3. 

you’re trying to stitch together
the scars that bleed your name

Jihoon feels like his mind is an ocean—a constant wave of emotions that he can’t keep up with. One second it’s a storm, hate howling like the wind, and then another second it’s a calm tide, where he’s not really sure what he’s feeling but he has a feeling it won’t last long enough for him to take a deep enough breath. He’s not sure which one he prefers—standing under dark clouds seems like the only way to convince himself that he’s not the one stunting his growth, but once it passes he doesn’t want it to come back—he doesn’t want the clouds to win. He wants to yell at himself until he’s able to drill into his mind that it’s possible to be happy, if only he’d give himself the chance to try.

And one night he’s resolved. He musters up the courage to throw his useless pride away and ask Donghan for help because he's far more put together than anyone else he knows.

“Hey,” Jihoon starts quietly from his side of their room, growing more anxious as Donghan looks up from his laptop. He shifts on his bed into a cross-legged position, “Let’s say, hypothetically, that someone received an apology from someone they used to hate, and it felt genuine. Should they thank them? Or just accept that they did it and move on? Or try to talk to them? Does it make them seem easy if they want to try and put years of hate behind them all because of one apology?”

He knows he’s rambling but Donghan hasn’t cut him off yet and at this point he doesn’t even know how to stop himself. “Should I like.. try to get back at him? Wait that would make me a wouldn’t it—“ Then he realizes he’s gone into first person instead of his hypothetical third person questions and dammit he’s caught.

“Is this about Woojin?” Donghan closes his laptop and moves to sit at the edge of his own bed. Jihoon’s forehead creases, mouth set in a hard line. “Did he apologize?”

Jihoon nods slowly. Donghan looks contemplative, “Was it a good apology? Like he didn’t just leave it at ‘I’m sorry’?”

The brunette falls back onto his pillow with a groan, “No, it was literally like a minute-long apology and it was.. honest, I’m not sure how to feel anymore? Like, I’ve always portrayed him as the devil in my mind but honestly, he looked just as troubled about it. He looked really guilty.”

“You know, it’s not a bad idea to forgive him and move on, especially since he did apologize. It would have been harder to forgive and forget if he hadn’t but he did, and I think that's an indication that both of you are still hung up on it and this may be the closure you need.”

Jihoon draws his lower lip between his teeth, “You don’t.. you don’t think I’d be weak for forgiving him?”

Donghan gets up to put a hand on his shoulder, “I think you’re strong for wanting to put it behind you and make peace.”

He thinks about it for longer than he should, so long that he ends up falling asleep on the thought.

Chamsaes still talks to him once in a while, and once in a while it’s Jihoon that starts the conversation. Sometimes Jihoon forgets who he actually is. Way too many times chamsaes has him laughing out loud with his witty banter, a humor much like his own. He wants to like him, he really does. It often has him wondering if they hadn’t had a past like they did, would they have been good friends? Could they still be?

winkly : hey how are u

chamsaes : I could be better

winkly : what’s up?

chamsaes : would you mind if I just

chamsaes : ranted for a bit?

chamsaes : my best friend is at a late night exam prep and I kind of just want to let something out

winkly : im all ears

winkly : well,, all eyes technically

chamsaes : so there’s this guy I’ve known for a long time and he just showed up again

chamsaes : but the thing is, I used to pick on him when we were kids

Jihoon’s breath hitches when he realizes Woojin is about to talk about him.

chamsaes : and im not that kind of person anymore, trust me I regret it so much the guilt eats me alive every day

chamsaes : and I know that he has every right to hate me, bc honestly I hate myself too

chamsaes : but I really just want to make amends?? Like maybe we won’t ever get to be friends

chamsaes : but idk, I just —

chamsaes : it’s not even out of pity or obligation out of guilt or anything I just genuinely want to make it up to him??

chamsaes : and tbh I’m kind of a little worried about him, he looks so tired all the time, I don’t think he gets enough sleep and

chamsaes : idk is it weird that I care like would it seem fake to him if I tried to be acquaintances?

Jihoon has never been more conflicted. What’s worse is that he feels that Woojin is genuine, even though he keeps trying to tell himself not to fall for it. He’s not even sure what he’s supposed to say to him; if he tells him it’s weird then things will be even more awkward between them, but if he tells him to go for it, he’s putting that on himself. Does he want to make amends with him? Is he finally tired of being angry? After eight full minutes of typing and deleting various replies, he finally hits send:

winkly : Idk I think it might be worth a shot to try and make amends

They present their slideshow two days later. Woojin stumbles over his first few sentences, but for the most part it goes smoothly. Jihoon hasn’t had much trouble speaking in front of his classes since junior year, he figures his charade of faking confidence eventually became real confidence. And the more he had become detached from the people around him, the easier it was to care less about how they viewed him.

After the period ends Jihoon realizes they don’t have any reason to see each other anymore, and he doesn’t know if it’s relief or disappointment he’s feeling.

Woojin comes up to him after people start to file out of the class, “Good job today.”

Jihoon nods amiably, “You too.” Woojin lingers for a while, looking a tad bit unsure of what to do next.

“I know we’re finished our project and everything,” Woojin starts, tone deliberately conversational, “and you probably don’t want to see me after this,” He pauses, biting down on his tongue while seemingly debating whether or not he should continue. “but I think I enjoy your company while I’m studying, so I’ll be in our usual spot if you ever want to.. exist in the seat in front of me.”

