The Black Viper Host Club by 1234cve

STORY LINK

(8 Chapters - On Going)

Requested: January 24, 2012

Compelted: January 28, 2012

Title [ 7 / 10 ]

Creativity:There were probably more clever titles. This was rather blatant and in your face. Consider, for future stories, using titles that allude to the bigger picture of your pieces. I’m sure there’s far more to this story than just the host club and although the host club is the center of everything, there’s quite a bit of detail about taking down the club.

Characters [ 43 / 50 ]

Development:

Rain:He’s reasonably believable as you made him an undercover cop. If he wasn’t lying about having an undercover job, then his actions are perfectly normal. Also, the reason he approached Suzy at the club made sense if he’s trying to save people from the club.

Suzy: She’s sort of lacking thus far. I realize that your story isn’t complete so I can’t rightfully say she won’t grow more and change but within the first 8 chapters very little has happened to suggest that she’s a dynamic character.

Her feelings and choices concerning Rain are also a tad bizarre. I’ve noticed that a running theme in your chaptered stories is “love at first sight” for lack of a better word. Your main character becomes attracted so quickly

Mir: He’s a rather pitiful character but he’s developed. Your supporting cast is much stronger than your main cast. I have to admit that his moods swing wildly.

Joon: What a horribly cruel man. You know, in every story I’ve read, authors always make Mir the pathetic person chasing after Joon. It’s rather depressing to be honest. His portrayal is somewhat cliché when you think about his “generic” character.

If that’s a bit confusing, I mean that most FFs give their KPOP/JPOP/Actors/Etc. certain personalities that become the norm among hundreds of stories.

Example: Onew loves chicken. Key is a diva. Minho is a prince. Ryeowook is innocent and sensitive. Donghae is a fish. Big Bang are gangsters. 2PM are bullies.

Voice: At one point, I didn’t check the POV and then had no idea it was Rain speaking. His personality and actions fluctuate which at times evaporates his character. As you progress, I’m guessing there will be more distinctive voices but for now, there are any that are notable.

Grammar/Spelling [ 16 / 25 ]

Correct Usage:

squel in glle

“squeal in glee” I’m pretty sure it was a typo but I figure I should point it out. This is from chapter 2.

Allright dogseng

Again…I’m guessing you meant “Alright dongsaeng”. Also, since BoA is talking to her like a little sister, the proper form of the Korean word is “yeo dongsaeng”. The “yeo” makes it “younger sister”. This is from Chapter 5.

anymore odder

“Odder” is being used comparatively here but you already used “anymore” which wouldn’t require a comparative form of “odd”. The correct form should be written like this: “anymore odd” or “any odder”.

There may have been more mistakes but those were the main ones that stuck out.

Tenses: You confuse present and past tense a few times per chapter so I’d recommend that you pay closer attention to it in the future. It may seem like certain things should be in present or past tense, but you have to pick one and stick with it.

Plot [ 69 / 75 ]

Intrigue:It’s interesting. I like that you’re not making the story all about sex and drugs and abuse.

Originality: Your take on a host club is sort of watered down but that’s alright. Most people overcompensate and try to portray it as the most evil thing in the world – which, essentially, it may be. However, it’s refreshing to see someone writing a story about the main character destroying the club instead of suffering in silence, hoping for someone to come rescue them.

Story Structure [ 32 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: It held more meaning when you only wrote in Suzy’s POV. Rain’s random POV was somewhat story destructive. Everything was running smoothly when you leave it with just one person’s POV. Plus, the story itself holds more credibility when you can write from just one character’s perspective. By jumping around, you’re taking the easy way out for portraying emotions and beliefs.

Realism (in terms of story setting): Although I did say that the take on host club/slavery was refreshing, it still isn’t reflective of real life host clubs. Right now, everything is rather romanticized. There’s the “scare” factor of living and breathing with dirtied individuals, serving black market thugs, and everything else that could drive someone mad.

I’m not saying you have to turn the story into angst or anything, but there should be some form of sadness/heartache since you’ve chosen such a serious plot line.

Functionality: I hope you have more in store for your readers. Right now, everything is being laid out for us so maybe there’s some deceit? I’m not sure though.

Style [ 37 / 60 ]

Personality:You have a certain stylistic marker that I spoke about in previous reviews for you.

Description: Instead of offering us pictures, you should try describing it. It’ll make the story more elaborate and integrated. When you take outside sources like photos you’re taking away from your story’s personal appeal. It’s similar to cutting corners instead of taking the time to, in this case, write out what your vision is. I’m sure your mind’s vision is far better than a picture that will never be as accurate as you want.

Dialogue: Again, your dialogue is still rather spot on, except for a few instances of blunt stating. Your character relationships are strong though and it shines through in your dialogue.

Clichés: There are some clichés that I mentioned earlier in this review. I don’t suppose I’ll go into depth.

“Flow”: I’m very happy with your pacing. Nothing is moving too fast or too slow. Hopefully you’ll keep this style and speed throughout the rest of your story. It’s also very reflective of the topic. Although host clubs and the black market are shady topics and thrillingly fast worlds, things don’t happen one after another. There’s a lot of backwater planning and lying which so far you’ve been paying mind to with Rain, Mir and Suzy plotting together.

Formatting: The font.

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. 

Extras/Bonuses [ 4 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: Your readers are paying attention to the plot at times and the characters as well.

Particular Snippets of…: I’m a huge fan of Joonmir so I was smiling during their parts. I just hope there’s more of them.

Improvement:Everything is consistent thus far which is good since you’re doing well in terms of everything but minor grammatical mistakes and description.

Enjoyment:To be honest, I think I am subscribing to this. I like the idea and I want to see Joonmir so I’ll stick around for a while.

Total [ 211 / 300 ]

70%

Reviewers Comments:

I have to wonder why you released unedited chapters, especially Chapter 1. The first chapter of any story should be the best – compositionally speaking. Were you in a rush to release it or were you simply too excited to release it?