{review} Calling PixieDream

Deadly Deal: Hidden Love by PixieDream

Title (4/5)

I've seen these kind of titles before, so it doesn't really interest me. So far, I only understand how "Deadly Deal" relates to the story, but not the "Hidden Love" part.

Appearance (0/5)

The font is hard to read, Sandara is pretty blurry, and…Okay, let me just say that you need a better poster. All I can get from this poster is that there's G-Dragon and Sandara in this fanfic.

Description/Foreword (6/15)

First of all, take out the author's note about saying that it's not your first time in AFF and etc. That's not needed in the description.

Second of all, if it's rated, you rate the whole story. You don't just say that the story is rated at the bottom of the page. The rule states that you should rate the story for mature contents, which includes extreme violence and sexual activity.

Other than that, I found parts of the description confusing. For an example, in the foreword I couldn't tell if the text switched from paragraph to paragraph until I read it through multiple of times.

Plot (23/25)

I could've given you full points if you haven't made the deal between the devil and Ji Yong. There are a ton of fanfics out there where when a character dies, he or she makes a deal with the devil or whoever and is given a chance to live. However, I gave you most points because I kind of like how the girl is suffering because of his "death," but he has to make her own life suffer.

Characters (10/15)

The characters aren't really unique. However, I do love Ji Yong's character here in this story. It fits the plot very well. 

Writing (Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation) (14/20)

You just had a couple of errors here and there. Some of them were really big errors, and others were pretty small errors. However, when I read some parts of the story, I was a bit confused with the plot and what was going on. In some chapters, you also bolded the whole chapter out. You should unbold the chapters unless you want to emphasize a certain word in the chapter.

Chapter 1:

Incorrect:

This overly sweet guy is called Dong Youngbae. Dara's best friend since birth.

"What's with the frowning face, Dara-ah?" She pouted and pointed at her stupid classmates. "I see, don't mind them, they will just give you headache." She nodded and smiled.

"By the way, where's Jiyoung?" She looked around; hoping to spot his golden hair but found no trace. "Why is he not here yet?"

Correct:

This overly sweet guy was called Dong Youngbae, and he was Dara's best friend since birth.

"What's with the frowning face, Dara-ah?" She pouted and pointed at her stupid classmates. "I see. Don't mind them, they will just give you a headache." She nodded and smiled.

"By the way, where's Jiyoung?" She looked around, hoping to spot his golden hair. However, she  found no trace. "Why is he not here yet?"

Chapter 5:

Incorrect: 

"You wouldn't tell will you oppa? I really need it right now and even you can't stop me!" She pushed Yongbae off from blocking her door. He landed with an "ooff". She quickly grabbed the door and closed it.

"Dara."

Before h can stop her, she quickly turned on the engine and drove off. Leaving Yongbae behind dumbfounded.

Correct: 

"You wouldn't tell, would you, Oppa?" I really need it right now, and even you can't stop me!" She pushed Yongbae away from her door. He landed with an "oof" as she quickly grabbed the door and closed it.

"Dara."

Before he could stop her, she quickly turned on the engine and drove off, leaving Yongbae behind, dumbfounded.

Flow (4/5)

I think that the flow is going a bit too fast, but I don't really have a huge issue with the flow.

Overall Enjoyment (6/10)

This is my first DaraGon fanfic I've read, and I kind of enjoyed it. If you go back to your story and fix up your errors, then I might've enjoyed it more.

Total: 67/100 (67%)