There’s an awkward beat of silence before Woojin decides to walk away, but Jihoon catches a glimpse of the red tips of his ears before he can. He’s still in a state of shock himself, until he remembers his conversation with chamsaes and how he said he had wanted to try and make amends. Maybe this was a good thing? Jihoon knows that they’re far from becoming friends, there’s still so many years of emotional instability behind them, but he thinks that he’s tired of being mad. This could be his chance to finally get on the path to fixing himself, and for once, he might actually want to.

Two days after the presentation, Woojin finds himself in their usual corner in the library after his dance practice, mind set on getting in some studying for his statistics class. The table is empty when he gets there, and he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s a little disappointed. He doesn’t know why he thought Jihoon would show up, especially after everything they’ve been through. He may have apologized and tried to make things better, but in the end it was up to Jihoon to decide whether or not he wanted to accept his peace offering.

He goes on as usual, tapping away at his calculator to solve long and dreadful word problems. It’s even more quiet than usual at this time of night—in the afternoon there were usually students bustling around the bookshelves and making conversation. At one point he becomes so aware that there isn’t any background noise that it starts to bug him. It’s so quiet that he gets distracted thinking about how quiet it is. He spends so long trying to figure out where some sudden distant buzzing noise is coming from that he almost doesn’t notice the figure plopping himself in the seat in front of him.

Jihoon is here. Jihoon is sitting in front of him and he’s not looking at him but he’s still here. And maybe he’s only here to carry out his own agenda and the seat in front of Woojin happens to be the only available seat in the library but he still feels the tiniest bit happy. He doesn’t let it show on his face though, trying his hardest to keep a straight face despite the other boy still refusing to spare him a glance.

It’s every kind of awkward, but he thinks it’s progress. And that’s all Woojin can hope for.

Apparently it isn’t a one-time thing either, because as the month goes on Woojin finds himself at the same table every second night after dance practice, with Jihoon quietly studying right in front of him. They don't say much; in fact, they hardly speak at all. But the atmosphere isn’t as suffocating as it used to be. Woojin doesn’t feel the occasional glares anymore, and maybe it’s just hopeful thinking, but he doesn’t feel the hate either. He’s not quite sure what they are, or if they’re anything at all. He wants to convince himself that he’s okay with them being nothing more than acquaintances, but there’s a tugging at his mind that wants to expect more.

One day near the beginning of November, Jihoon finally speaks to him.

“Do you have the notes from yesterday’s class?” His brain short-circuits when his voice cuts through; it’s unexpected that for a while Woojin wonders if he might have just imagined it. Jihoon waves a hand in front of him three times, and only on the third does he manage to snap out of it. “For history?”

“Oh,” he scrambles to open up his e-mail and sends the document to him. “I just sent it.”

“Thanks.” And like that their conversation is over. He says about four words to him that entire night but the whole time he had been wary of his presence and was wondering if he was going to speak to him again or whether not he should initiate the conversation this time.

Next time, next time I’ll say something.

The next time they meet is on a Monday night, Woojin is running late because Taehyun had added an extra hour to their dance practice because the competitions were coming up. Jihoon is there before him, but he’s fallen asleep against a cute pink neck pillow. Woojin doesn’t even think to wonder why he had brought a neck pillow to the library, but the sight is kind of endearing. His mouth is slightly agape, head tilted so far that Woojin thinks he might wake himself up from falling over. Jihoon almost does, and he flushes crimson when he realizes Woojin is looking at him amusedly.

“You saw nothing.” He mumbles, clearing his throat in what he thinks is a calm, dignified manner but Woojin is still trying to stifle a grin.

“Hmm, I think I saw something..” Jihoon shushes him right away and Woojin finally breaks into a small smile that he has to hide by looking down pretending to text someone. They lapse back into a silence that’s not quite comfortable but it’s not very awkward either. It’s kind of nice, in a progressive way. He doesn’t except more, but he thinks that at some point he might not want to expect less.

Woojin doesn’t know if the universe is trying to make up for being to them when they were kids by constantly putting them together until they figure out what to do, but there Jihoon is again, in the diner he goes to every weekend at the high chairs that they had first encountered each other again. Except this time there’s no venom in his eyes, just the tiniest smile of acknowledgement.

“You’re everywhere now, aren’t you?” The older says, but it’s not laced with malice.

The corners of his lips tug up slightly, “Actually, I’ve been going here for years, so maybe you’re just following me.”

Jihoon snorts, “Don’t flatter yourself.” It’s playful—he can tell by the small smile he’s trying to suppress. After much hesitation, Woojin decides to sit with one chair in between them, far enough that it’s not awkward, but close enough for them to make casual conversation if he could build up the courage to or hope that he would initiate one.

Seongwoo comes up to him and slides him his plate of food, “It’s been a while, hey?”

“Yeah, sorry I’ve been a little busy with school and everything.” Seongwoo gives him a small smile as he pushes away the bills that Woojin tries to slide over to him.

“Don’t worry, dinner’s on me today.” Woojin wants to refuse because he knows that they probably shouldn’t be giving out free food, but by the time he tries to open his mouth to say that it’s okay, Seongwoo is already walking away from him.

“So,” Jihoon starts nonchalantly, being the first to attempt what Woojin thinks is an actual conversation. Whenever they speak, they don’t talk for long. But that afternoon is the most they’ve said to each other, “what do you gotta do to get some free food here?”

