing them in his bag neatly. “Did you have a good night, Somi?” He asked, focusing on getting his large math book to fit back into his small locker. Why did he have all the advanced courses? It was so much work... but it did help to take his mind from everything...

 

“Ne,” Somi nodded, “I did, my oppa and I went to get Bear groomed so now he's the cutest little puppy ever.” She smiled, clicking a few buttons on her phone and turning it towards Kevin, “See?” She asked, and Kevin's eyes focused on a light brown and fluffy Shi Tzu. Its hair was kept short and curly, almost like a poodles, but with looser curls.

 

Kevin smiled, though he preferred cats much more and agreed, he was quite an adorable puppy. Eunjae arrived a few moments later, right before the bell rung for classes, resulting in their contact being reduced to a quick hello, then a rushed goodbye. Kevin thought, and not for the first time, that maybe Eunjae should stop sleeping in and get to class.

 

Kevin's first class of the day was psychology, which he dreaded because they had started their unit on disorders of the brain, and, naturally, the next disorder they were learning about was anorexia and bulimia, among other eating disorders. But, Kevin didn't believe there was a problem, really, because he could stop any time he wanted to. He just didn't want to.

 

There wasn't anything mentally wrong with him, Kevin was convinced, because he knew that what he did was wrong. A lot of people did bad stuff, and were perfectly sane. Kevin was in the same group as them. He wasn't in the group of 'mentally unstable people'.

 

Now he was contradicting himself, first he didn't think he was normal, now he was stable. He guessed you didn't have to be unstable to be something other than normal. Kevin grimaced, because on top of everything, now he was giving himself a headache. To soothe his aching head, he laid it atop his folded arms.

 

The pain stabbing through his tailbone and the odd feeling of his skin stretching tight over his spine kept Kevin from falling fully asleep, instead he was trapped in the state of being half asleep. In this strange state, Kevin thought of his older sister, the one who was lucky enough to escape with his father. In his mind, she was the one with his crazy mother, and he was away with his father.

 

What a perfect life that would be, really. He would be living in America, with tons of friends, eating junk food everyday. Mostly, he would be free from the voices in his head, the ones that said he wasn't going to be good enough, that he was chubby, ugly, and stupid. Ideally, a life without either with their mother would be wonderful, but, right now, Kevin couldn't think like that.

 

Kevin rubbed his hands over his eyes, trying to clear away the haze, there was no point in starting on the class worksheet the teacher had passed out since there was only about three minutes left in class. Kevin shrugged and straightened his back, the skin relaxed over his spine and his joints ground together while he stretched.

 

“Hey, Kevin!” Sunmin whispered over at him from her seat beside him. He looked over with a questioning gaze, “Are you okay? You seem a bit... off today....” She asked.

 

Kevin nodded, “I just stayed up really late finishing some homework I didn't get to over the weekend, is all.” He covered smoothly with an innocent smile. Sometimes, he was thankful for the face he had, because it always seemed to get him off the hook for things. The class bell rang, keeping their conversation from progressing.

 

His math class was next, meaning he had to actually pay attention. After the grueling hour of equations and formulas, Kevin was a little more than exhausted. Luckily, lunch was next and he always had a good time with his friends, they took his mind away from things almost more than his homework did.

 

“Kevin, you're so skinny, why don't you ever eat anything at lunch?” Eunjae asked, sitting down with her packed lunch. She wasn't a big fan on the lunch food that they served here. Kevin looked at the unidentified meat block on a tray a few seats down on the table, looking at it, Kevin wouldn't eat that if it made him lose weight. And, considering the stomach problems the lunch food would likely give anyone who ate it, the mystery load probably would have anyone drop a couple pounds.

 

“My mother always makes these huge breakfasts, and after school she always has snacks waiting.” Kevin lied, smiling sweetly, “So, I'm never hungry. Plus, I prefer my mother's cooking over... that.” He laughed, as he said it every head sitting near him turned to the same tray off food with a look of disgust.

