My letter to our angel, our king, Bling Bling Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun. And also to others.

Like many, SHINee brought me into kpop. You made me smile when I wanted to cry. You made me laugh when I needed it the most. And I'm so sorry I couldn't do the same for you, seas and continents away.

My love. I've been there before. I've been there so many times, but I was always pulled out. But I'm lucky. I live somewhere where I can get help easily, and not be so criticized for it. And maybe the help I've received, the medications, are what's made me be able to look at your face in the posters on literally every room in my room, without crying. Your departure has given me a lot to think about. I've thought a lot about death, when before, when I faced death myself, I didn't think about it nearly as much. Even when I had family members pass, I didn't think about it. Perhaps this is because you're the first ray of sunshine whose death was so abrupt, so unexpected, that I had to stop and wonder.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in ghosts, so in some way, I guess I do believe in an afterlife. I do want to believe there is one, though. I want to believe that you're somewhere warm, bright, and happy. I hope you can watch your family, friends, and look over them when they get into such a small bubble, just like you did. So you can pull them out. I want to believe you got to meet Michael Jackson, that you got to dance with him, share music.

I guess really, the reason I don't cry when I see your pictures, or watch your music videos, is because I know those were happy memories. Yes, it was hard, but you were doing what you wanted. You loved music. You loved performing, and making people around you happy, making your family smile. So I don't want to look at your happy memories and become sad. You wouldn't want that. You wouldn't want people to look back at you with nothing but tears and heartache. You'd want to keep making us happy with your memory, even if you're not here to share them. But you are there, somewhere, watching us, I think. At least watching your family, your friends, your members.

Let's honor your memory, my angel. Let's love you together. Let's spread awareness of what you were going through. Let's let idols know it's okay to get help, and encourage it. Let's give idols more emotional support, more medical help, and therapy, so hopefully something like this never happens again.

I even wonder if maybe...just maybe...you ran out of yourself. I've been so close to the edge, so, so close. But I have so much left to give. I've not lived my life. But you, my angel, have been singing for a decade. You gave so much of yourself to others that perhaps you didn't have enough left for yourself. Who knows?

In the end, we all knew you were an angel, with that voice, and with that smile. Heaven must have missed you so badly they wanted you back, so you return. I'll listen to your songs when I'm back in that small bubble, I'll hear your voice and let it pull me out. Because those of us who have suffered as you have, don't want anyone else to suffer the same fate. I'm devastated you're gone, but knowing you're no longer in pain gives me a sense of relief.

Kim Jonghyun. You've worked hard, and you've lived so incredibly well. Thank you for making me so happy in these past years. I have loved you, I still love you, and I will always and forever, love you. Rest in peace, my dear, and may you feel only happiness and joy from now on.