“Being a pitiful, socially uninclined loser usually works for me.” Woojin says truthfully. He can’t recall how he managed to be on good terms with Seongwoo. The older boy is definitely better at conversation than he is, so naturally he made conversation while Woojin sat in front of him while he worked. And Woojin really isn’t that interesting of a person at the beginnings of a friendship, but Seongwoo made it easier by always being the one to keep the flow going. He was thankful he never had to try too hard when it came to talking with him, it made his dinners less lonely. Maybe Seongwoo is just an inviting person in general, he kind of envies it.

“Socially uninclined, huh?” Woojin can’t really decipher Jihoon’s tone this time, “Never really pinned you as the type.”

“Yeah well,” He doesn't look up from his food, picking up and putting down the same fry like he’s not really sure what to do with his hands and it doesn't register in his mind that eating is an option, “There’s a lot you don’t know about a person without really talking to them, right?”

He finally looks up at Jihoon, whose body is half-turned towards him but his eyes are fixated on the table, expression contemplative. “Right.”

The end of the month sneaks up on them and midterms are approaching them fast. Jihoon spends more time in the library than he does in his actual room, sometimes he falls asleep on a couch in the back room of the library. He has to assure Donghan with picture proof that he’s being truthful about studying in the library and not getting drunk somewhere. He doesn’t remember when but at some point, Woojin starts to walk with him to the library after their history class. He sees Woojin so often that he remembers what day he had worn the same shirt the previous week. One time he had asked him if he only owned three sweatshirts, and he was surprised to find out that they had in fact had all been different.

“Wait, weren’t you wearing that yesterday?”

Woojin looks down at his sweatshirt, the usual black with white stripes on the sleeves and Jihoon thinks he definitely saw him wearing that same sweater the previous day. “No, this is a different sweater.”

“It literally looks the exact same as the one you were wearing yesterday. Do you not wear any color?”

Woojin shrugs, “I like the color black, it’s simple and sophisticated.”

Jihoon snorts at that, “Yeah, you look real sophisticated right now.”

Woojin scrunches up his face, “At least I don’t look like a highlighter every day. I can spot you from a mile away, you know that?”

“Or maybe you’re just looking for me.”

“I really don’t need to. I can literally hear the neon screaming at me and I know you’re somewhere close.” Woojin dodges out of the way before Jihoon can brain him with a stapler.

“My fashion sense is none of your business. You should focus on your horrible memorization skills.”

Woojin lets out a high-pitched, strained noise that Jihoon has to stop himself from grinning at, “It’s not my brain it’s the subject! It’s just not interesting! How do you even put up with this?”

“Some people are just good at things.” Jihoon puts a hand on top of Woojin’s, in pseudo-sympathy. “It’s okay to not be one of those people.”

Woojin flings Jihoon’s hand off of his with a scowl, “For your information I’m a talent spitting machine.”

“Oh yeah, name a talent other than dancing.”

Woojin crosses his arms, “I can rap.”

The scoff that leaves Jihoon’s mouth is almost instinctive.

“What? I can!”

“Prove it.”

Woojin merely deadpans, “We’re in a library, you idiot. You expect me to start rapping in the corner of a goddamn library?”

“Yes, that’s the only way.” Jihoon retorts unaffectedly. He’s definitely more than amused at Woojin’s frustration. His eyes narrow and he pouts and somehow the hairs on the top of his head start to stick out animatedly.

Woojin sighs hard, his arm coming up to prop his head on the table and he rubs at his temple like he’s asking someone for patience. “I’m not gonna do that.” He murmurs in a low voice.

Jihoon smirks victoriously, “Then you have no proof.”

Woojin looks like a defeated puppy for a while that it’s almost pitiful, but then he lights up as he grabs at his phone. Jihoon looks at him curiously as he shoves his phone in his face.

“Take out your earphones.”

“Why?”

Woojin taps at his phone screen, “Video proof.”

Jihoon kind of just stares at him for a few moments. He hadn’t expected Woojin to take out video proof and now he’s beginning to have an inner conflict because what if he’s actually good—was Jihoon expected to compliment him and admit that he was wrong? Because Jihoon doesn’t admit defeat.

After a measly attempt at convincing Woojin that he hadn’t brought his earphones with him today, Woojin throws him his own and places the phone on the table in front of him. And it turns out, Woojin is actually a much more effective negotiator than he is because somehow, Jihoon ends up complying (grudgingly, of course) and finally puts on his earphones, pressing play. It’s not Woojin in front of a big crowd, just a video of him on a stool in a small room, with a hand to his mouth holding an invisible microphone and , his voice is deep and he’s amazing. Even after the video ends his voice is still resonating in his mind, despite his attempts to (quite literally) knock them out of his head.

“So,” Woojin starts and Jihoon is already groaning because he knows what’s coming and he doesn’t like it one bit. “are you gonna admit I have talent?”

Jihoon sits up straight with a stoic expression, refusing to look the younger in the eye, “Okay, so you’re not terrible at it.” It’s comes out as more of a grouchy mumble than it does a sure statement.

Woojin has this annoying cheeky grin plastered on his face and it makes Jihoon want to punch him. “Was that a compliment?”

“It was merely an observation.” Jihoon corrects him and gives him a noncommittal shrug.

“It was a compliment!” The younger says a little too loudly and it’s that exact moment that the librarian is passing by them and shushing them angrily. After she walks away Jihoon looks him in the eye with his trademark what the hell Woojin glare, to which the younger imitates his shrug.  

Jihoon doesn’t know why but one day he ends up knocking on Woojin’s door, barging past him when he opens it to fall onto his bed with no explanation.