 

“I hate mystery loaf Wednesdays...it makes everything smell bad. Everything.” Sunmin emphasized.

 

As Sunmin said it, Kevin received a text, pulling his phone from his pocket, the cute charm with stars and a cartoon cat jingled on his phone. He clicked 'read' before he even had a chance to see who it was from. With a sinking feeling as he read, he knew from the words and tone that it was from his mother.

 

“Hey... uhh... I have to call my mother, I'll be back.” He excused, standing up from the table. As soon as he was passed them, going through a crowd, he began running, feeling sick to his stomach. Apparently, his mother's good mood was gone. He didn't like making himself throw up at school, because there were so many people there, he would definitely be heard. He instead tried to get his breathing back to normal.

 

From: Umma

You're totally worthless, aren't you? I can't believe I gave birth to such an idiot son.

 

The text then went on with more berating words, Kevin wiped tears from his eyes, trying to stop crying in the lonely bathroom stall. Kevin thought that maybe by now he should be used to this treatment, since she sent at least one of these types of text messages to him a day... and that was a good day if he only got one.

 

By the time he controlled himself enough to exit the stall, the bell for class was ringing. He stared at himself in the mirror, dissatisfied with the red rings around his eyes, everyone would know he had been crying, but then again, he couldn't just miss the rest of class. That would be one more thing his mother would harass him about, and he couldn't really take that. He pinched at his cheeks a couple times to try to balance out the redness, but it only made him look worse.

 

With a sigh, Kevin left the bathroom, and headed back to class.

....

 

Kevin opened the door as quietly as he could, he didn't see his mother's car in the driveway, but that didn't mean much. He didn't detect any signs his mother was in the house, but he knew that she didn't work today. So, maybe she went out with some of her friends to talk about what a terrible son he was with them. Kevin didn't care much what she said about him, as long as she wasn't here for him to hear it, or be on the receiving end.

 

Kevin's first action as he took off his shoes and blazer was to make a B line for the bathroom. The pressure from the day left his shoulders as the contents left his stomach. Not that there was much in it, he hadn't eaten anything all day, as per usual. After his mother had sent him that text, this moment was prominent in his brain, it being the only thing he really concentrated on. More than once, he caught himself calculating the minutes it would be before he was home, safely tucked away in the comfort of his bathroom.

 

Kevin sighed with relief, now that the act was done, he could concentrate on homework. And, later, he would be able to do the only thing he felt he was good at, which was dancing. His dance group was practicing up for the big school assembly for the end of the year. It was supposed to be some big celebration for all the student going on to college. Kevin didn't know how this school normally ran things since this was his first year at that particular school...

 

It was no sooner that he sat down to start his math homework that his mother texted him again. He ignored it this time, not willing to go through that surprise again, because usually he didn't look at texts from his mother because he knew what they'd say, the basic gist anyway. Her words were always the same, they cut deep.

 

Kevin scribbled the answers to his calculus homework down, hoping they were all correct. Each problem took at least five minutes, that is if he understood it completely the first time around and if it was simple. There were some problems that took over twenty minutes to do. Kevin took a good two hours on his homework, leaving him with only an hour and a half until he was due back at the school for practice.

 

The end of year celebration wasn't for another two months, but his instructor said they had to be perfect for the graduating class. On one hand, Kevin enjoyed the pressure to be perfect, because it fueled his determination. His mother, his instructor, his teachers, all needed and expected him to be a model student, the picture of perfection.

 

And, Kevin was going to give it to them, no matter what the cost.

 

With the remaining time Kevin had before he was to leave, he laid down for a moment on the couch, allowing his body to sink into the thick cushions. The comfort of the cold leather black couch relaxed his muscles more than his routine purging had ever done, and soon, he found himself falling asleep.

