The first thing Kevin noticed when he woke up was the bright light coming in through the living room, the second being that he wasn't in his own house. Reality jumps on him when he realizes that this was in fact all real. All Kevin wanted to do at the moment was cry.

Kevin's stomach churned as if it knows what he needs right now. Before entering his safe haven, he makes sure Yoonsoo isn't around. Finding a note addressed to him saying that she had to leave, Kevin rejoiced. Before reading the rest, he quickly did his business.

This time, there was more blood. But, once again, Kevin ignored it.

Brushing his teeth, Kevin examined his split knuckle from the night before. Red spidered across his skin as he flexed his hand, the fragile skin breaking open once more. Wincing, he placed it under the warm water running from the sink. The red danced down the drain, and Kevin longed to be with it.

Going to read the rest of the letter, Kevin noticed Yoonsoo had set him aside some breakfast. Without going through the formalities of actually eating it, he tossed it into the dish disposal and let the roaring blades take care of it.

With a faint smile, Kevin picked up the note once more. Yoonsoo had gone to pick up his family from the airport, it read. What little good mood Kevin had was instantly squelched with the news, he hadn't wanted to see his family. His family meant more impressions, he hadn't seen them for over a year. Weekly phone calls did nothing when Kevin could just lie. Lie about how things at home were, how school was going, how he was feeling. To his father and sister, his life was as close to perfect as any.

He never wanted to tell them the truth. The sense of control he felt while telling his lies, morphing their vision of him was incomparable to anything else he felt. Nothing but purging could even mimic the feeling. It was always only about control.

And now Kevin was losing it.

Yoonsoo and his family could be back any minute, Kevin realized belatedly. Rushing into action, he grabbed his bag with his clean clothes inside to change. He combed his messy blonde hair, placing half of it in a pony tail. Digging through Yoonsoo's medicine cabinets and drawers, he searched for concealer to cover up the hideous bruise on the side of his face. Finding himself incredibly lucky Yoonsoo wore the same shade as his skin, Kevin expertly covered the mark. Years of dance and stage makeup has done him well, by the time he was done, even he couldn't tell the difference.

Putting everything back in order, Kevin went to sit in the living room once more. He didn't turn on the television, he didn't even know where the remote was, as he knew nothing would be able to keep his attention. Knowing it would be weird for everyone to walk in on him doing absolutely nothing, Kevin reached for his backpack.

The least he could do was at least pretend to study. Sitting on his knees in front of the coffee table, Kevin let the differential equations fill his mind to the brim. Before he knew it, the door was opening, and he heard the familiar voice of his father call out to him.

Kevin tensed, not moving from his spot as he heard all the footsteps grow closer. “Kevin?” his sister called, stepping into the living room, “What are you doing?” She asked, looking over his shoulder.

“Homework.” Kevin asked, clutching his pencil tightly, “my Calculus is due tomorrow.”

“Kevin, can you stop for a second, we have some things we need to talk about.” Diana said softly, sitting next to him and placing her hand tenderly on his forearm. Kevin nodded, dropping his pencil. But he still didn't look up at his sister.

“Mom's in a mental hospital.” She said softly, “They've diagnosed her with Dissociative Identity Disorder and Bipolar Disorder, both of which are severe.”

“We also talked to the doctor that had checked up on you, Kevin.” His dad began, his voice unemotional as far as Kevin could tell. Kevin's heart raced.

“Kevin...” Diana rubbed his back, his voice soft, “Kevin, why do you do this to yourself? You know you're perfect to us... you don't need to do this.”

“Perfect?” Kevin's voice was weak, much like his will to resist the truth, “You don't know the meaning of perfect.”

“I know the past few years have been hard on you, Kevin-”

“It didn't start with mom's cheating, dad. It started when I was little. Mom never liked me when I was wild, she wouldn't praise me like she did Diana. She was ashamed to look at me. All I ever wanted was for her to love me, to be the perfect son to a mother who never wanted one.” Kevin still hadn't looked up from his homework sheet.

