I Wish This Didn’t Happen

A Farewell

Jonghyun,

you were one of the first Koreans i learned. I watched you in Hello, my third K-pop video, and I learned all of SHINee. I remember paying attention to you and Onew the most. SHINee was the first Kpop group that I learned everyone, and was my favorite group for years. Regardless of whatever happened in my life, I never stopped listening to you. I listened to your song for City Hunter, and constantly reminding myself of how amazing your voice was, and how amazing you as a person. I loved you- I watched hello baby, I kept up to date with your news. I never stopped listening to SHINee. I learned SHINee in 2011, and kept up for 6 and a half years, and in april, it would have been 7. While moving back home to Michigan, I taught my mom SHINee, by voices, and she loved yours most. You were her favorite. Regardless of who my 'favorite' was, I loved you as much as i loved everyone else. I wish I was able to see you- I wish I still have a chance to see you. I wish this didn't happen, I wish you didn't do this to yourself, but ultimately I wish you weren't in the pain you were in, to want to end your life. You are at peace now, and I'm happy for that- I really am. I woke up on Monday because my mom called me, then I checked my facebook, just to see one of my friends sharing a link to your death, and I felt like my world crashed. I really thought my heart stopped, and I thought someone was playing a joke, a cruel, horrible joke. I would have preferred if that was the case, compared to what reality is. I was in disbelief, but i knew it was true, and I went to my mom's room, and broke down while I told her what happened. I cried almost all day on Monday, I would try to forget about it, but i couldn't stop thinking about you, and would cry again. I couldn't listen to a SHINee song, in fact one of my friends had replay playing in her car, and broke down crying and called me. I couldn't watch anything Korean, because I didn't want to be reminded of you. In the group I am in, someone posted that we should talk to each other if we were depressed, so we could help one another. I confessed then, why your death hit me so hard. I had actually thought about dying on Sunday, the day before you died. I woke around 6 in the morning, and got into a horrible fight with my mom, and while I laid beside her bed, I lost all will to live. So, I started thinking of how I would kill myself- I wanted a gun, so it would be fast, but I didn't want my parents to have to deal blood. It was during these thoughts, that my mom heard me crying behind her, and brought it up.

Just by her acknowledging me, made me feel a little better, and I knew i didn't want to die- not then atleast. I don't want to cause my family pain, that's the only reason I'm still here to this day. But the fact that you, someone I never met, but have known for over six years, committed suicide the day after I was going to, really affected me. I literally felt like my heart was breaking. Then, Tuesday came, and I was focused on making my friends feel better, and I only cried when I saw people start coming to your memorial, and I watched Fire and 1000 years, and went to bed crying. Last night I had a dream, that you came to me in spirit. It was white around us, and you were in a white sweater, and smiling at me. You kept your distance from me, and all I wanted to know what why you did what you did, despite knowing the answer. You were in pain, and I knew this from your letter, but I wanted to know more about it.

You have people who love you, and selfishly I wanted you to keep suffering longer so I could have you alive, than dead and at peace. When I asked why you did it, you wouldn't respond to me- You only smiled and shrugged your shoulder. I started to cry, and you confirmed my thoughts. "I'm okay now," you said, and told me you weren't in pain anymore. You continued to tell me that you wanted your fans to live our lives, and to remember you as happy, instead of the 27 Korean Idol who killed himself. You then came toward me and hugged me, and said it was time for you to go, and I shook my head and kept crying- until you told me I didn't have to cry anymore, and that you were fine. You also said something like, "Remember me, please. I know now, that I did well, and worked hard." and those were your last words to me before you disappeared. I woke up, and I was strangely calm, and ever since my dream, I felt like you weren't hurting, and that you really are okay. I believe you are happy now, and you aren't in pain. I'm happy about that- you deserve that, and more. I didn't cry today, until tonight as I write you this letter, and watched your brothers carry your casket. It hit me, that SHINee as five, won't happen again.

