I am so excited.
My heart pumps loudly and there is a knot in my stomach, but only in a good way. I have been working all my life to get here.
And being here at the age of only 21 is a miracle. Many people judge me for being so young but already working with the best of the best in the entertainment industry, but I know how hard I worked for all this.
I wipe the non-existing dust off my thighs and try some breathing exercises to calm my nerves. I start to bite my thumbnail, a bad habit I've had as long as I can remember.
I have seen them many times before, on Tv, in music videos on award shows. I've also heard them many times before, even on my own playlist.
I know there just humans, but I can't help but think of them as much more.
Many thoughts kolk in my brain, both bad and good and I need to put a stop to this before I go crazy. I know my new boss, the manager, said I should wait and meet them first when they come back from there supposedly dance practice, but my knees are trembling. If I have to sit still for another minute I feel like my head is going to explode.
I take a couple of deep breaths before I knock on the wooden door with a small matted glass strip. The name tag, manager, is clearly visible.
When there no answer I carefully try to open the door. I succeed and see the man at his desk. His busy with paperwork or something, and he is leaned over his desk.
I scrape my throat, not only because I want his attention, but also because I'm afraid my voice my tremble if I don't.
Damn, I scold myself for my stutter. He looks up at me, I'm happy there isn't any form of irritation on his face.
'Ah, miss lee, the new stylist'
I greet him and bow. 'how can I help you?' he asks while putting his pen down.
'ahh..' I try to form a good sentence so I can make it sound like I'm not doing so I don't explode from nervosity. 'The members aren't here yet, should I already start with getting ready?'
He seems to think about it for a moment before he agrees. 'you know where to go right?'
I nod and breath out, only then I notice I had held my breath.
I smile and bow 90 degrees again before I say goodbye and quickly walk out the door. I make sure to close the door behind me, with not to much sound.
I slowly breathe out again.
This feeling is killing me! Why am I so nervous. I stand still to give myself a little pep talk.
'Lee ren! You worked whole life to get here. You are worthy, you can do it! fighting!' I shake my fist to give it extra power.
I should go to my car. All my stuff is there I could already start to gather everything to meet the members. They hired me for their new comeback. I don't know what the deal is with meeting them if I should introduce myself or if I should just explain my ideas and what kind of concept I wanted the clothes to be. I remember when they called me. They wanted to be 'out of the box' and a 'comeback that wasn't like anything they've done before' they had seen my work on my blog and were excited if they could work with me.
I almost lost my when they mentioned they were from SM entertainment. Of course, I had heard my fair share of what a ty company it was, especially for there members. But it was still one of the biggest entertainment companies in the whole of South-Korea. You've had said yes too.
I spin around a couple of time guessing which way of the small hall I should go. I honestly have no idea, which way is the right one.
After standing still for a minute or so I decide to go with left, why? I have no idea, I can't even remember which way I came from.
If I get lost I have to run into staff somewhere right? It's the way I've found my way to the manager’s office.
When I passed the same elevator for what feels like the hundredth time I start to feel uneasy. I still didn't run into ANY staff whatsoever and I bet that I couldn't find the manager's office again even if I tried.
My knees start to tremble when I even try to think about going with the elevator.
I hate elevators with a burning passion. I've only gone with one once but I had a severe panic attack. I wouldn't want to relive that. Ever. I'm actually claustrophobic.
Not in every situation. The few people that actually knew never stopped asking when I did or when I didn't feel claustrophobic. I mean I can't control it. I do, when I do.
I start to get it hot and my ears start to burn. This can't be happening on my first day right?
My first day can't be this ty.
Sweat starts to prickle on my back when I walk, yet again, around another corner.
Then suddenly I spot something in the corner of my eye. Is that? Is that actually a staff member? I almost start to cry in relieve. Maybe there actually is a way out of this ty building.
The staff member, a man, is turned with his back against me. Guessing from what he's wearing he is a bodyguard of some sort. I'm not that small, neither tall, but that man is absolutely HUGE. Not only broad but also tall. It's very intimidating. That makes that even more he also is bald, what makes him look like a gang member. I haven't even seen his face but I'm already a little scared.
Hesitating I walk to the men and I lightly tap him on the shoulder. 'E-excuse me?'
The man turns around so quickly I take a step back. 'Omo!'.
The man lowers his head and before I can ask anything he angrily asks: 'Who are you, and what do you want'
I wasn't far off when I predicted he looked like a gang member. His dark eyebrows are standing low in a constant angry look and his big nose and small eyes only accentuate the constant 'angry look'.
I stand there with an open mouth for a little bit before I come to my senses again.
'O-oh' I almost forgot what I was asking. 'Er- I was looking for the stairs' I smile nervously. 'I kind of lost my way you see'
Instead of the answer, I was hoping for, the location of the stairs, I got barked at again.
'Who are you? And what are you doing here?' I don't think he even tries but his voice is already so loud it rings in my ears. I take another step back. 'I-I'm the new stylist of exo, Lee ren.'
He squeezes his eyes together. Why is he looking at me like that?
Then it hits me. With all the crazy fangirls around him probably thinks I'm just one of them, sneaked into the building hoping for a glance of my idol. The past few years they've only grown. I hear some of them even went undercover. And supposedly there everywhere.
'Oh-oh wait I can give show you, my employee pass' I quickly bring my hands to my side for my purse but they only touch air. I can already feel my heart skip where. I gasp loudly looking at my side.
'My purse!' I look at the bodyguard again. 'I swear it was in my purse! I've must have left it at the manager!'
'That's enough!' The man yells. ' You're coming with me' He grabs me by the arm. While dragging me through the hall.
'No, no you don't understand I actually work here ask the manager!' He proceeds to ignore me and drag me through the halls before he comes to a stop in front of the elevator.
I can already feel the sweat for on my temples. I start to pull the fabric of his jacket to get his attention. 'S-sir' I jank at the fabric again and the grip on my upper arm gets even stronger. I'm sure I'm getting bruises, but I can't focus because he wants me to go into the elevator but I absolutely can't. Fear starts to overwhelm.
He still ignores me when he presses the buttons on the elevator. 'Sir I can't go into that elevator I'm claustrophobic please don't do this to me!' I feel like I can't even stand on my legs anymore.
I already feel tears burn in my eyes. My mind and body scream that I can't go into that elevator. I'm having a full-blown panic attack and that jackass doesn't even seem to notice.
'Hey Mister Pyung what are you doing to our newbie?' Both mine and the bodyguards head swing into the direction of the voice.
Tears finally fall when I realize it's the manager. I quickly wipe them away and I hope no one noticed. My voice still trembles when I call his name 'Manager!'
The bodyguard quickly lets go of my arm and stands straight. 'This is an intruder Sir!' He says while putting his arms behind his back.
'No she's not' the manager shakes his head.
'But sir she doesn't have any kind of ID one her!' The manager walks toward us. 'Well that's because she left her purse in front of my office!'
He stretches his arm out so I can grab my purse. On his face, you can clearly see the sympathy.
'Sorry, sir!' The bodyguard firstly bows toward the manager and then to me.
He doesn't even apologize!
I sniffle a little bit and the manager hands me what seems like a handkerchief to wipe my tears. 'I'm sorry you had to go through that Miss. Lee' I come back to my senses and immediately apologies.
'I'm sorry sir! I shouldn't have left my purse there.' He squeezes my shoulder. It isn't your fault. We've all been there, my first day too! That bodyguard shouldn't have treated you that way.'
I nod 'thank you sir' I try to smile 'Do you know where the stairs are?