It was quiet while Kevin took a shaky breath, “I wanted to control myself, to not be so wild and unwanted. I pushed myself hard, so hard-” Kevin's voice broke as tears filled his eyes, “I tried doing everything that would make mom happy, and it never seemed to work. I never meant to stop eating, I never meant to being purging. It just happened.”

Kevin felt Diana's hand begin to shake on his back, but he couldn't look up to see the tears on her face, “I had worked myself so hard, I forgot to eat. And, when I finally did after three days, I puked it all up again. And...and it felt so satisfying. I did it again and again. I thought, maybe I was too hideous for mother to love me, and I wanted to fix that. It was my last option. I wanted her so badly to love me.” Kevin felt the tears swell and flood his eyes, clinging desperately to his eyelashes.

“It's not that she didn't love you, Kevin...” Diana said quietly.

“Yes it was!” Kevin burst, his words dying with a sob, “she never loved me, not even a fraction of how much she loved you. She hated me, especially after I told dad of her affair.”

“I'm so sorry, Kevin. I'm sorry I didn't take you with me to America.” His dad's voice sounded in the silence, broken only by Kevin's small sobs. “I thought it would be best for you to stay here with your schooling.”

“I've never blamed you...” Kevin answered honestly, holding his tears back once more, “I only ever blamed myself.”

“We can get you help, Kevin. We'll stay with you to get you help, okay?” Diana promised.

It was Yoonsoo who spoke next, “My brother has a facility...” She suggested, “for troubled teens and recovery. It's a new sort of establishment, where it's not just for eating disorders or drug addiction.” Yoonsoo then began to explain, but Kevin blocked it all out.

They wanted him to get help, and overcome his addiction and disorder. They were going to get him through this. Inside, Kevin felt numb. Was he, so broken a boy, even worth the time? Was there anything good that could come from his recovery? Would he be able to be a normal person again? Would he be able to look a person in the eye without fearing their judgment?

“Am I worth it?” Kevin whispered out loud, but due to the discussion around him, no one heard him. No one answered his desperate question.

He wasn't worth it.

He couldn't be. Their time, their efforts, he feared would all come to naught. He was capable of being saved. He was far too damage now to continue.

It was all decided by the time Kevin brought himself back to attention. He would stay at the facility, surrounded by boys and girls just as broken and helpless as he was. He would stay there to get better. Kevin agreed, but only to please his father. He, above all else, didn't want his father to hate him, too. And Diana, Kevin glanced at his sister finally, his poor sister was bawling her eyes out.

As she embraced him, Kevin was shocked at how warm she was, and how cold he had been. Her warmth, unlike anything he had felt, brought more tears to his eyes. He couldn't figure out why he was crying, or even when he had started up again, but suddenly he couldn't stop the tears.

He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so accepted and warm. He could feel how weak he had become in that instant. He felt how thin he was, how fragile. He felt the desire begin to burn in his chest, a desire to change. He didn't want to be like his mother, he didn't want to end up like her. What terrified him was to lose what little family he had left now. He didn't want to be alone.

He wanted, above all, to be saved. Even if he wasn't worth it, he was still offered a chance. It was more than enough motivation.

“I love you, Kevin.” Diana whispered, running her fingers softly through his hair, “I love you so much.”

…........

Kevin never thought it would be so easy, reducing his life into just one box of belongings. He was instructed to bring a journal, and really, besides a few outfits and a few books, he had nothing else. He never put much sentimental value on the things he had acquired through the years. There was no point, not when the person giving them didn't love you.

Kevin turned the pendant of the necklace in his hand, pondering the meaning of the lifeless tree in his palm. It was what his sister had given him a few hours before coming to this place. He slipped the chain back over his head and tucked it in his shirt. Feeling the cold weight against his skin somehow had him moving forward. His family wasn't allowed in with him, Yoonsoo had warned, because coming alone made sure that he wanted to get help.

It was strange to think, that after all this time, he would be receiving some for of therapy and aide to get himself over this. Was it an addiction? Kevin remembered in his health class as anorexia and bulimia being classified as mental health disorders. But...he didn't feel crazy. He felt perfectly in control of his mind.

