It’s only after finishing lunch that Seungwan realises Taeyeon never mentioned what time she was coming to pick her up. She does not want to be unprepared. Especially if her date is who she suspects.

She desperately scrambles for her phone before realising she’s elbow deep in soap suds and that she should probably finish the dishes before she tries to send a message. Dropping her phone in murky dish water once is enough.

When the dishes are drying and her hands are finally soap free, Seungwan hops onto the counter and shoots Taeyeon a text. Hey. You never mentioned what time you were gonna give me a lift?

Seungwan messages Krystal for help after. Yo. So how should I dress? Casual? Formal? Dressed to the nines? Pls help I don’t wanna die :(

She sits and swings her legs back and forth. She hopes that they reply soon. Seungwan knows that she’s indecisive and will take a lengthy amount of time to decide on an outfit. The kitchen is silent and Seungwan can hear the fridge.

She remembers the time before; a time where everything was easier, simpler, before her affections for Joohyun had consumed her. They had changed her. She realises that now.

Back when Red Velvet was newly formed, when they were crammed into a tiny dorm without personal space or privacy, when there was no balcony to escape to, Seungwan would tiptoe into the kitchen when she was sure all the members were sleep. There she’d lean back against the fridge, back flush against the cool metal and let its humming lull her to sleep.

She always set an alarm, making sure it would vibrate so that it would wake her and nobody else, allowing her to creep back into bed before anybody noticed.

Seungwan thinks she had liked the metallic chill and the comforting hum. When they moved to a bigger, newer dorm, she had missed the fridge most of all. Their new fridge doesn’t hum like the old one and she can’t sneak into the kitchen at night, not with Sooyoung and Seulgi’s penchant for midnight snacks.

Still, when she’s in the kitchen and not cooking, Seungwan is always vigilant. It’s a conditioned response from all the late nights she spent sitting in the dark and trying not to get caught. She’s good at not getting caught.

Seungwan hears footsteps heading towards the kitchen. Seulgi lopes, always eager, and Sooyoung’s steps are heavy. Yerim is a pitter patter of tiny feet, small body darting to and fro. These are slow, measured and she knows that it’s Joohyun. Her heart starts thundering in her ears and Seungwan knows it is time to go.

Though they share the same living space, she’s managed to successfully avoid Joohyun since their last encounter. Every time she sees a hint of dark hair, a flash of pale skin, Seungwan  turns and flees. It feels a lot like defeat, tastes like ashes and regret on her tongue.

She grabs her phone and slides off the counter furtively. She doesn’t want to meet Joohyun here, not when the hurt remains.

She sneaks out the opposite direction, before Joohyun enters the room.

Seungwan slips into her room, gently closing her door before throwing herself onto the bed. She bounces once, twice before settling onto her back. She crosses her arms over her eyes, until all she sees is blackness and then she finally allows herself to breathe.

She doesn’t like the lightbulb in her room. She hates the illumination it casts; it’s too white, too bright, and everything looks too real.

When Seungwan sees her reflection, she’s looking at someone else. When she looks down at her hands, her flesh is tinged with something that is not quite right. There’s something about her smile that is wrong, that she detests. Mirrors always show the truth and she hates them for it.

She does not know how she looks in the light of day. She wonders whether anyone has noticed that she is not the same.

Seungwan does not recognise who she has become. Seungwan has lost herself. There’s tiny fragments of her scattered around: on the balcony, in the stairwell, in Taeyeon’s basement, in the kitchen. But the greatest pieces of her, she had left with Joohyun.

Seungwan wonders if she will ever get them back.

Sometimes when she is freshly woken and not quite aware, she thinks that there’s a hole in her chest. There’s an unrelenting ache and a dull throb. It does not hurt, but she is missing something.

She does not like this, she realises. She hates being helpless, hates letting someone have this much control over her, hates that she is this weak. Seungwan needs to get her together. And she needs to do it soon.  She can’t avoid Joohyun forever. Even if she wants to.

The sudden vibration startles her out of her morbid thoughts. Seungwan nestles underneath the covers and checks her phone. Taeyeon has finally replied.

Oh , my bad. I’ll pick you up around 7. It’ll be a short drive. She always eats at 7:30. Always. It’s kinda creepy actually now that I think about it...

