A little drabble I wrote for a rp. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
With quiet footsteps he padded into his room not bothering to turn on any lights. He glanced around everything was the same. He didn’t really expect his world to end when they broke up. He had known it would end. In fact he didn’t even think it would last as long as it did. With a heavy sigh he fell back hitting the couch with a soft thud. His arm draped lazily over his eyes.
Not only was this a shitty day the week didn’t look much better. He’d have to go through the motions. Sleep, fuck a client, and maybe eat if he could, only to repeat again. Such a mundane life he lived now that he thought about it. But what could he do? He had accepted his fate. So why was he feeling so fucking miserable? He hated feeling like this. There was a reason he never got involved with anyone. It was because this shit hurt. People could preach at him all they wanted, don’t worry you’ll find someone else, life goes on, well they could all go choke on their shitty ass words. Maybe he was being over-dramatic but he felt he could afford to be like this.
It wasn’t everyday he let someone in and watched them trample all over what little anti apathy he had left. He sat up. It was for the better. He’d rather have it gone all the way anyway. He shook his head his hair falling in his eyes. His eyes caught the slight gleam of the TV. They flickered down toward the game system he had. He curled his lip in slight disgust. With deliberate hand he grabbed the gaming system and games hauling it up and walking over to his balcony. Without a backward glance he tossed it over the railing. For all his outward appearance and slight adolescent actions he really wasn’t a child anymore. And he wouldn’t let foolish things like that stay in his life. Especially if they reminded him of…he shook his head violently.
He needed to get out of his apartment. Slipping out he didn’t even bother locking his door. He didn’t have anything worth stealing or worth anything to him if it was stolen. His feet carried him slowly up flights of stairs. His mind was wandering. He’d gone back to that little space of his. The one that shunned out everything. He didn’t really think or feel for that matter. Not when he was in that space. It’s how he survived so long doing what he was doing. How he survived outside of the High Life. His fingers clasped the icy door handle turning it. He knew where he had gone before he opened the door. He should have known he would subconsciously come here. He always came up to the roof. It was the best place for him to breath.
But right now looking at the roof it was the worst place for him to be. He blinked his eyes instantly narrowing in on the spot where they had lain. In that instant he hated him. It wasn’t an anger born of bitterness but of loss. It wasn’t the one that made the world darker or life laden with the burden of spite. This anger made everything more acute. It put a special burn on everything. It was the kind of anger that made you aware of just exactly what was missing from your life. And Zelo had done everything until that moment to keep the anger of loss at bay. But once it struck it seeped into every pore that he had. It was constricting. He could feel it tightening around the gaping holes that had been left inside him. This only fueled his anger more. At himself, at him, at everything. He screamed then. A loud piercing cry. One of despair, anger, and an aching sadness.
He blinked as he felt warm tears fall down his cheeks the wind turning them icy. He brought his hand to brush against his cheek bringing it back to stare at the wetness. He didn’t know how long he stood there or how long the tears continued to fall or when chill of the wind pulled out all of his anger leaving behind an even deeper hollowness than he had ever known. The sun had set leaving a soft twilight behind. He stared out at the city his feet moving closer to the edge. He took a deep breath the wind nipping his already numb fingertips. But he didn’t notice anymore. How could you notice what was numb when everything was already numb? The lights of the city flickered and twinkled. Lights went out and lit up just as fast. Like life, like love, he turned his head down and looked at the dusky street below.
Life was just as easily replaced as is was taken. His foot shifted forward more his foot hanging off the edge precariously. What was it like to lose yourself to that void? Was it any different then the one he was in now? In a sudden breath his foot slid as he forcefully threw his arms back the momentum tumbling him to the safe rooftop. His heart hammered noiselessly in his chest. Nothing was worse than wishing for the void and being too afraid to take that leap. He was trapped. He had always been trapped. What did he do now? He didn’t want to stay in the numbness anymore but he was a coward and couldn’t go to the void. With shaky legs he hurriedly stumbled down the stairs. He would do what he had been doing before he had come into his life. He would just exist. He’d be another mass on the Earth. Breathing and for all intensive purposes living. After all zombies roamed the Earth already. No one would notice another one in their midst.
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