“Um, why are you here?”

“Well, Donghan is busy and so are my other friends so I thought to myself, who better to hang out with than Woojin?”

He doesn’t have to look at Woojin to know that he’s rolling his eyes. “I appreciate your enthusiasm to be hanging out with me.”

Jihoon waves his annoyed tone off, “So are you an interesting person or should I have just stayed home and rolled around in bed all day?”

“Sorry to break it to you but I really don’t do much.”

Jihoon groans as he sits back up, scanning the room. His eyes fall on a keyboard in the far corner of the room. “You play piano?”

Woojin follows his gaze to the keyboard, “I’m not great or anything, I just know a few pieces.”

“Play me something, then.”

Woojin blinks in confusion, “What?”

Jihoon falls back onto the bed, closing his eyes. “I said play me something.”

After a few seconds he hears shuffling, “Alright.”

The simply melody reaches his ears, the gentleness of it is somewhat soothing to him. It’s pretty, not something he expects from Woojin, but then again, he always had a habit of surprising him.

He plays three more songs after that and Jihoon feels so serene, listening to the melody of the piano match the faint pumping of his veins. It’s surprising how weird it could have been with Jihoon barging into Woojin’s room, but it isn’t. It’s even more surprising that Jihoon can just sit in his company and not feel the need to talk. And even though they had been doing that for a while with their study sessions in the library, being in Woojin’s room is different because it’s smaller and it really is just them two—yet he doesn't feel out of place. 

He still doesn’t know what had made him come to Woojin’s room in the first place, but somehow it feels like the right decision.

"You weren't kidding about being a talent spitting machine, huh?" The words come out before he can stop them. It's only when Woojin stops playing does he realize that sounds way more friendly than he wanted it to be. "I didn't mean to say that." He adds in an unintelligent attempt to salvage his pride. 

"Yes you did."

Okay, coming there was definitely not the right decision.

There’s a companionable feeling that settles between them, somewhere bordering friendliness but never without the bickering. They even manage to make jokes without either of them having to hold back their laughter. It’s alarmingly comfortable that it sometimes has Jihoon up at night wondering why they’re getting along so well.

After history they’re walking across campus and Woojin looks like he has something on the tip of tongue but is debating whether or not to let it slip, “What’s got you making your intense thinking face?”

The younger snaps out of his reverie with Jihoon’s voice, “I— what?”

“You look like you have something you wanna say.”

“Oh it was nothing I was just—um my friends are going out for sushi tonight and I was just wondering if you wanna come with? You don’t have to I was just suggesting if you didn’t have any dinner plans then..”

Woojin trails off, his body twisting the opposite way and he walks while staring at the part of the sky that Jihoon isn’t facing. It takes him a while to notice that Jihoon is still standing where Woojin had ended his offer and he looks back apprehensively. “Sure, I’ll come.”

“Really?” Woojin questions almost skeptically, like he expected to be rejected.

Jihoon nods, lips pressed tightly together. “I’ve been craving sushi anyways, might as well join, right?”

“Uh, right.” Woojin stares at his feet, “Well, Youngmin is driving so I’ll text you when we’re near your house?”

“Sure.” They linger for a while longer before Woojin gestures at his dorm building and waves goodbye to Jihoon. Jihoon watches on as Woojin manages to catch himself before flipping completely over the garbage can that he ends up walking into.

“Nice going! Very graceful!” Jihoon yells out with a smile.

“Shut up!” He hears Woojin screech in his high-pitched annoyed voice, snickering as he watches the people around Woojin turn heads to figure out what in lord’s name that shrilly noise was.

(4:54) woojin : hey you sure you okay with this

(4:56) jihoon : with what?

(4:57) woojin : idk I thought you might be a little uncomfortable being around my friends

(4:58) jihoon : I think u may have forgotten that I’m great with ppl

(4:58) jihoon : I’ll be fine

(4:59) woojin : okay if you say so

(4:59) woojin : we’ll be there around 7ish? I’ll text you again when we’re close

(5:00) jihoon : mhm, got it

(5:01) woojin : oh and heads up, if the name ‘jinyoung’ is ever brought up

(5:01) woojin : daehwi might actually kill you if you say something

(5:02) jihoon : jinyoung? bae jinyoung or another jinyoung?

(5:02) woojin : yeah bae jinyoung.. do you know him?

(5:03) jihoon : uhh kinda

(5:03) jihoon : he’s my neighbor

(5:04) woojin : oh

(5:04) woojin : wait he lives beside you??

(5:05) jihoon : yeah lol we’re not close but I see him omw to school

(5:06) woojin : hmm, interesting information

(5:06) jihoon : daehwi hates you doesn’t he

(5:07) woojin : of course, it's the only way to feel about me

(5:08) jihoon : well ur not wrong

(5:09) woojin : I would have appreciated if you disagreed but I walked into that

(5:09) jihoon : yes u did

Their dinner plans are on Jihoon’s mind for longer than he wants it to be and all he wants to do is take a small nap or maybe even do something productive before he leaves the house but for some reason he can’t get the thought of it out of his head.

“Is it weird to go out for dinner with the person you hate and his friends?” Jihoon blurts out after half an hour of tossing and turning in his failed attempt to take a short nap.

“Well I’m not sure hate is the word I’d use to describe your feelings for him.”

“What are you talking about? It’s the most accurate I can get! I hate him!”

Donghan scoffs, “You don’t mean that.” He says disapprovingly.

