EXO POV

It is with great pain that I acknowledge the twinkling lights on the other side of the window, taking in the sea of people in the streets below. They move about like ants scavenging for food, the smile on their face without a doubt as bright as the twinkle in their eyes. Christmas has finally arrived, the dark night a little drunk if you ask me. I spent the whole day in bed, thinking of home and recalling the scent of curry which most probably fills mom's kitchen. I miss my parents and their endless chatter on this chaotic but special day, just like they still do in my memories. And my limbs felt weak as I laid down, hugging the blankets to my neck. In the silence of my room, I felt lonely and cold despite my expensively warm pajamas and socks. There was such a dull to the day that even playing with my phone quickly got easily boring, to the point that I had thrown it to the other side of the room. Everyone was posting about their time with their family, sharing pictures about them shopping or eating. But my manager lingered on the other side of the door, reminding me with his incessant steps that I had responsibilities. And despite knowing he was right, I struggled against the sleep. A pointless rebellion because I eventually dozed off on the floor.

The world has once again put on its winter coat. It's the same white scenery that you find in books, songs, movies or at your grandparents' place. It's familiar, in a nostalgic kind of way, leaving you breathless just from watching it. And I watched it all past satiation, cramped in the van and humming to the radio. The falling snowflakes seem to sparkle sadly, the lights of the festivities looking dimmer than in my memories. Soon enough will follow the tugs on my hair, the jabs at my face and the inexpressive glances. A cold world I chose to embrace years ago... but all of my concerns fades into the void when I heard your voice. That's when I felt my own heart come to life.

The dark sky that stretches between tomorrow and yesterday goes ignored when the door of the van is forced open. Immediately, a series of flash greet me and I would have gone blind if my manager had not tossed a pair of sunglasses my way. No time to slack as I am dragged out, the sound of your voice getting louder. It pounds at my temple but I don't mind, not when you have the brightest of smiles. It seems crazy but I'd rather hear your shouts than be alone with the silence. And the sound of my name on your lips soothes away the heavy beats of my erratic heart. It lasts no more than ten seconds, enough for the sleep to leave me. My eyes are wide as I greet the staff, hands tingling from the adrenaline. You're here though, albeit on the other side of the wall but still here. And that's all I need to know when the stylist grabs my shoulder.

It's a race against time, nothing I'm new too. But once it is all done, a new man stands in the mirror; a man far more perfect than me. There is a glint to his smoke-filled eyes, his every move graceful as he fixes the collar of his shirt. Smooth skin peeks beneath the buttons, enough to blur the lines between decency and provocation. It would not last long, my fingers working on the material in haste before slipping a black shirt on. It struggled against my black locks for a moment, those locks which are now stretched backward and flash red as the light bounce over them. Then my eyes fall lower, where the makeup artist is painting my lips pink. It's a short woman with the lower half of her face covered, trying her best to not meet my gaze. I sigh, knowing that my pleas will remain unheard no matter what.

Loneliness, a feeling I never thought would occupy my heart when I first seized my dream. After all, hadn't I worked for years just to be able to stand here? And yet, I never thought it would make me this lonely. That's why I have you, uri EXO-L! That's why your voice and smile is the first thing I seek as I blink through the lights. You see, my Christmas may not go as well as I wish for but since I have you, it is not my worse either. That's why I smile, brightly at that. It's because you being here makes it all worth it.

Once again I tell you to keep warm and be healthy, but I wonder if I can be like this. So much time in each other's company but it just never feels enough...You scream of your love for me, eyes sparkling as you chant my name. But, I don't really know if it will last and this scares me. Am I good enough? Was it okay to do that? Should I continue? The doubt is eating me raw even if the smile stays plastered on my face. And so I eventually say, "Let's stay together forever!"

But can I really keep you with me eternally?

Jingle, Jingle Bell, here we go again. A time of joy, the world says. On the streets, people hold each other's hands and their eyes glow with happiness. You know what, though? The only hand I want to keep holding, even when my voice will fail me in the old days, is yours. I can feel its warmth, long after you're gone and when the sheets feel rough. I'd toss on my bed recalling your smile, eyes skimming through the pictures of me that you've drawn. Is it a ridiculous dream to wish to take you to my world, to run away from everyone and just be with you? Do you dream of such a dream too? I dare not ask you.

Every day is a mystery but nothing can go wrong when you're by my side. Yesterday, today and every day, I shall sing a song for you, hoping that through the melody you can hear my heartbeats. Every boom is for you, just like every thought is of you. Please let me hold your hand, always.

And so the night slips away in the blink of an eye, dragging with it every bit of energy that I have. My limbs ache quietly, my throat itchy after all the shouting we've done tonight. I presume it is the same with you, your face flustered red and glistening with sweat. I allow myself to carve the sight in my mind, reminding myself that this is what I worked so hard for. And your smile catches me off guard, softening my heart. You're so beautiful and I hope you know it.

Maybe I'm in love, I muse on the way back. The latest album plays in the background, songs that only reached your ears a couple of weeks ago. My gift to you, which I hope you've realized. A pair of slacks and an overworn hoodie on, I am no longer the man of your dreams. I only share his name and his face, chin hiding behind my raised knees while the awake city fades away. It's been a long while but I guess that did not really matter. My emotions are unjustified since I may have you, but you remain out of reach. I replay our memories, mostly the recent ones, and the cold doesn't bother me that much anymore.

Christmas Love, indeed. The same scene that I've been seeing endlessly, for as long as I've lived. And yet, the warmth in my chest pushes away the darkness that crawls at my feet. I may have fallen in love with the thought of you, innocence and wit wrapped in inner beauty. Your devotion to me, I admit that I don't understand it. Still, I may have grown a little bit used to it all... The world I chose is cold and lonely, but it led me to you. And I think I would walk that path all over again if you were my destination. Yeah, I must be in love to have such thoughts, though I can only wish you would give me a chance.

There are so many things about this world that you don't know. There is so much I wish to protect you from, but I can't let you know. Time is wearing out though and I become greedy. I miss home, the one that no one knows about. I miss the past, so bright and calm, that I relive in my dreams. Unspoken truths in the way that I stare at you, webs of a lie I hope you never find. A cold world indeed until your eyes open up... But I once said goodbye, knowing that you would come back, so the hope still dwells in my heart. Maybe I'm love and maybe I am not... How to reply with sealed lips?