Chapter 1

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It's not that big of a deal, people change and grow, experience new things and what not, it's not rocket science.

 

Jiho is no exception, he is an oddball always has been...but to be honest Kyung knows out of the two of them he is the oddball, but he isn't going to dwell on that or ever admit it.

 

What he is going to dwell on is the space that keeps growing and growing and there doesn't seem to be an end to it.

 

He excused it before, I mean it was easy, Jiho is working, Jiho has found a new genre to explore, the new kid practically living in that studio with Jiho is just another fad...a fad that kept on going and going and now they are a ‘crew’.

 

He stares down at his phone, really he is staring but not seeing, he has gone numb he thinks.

 

That or he is just feeling so much his body doesn't know how to process it. It can be both of those things. He is smart enough to know that.

 

He sees movement out of the corner of his eyes and there is Jaehyo shuffling about he raises an eyebrow at Kyung and he just purses his lips at their visual.

 

He looks ok, better than a few days ago, more together, lately, he has been a bundle of nerves. The reasons are plain as day, and somehow Jiho hadn’t seen it.

He missed the signs.

 

There was a time where Jaehyo and Jiho had been close, close enough for Jiho to stand up to a manager and have Jaehyo's back and now, now Kyung does not know.

 

“Ok, well whatever is eating at you, I am about to head off to the coffee place around the corner, want anything?” Jaehyo says and Kyung blinks at him.

 

“How are you exactly?” He says instead of answering Jaehyo on the coffee, Jaehyo just blinks at him taken back.

 

“I’m ok, craving coffee,” he says and Kyung scans him up and down and turns back to his phone.

 

“Small coffee,” he says instead, the picture of the three people smiling and being goofy staring back at him.

 

He closes the app and throws his phone to the side. He has things he should be doing.

 

Sometime later Jaehyo returns with coffee says something about fish and Taeil says something about going out to eat, he nods at them and focuses back on his work.

 

It’s past midnight, the coffee cup long since fallen to the waste side, that one annoying lyric that had been just out of his reach all day is finally into place and his back is sore but it's all worth it.

 

He feels accomplished.

 

Picking up the snack bags and crumbs from around him, he is cleaning up and his phone screen lights up.

 

He looks down and it's a text the sender is Jiho.

 

Something about it just lights his body on a cold fire. He feels defensive and he hasn't even read what it says yet.

 

He blinks and ignores the phone to go to the trash instead.

 

The kitchen looks clean enough but there are some plates and cups lying about and he proceeds to clean that up, and then he cleans the counters and he is getting a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and it looks like it's seen better days and really he isn't doing anything else, so he starts pulling out the innards and wiping down the shelves, throwing out the old stuff from the back that expired god knows when it's a chore but it has to be done.

 

He is just finishing up when he looks up and he sees Taeil looking at him.

 

“You do know its past 2 right?” he is asking him and Kyung just gives him a withering glare.

 

“I wasn't feeling sleepy,” he says and moves away from the appliance just as Taeil takes his place pulling out a water bottle.

 

“So, what? 2 am spring cleaning.” Taeil says and he is watching the smaller man because Taeil is smaller and it should be noted.

 

“No,” he says instead, it's pointless to try to skirt the issue, and really he isn't one for skirting around.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Taeil is asking as he follows him to the living room taking a seat opposite him. He looks ridiculous, hair messy and in his boxers with a giant muscle shirt that covers them and it just looks like he is in a nighty and Kyung wants to laugh.

 

“Honestly Taeilie hyung, I feel um… augh” he settles for a sound, his emotions just are too much and also not enough. It’s jumbled.

 

“Eloquent from the one who brags about being in MENSA,” Jaehyo says somewhere to his left.

 

“Shut up.” He hears himself say.

 

“Just saying, it's 2 a.m. I expected better,” Jaehyo is teasing him and as soon as he sits down, Kyung hits him with the sofa pillow.

