Destiny of Love by sulliviera

STORY LINK

(Two-Shot)

Requested: January 23, 2012

Completed: January 23, 2012

Title [ 7 / 10 ]

Creativity: The title and poster are rather misleading. When I saw those two things I was expecting a more dramatic story line when in reality the most dramatic portion of the story came at the very end. On another note, you did reference the title throughout the piece so good job.

Characters [ 27 / 50 ]

Development:

Jessica: She was rather set in her ways. The development only came from the pain inflicted on her by Jonghyun. As a character she sort of circled around being unsure and bland at times. It could also be said that she had a rather generic personality – the sort of character that can be found in other stories.

Jonghyun: He was somewhat pathetic and just an overall depressing part of the piece. The way he acted also showed immaturity and far too much exuberance. At one point you mentioned them being in college so please be sure to keep your character’s actions and age equal. Many college students are wild and childish but at the same time they’re more mature than high school students.

Example: Omg, someone help me!

There’s quite a bit of character deficiency in that statement. Also remember that you chose 1^st person so even non-dialogue sentences must be properly worded.

Eunhyuk: For someone who expressed his deep hurt at knowing Jessica came to love someone else, he was very understanding and caring. I see that you meant for him to be very mature and sweet but it became almost inhuman at times. It made me question whether or not he really wanted to hold onto her.

Voice: To be perfectly clear, I would not have been able to decipher Jessica and Jonghyun unless you put that POV change marker. As people they were very obviously different but you didn’t change your writing style. The only things that changed were words and thoughts. Be more assertive in your character roles because it will surely enhance the overall effect of the story.

Mark Downs: I know this was a two-shot and there was little time to develop characters but you did develop them rather well during the 3^rd POV portion. You gave great details concerning their priorities and relationship yet when you changed to 1^st person it was like they lost all their personality.

Grammar/Spelling [ 9 / 25 ]

Correct Usage: I see that you have an idea of what you want to say but your usage was lacking, as you may already know. Please note the following:

I was about to walk away when I heard Key’s mumbling something.

NOTE: I see that you were trying to say “Key was…” and used a conjunction. In terms of coherence you should right out the whole word, otherwise it doesn’t read properly. In this case specifically, you didn’t even need the “was”. It just adds too many words and sounds to the sentence.

I clench both of my hand together before they find their own ways to Key’s beautiful face.

NOTE: You need number agreement. “Both” tells readers that there are two of the object/item. You followed “both” with a singular “hand”. They both need to be plural.

Tenses: You confused tenses consistently. I recommend you go back and look over those. Below I’ll list a few things to look out for:

With a new plan and hope, I kind of skipping along the empty corridor

NOTE: “skipping” is supposed to be “skipped” because adding “–ing “ implies that he is currently skipping. Throughout you’ve jumped between present tense and past tense which is very inappropriate when writing, even in first person.

Mark Downs: At several points, you switch tenses with paragraphs but it can’t be done. Pick one tense and stick with it.

Plot [ 30 / 75 ]

Intrigue: I was interested at first but then the intrigue faded. The whole story line has been done many times and therefore is in need of great writing skill or great interpretation. You recreated the story decently, however there was room for improvement and more creativity.

Originality: As I stated above, the plot line was cliché. You attempted to make it original by writing about Jonghyun making plans with his friends to get Jessica back, however those plans were never fully or clearly realized for us readers.  

Story Structure [ 45 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: Using 3^rd person and 1^st person in one chapter was a tad unsightly. I will admit that you switched POV’s clearly and I realize why you would have wanted to use 1^st person but there were many possibilities of expressing emotion through just 3^rd POV. Yes, there are arguments about the story being a one shot and therefore breaking POV by chapter isn’t possible, but then again, perhaps it was also possible to fight through adversity and learn to use 3^rd person only.

With one shots, it’s highly advised to stick with one perspective. They’re so short anyway that switching between POVs becomes pointless and tedious for readers.

Realism (in terms of story setting): You were doing very well in this sense up until Jonghyun’s death. It felt as if you simply did that to squeeze out a bit more drama for the sake of having more drama. The situation didn’t fit with the overall teen-angst you had been rolling with throughout the story thus far.

Functionality: I could basically guess what was going to happen. You didn’t lay out everything for your readers, which was nice, but at the same time, you didn’t leave us guessing for more. The most heart-racing point was when I thought you wouldn’t kill Jonghyun but then you killed him anyway and rather highlighted his stupidity along the way. Furthermore, his actions created a character imbalance as he had been rather rational up until the end where he suddenly became depressed and crazy by walking out into the street like that.

Mark Downs: You had everything under control up until the second half of Part 2 where the pacing, characters, situations, and everything basically, went down the hole. There was greater potential in the story but the ending rushed it into an unsatisfactory…well, end.

Style [ 22 / 60 ]

Personality: By your Author Notes and introduction messages you have personality but your writing was lacking. Please refer to the other parts of this review for a deeper understanding of what I mean.

Description: In the beginning, you did use description well and for a purpose but after a while it became useless and/or nonexistent. I truly wish you had spent more time describing considering you decided to make this piece a tragedy.

Dialogue: The overall formatting was fine but your dialogue could be unnatural and rather unfitting. Please take into account how to properly exclaim and emphasize.

Instead of capitalizing a phrase you wish to emphasize or otherwise pronounce, use italics and description. This will give your writing a more mature and professional look.

Clichés: This was mentioned before. Your story was basically two people who fell in love, one cheated, they broke up, wanted to get back to together, one died. It was all very traditionally dramatic.

“Flow”: You did have great pacing to begin with. In fact, I think I would’ve given you full marks had it not been for Part 2. The story would’ve been better off with just Part 1 and I understand sometimes that you feel as if you owe the story a second part but really, Part 1 was fine all on its own.

When Part 2 rolled around, I couldn’t keep up with their erratic situational changes, personality changes, character changes, etc. It was all too fast, even for a one shot. Actually, since you gave this one shot two chapters, it should have given you more freedom to slow down the story and clearly identify the state of everything.  

Formatting: Your formatting was actually nice. It’s hard to find someone who can write in proper paragraphs and give each character speaking their due sections.

Mark Downs: I counted each of the abovementioned categories as 10 Points so…you may do the math as you please.

Literary Devices [ 1 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : You made some comparisons.

Extras/Bonuses [ 1 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: There aren’t many comments to base it off of.

Particular Snippets of…: I’m just a sap for cliché, heart-breaking stories so yes, I did get all mushy when Jonghyun and Jessica were breaking up.

Improvement: Oddly enough, you were better in the beginning than by the end. If anything, go back and study your style used during your 3^rd Person portion and remember how it looked and was formatted. That was definitely the highlight of the piece.

Enjoyment: Personally I enjoyed Part 1. Part 2 was like the sequel no one ends up liking. I truly, truly, truly believe you could have done without Part 2 unless you really wanted us to end with Jonghyun dying.

Total [ 142 / 300 ]

47%

Reviewers Comments:

If I could give you any direct advice, it would be this: Be very careful with pacing and grammar. I realize that you didn’t take the time to check for grammatical errors or spelling but in the future please do so.

 I noticed that you’re entering this into a contest. If you want to compete at a higher level then ask someone to proof read because I saw the prizes for the contest winner and honestly those are some very nice prizes!

Also, request again sometime! I’m not satisfied with the score I gave you. I want to see you develop a greater story. However, if you don’t request again, then I hope that my remarks have helped you and you continue writing and growing.