It’s 1:20 and Seungwan has time to kill. Her bed is warm and soft and inviting, and she wants to take a nap, but then she remembers that she has eaten recently. She settles for ironing all the tops in her wardrobe that she considers date-worthy. Her jeans are black, the exact same shade as the blazer and Seungwan is glad she has one less item of clothing to worry about.

She’s in the middle of ironing a cropped t-shirt that she doesn’t think is hers — it’s baby pink and has ‘BAD ’ across the front in white letters — when her phone goes off again. Seungwan switches the iron off. She doesn’t want to burn herself again.

Once is enough. Seungwan always learns her lessons.

Casual ╮(╯_╰)╭

A one word reply and an emoji. Krystal is absolutely no help. That little .

Her phone goes off again.

I’m coming up now, get your hopefully well-dressed to the door will ya?

Seungwan curses. She grabs the nearest top she can find, a white t-shirt, and struggles to get into her skinny jeans. They’re tight, but damn, do her legs look good. They also have pockets. She fumbles around her desk for her wallet, throws the blazer over her shoulders, and heads out to meet Taeyeon.

She finds Taeyeon already inside. With Joohyun. Who seems to be staring her down. Oh dear.

She’s sitting on the couch, pale and quailing beneath the force of Joohyun’s glare and Seungwan winces. The set of Joohyun’s jaw is particularly stubborn and she knows that they need to leave before she gets confrontational. She shivers when she sees the barest hint of teeth.

Well, she won’t be avoiding Joohyun today. It was good while it lasted. She steels herself. She can do this. Preferably before Joohyun tears Taeyeon limb from limb, Seungwan doesn’t know why she’s this aggressive.

"Taeyeon-unnie, Joohyun-unnie.”

They both turn to face her.  She would find the look of relief on Taeyeon’s face hilarious if Joohyun’s piercing eyes weren’t focused on her.

“Seungwan.” Taeyeon stands.

“Seungwan-ah.” Joohyun’s gaze does not leave her face. Though it dips momentarily to her blazer.

“Looking good, it’s date night, let’s go.” Taeyeon’s nervousness is palpable, and tangled words fall out of .

“What.” It’s almost growled out, and when Joohyun snaps to face her, Taeyeon gulps audibly. There’s a gleam of something dark in Joohyun’s eyes. Taeyeon pales further.

Seungwan thinks she should probably save her. She cuts in. “Taeyeon-unnie is giving me a lift.”

Said unnie frantically nods in agreement.

“Ah.” Joohyun uncrosses her arms. Somehow she’s still intimidating. “Are you returning the blazer?” Joohyun sounds calm, but Seungwan knows better. There’s still tension in her jaw and she’s trying to not grind her teeth. Seungwan can tell. She can always tell.

“Nah. That blazer’s someone else’s. She’s got a different date tonight.” Taeyeon needs to learn to think before she speaks. And that is a lesson Seungwan is suddenly very, very eager to teach.

“A  different date.” She feels the fury in Joohyun’s words reverberate in her bones and knows that they need to leave. Now.

She forcibly drags Taeyeon out the door and throws a goodbye over her shoulder. Seungwan can’t resist throwing Joohyun’s words back at her.

“Bye, unnie. Don’t worry.  I’m sure she’ll take good care of me.”

Seungwan is pettier than Joohyun thinks. She wonders if she’ll learn.

“Well…”

Taeyeon draws her attention away from the monotonous view and she is relieved. She’s been trying to distract herself by staring out the window. It did not work.

“Joohyun-ssi is terrifying. I felt like she wanted to flay me alive. And when I said it was date night, I thought she would rip out my vocal chords with her teeth. Do you like your women intimidating or something?”

“Joohyun-unnie isn’t scary at all. She’s just misunderstood.” People always assume things about Joohyun; paint her into something that she is not, and Seungwan will defend her until the end of her days.

She might be in deeper than she initially thought.

“Riiiight. Man, you’ve got it bad.” Taeyeon’s eyes flicker to her briefly and Seungwan worries about her safety.

“And no. I don’t like intimidating women.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” It’s muttered under her breath but Seungwan has always had sharp ears.

“Excuse me.” She lets a trickle of displeasure bleed through.

“Nothing.” Taeyeon coughs. It is not convincing. “Is there anything you wanted me to tell you about your date tonight?”

“Nothing about the date itself, no. But I think it’s a really, really bad idea that you tell me about my dates on the day. It’s always so last minute and I never have enough time to prepare.”