 

Kevin was torn away from his dreamless rest by the sound of his telephone ringing its shrewd and awful ringtone. Kevin d in his deep pockets of his school uniform for the noisy device, coming up empty. It was then he realized he had left it on the table alongside his math book and binder.

 

He stood on shaky legs, stretching quickly before picking up his phone. He saw the call was from his instructor, and he flipped his phone open with a tired greeting.

 

“Kevin, where are you?” She asked curiously, so far, Kevin couldn't detect any anger in her voice. She wasn't one to get angry, but Kevin had a hard time figuring out why she was calling, “practice started half an hour ago.” She said to Kevin's dumbfounded silence.

 

Kevin let out a noise of surprise, looking at the clock. Had time passed that quickly? He had been so exhausted and worn down he hadn't even realized he had slept so long. He rushed out an apology to his instructor, who accepted it with a sympathetic tone. “It's all right, Kevin, if you're not feeling well, you can stay home tonight. We still have a while before the actual performance, so it's fine if you miss...I know how hard you have it at school, being top of the class and all that.”

 

Kevin sighed, he didn't want to be seen as weak and someone to be pitied. “Ani, I'll be over in a little I just have to get changed and I'll run as fast as I can there.” He said and hung up the phone before his instructor could protest his decision.

 

There was no way Kevin could miss this opportunity for improvement.

 

He quickly put on red sweatpants and a white hoodie to accommodate the cold weather outside and slipped on his running shoes, grabbing his bag that had his dance shoes, a towel, and an extra pair of clothes before he went out his door.

 

The cold air filled his lungs, slowing his progress down the street. Not only that, his joints ached with the effort of his pumping limbs and the impact of his feet on the sidewalk. Despite the complications, Kevin made it back to the school in ten minutes, his breathing heavy as he walked through the doors and towards the dance room.

 

Kevin sighed, feeling his pulse race in his throat, and joined his classmates.

MIAAAAAANNNNNNNAAAEEEEEE~!

It's been waaaaaaaaaay too long, guys, I'm so sorry!

First of all, my assumption of this chapter being relatively easy to write was COMPLETELY WRONG! It was so hard! I don't like writing this anymore. >.< Ha, that a lie, I love it. But....KEVVVIIIIIINNN!!!!! D:

He's already so skinny.... >.<

Secondly, I've been so busy, it's not even funny. Like...English, the talent show tryouts, and all that. The audition was today, by the way, and I think my friends and I did very well. *nods*

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Thank you!
Soo-Bear
Sorry for the extremely long and unnecessary break guys. I'm back. And planning on finishing this story....

Comments

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Haeyun
#1
Chapter 10: I am very hooked to this story right now. I'm looking forward to reading Kiseop and Jaeseop's stories the most. But wow.
Snowbear #2
Chapter 10: oh my gosh, I fell in love with these stories. The stories of Dongho and Kevin are so sad and they made my cry but...they were written soooo well. Thank u soooo much for writing them.
SooHaPark715
#3
Omfg even though this fic is depressing and shiz, i effin love it! Call me a masochist, idc, but i can relate to some of their insecurities and fears and them feeling helpless and lonely, even though i've never taken it to these extents. I just think that the feelings you portrayed in ukiss's personas for this story are so well put. I have so much respect for you rite now. Please update as soon as you can~ ^^
jinjulazuli #4
Chapter 16: lol i understood all of your metaphors and symbolism
zerothreethirty
#5
Chapter 16: omg haha i understand the things you write so~
zerothreethirty
#6
Chapter 15: kevin just eat and exercise more QAQ omg i really want kevin's story to be good :c
Panda-Chu
#7
Chapter 15: Poor Kevin... actually, poor EVERYone... This is a deliciously depressing fic... >__<
Casandra #8
Chapter 15: Buy for me too. .>______<
Casandra #9
Huhuhu. .hey nice poster u got there. .
zerothreethirty
#10
i'm glad that he's happier :')