 

“You deserved that.” He says and Jaehyo just takes the pillow and hugs it to his body, and smiles at him.

 

“Anyway, Kyung just finished spring cleaning the kitchen, I’m thinking something is wrong he says he couldn't sleep,” Taeil says catching Jaehyo up.

 

“Why are you even up?” Kyung says toward Jaehyo, he shrugs his shoulders in response and smooths down the pillow in his lap.

 

“Right, well I am ok, my brain is just going into overdrive and the little cleaning spree helped ease it a bit,” he says finally as an explanation and looks at the two.

 

“I can’t sleep, I keep thinking about Weekly Idol and how I forgot the lyrics,” Jaehyo says and Kyung just clenches his fist automatically. “It’s not that big a deal, I mean it can happen, but it's still there in the back of my mind.” Jae continues and Kyungs eyes automatically go to his phone, he is burning white again.

 

“Dude, we didn't even get to practice that long on it, so yeah it can happen,” He hears himself say, and he is patting Jae’s knee.

“I mean really, it's ridiculous to expect more.” He is saying and he knows exactly what he is not outright saying but it's there and the other two don't really need him to explain for them to get it. He is practically calling out Jiho.

 

“So then, Taeil hyung?” Jaehyo says, and the two turn to the eldest, who raised the bottle of water up.

 

“Thirsty, then I saw Cinderella over here cleaning. Figured something was up.” and they all snicker at the Cinderella reference and then lapse into a comfortable quiet.

 

“You know, it's ok for you to feel angry,” Jaehyo says after a beat, and Kyung is looking at the ceiling and nowhere else but he just knows that Jae directed that at him. Taeil just hums in agreement.

 

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

 

“I know that it's just I’m not just angry.” He hears himself say, and there is a shuffling and suddenly there is a pillow on his lap and Jae has his head down on it and he starts to run his fingers through Jae’s hair.

 

“I mean I get it, you know, in the big picture I get it. Like we are characters, we play them and basically, the world is our stage, and I know...but somehow Zico” He says the name out loud and he feels like it burns his throat as it comes up. He thinks quickly, it’s what he is good at, but currently, his brain feels like molasses, going as slow as humanly possible. The two don't seem to mind, as they say, nothing, waiting for him to get his thoughts together.

 

“I honestly don't know what I am trying to say, am I a bit jealous of his fame yeah, but that is to be expected, I wouldn't be human if I wasn't, but it's not that, I get it, he works a lot for it, not to say we don't, but I get it, it's just I feel like we are on two different boats, before we would be paddling toward a goal, different but in the same direction somehow though, it feels like he took a sharp left, and I’m treading water in a circle looking for him.” He finishes lamely.

 

Taeil says nothing turning his bottle of water around in his hands and Jae is picking at Kyungs torn jeans, playing with a string like a cat.

 

“The picture was mean.” he hears Jae say slowly and Taeil hums in agreement.

 

“Wha?” He says instead, pretending to not understand, Jae pinches his thigh.

 

“Don’t be obtuse on purpose, the Instagram post. It was mean.” He says firmly this time.

 

Kyung does not reply, instead, he keeps playing with Jae’s hair.

 

“The dumb idiot didn't do it on purpose, but still.” He hears Taeil put his two cents in and he can't really stay out of this conversation for long.

 

“He is dumb isn't he?” Well in for a penny in for a pound. “It was mean, and the worst part about it is that he doesn’t get it. Like he is that dense sometimes. It's baffling.” he is speaking and Jae is nodding along.

 

“If it helps Dongwook called his out on insta,” Taeil says and Kyung looks up sharply surprised while Jae just giggles.

 

“What? You serious?”

 

“Yeah, it was great, something along the lines of ‘how many crews you got?’ I would have liked to have seen his face when he saw it.” Taeil says and takes a swig of water.

 

Kyung can't help it he giggles and then he outright laughs, because while everyone can image what Jiho's face would have looked like, he knows exactly what it would have looked like. He can see it down to the last wrinkle on his forehead.

