Heechul had hoped it wouldn’t be true, watched videos, seen photos, it was all skinship, skinship in aid of fan service, in aid of popularity. Heechul had tried not to lose sleep over it, but images crawled into his head, images of strong arms wrapping around the waist of Hankyung, his Hankyung, not being moved, looking so normal, so right.

But that was wrong, he wasn’t his Hankyung and he never had been. He should have been, but Heechul was a coward, so scared of his own feelings he had denied them and ultimately lost the first person he had let into his heart. Lost him before he had him.

They were coming back from China and he hoped he was wrong, hoped it WAS just skinship, nothing more. It couldn’t be more, could it? How could it be more, how absurd, surely it was against Siwon’s religion? This time Heechul would tell him, he would corner the Chinese man and confuse him and tell him, and they would kiss and it would be beautiful and it would be perfect, Heechul would be the princess at the end of a fairytale.

He turned to the others in the minibus smiling, knowing things would be ok, that it would turn out fine. Only to be met with people looking away, Jungsoo not meeting his eyes, Youngwoon suddenly engrossed in something on his phone. They couldn’t know anything.

By the time the plane landed Heechul was practically bouncing in his seat, nervousness and excitement at finally coming clean, finally realising what he wanted. Finally getting his happy ending. He remembered back to that time, the two of them had been sat watching some terrible movie, and Heechul being Heechul had deemed Hankyung his personal pillow, cuddling into his side getting comfortable, and he could hear Hankyung’s heart thudding, faster and harder than normal, pulling the older man closer to him. Heechul had ignored it, thinking it was just one of those things… but now he knew better, knew the same feeling every time he thought about Hankyung stepping off that plane, back to him, back home.

“They’ve landed,” Jungsoo’s voice broke him from his thoughts, snapping the phone he had been talking into shut and pulling his hood over his head to go out of the minibus and keep look out for the returning members. Heechul moved to go and watch with him but was pulled back into his seat by a nervous looking Youngwoon. Without a word, he went back to his terribly fascinating phone.

Heechul sulked, he didn’t like not knowing things, he took his own phone out, smiling as his wallpaper - a cute picture he had once made Hankyung take with him. He looked out of the window in the direction of a franticly waving Jungsoo, happy to have his ‘babies’ home, (and both his personal ramen makers). Looking in the direction of the wave he spotted Donghae and Henry racing their trolleys along, suitcases wobbling angrily and threatening to fall. Ryeowook and Kyuhyun followed slightly behind, slowly and groggily as though having just woken up.

And then he spotted him, looking more handsome than Heechul remembered, wearing terrible sunglasses and talking to Siwon… oh, Heechul felt his stomach sink as he watched them, using one trolley, walking side by side, deep in conversation. Heechul’s stomach hit somewhere close to his knees as he watched Siwon bend down to whisper something into Hankyung’s ear, thinking he might just die as he watched them both laugh together, at this private joke.

Heechul stopped himself, he was overreacting, it was just a joke, people are allowed to joke and it be nothing more. He did it all the time - Yesung tried to do it all the time - no big deal. Soon enough everyone was in the minibus, suitcases safely in the back and Kyuhyun already playing a computer game. A ball of hyperactivity, otherwise known as Donghae attached itself to Heechul the second the doors were closed, telling him all about China, and how good he was at talking Chinese now and how much he had missed his favourite hyung, but Heechul wasn’t listening. He was staring at the back of a sleeping Hankyungs head, willing him to wake up, turn round and pay Heechul some attention as well.

Heechul came to the important decision that he was a coward, it had been a whole week since they had returned from the airport and short of 'hello's, a brief 'how are you?' and a 'thank you' after the passing of a glass, Heechul hadn’t even spoken to Hankyung. He walked through to the living room to see Donghae taking up the entirety of the floor spread out with pens and paper everywhere, drawing god knows what to pass the time, Ryeowook, Shindong and Sungmin left with only a corner to play cards. Kibum asleep on one sofa, and Siwon and Hankyung sat on the other. Hankyung's legs were over Siwons, the elder fast asleep with his mouth hanging open. Heechul chose to sit with Donghae and bother him rather than move a comfy Hankyung. He could speak to him later.

Heechul waited until he knew everyone was asleep and knocked on Hankyung's door, being greeted a short time later by a hardly-conscious Hankyung in nothing put pyjama pants, Heechul gulped and felt himself lose his train of thought - just what he needed. He watched the man in front of him rub his eyes and try and take in who was disturbing him, the light of the hall obviously blinding him after the darkness of his room. His eyes finally found Heechul's, and Heechul noticed them widen and the raise of his eyebrows before he stepped out of his room, pulling the door shut behind him.

“Uh Heechul… it's three in the morning. What do you want?” Heechul looked down at his watch - so it was later than he thought, but he wasn’t backing out now. He bit his lip and was suddenly painfully aware of a stain on the carpet by his foot.

“There’s… something I need to talk to you about. Something I should have told you a long time ago, actually... see the thing is… I mean, it took me forever to realise, kinda stupid really 'cause I always know what’s going on, but I s'pose that’s not the point. The thing is… I don’t know how to say this really, I guess I’m kinda new to this…” Heechul stopped to take in a breath, suddenly realising just how much he had been rambling. “See, the thing is Hankyung, I think I’m in l - ”

Heechul stopped talking, Hankyung twisted round to follow Heechul’s stare, turning round a minute later to look at his feet. Siwon looked from the doorway of Hankyung's room straight into Heechul's eyes, and Heechul felt his heart sink. He had never understood before what that meant, thinking it some stupid fantasy phrase of lovesick writers. Hankyung muttered something to Siwon that Heechul didn’t catch because all he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears, the realisation and embarrassment running through his body. But Siwon was squeezing Hankyungs arm and going back into the room, giving Heechul a sort of pitying look on his leave.

Heechul looked back at Hankyung, muttering in a voice that didn’t match him.

“I guess I should just go…"

He turned to walk away. He felt Hankyung nervously grab his arm, not tight enough to stop him but he stopped anyway. “Heechul… don’t think I haven’t wanted to hear you say that. I waited so long. Too long.”

Heechul's breath caught in his throat.

“What do you mean?”

He didn’t need to hear the answer, just refused to believe what was happening till he had.

“You left it too long…” Hankyung's voice almost cracked and Heechul hated it, hated that in some way it was his fault, that he had been so stupid.

“And Siwon?” Heechul bit out, trying hard to retain his composure because nobody saw Heechul cry. Hankyung looked up into Heechul’s eyes, and Heechul could see the hurt in them.

“He didn’t wait."

With that Heechul left, biting his tongue to stop the tears from falling down his face, storming into his room, almost tripping over the clothes on the floor and ignoring the sound of Jungsoo’s snores in the next room. He slammed himself against a wall, before sliding to the floor in choked sobs. Donghae burst through the door in seconds, at his side to clean him up and hold him until he fell asleep.

Breakfast the next morning was tense. Heechul knew he looked pale, but also knew nobody was stupid enough to ask him. Three people in the room knew what had happened, and Heechul would like to keep it that way.

“More juice, hyung?” Siwon held out the jug and Heechul scoffed but accepted anyway. A pitiful peace offering if ever he’d seen one, but he smiled nonetheless, because he’s Heechul, and nobody knows he cares