A Part Of Me Is Gone

I thought im okay now but I guess I am not. I keep looking at the sky, thinking of your beautiful face and heart. Am I lucky to have seen you live? Your voice still haunts my mind. Am I lucky to let you influence me for almost 4 years? It feels like a part of me is gone. Am I lucky to appreciate you even before your passing? You never realized how talented you are though. Am I lucky to have you as part of my youth? Because of that, I am grieving now. You helped me use my wings yet you cannot fly on your own. You helped me be strong-willed and to stand up for what I believe on yet you never believed in yourself. You made me love you yet you never appreciated yourself. I hate it. I hate that you couldn't save yourself. I hate that you did not endure it. I hate that you did not think of the people you will leave when you are gone. I hate that.... that I was just a fan. I hate that I could not do anything. I hate that I could just mourn here pathetically and not go to your funeral. I hate that I wasn't there when you were suffering alone. I could have told you how special you are. I could have told you that you do not need to reach any standards because you yourself is enough. I could have said, "you did well, Jonghyun-ah" while massaging your aching back from the long day of work. I could have listened to your problems, hugged you to my chest and made you feel you're not alone. But what? What now? I haven't seen you up close. I haven't told you how much you meant to me. I haven't hold your hand during fansigns while staring at your pretty eyes. I haven't fooled you to sign a marriage contract. I haven't learned Korean to say a marriage proposal in broken Korean. Why, Jonghyunnie? Why? You made me write stories again. You made me dream for a bright future. You made me realize what perseverance and success really were. You taught me a lot of things no one near me did yet....... you left. SNSD can be 9, EXO can be 12, TVXQ can be 5, Suju can be 13, but SHINee? You're never coming back........

It's funny how you're sleeping yet you're still raising awareness: depression awareness. You're amazing. You're phenomenal. No one can ever be like you.

You'll stay in my heart, Jonghyun-ah. I do not regret stanning you. Thank you for coming to my life. You did well.

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Redofthedawn #1 Aug 7, 2023 07:53:21

I'm aware that it isn't December but I just thought of this post. December will never be easy for a lot of us. I'm more aware of my depression around that time. I just became an adult and the realization that a lot can change has finally hit me. I'm not sure how to feel. People within my family have died or are dying and it seems like the only thing I'm allowed to do is move on. I'm no longer given the luxury of grieving the way I had with Jonghyun. There are so many fond memories that I can go back to with Jjong but for them I only have memories. So much has happened these past few years and while I'm not completely okay I can say there's plenty of room where I've healed.

As year 6 approaches I want my fellow Shawols to know that healing is hardly a linear task. It's okay to not be ready but where you are there's always going to be SHINee.

And Dear Author thank you for keeping this space for all of us.

luv_kero ^{2441 streak} #2 Dec 18, 2022 09:15:11

Thank you for keeping this space for us for so many years <3 This milestone hit me a lot harder than expected, but seeing this brought so much comfort. Miss you to the moon and back, Jonghyun <3

Viola_Ella #3 Dec 18, 2022 03:56:50

Chapter 818: When I saw in newfeed I just realised today is the day. He is a sweet,kind and precious soul. I miss him.

Evelyn_64 #4 Dec 18, 2022 00:55:41

It’s been five years today and just a few days ago I turned 27, the age Jonghyun-ah was when we had to say goodbye to him. I have long since had to “become an adult” and learn what growing up means; yet every year I come back to this little space, and read some of the messages that people wrote for him, and think back to the letter I wrote at 22 and never shared with anyone. I think back to a memory of me looking at the full moon and talking to him for hours, telling him I missed him terribly. We still miss you, friend. I still remember you fondly. I still remember me at 17 dancing to Replay in my room. I’ll always cherish those memories of our Spring.

Author, I hope you have been doing well. Thank you so much for keeping this space running for so long, it brings comfort to some more than you’ll ever know.

OdetteSwan ^{928 streak} #5 Dec 18, 2022 00:11:36

I'm so glad you won the bid. I will start collecting karma points again.
Good work.

OdetteSwan ^{928 streak} #6 Dec 18, 2021 15:31:45

Chapter 818: I just really paid attention to SHINee this August. Yet, when Jonghyun passed away four years ago, I felt sad that another beautiful and caring person chose to leave this place. In fact, I didn't want to listen to any SHINee songs then.
Now, watching SHINee's MVs, I feel like I have accepted what happened and hope that he is really happy now.

Redofthedawn #7 Dec 18, 2021 15:23:33

Time keeps moving on and I wonder why I can't just go back and fix things to when it was so peaceful. So much has happened in the last four years and it feels as though there's only SHINee left to comfort me. Jonghyun for so long I've written my letters to you and I couldn't this year because I couldn't find the strength or will to when I was feeling down. I haven't cried this much since I was a baby. I promised last year that I would tread the new year with caution and that didn't work out so great. There's more I wanna say but I just wish you knew how much I love you. Thank you for being born and sharing your light with the world. Sincerely I love you. 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ❤️

lovelyfeisty #8 Dec 18, 2021 05:29:15

It’s been 4 years now and so it’s hard to believe that you left us, but I still do remember you as SHINee’s Blingbling Angel and as the brightest star that shines in the sky.

I used to feel so lonely after knowing that you left us, that I was listening to Lonely everyday for about a year, but now I just remind myself that you’re still with us, as the bright shining star watching over us from the night sky. ❤️
I will always love you.

wonpokemon #9 Dec 17, 2021 22:21:02

i was InMemoryOfJonghyun!
just thought i'll let you know so you don't add this username again~ =]
anyways, good luck with the add and for all those who come here and are thinking of Jjong and of others and themselves.

aseulmonsta #10 Jul 21, 2021 15:41:11

❤️