Jihoon splutters at the accusation, “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because this is the sixth time you’ve brought him up today.”

“So?”

‘I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be this obsessive and worried over someone I hate.”

“I’m not obsessive!” Jihoon shrieks. Maybe it was a bad idea to talk to Donghan. He should have just kept his mouth shut.

“Okay then yeah, you hate him. And that’s why you know what his favorite episode of Friends is and how you found out that he has a scar of his left elbow from the one time he wore a shirt on the day you freaked out because he only ever wears sweatshirts and hoodies. And you know his exact order from Starbucks word for word and for some reason, God knows why, you feel the need to recite it in a mocking voice, trying to insist that you’re annoyed with how extra he is.”

Jihoon thinks that Donghan is being ridiculous. So what if he knows some facts about Woojin? That isn’t because they’re like best friends or anything, Woojin just talks a lot—way more than he thought he would. He also had found out some of the things from his conversations with Woojin as winkly, though Donghan doesn’t know about that situation. And in any case, his initial plan was to to find things out about Woojin that he could use for revenge. And evne though that might not be his priority any more, that doesn't mean he actually cares that much about Woojin, right? 

He shakes the incoming hesitancy off and lets the train of thought crash into the clouds as he pulls the covers over his head, in his third attempt to sleep.

He later comes to regret his decision to fall asleep because he wakes up at 6:45 and fumbles out of bed when he realizes he didn’t even give himself enough time to get ready. He’s pacing back and forth in his room when he realizes all of his nice colored sweaters are in the wash and his hair is an absolute wreck and , why does he even care?

In the end he opts for stealing one of Donghan’s sweatshirts that’s a size too big for him and not at all a color he would wear on a daily basis (it’s black and he looks like Woojin had dressed him) but it’s the first thing he grabs out of his closet.

Woojin texts him at 6:54 telling him they’re a few minutes away and he spends the rest of his waiting time fixing his hair even though Donghan is telling him that he looks fine.

“I have a reputation, okay! I’m meeting them for the first time.”

“Gotta make a good impression on the family, huh?” Jihoon throws water bottle at his friend.

He rushes out of the door when he sees a car pull up into their driveway and Donghan wishes him luck for a reason he can’t comprehend. He scoots into the backseat beside Woojin and the group exchange hellos. He’s thankful they’re going somewhere close because it’s easier to focus on conversation when he’s not practically pressed up against Woojin’s side and he smells kind of good and he’s not supposed to but he does.

“So, Jihoon told me that a certain someone lives in a house right next to him.” Woojin elbows Daehwi suggestively and the younger’s jaw drops.

“You live next to Jinyoung?!”

Jihoon nods, jumping slightly when the blonde shrieks into his hands. “Why did you tell me that?! What if I accidentally let it slip out that I know where he lives and he thinks I’m a stalker!”

“Don’t overthink it, Daehwi.” Donghyun says reassuringly from the passenger seat, “If it ever happens just say that you know his neighbor and you found out through him by coincidence.”

“Okay but why would his neighbor be telling me that he lived there unless I was specifically asking him about it?”

“Chill, kid. You won’t slip up. I think you’re smart enough not to jeopardize your chances.”

He hears Woojin laugh beside him, “He’s totally gonna mess up.”

Daehwi and Woojin continue to fight the rest of the way there and Jihoon feels a little out of place but he can definitely tell that (despite the play fighting happening right beside him) they have a nice bond going on. It’s a different side to Woojin, maybe now it’s the only side to him but it’s only now that Jihoon is seeing it.

They’re heading into the restaurant and everything is (relatively) calm, until the group spots Jinyoung walking out of the restaurant with a friend at the same time they’re walking in. Daehwi moves to hide behind Donghyun but Jinyoung spots him and walks over to them with a smile.

Huh.

“Hey, Daehwi!” Jinyoung greets him cheerfully and Daehwi smiles back, only being able to muster up enough courage to raise his hand to give him a small wave.

Jihoon slides into the far end of the booth, Woojin on his left and Youngmin and Donghyun in front of them. Daehwi had gone to the bathroom and the two across from him were setting up the table.

Jihoon pokes Woojin’s thigh to get his attention, “Has Daehwi ever noticed?”

“Noticed what?”

“How Jinyoung only seems to smile at him.”

Woojin quirks a brow, “What do you mean?”

“Well it’s just that in the times I’ve seen him, he’s only ever looked gloomy? Like I saw him smile the second he saw Daehwi and it was such a foreign sight.”

The younger looks at him curiously, “You’re pretty observant, aren’t you?”

Jihoon grins, “Or maybe you’re just dumb.”

Throughout the course of dinner Jihoon mostly stays quiet and listens to them talk. Daehwi rants a lot about Jinyoung despite the fact that Jihoon is there and it’s obvious at this point that he knows that Daehwi has a crush on his neighbor, and Jihoon’s heart sort of swells at the thought of being trusted by the blonde kid. He really is getting too soft.

Later they’re telling him stories about Woojin—some of them are rather embarrassing and Jihoon can see the bright red on the tips of his ears. Youngmin pulls out his phone suddenly, “I have a video of him singing to Only One, do you wanna see it?”

Woojin’s hands fly out to in front of him to block Youngmin from passing his phone to Jihoon but Jihoon fights him off until Daehwi has Woojin’s hands held behind his back. Woojin growls, “I’m gonna kick your phone into the soup, Youngmin.”