 

“Oh man, I haven't laughed this hard in awhile,” he says finally catching his breath and Jae squeezes his knee in comfort.

 

“I’m surprised you didn't see it,” Taeil says and that sobers him up real quickly.

 

“He was mad, he hasn't looked at his phone since that picture was posted.” Jae beats him to the answer, Taeil is looking at Jae in surprise.

 

“I was here, right before I went to get coffee, he was looking at his phone and had ‘the face’ on,” he says and emphasizes ‘the face’ and Kyung loses some of the tension.

 

“‘The face’ the hell is ‘the face’” and he actually does quotation marks, Jae snorts and Taeil laughs, he purses his lips at them.

 

“If you mean my glorious face then yes, the face was there.” he defends himself and Jae just curls up more and laughs louder with those small squeaky noises he makes.

 

“No, its what we refer to your ‘neutral’ face,” Taeil says and does the quotes around the word neutral. “You know the one face that says ‘Pissed beyond belief’ but you think it's just neutral. I mean your whole body demeanor changes and your face basically is like the cherry on top...but yes your ‘glorious face’ is one way to put it.” the eldest finishes up and Kyung yanks the pillow from under Jaehyos head and throws it toward Taeil, who just dodges.

 

“He has been so busy lately, and I mean we just had a comeback, right? We’ve seen each other way more than we normally get to, but like I just got used to him being close and around and then he is gone again…it just feels empty.” He says, Taeil just puts the pillow behind his back and nods at him.

 

“It’s ok, it happens, when you love someone, the small space is like a cavern, right Taeil hyung?” Jae says in his soft airy voice, and somehow that seems to out all the air from the room. Kyung tenses again, and stops running his fingers thru Jaehyos hair and Taeil is holding his bottle a little too tightly.

 

After what feels like way more than enough time of silence has passed, Taeil opens the water bottle and drinks out of it, trying as much as he can to pretend that Jae didn’t really say what he said.

 

“Look you two are dense and odd and I swear this whole group is just ‘special’ in a way that can't even be described but I am pretty sure it leans toward the bad portion of special, that being said, nothing is wrong with loving someone. Love is love. I thought we made music and sang about it long enough that you two wouldn't need me to tell you this.” Jae says seriously, and his eyebrows are set and he is on his back looking at the ceiling, giving the other two a brief reprieve from his stare.

 

Taeil uncrosses his legs and lets them fall on the floor, leans forward and is biting his lip, staring at Kyung, who is staring straight back and Jae is not saying anything.

 

“Jae,” He starts and Jaehyo turns sharply, and one look at Taeils set face has him rising up and sitting back straight and staring, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“No.” He says firmly cutting off Taeil before he can even open his mouth. “Look I don’t meddle a lot and I leave you two to your own devices but this time I’m sorry but you both are wrong.”Jaehyo is serious, and Kyung hasn’t seen this side of him in while.

 

This Jaehyo has taken a backseat to the quiet withdrawn fishing Jae created by the backlash of stardom that comes with being idols. He misses this Jaehyo he really does, however, if he had to choose the current moment and this specific topic is not where he wants this Jaehyo to be present in.

 

“Jae-” he begins but Jae is raising his hand up and shakes his head.

 

“No, I have things on this topic I want to discuss and I’ve given you both...well four of you your room to play out your scenes and now you don’t get to sit there and tell me I’m wrong.” He is saying and it’s short and curt and even Taeil seems to be shrinking a bit.

 

“I get it, believe me, it can't be easy, especially because for some odd reason bad luck seems to be laser-focused on us but honestly, it can be easy. You are making it more complicated than it needs to be.” Kyung shrinks back and leans against the sofa, deflated. Jae is about to lecture and usually when he starts, short of an apocalypse, nothing's gonna stop him. So he will listen.

 

“I honestly am not sure where to start, Jihoon is having a crisis, don’t think I didn’t notice it,” and he is pointedly looking toward Taeil who is avoiding Jae’s eyes, and looking at Kyung instead.