“Noted and will bring up to Tiff later. Anything else?”

“Nope.”

“Ok, good. If you think of anything else, tell me, ok? Now, let’s talk about your date.”

“What about her?”

“It’s Jessica.”

“Yes?”

“Jessica. Jessica Jung? You know?”

“I know who Jessica Jung is, all of South Korea does.”

“Well, Jess is a dear friend of mine.”

“Oh, you don’t say. I had absolutely no idea the two of you knew each other. Does she like SNSD?” Seungwan wishes Taeyeon would get to the point. She begun worrying her lip between her teeth the moment Jessica was mentioned. Seungwan doesn’t want her to bleed.

“Look, she’s very, very important to me alright. You both are. But she’s special. You’re a really good friend, but Jess is o—“

Taeyeon cuts herself off abruptly, hands gripping the wheel so hard her knuckles turn chalk white.

“J-jess is…” She takes short sharp breaths and does not continue.

There’s a sigh. It sounds like defeat to Seungwan’s ears and she does not know why.

“Please. Just take care of her tonight ok? Do it for me. She deserves the sun.” Taeyeon meets her eyes for a brief moment and Seungwan reels. She sees grief, raw and true and really, the choice was never hers to make.

“I will.” She’s never seen Taeyeon like this. And Seungwan is sure that she wishes to never see it again.

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

Taeyeon drives in silence and Seungwan stares out the window. Nobody speaks until Taeyeon parks. It hasn’t been like this between them before. And she wonders.

“We’re here. Come on.”

Seungwan steps out and finds that they’re in an underground car park. Taeyeon leads and she follows. She’s led upstairs, through a luxurious lobby and into an elevator. The concierge seems to be making an effort to ignore them, though she sees Taeyeon nod at him as they pass.

She ends up standing outside a door. It’s a rich, dark wood and has 6012 on it in elegant golden letters.

“This is it. Take care of her for me.” Taeyeon leaves without another word. And Seungwan doesn’t know what to think. She’s never see her like this before.

Seungwan knocks once, knocks twice and waits. There’s a rattling of locks and then the door opens slightly. She stares at pretty brown eyes and pretty brown eyes stare back.

“J-Jessica?”

“Yes, that’s me. You must be Seungwan. It’s lovely to meet you. Come on inside, I’ve just finished dinner. Follow me please.” Jessica swings the door wide open and Seungwan enters.

She follows Jessica through the apartment, taking in the decor and making sure not to knock anything over. Jessica’s apartment  is well-furnished, themed around modern, monochrome and metallic pieces, and Seungwan detects an undercurrent of something warm.

They end up in the kitchen and when Jessica pulls a chair out in invitation, Seungwan politely sits.

“Thank you. You have a lovely home.”

“No problem.”

She sees Jessica repress a wince. They are both stiff and she can feel awkwardness start to permeate the room. She does not know why anybody would think matching them up would be a good idea.

“I made japchae. Hope you like it.”

“Ah. Thank you.”

The food is delicious and Seungwan tells her as much, but the awkwardness around them only grows and she doesn’t know how to make it go away. She’s never been good with people.

Jessica relocates them to the living room. The couch is incredibly soft but Seungwan’s spine is stiff. Jessica looks like she feels the same.

“Ohhh! Is that a Blanc & Eclare blazer? It looks good on you.” She hears the delight and pride in Jessica’s voice and is glad she followed Krystal’s advice.

“Yea. It’s Krystal’s actually. She insisted I wear it tonight. Said you’d give me bonus points.” Her chuckles are stilted.

Jessica snaps her fingers. “Ten points for you Son Seungwan, good job Son Seungwan.”

“Did you just Mean Girls me? That’s so fetch!”

"Seungwan, stop trying to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.”

They both giggle and the room feels a little lighter.

“So… why are Tiffany and Taeyeon assigning people to butter your muffin anyway?”

“They’re just trying to help me out I guess…”

“Mhhh. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to There’s no pressure and I’m not going to push you. Take your time. Oh, by the way, how did you even get to my place? Did you taxi?”

“Taeyeon gave me a lift, actually.”

“Tae was here? She didn’t even say hi…” Jessica trails off and starts to shred her napkin to pieces. She stares down at the table and does not meet Seungwan’s eyes.