Jihoon raises the phone higher when Woojin tries to lift his foot from under the table but ends up bumping his knee hard into the bottom of the table. Jihoon can hear Woojin’s loud protests as he laughs at the video and there are people from other tables staring at them but this is the biggest laugh he’s had in a while and wow Woojin’s dark past doesn’t even stop there. By the end of the night there all laughing at the various embarrassing pictures that Youngmin has saved on his phone and Woojin spends most of it threatening to end their friendships.

Woojin offers to walk him to his door when they reach his house even though Jihoon insists he’ll be fine. The younger follows him out of the car anyways and walks a step behind him until they reach his porch.

“Thanks for inviting me out tonight.”

“It was nice getting to hear you laugh.” Woojin admits with a smile, snaggletooth peeking out and Jihoon has to avert his gaze before he can commit the sight to memory.

“Well, I‘ll see you around at the library I guess?”

“Yeah, sleep well.”

The younger waves at him before he turns around to enter his house, “You too.” He returns quietly before stepping in and watching as Woojin walks back to the car.

He actually does sleep well that night.

we're outsiders looking in
our masks are wearing thin

“Why didn’t you ever try out for the basketball team?” Jihoon asks him out of nowhere. Both of them know that they haven’t been focused on any actual work for a while, so Jihoon stops pretending to be a good exemplary student and fight his fatigue with conversation. They’re in what has now basically become Their corner of the library—much like how the specific high chairs at the diner have become Their spot and it’s a little strange that they have so many places that they call ‘ours’.

Woojin looks confused at first, like he’d forgotten he had even played basketball. Jihoon sees the lightbulb go on in his head a few seconds after, “I guess it was mostly due to my anxiety? Like I could play outside on the courts with other kids just for fun, but the thought of being in the sport competitively was a little jarring.”

“Anxiety?”

Woojin nods, “I played in a basketball game when I was younger. But I couldn’t play properly because all I could think about was all of the eyes on me and how everyone would laugh at me or get mad at me if I couldn’t make a shot after getting the ball. And then on the court I had started to purposefully hide away so no one would pass me it. I finally decided that it wasn’t worth it and I gave it up.”

Jihoon had always seen Woojin as someone who had utmost confidence in himself, maybe even thought of him to be arrogant. How could he have seemed so pretentious and egotistic back then, but not a tinge bit now? Had he really just changed or was he never what Jihoon had thought of him to be in the first place?

But then again, all Woojin had ever shown him was harsh side of him. How could someone who was the leader of a group of bullies have social anxiety?

“How come you’re able to do dance competitions?”

The look in his eyes is instantly different when the topic of dance comes up. “I mean at first my stage fright was really bad. But I think I realized that I liked it enough to deal with it. And then as the years went on, I gained more confidence in my skills and now I’m kind of in my element when I’m on stage? I mean I still feel terrified when I’m up in front of dozens of people, but I’ve grown to love it so much that I’m able get lost in it enough to keep me grounded.”

It’s a passion that Jihoon has never seen in anyone before. He can tell by the way Woojin’s eyes light up and how his gestures get bigger. He’s sitting on the edge of his seat now with a smile on his face.

Woojin goes on about how the first time he had performed on stage with a crew, he had made a tiny mistake. And though it was usually in his nature to beat himself up about even the tiniest mistake until he managed convinced himself that embarrassing himself wasn’t worth it, instead he had taken it as a means of working even harder—to do better. It was then that he realized that dancing was more than just a hobby to him. It was something that he really wanted to excel at, something he wanted to continue to do for as long as he could.

There’s something kind of charming in how increasingly excited Woojin gets when talking about his competition pieces. As much as he wants to convince himself that he’s bored of Woojin’s voice, he isn’t. There’s just so much enthusiasm that he had never seen in him before and it’s engaging. He starts to delve into how he felt about winning first place in his third year of dancing until he becomes aware of how much he’s talking and stops himself abruptly in the middle of his sentence.

“—I’m talking too much aren’t I?” Jihoon just shakes his head, belatedly noticing how much further he had leaned into the table with his chin resting in his hands. Woojin scratches the back of his neck, “I’ve been talking for like ten minutes straight, you should have stopped me..”

“It was interesting,” He says without thinking, but before Woojin can live out the rest of his shock he adds, “That’s a rare thing with you.”

Woojin’s lips draw back in a snarl immediately, “I should have known.”

Jihoon smirks, “You gotta be quick on your feet, Park B.”

“Why am I Park B?” Woojin protests, crossing his arms and furrowing his eyebrows and Jihoon immediately tries to flood his mind with images of puppies so he can justify the word ‘cute’ floating through his head.

“Because I’m the most superior Park.”

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

Woojin sticks his nose in the air, “Who says you get to make the rules?”

“I’m the older one.”

The raven-haired boy scoffs, “By like five months, that’s hardly substantial.”

“Hm, so you remember my birthday?”

Woojin sputters, “I-I’m just really good at remembering birthdays, okay? No need to question me.”

Jihoon quirks an eyebrow, smirk growing wider, “Oh yeah? When’s your friend Janghyun’s birthday?”

The air goes silent and when Woojin tenses up so does the atmosphere. Jihoon, of course, doesn’t know the reason for it. He watches as Woojin does that thing where he picks at the skin near his fingernail, “It’s.. it’s been a while.”

Even though Jihoon notices the shift he doesn’t show it, “So you remember your victim’s birthday but not your friend’s? Wow you really did take the ‘keep your enemies close and your friends closer’ thing to heart.”

