I just don't know how to let this grief settle. I am actually more of an ELF and was never really a shawol. I've never even met Jonghyun once not have I really noted his works but somehow I just held him really close to heart from when I first knew of that there was a new group, shinee, back then. I just wish this was all a joke because I love the exuberance he shows us. He makes me happy just by watching him. Maybe it is his charisma that helps me hang on when I feel like I cannot handle anymore. He says he's not suited for the industry. I say the industry wasn't prepared for diligent angels. Yet, reading about his struggle with his depression, looking back on how his dazzling eyes started dimming and just how many clues he has been dropping to everyone that he needed someone to reach out to him, I feel bad for wanting him to still be alive. Because it was also our fault, our negligence that brought this onto him, who is a star but yet just another human - someone's neighbour, someone's friend, someone's brother, someone's son. And with all this conflicting thoughts, I just can't put this whole sudden passing down from my heart. I thought crying it all out would help, but it made me realise what a person I was for only treasuring him when he is gone; at a point when no matter what I say or want to say to him wouldn't matter any longer because the truth is he won't hear or see it in person anymore. To me, he died carrying the pain this world gave him, not knowing how much we loved or would have loved or could have loved him if everyone overcame this together, which is why it hurts. But I know that at least he has come to rest and I'm glad for him it is now finally peaceful. That he had his own way. For that, I'm thankful and I hope that if there was another life, he would love a happy normal one out of the spotlight like he wanted with simple things that bring him happiness too. You worked hard in this one. Thank you for giving it your all. You did well jonghyun oppa. I will not forget you.