Before he knew it, he was at the door of Mr. Shin's office, hand poised to knock. What was he going to say when he walked in? Something in his mind told him that this was a dream and with the door opening, he would jolt awake in his bed, still sick with fever.

His mom would be downstairs making breakfast. Maybe he'd join her in eating. It would be as if the passed year and a half hadn't happened.

Kevin realized, that would be the dream. All he was facing at the moment was cold, hard reality. Mr. Shin opened the door, and Kevin was surprised to see he wasn't that old, maybe 30. Black rimmed glasses rested on a pointed noise, and his dark eyes took in Kevin. His eyes were sincere and sympathetic, “What can I do for you, son?”

“I...I need help.” Kevin stuttered, looking away from the man before him. “I have a problem, and I need to get help. For my family...” Kevin paused, feeling his pulse beat at his throat, “And for myself.” He added.

“Then, you're welcome here.” Mr. Shin smiled, at which relief flowered through Kevin. He didn't even notice how he had feared the rejection, and was grateful it hadn't come.

They talked for some time, about Kevin and how he had come to be the way he was. Mr. Shin had cried with Kevin, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as he recited his tale. “I'd first like to apologize to you, Kevin, for what you've been through. And I'd like to offer you the chance at recovery as you have asked for. We will help you here, Kevin, for as long as you are willing to recover yourself. The moment it becomes about someone else, and not you, is the moment when it all comes to nothing. You have to understand that, okay? Like with any addiction, you have to want it for yourself. Are you sure this is what you absolutely want?”

Kevin hesitated. Sure, he could pretend all he wanted that he was going to be doing this for himself, but really, all it came down to was not disappointing his father and sister. He felt the pendant against his skin, somehow it still felt cold. Kevin stayed quiet for a while, mulling it over completely.

“I...” Kevin lifted his eyes to look directly into Mr. Shin's. “I'm not saying I want it for myself completely just yet, but I'm working towards that. I really wish I could tell you I'm doing this for myself, but I'm not. Right now, as I'm sitting here, I want nothing more than to lock myself up into a bathroom. I want to feel the satisfaction of indulging in my addiction. I don't yet see any of this coming to a horrible end for me, I'm not afraid of the consequences, but for what it would do to my family.

“But I can't continue like this. I can feel all my control slowly slip away, I can feel all of this taking a toll on me. I don't want to end up like my mother. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I don't want to die. Because that's what it will end in, isn't it? I'll have a heart attack, or fall ill, or just drop dead. I'm not afraid of it, but I don't want it, either. I want to see for myself all the happiness others around me seem to be experiencing. And I can't, not while I'm like this.” Kevin finished, more tears falling from his eyes. He hadn't cried so much in ages, but it felt good. It was like he was letting go of all this pain and exhaustion.

“Well, Kevin...it seems like you understand and do, in fact want it for yourself. We'll get you better, Kevin. We'll make you happy.” Mr. Shin promised. Just the way he said it, like it was going to be his sole purpose from that moment on, made Kevin believe in it. Even if just a little.

Before Kevin could go into the room he would be assigned, he had to retrieve his belongings from Yoonsoo's police car. Yoonsoo was leaning against the hood of her car, face tilted up towards the sun that had finally appeared from the thick covering of clouds. Spring would be coming soon, and all the dead trees would once again burst with the lively green Kevin had missed.

Stepping out onto the sidewalk, he felt the spring more powerful than anything he had ever felt before. With spring came new beginnings, he thought to himself with a small smile. If a tree after a long and cold winter could be revived in the spring, then maybe even as broken a boy as Kevin could get a second chance. That maybe he was worthy of one.

The last of Kevin's chapters. I'm sorry if it seems...moody. Or cheesy. It's hard to write about this kind of stuff, you know?

Especially since Kiseop's chapters are next, and I'll be able to identify with his more than any of the ones coming and passed.

I mean, in ways, I connect with all of them... but.... Kiseop's...

Anyway, enjoy. As best as you can, I mean. >_<