Woojin attempts to clear his throat and tries to act like he hasn’t suddenly gotten more restless but Jihoon can tell something is off. Maybe the two of them had ended on bad terms as well? Jihoon can’t remember much about Janghyun, all he knows that he had seen him with Woojin a lot before he had suddenly changed.

The silence comes back but Jihoon no longer knows what to do to break it. He thinks that if he says anything more he might end up unweaving their carefully formed bond, messing up something good to happen to him like he always does.

After what feels like hours Woojin finally speaks up, “I.. I liked him.” Well of course he liked Janghyun, he was his friend. Jihoon isn’t quite sure what he’s trying to say. “I liked him as more than a friend.”

It takes Jihoon longer than it should to process what Woojin says. Is Woojin—the boy who had picked on him because he was gay—trying to say that he likes boys?

“What.. do you mean?” He knows it’s a dumb question, he understands what he said perfectly fine. But even then he still doesn’t understand it.

“Um, I’m not really sure how else I can word it..”

“Wait,” Jihoon holds an index finger up, pausing for a beat, “So what you’re trying to say is that you’re..”

“Gay.” Woojin says forthrightly. And he sounds so sure of himself that it only confuses Jihoon even more. None of this is making sense to him and he’s beginning to wonder if this is just one of his vivid dreams messing with him. Why can’t he wake up?

“if you’re telling the truth, then why..” Jihoon speaks slowly. He trails off when their story reaches the part of their past that they’ve never properly discussed with each other.

Woojin continues in lieu of Jihoon’s silence, “One night during dinner I had told my mother about him.. It was an innocent hope that they would finally pay attention to me for something other than my grades but she—“ He shuts his eyes for a second, he becomes noticeably shakier as he continues in a hushed voice, “She yelled at me for making a ‘bad joke’, she told me that I shouldn’t joke like that again but I told her I wasn’t.

“I had meant what I said about liking him and she called me selfish. That I wasn’t thinking about how people would view our family if they ever found out and— she forced me to repeat that boys only like girls every day. She drilled it into my head and when I tried to disagree she would.. hit me. She hit me and made me feel guilty until I believed her. I believed her and everyone who said that there was something wrong with me.”

The pauses the Woojin uses to take in a breath is deafening to Jihoon.

“—and those boys.. they became the voices in my head telling me you were wrong even though for a long time I knew there was nothing wrong about you.. But I think at one point I started to hate myself so much that I began to believe there really was something wrong with me. And I let that drive me to.. hurt you.”

The last part of his sentence would have inaudible if Jihoon hadn’t been leaning in closer every time Woojin started to lower his voice.

“What happened?” Jihoon starts apprehensively, “To you and your mother? Did she continue to hurt you? Does she still..?”

Woojin shakes his head and forces out a laugh that ends up being laced with bitter. “She passed away that summer. And I think after that I had repressed all memories of her, to the point where I made myself believe that she was nice to me, that she loved me. But she never did..”

“You know, I’m beginning to think that saying is pretty toxic, ‘blood is thicker than water’. Is family still the most important even when your friends show you conditional love but your family only hurts you?” Jihoon wonders reflectively, and he can tell by the look on Woojin's face that he hadn't expect Jihoon to take what he had said so calmly, like he would get mad and think that he was trying to justify his actions. “Maybe that’s why I was so mad at you for so long. I was mad that you took away my only family, but now that I think about it, my father never really acted like one. We just.. lived in the same place and I always wanted him to feel proud of me but he never did. And he never will.” He sees Woojin shift uncomfortably from the corner of his eye. “But lately.. I’ve been coming to terms with being okay with that. If he was never going to accept who I was, why would I want to stay?”

Woojin meets his eyes but he’s not met with pity like he expects to be, only understanding.

Jihoon continues after a short while, “And anyways, I found Donghan. His family had taken in some kid crying in the middle of the road and gave him a home, gave him a family. I have so much to be grateful for yet I’m still a huge, sad ing mess.”

Woojin finally speaks up, “Just because you have reasons to be happy, doesn’t mean you don’t have reasons to be sad.” Jihoon isn’t sure if he wants to know that Woojin, of all people, is the one who seems to understand him far more than most people. It’s like he’s inside his head and he can see the world through his eyes. He begins to realize just how alike they are. They’re climbing the same mountain, desperate to get away from the demons of their pasts. For the longest time Jihoon had only thought that Woojin was trying to pull him back down, but maybe he was only trying escape too. “But it also doesn’t mean you should try to push away the people who only want to help you.”

Jihoon doesn’t usually get nervous around people, but at some point he finds himself fiddling with his fingers, “Is it selfish that I might be showcasing my negativity so people will continue to worry and take care of me?”

Woojin purses his lips, “Maybe, but it’s understandable.” He adds insightfully, “But maybe you should also think about how they feel, watching you continue to hurt until they feel so helpless because they’re not really sure if there’s anything left for them to do.”

As much as it pains the brunette to admit it, Woojin is probably right, about a lot of things tonight. How would Donghan feel? Watching Jihoon pretend he’s okay when even Jihoon knows that it’s becoming increasingly clear that he isn’t.

He begins to think that lying is becoming a daily practice. It’s something that’s encouraged by the things he sees in others and wants to have but thinks he can’t, so he fills the void with fake feelings and feigned cheeriness. Maybe it’s finally time, to stop telling himself to find happiness and actually get up and do it. He wants to find his purpose, bit by bit in barrages of honesty towards himself and towards Donghan. He hates the irony in the fact that his days are filled with nightmares and his nights are filled with daydreams.

