This message is not only for Jonghyun or me... it is for all of us...
I am not very good at being sad or grieving... especially not in the season when everyone is supposed to be happy and celebrating... This is the time when all Christmas parties happen, when you meet friends you may not have seen all year... when you visit your family and after a year of working or studying, you finally have time for yourself... it's time when you are supposed to rest and heal and gain energy for the next year...

When I heard the news... I didn't want to believe it... and for a long time (maybe even still) it doesn't feel real... I didn't have time to let the news sink, to let myself grief properly because I am "just" a fan and the world doesn't stop for anyone... So I went through my meetings, work, school... I laughed, smiled, joked and chatted as if nothing was wrong... as if nothing happened... but when I reached home my thoughts would go back to Jonghyun and I still couldn't believe he is really gone... how can he be? When I am still able to be happy? And then I realised the saddest part about his passing... Even in his most selfish moment, he had really thought about everyone else. He decided to go when he knew most of us will be surrounded by our loved ones... in the company of those who care... It scares me to know, he has planned this for a long time... smiling at us, joking... when he already made the decision in his mind... Ah.. how hard that must have been... how painful... I cannot even imagine...My heart just keep breaking and I am so grateful for this... because even if nobody reads my message, even if nobody pays attention... writing it all down, finally letting myself to express what I feel... it's something I really need.

Music is and forever shall be my great escape... through music I feel everything... so please allow me to share a few songs that has been healing for me... but I warn you, they are sad and may trigger you differently than me... However, I found solace in them.

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9QSoxoMpfo within temptation - forgiven
2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM6PYawZ8nk within temptation - memories
3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGceZX84LlQ within temptation - our farewell

I hope we all manage to overcome this... that we all learn something from this and that Jonghyun will forever live in our memories and thoughts of him would no longer bring tears to our eyes but smiles at how amazing he IS... I know this will not happen for some time but I pray that time will come... one day... We all have to believe.

Lastly... Dear Jonghyun-ah,
Thank you for everything. We failed you... but you have never failed us. You did well. We will love you forever, you will always live in our memories and when we meet again, I will do everything I should have done already. I will keep you warm. I will be your light. As long as you let me, I will give you strength and all you deserve. Till then... I can only pray...

Rest in peace, our angel.