Wednesday, December 22nd, 2016

Today I leave her home, my home, everything I know behind. The scary day where I have to walk onto that plane, fly to my father’s home country and be with his family. I was born in South Korea, my mom had just intended to visit for an article for the paper she was working for at the time, but she fell in love with my dad and decided to stay after she found out she was pregnant. They didn’t get married till I was about 2 or 3; their lives were too busy to think of tying the knot.

We moved to the United States when I was 4, right before I was supposed to start school. My grandparents had fallen ill and we didn’t know how much longer they would have, so my father agreed to move out here on a temporary basis, thinking we’d go right back to South Korea in less than a year, we kept the house there for a year, then it was made clear that my mother didn’t want to move back… Not after my grandparent’s death. It was too hard for her to leave her childhood home after they died. She didn’t want another family in that house. There were too many memories for her and she didn’t want to forget or leave any of them behind. So we lived there, happily, till she died…

It’s been almost 6 months already, it’s Christmas in a few days, our first Christmas without her.

My dad became really depressed looking at the house and living in it without her, it wasn’t his home, he never felt like it was. He felt too much like a foreigner here, which he was. He didn’t want to stay…

I’m 18, I turn 19 the day after Christmas, so I guess there is really no reason that I have to leave with him. I could stay in the U.S, attend college here, live my life as a normal American girl. But I can’t… I can’t leave my dad like this. I have to be there for him. I have to help him. I can’t live without him either.

We boarded the plane squeezing each other’s hand as we took our seats. The pilot’s voice came over the intercom, I tuned everything out and just looked out the window.

It was hard to believe I would be flying in an airplane, the exact way that my mother died… It made me feel closer to her though. I’m flying high, like her spirit.

“Everything is going to be okay.” My dad wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. Even though I’m 18 (practically 19), I still like the comfort of being hugged by my father. We were never that close, not before mom’s death.

After that we got much closer, we started talking to each other more, I made an effort to talk in Korean more often. We watched movies together every night, we went out to eat together, just went out for a drive every now and then. We never fought, we always made a point to tell each other that we love one another. I never knew when he’d be taken away from me, like how my mom was. I think he feels the same way.

He knows I don’t really want to leave the States, but I won’t keep him from being with his family in his country. I can go to college in Korea, it’ll be hard, but I’ll figure it out.

“Why don’t you try to sleep? It’ll make the ride seem shorter.” He looked at me with his small almond shaped eyes that were slightly red, it became the normal, the red eyes… He cried himself to sleep every night, he doesn’t know that I know, and I can’t bring myself to tell him that I do. Whenever I bring up how red his eyes are, he just tells me that he has allergies.

Which he doesn’t.

“Okay.” I nodded. “You should try to sleep too.” I pulled my earbuds out of my pocket and turned my favorite playlist on on my phone.

Before you ask, I do listen to Kpop, no, I’m not a die-hard fan of any groups, I honestly couldn’t name more than a few members in any of the groups. I know most of the solo singers, but the boys and girls in the groups, uh uh, no way, not learning all those names, I’d rather fill my brain with useful knowledge.

I listen to a lot of American music, more-so than Kpop. It’s just a personal preference. But I guess since I’m moving back to Korea, I should probably learn some member’s names of the more popular groups. That way if I’m asked, ‘Oh, who is your bias in blah-blah group?’ I might actually be able to answer. I’ll make a point to do that when I get settled into the new place.

I put my earbuds in and looked at the clock on my phone.

2:53 AM

‘Ugh, too early, I really should fall asleep. Wish me good dreams, Mom.’

I dozed off for a few hours here and there, between my mini-naps I would get out my laptop and write in my digital journal. Thankfully my father slept the entire time till we got to our layover destination. We were able to get up, stretch our legs, and get something to eat. We had been in the plane for around 9 hours already. Only 5 or 6 more to go.

“Did you sleep at all?” Dad asked as we ate our lunch at one of the tables in the airport’s food court.

“Ah, yeah, a little. I couldn’t sleep the entire time, so it was a few mini naps here and there.” I stuffed my face with food, man, I was starving.

“I’ll stay awake this time then, I don’t want you to feel lonely.” He laughed as he watched me eat. “Slow down, we have an hour before we have to board the next flight.”

I gulped down the food I had in my mouth, “Right… Sorry. I was just really hungry; the airplane food wasn’t good so I didn’t eat it. And you really don’t have to stay awake with me, you need sleep. Keep your health up. Don’t want you getting sick.”

He nodded and looked around the food court. “I think you’ll like Seoul. You always liked going to the city when you were young.”

“I’m sure I’ll like it.” I smiled. ‘I hope…’

We spent the rest of our hour before the flight just talking and snacking on more food.

The rest of the plane ride was uneventful thankfully, we made it to Seoul with no scratches and no hairs out of place. Perfectly normal plane ride.

“Ah, there are my parents!” Dad smiled as we exited the terminal and rushed to greet my grandpar