Is it hard? To be all ears and listen to everything these people are going to say? These people, who have always needed a word of comfort. They are the ones who were thrown into the dungeon, being left without lights, as the sources were taken, the only thing given was only darkness; a pitch black room which you chose to lock them in.

Is it that hard? To stop the deafening silence from taking away their lives, my life, our lives? Yes, my life. As years passed, the pain doesn't seem to cease. I've been living a life which neither of us deserved. Being called ugly, being thrown harsh words, my dreams were ceased by people I love the most. I lived my life with trust issues, anxiety, low self-esteem; I always think that I ain't good enough.

For 25 years, people put me to silence. For everything I wanted to scream and vocalize, they were then left unspoken and died deep within me but the pain is never ceased up until today. I wasn't given a chance to let it out, to voice my thoughts and until now I don't actually know how to properly say it aloud.

I tried for many times to tell them that I need to be saved from all these thoughts running in my mind but every time I did it, I was seen problematic, an attention seeker. That is the fault in our society. They lied, they acted like they care when they don't, they never did. When we spoke the truth, saying we're hurting, they would only tell us to be strong and everything will be fine which indeed nothing is going to be fine. They never put themselves in our shoes. They never give us proper words of perceiving our thoughts, they never knew how to, until we then choose a wrong step just to be happy, just to finally put the pain to stop.

My mind does not normally work like others. If I were thrown harsh words, I'd usually kill them in my mind, for days, for weeks. I'd severely hurt them, torture them, in my imagination, they were all dead, severely killed, and I was thrilled to do so in real life. I'd love to kill them, I'd love to be a murderer. But then, I only stared into the distance and hurt myself. The only one I killed for countless of times is only me, myself, and I.

And for Jonghyun, I can feel how bad the feeling of not being good enough is, I can feel how the silence had agonizingly killed us, our lives, our supposedly happy lives and I can feel how hurtful it is to see others painting the world perfectly when we couldn't even finish one even though we've perfectly drawn it better than everyone else. I feel how desperate you are to coax yourself with "It's okay, I've been doing good, I've been doing super well and I've finally got better in everything, I've been better, always the greater".

Words we have always wanted to hear are only, "You've been doing great, a lot greater. Stop worrying". Because people like us just couldn't stop comparing ourselves to others, couldn't stop underestimating ourselves to the point that we feel everything is wrong, we should have been better and better.

But the good words were being silenced by the hatred. We've got to the point of thinking that everything is just a great failure. I've been doing arts, writing motivational quotes, everything just to make me feel good but somehow they just stopped halfway because I ain't good enough. This feeling hurts, deeply, inside and out.

Rest well, Kim Jonghyun. Now you're in peace, can finally see heaven and please live a peaceful life there. You'll be missed. Your songs, have been a great cure to me. 'Breathe' has been a healing song, always, and forever to me. Rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun, we love you.

To people, if you truly care, do not start when only thing like this happened. Do not only show concern when people are dying, do not only show your help only when they're a breath away from heaven, do not be there when they are no longer there. Do not only show respect when they are closing their eyes, putting themselves to a forever sleep. Use your eyes, mouths, ears, wisely. Do not tell them they are wrong for trying to kill themselves, save them. Save us. Stop being deaf.

Yours truly.