However, you will never really leave them- I believe you will always be by them and your fans, forever and always.

I love you Jonghyun, and I will always remember you. I am happy you are in a better place.

"When you're tired and having a hard time, please let me stay by your side so I can give you back the love I received before this life ends." ~ Onew (life)

"I can handle this much pain and suffering, if only you are in my life." ~ Jonghyun and Taemin (life)

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AIMRWV
Trying to advertise this for the 18th but someone else is bidding really hard so I am running out of karma (already bought more for over 30dollars) so if you have some spare you are willing to donate, I would be really thankful.

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Redofthedawn
#1
I'm aware that it isn't December but I just thought of this post. December will never be easy for a lot of us. I'm more aware of my depression around that time. I just became an adult and the realization that a lot can change has finally hit me. I'm not sure how to feel. People within my family have died or are dying and it seems like the only thing I'm allowed to do is move on. I'm no longer given the luxury of grieving the way I had with Jonghyun. There are so many fond memories that I can go back to with Jjong but for them I only have memories. So much has happened these past few years and while I'm not completely okay I can say there's plenty of room where I've healed.

As year 6 approaches I want my fellow Shawols to know that healing is hardly a linear task. It's okay to not be ready but where you are there's always going to be SHINee.

And Dear Author thank you for keeping this space for all of us.
luv_kero
2415 streak #2
Thank you for keeping this space for us for so many years <3 This milestone hit me a lot harder than expected, but seeing this brought so much comfort. Miss you to the moon and back, Jonghyun <3
Viola_Ella #3
Chapter 818: When I saw in newfeed I just realised today is the day. He is a sweet,kind and precious soul. I miss him.
Evelyn_64
#4
It’s been five years today and just a few days ago I turned 27, the age Jonghyun-ah was when we had to say goodbye to him. I have long since had to “become an adult” and learn what growing up means; yet every year I come back to this little space, and read some of the messages that people wrote for him, and think back to the letter I wrote at 22 and never shared with anyone. I think back to a memory of me looking at the full moon and talking to him for hours, telling him I missed him terribly. We still miss you, friend. I still remember you fondly. I still remember me at 17 dancing to Replay in my room. I’ll always cherish those memories of our Spring.



Author, I hope you have been doing well. Thank you so much for keeping this space running for so long, it brings comfort to some more than you’ll ever know.
OdetteSwan
909 streak #5
I'm so glad you won the bid. I will start collecting karma points again.
Good work.
OdetteSwan
909 streak #6
Chapter 818: I just really paid attention to SHINee this August. Yet, when Jonghyun passed away four years ago, I felt sad that another beautiful and caring person chose to leave this place. In fact, I didn't want to listen to any SHINee songs then.
Now, watching SHINee's MVs, I feel like I have accepted what happened and hope that he is really happy now.
Redofthedawn
#7
Time keeps moving on and I wonder why I can't just go back and fix things to when it was so peaceful. So much has happened in the last four years and it feels as though there's only SHINee left to comfort me. Jonghyun for so long I've written my letters to you and I couldn't this year because I couldn't find the strength or will to when I was feeling down. I haven't cried this much since I was a baby. I promised last year that I would tread the new year with caution and that didn't work out so great. There's more I wanna say but I just wish you knew how much I love you. Thank you for being born and sharing your light with the world. Sincerely I love you. 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ❤️
lovelyfeisty
#8
It’s been 4 years now and so it’s hard to believe that you left us, but I still do remember you as SHINee’s Blingbling Angel and as the brightest star that shines in the sky.

I used to feel so lonely after knowing that you left us, that I was listening to Lonely everyday for about a year, but now I just remind myself that you’re still with us, as the bright shining star watching over us from the night sky. ❤️
I will always love you.
wonpokemon
#9
i was InMemoryOfJonghyun!
just thought i'll let you know so you don't add this username again~ =]
anyways, good luck with the add and for all those who come here and are thinking of Jjong and of others and themselves.
aseulmonsta
#10
❤️