Kim Jonghyun,

I am sad.

Sad that you had to take your own life to show the world how you were truly feeling
(were we so ignorant?)

Sad that you felt so frustrated and overwhelmed that you turned your back on life and death was what you chose
(I cannot begin to imagine your pain but I wish you could have given us at least half of it to share)

I am angry

Angry that even though I couldn't have possibly known what you were going to do, could there have been some way to stop you?
(it's unreasonable to think the way that I do but death has a twisted and cruel hand in dispensing blame; freely given and willingly taken)

Angry at myself for not understanding that the man I saw on my screen 2 days ago, in all his smiling radiance, is the same man that I see people crying over 2 days later.
(where did your smile go?)

I wonder how many times you ate that day
How many times you smiled
What were you thinking when you were walking down the street?
How many times did you pick up your phone to talk to someone you loved? Did you talk to your sister? Were you smiling that brilliant smile at the sound of her voice?
And how many times did you hesitate... if you hesitated at all?

I wonder if, in your final minutes, you were scared and lonely or relieved and free

I will not pretend to know the answer to these questions and I will definitely not answer for you

But know this Jonghyun, I am a firm believer that your life flashes before your eyes when you die

So I hope you revisit the taste of your first ice cream

What it felt like to have a crush

Your first time falling in love

Your sunny day tree climbing; your rainy day paper boats

Your struggles; how you overcame them to turn out to be someone you were proud of

I hope you saw a billion adoring faces illuminated by flashing lights on the stage that you danced on

I hope you saw the brightly lit stadium crowds with the sea of neon glow-sticks; waving back and fro in unison to the sound of your voice

I hope you heard us chanting your name over and over and over again; a thundering symphony of all people who were ready to cry, laugh and sing with you at the drop of a hat

I hope you saw all the missed glances of quiet pride and heartwarming love that Minho, Key, Taemin and Onew gave you when you were too busy hitting those high notes.

I hope you felt the pure unconditional love that your family reserved just for you

I hope you tasted, felt, saw, heard and touched all of this and more

Because it's the complete truth when I tell you

Kim Jonghyun you were, are and will continue to be

Utterly. Irrevocably. Selflessly

Loved.