“She told me to take care of you and then she left. She didn’t say anything else...And..uh…” She stares down at her fingers, tapping them on the table.

“What is it? What happened  with Tae?” There’s something in Jessica’s voice. Seungwan does not know what it is, but it is there now, when it was not before.

She looks up and Jessica’s eyes are blazing. Seungwan’s throat is suddenly dry. She swallows, but it doesn’t change a thing.

“Sh-she said you were important. And that you’re special.” Jessica smiles, small and sad, and Seungwan finds the courage to continue. “ I think she wanted to say more but she cut herself off. She went paper white. Like even paler than she normally is. And she made me promise to take care of you.”

“That idiot. Those, stupid, selfless, ing idiots.” There’s a sniffle and a strangled sob, and then Jessica is crying.  Seungwan does not know what to do. She is terrible with people, especially crying people. And then Seungwan remembers mournful eyes. ‘Promise me.’

She remembers Taeyeon’s arms and Tiffany’s hands in her hair and the comfort they had brought. Seungwan finds the tiny strand of courage she had long hidden away and pulls. She shifts on the couch, wrapping her arms around Jessica and pulling her close.

Seungwan holds her while she cries, feels the tears soak into her shirt and the sobs that wrack Jessica’s petite frame. It’s all she can do. She doesn’t what what to do. She doesn’t know what she can do.

Jessica stops crying, but keeps her face buried in Seungwan’s shirt.

“Thank you.” It’s muffled. Seungwan still understands. She attempts to pat her back soothingly.

“They are idiots you know.”

“Who?” Seungwan thinks she has some idea.

“Tiff And Tae.”

“Why?”

“They know I love them and they still try to set me up with anyone else.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t suspected that.

“And I know they feel something for me. But they never say it.”

Seungwan recalls lengthy messages and sad eyes and makes sure to think before she speaks.

“I think that they definitely feel something. They both sent long, threatening messages about treating you right. And Taeyeon was in a really, weird angsty mood after asking me to take care of you.”

“Tae’s always been absurdly selfless and Tiff never stops her. They’re trying to get us together so that we’ll both be less sad or something like that. They both think they’re relationship experts, but in reality they don’t even know what they want. God, they’re idiots, but I love them anyway. Why does everything have to be so ing tragic.” She dabs at her eyes angrily with her sleeve.

Seungwan feels compelled to share, she wants to tell Jessica about Joohyun. She needs to tell her; show her that she is not alone.

“I have feelings for my group mate.” It’s a confession she’s only made once.

Jessica wipes her eyes. They are watery and red. She looks pretty anyway.

“Which one? You’re the only member of Red Velvet I’m familiar with, I don’t share any mutuals with any of the other members.”

"Joohyun-unnie.” At Jessica’s blank expression, she elaborates. “Irene.”

“Oh. Her. Guess we both want people we’re not supposed to. Intragroup dating is always messy.” She smiles. It’s self-deprecating and Seungwan wants to wipe it off her face. She sees that expression whenever she looks in a mirror. She knows it. She hates it. She realises that Tiffany was right in assuming that Jessica and her could become good friends. They are more alike than people realise.

"It’s hard. Because we’re groupmates, yes. But also because she won’t talk to me. Because she never says anything that means something. Because these feelings won’t ing go away. And no matter how hard or how fast I run,  I can’t ever escape. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m losing myself.”

Seungwan has never said this to anybody else. She had kept it locked up in the dark corners of her mind and let it fester into something repulsive.

“I went to Tiffany and Taeyeon for help.”

“And the best they could come up with was to throw you at other people until you find someone else. How original.”

“Yea. Krystal was my first date, you’re my second.”

“Well that explains it. They won’t face their feelings, so they throw me at other people. Now that you’re here they’re throwing us at each other, typical. I’m sorry Seungwan. I don’t think it’s going to work for us.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t expect it to. All I wanted was to get Joohyun-unnie out of my head. Maybe talk to someone that understands.”

“Well, you're lucky you got me then. Oh, actually...”

Jessica opens and closes , seemingly unable to come to a decision. She holds up a single finger and puts it back down.

“I actually have a really good, true and tested method of sorting out feeling for groupmates. It helped me untangle all my feelings, so trust me, it works. Are you up for it?”

Jessica’s throwing her a lifeline and Seungwan would be foolish not to take it.

“Yes.”

“Good. Move in with me.”