Kim Jonghyun. I know that I don’t know you deeply as a person, but I won’t refer to you as an idol. You can be a star. Or maybe an angel. Yeah, Angel Jjong sounds fitting. When the first thing I woke up to was the information of your passing I’m sure you can imagine the deep distress I was put in. I hope that’s you know now that we love you for who we saw you as. A sincere, talented, beautiful, caring, woke, dynamic (never static) person. I don’t want my first memory when I think of you to be your death. I want it to be you slipping on water because Minho set you up. I want it to be your beautiful voice in Hallelujah. I want it to be you complaining about how this wasn’t the reality you asked for. It seems foreboding due to what happened but this was before. When SHINee was growing and the disease hadn’t gotten to you. You fought hard. And you fought for so long. All to believe it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry. But you were wrong. You did more than enough. I resonate with you the most out of any artist it seems. You can’t blame me Jjong you’re quite captivating. But it was because over time you weren’t an idol to me anymore. You were an artist who conveyed your feelings through your music. It feels like you didn’t let society dictate what music you released. It feels like that was your outlet. But was it really? The only person who can help me overcome the weight of my shoulders knowing you’re gone is you. But we’ll all meet again someday. I have to watch your funniest and most savage moments to smile, but then I think,”Was he suffering then too?” It’s sad to think that you could help me but I couldn’t help you. It’s been three days but I really don’t know when I’ll get over what’s happened. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared of the silence. It’s like I’m scared of what I might do. But I know it’s because if I’m by myself in the silence, night or day, I’ll keep thinking about you. But that’s neither here nor there. I know you wanted to feel like you did well. I want you to know you did. And the fruits of your efforts here is paradise for eternity up there Jjong. I’ve always been behind you. I’ll always be behind you. Cheering you on even when your gone. I’ll pray that everyday you’re happy. I’ll hope that you can sing and dance and play the kazoo without the stress of being perfect weighing down on you. I know everyone is thinking about the what if’s. But I don’t want to dwell on that. It doesn’t seem healthy. This is a letter so I’m comfortable expressing all my thoughts. I’m not one to do it on social media even though there’s a whole fandom of people who understand what I’m feeling. I was gonna talk about the doctor and Ilbe but for what? On one hand it’ll help to show that mental illness and LGBT rights is not to be taken lightly but slandering them won’t reverse what’s happened to you. I know that at some point in time I’ll be able to wake up one day and not think about what happened to you. Not in the foreseeable future, but someday. But I’ll never forget. I’ve kind of been torturing myself. I googled your name and have kept that tab open. Every twenty minutes I would refresh it to see if anything new had been said or reported. I just got the courage to close it today. I feel like I’m not letting you go. I feel like I’m not giving myself a break. I’ve spent the length of this letter talking about me. I’m sorry for that. But it feels like I’ve kept all this quiet. Now seems like my chance to ‘say’ it. That’s why my thoughts appear to be everywhere. I’ll pray for your family and friends. I’ve prayed for you. I’ll pray for you even now. That you’re happy up there. That all your troubles are gone. That you can look down on us with a sad smile now because the wound is too fresh, but one day smile because we honor you. Because we’ve moved forward and are taking your memory with us. Whenever I say move on, I feel a little guilty. Like I’m leaving you behind. But I’m not going to do that. I’m gonna pick up all the happy memories that you gave me and I’ll take them all with me into tomorrow. Then the next day. Then the next. That’s how I’ll get past this. And that’s how I’ll bring you with me. I’m happy that your happy. I’m happy that you don’t have to wear that mask. I’m happy that you don’t have to resonate with dark feelings anymore. That’s what I’ll remember when I feel selfish and wish for you to be back here. But why would I want that when I love who I know you for and know that you were suffering? I’d rather you gone and free than here and chained to that belief. That belief that no one wanted to know the real you. I have so much to say. But it feels appropriate to end here. Even in the end you sought approval from others Kim Jonghyun. I want you to know now that you never needed it. We’ll keep you with us. We’ll comfort each other. We’ll pick up where you left off. You wanted to be told you did well. Kim Jonghyun, you were exceptional.