 

Kyung gets it, Jaehyo can be intense, very intense. And when you know you are wrong, and if you know you did something wrong, having Jaehyo stare at you with the puppy eyes is seriously damaging to anyone's soul.

 

 “Taeilie hyung, Jihoon is practically falling apart, last time we were together he actually stayed the night here. He was so out of it and lost in his mind that it was scary.” Jaehyo says, Taeil leans back and says nothing again. “The worst part is that we all know why he is so gone. He is as good at hiding his thoughts as this golden globe winner here” he says smacking Kyung.

 

Kyung wants to complain but really what's the point apparently he is crap at acting, who knew?

 

“That being said, why aren't you doing anything about it?” Jae says directly at Taeil who looks up and meets his eyes.

 

“Look, this is a hard time for anyone, Jihoon isn’t exactly equipped to handle too much and I don't feel right leading him into this. If I say anything about it he will jump no questions asked, and I can't have that. He has to be sure.” Taeil says and even though Jaehyo had wanted to say something back he closed his mouth instead and Kyung thinks maybe just maybe this conversation is over.

 

“So I know why I and Jihoon are the way we are, I’m not sure why you are having such a hard time?” Taeil decides to add and Kyung knows that it's directed at him and he wishes that Jaehyo was part of this crazy conversation so that he can pretend it was directed at Jae instead.

 

“I have no idea what you mean by that.” He decides instead, just because he is usually straightforward, no one is gonna shame him from shying away from this and playing dumb.

Only they can, and Jaehyo pinches his thigh hard and he smacks his hand away instead.

 

“Look, I'm comfortable with just about everything and I'll talk with you two about anything including my bowel movements at this point, but this one topic is not up for discussion.” He says finally, because it really isn't, this whole mess is something he has been building and shoving in the dark corners of his mind to deal with another day and it's just growing and growing and now its too much and he is too scared to even look at it, let alone discuss it in the open.

 

The two don't say anything else for awhile, and they all sit in this quiet that is not super comfortable but bearable and its ok.

 

“As long as you are ok right now though, that's fine,” Jaehyo says finally and Kyung just nods, Taeil huffs and gets up, mumbles good night and is shuffling toward his bedroom.

 

Kyung is glad, one less pair of eyes, and even though this whole thing was just a mess he does feel lighter, the little hand gripping at his heart from earlier seems to have loosened and his own eyes begin to burn. It's like his body just remembered what time it was. 4 am to be exact.

He feels annoyed at himself, it's an early day tomorrow.

 

Gathering as much of his strength up he gets up and sees that Jaehyo is already off to dreamland, the lucky . The One Piece blanket Yukwon forgot here when he moved, and keeps forgetting to get, is close by so he drags it over Jae and shuffles to his bedroom picking up his phone from the little side table.

 

Everything in him is exhausted, he feels it and yet he just can’t help it, he swipes his phone open and amongst the many other notifications, and text messages is Jiho's name.

 

Bold. Unread.

 

He clicks it open. It's a picture. A picture of Jiho and the words ‘What you think?’

 

He is pretty sure, even though his eyes are ing burning like they are being by the sun itself, that what he is staring at is 100% real.

 

‘you look like a highlighter’

 

He texts back before he even has processed everything in the picture. Namely, the slightly sideways smile on Jiho's face, the slightly wider than usual eyes like he is trying to make them seem bigger. His eyebrows a bit downcast. Everything screams he is so out of his depth and completely insecure, in a way only Kyung can read.

 

‘..but you pull it off. you look good.’

 

Somehow just knowing he sent that freaks him out and he closes the apps down on his phone and puts it face down on the side table.

 

There is a small vibration telling him he got a response, of course, he did, its 4 a.m. why wouldn't Jiho be up. He ignores it, too hyper-aware of himself, and turns curling up under his duvet shutting his eyes out and any remaining thoughts.

 

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