But how do you even begin to look for happiness when all you’ve ever known is hate towards yourself? He’s always thought of himself as a book with an alluring color but tattered bindings, one that people would pick up at first sight, but put back when they realize it’s shabby. He’s just a dim amber in a sea of gold. And he really wants to stop thinking so lowly of himself but it’s all he’s known for so long that he doesn’t know how to stop hating himself. It’s like he’s stuck driving in the middle lane and the only focus he has is staying between the lines, where his fears can’t hurt him anymore than he already is.

He looks up when he feels Woojin’s eyes on him. He expects the younger to shy away like he always does when someone holds eye contact with him for too long, but he doesn’t, and it almost makes Jihoon want to shy away instead. “I really am sorry.” Woojin states in a soft voice, eyes still locked with Jihoon’s.

“I know.”

For a while they just look at each other. And Jihoon doesn’t know if it's because he was so unwilling to spare a glance Woojin’s way before they started to talk but only now does he realize just how nicely Woojin has grown up. His skin is a gorgeous tan shade—it almost glistens in the dull of the room and he doesn’t know how because the lighting is horrible in this area of the library but it does. His dark hair seems to compliment it even more, and its messy but it still manages to look good.

Woojin in a breath that breaks the quiet, placing his hands on his knees before deciding, “This is getting a little too depressing don’t you think? Maybe we should get some ice cream or something.”

Jihoon snorts, burying his face into his hoodie to hide any possible color that might have dusted his cheeks from the sudden infiltration of thoughts, “Won’t eating ice cream just amplify our sadness?”

Woojin bites down on the side of his cheek, nose scrunching up, “True.. how about a Starbucks run?”

“It’s nine in the evening, I’m pretty sure they’re all closed by now.” Jihoon shakes his head in mock-exasperation, “You’re terrible at this.”

The younger’s nostrils flare up humorously and Jihoon has to bite back a laugh, “Fine! Then what do you suggest?”

Jihoon’s eyes fall down to his right side as he thinks about it, “Hmm, we could order chicken and maybe have a can of beer?”

Woojin seems to be satisfied with his answer but looks like he’s trying not to let it show in order to not inflate Jihoon’s ego, but Jihoon has come to grasp how terrible Woojin is at lying. “In my dorm?”

Jihoon nods and they pack up their long neglected notes and head for the dorms.

They end up in Woojin’s room, table pressed up against his bed and a box of chicken and empty cans of beers resting on top of it. Woojin’s laptop is placed in the middle of the table and the two of them are leaning back on the wall with pillows propped up behind them, laughing at some remake of a drama that they can’t even remember the name of anymore because it's just that ridiculous.

“Why are people so stupid?”

“Right? That’s a question I ask myself every time I see you.”

Woojin hits Jihoon on the head with his empty beer can, eliciting a loud “hey!” and sparking a violent pillow fight in which Woojin swears Jihoon had almost managed to knock his teeth out. In the midst of their sudden war, Woojin knocks over Jihoon’s stack of notebooks onto the floor.

“Whoops.”

Jihoon is breathing heavily, crawling off the other side of the bed, “Pick my stuff up, you clumsy dork. I’m gonna get some water.”

Woojin puts his pillow down and jumps across to the other side of the room, bending down to collect the notebooks and papers that were sprawled all over his floor. As he’s picking up the last notebook, he catches a glimpse of his name written on the page it had been open up to.

100717

Donghan told me that I should start writing about things that happen to me during the day and let out any feelings I have on paper. He keeps telling me it’s a journal but it definitely feels like I’m writing some sort of diary entry. But it's not a diary, I didn’t even start it with ‘dear diary’, so it's not. It’s just a paper with words about my emotions and it exists.

Woojin chuckles, even on paper Jihoon sounds so Jihoon, he finds it amusing.

A few days ago I found out who my online friend was. It was probably the most disappointing thing to ever happen to me, I swear the universe hates me. Out of all people, chamsaes ended up being Woojin?? I feel like he might be doing it to make fun of me, to find out things about me so he can spread rumors and come back to finish the job. Was ruining my life back in middle school not enough for him? Well not today satan, he’s gonna get what’s coming for him. I don’t care if I have to talk to him for months as winkly, I’m gonna find some dirt on him and ruin his life.

He feels a lump grow in his throat as realization dawns on him. Jihoon is winkly, and he’s known for a while that Woojin is chamsaes. He looks up at Jihoon who already seems to know what he’s reading by the look on his face.

“Woojin—“

“You’re winkly.” He says quietly. Jihoon’s mouth is open like he wants to say something but it won’t come out. “You knew, and you befriended me to get revenge..?”

There’s a small crack in his voice that’s hardly distinguishable with how quite he had gotten.

“No, that’s not—Well, I..” Jihoon cuts himself off, like he doesn’t have an explanation for it, because it’s true.

“Um,” Woojin stuffs all of the papers into Jihoon’s bag and holds it out for him, not looking him in the eye, “Maybe you should go.”

Jihoon stares at the bag for a while, but nothing more is said after he grabs it from Woojin and makes his way out the door.

Woojin closes the door behind him and Jihoon is left standing in the hall alone, staring at the floor. And Jihoon has seen this hallway way too many times; he’s left rooms similar to Woojin’s without second thought or care, but not once has he wanted to push his way back into the room as much as he did now.

A/N: 

i kind of hate myself for this chapter lol i was having a really hard time with the slowburn friendship im not sure if it ended up being believable?? 

anyways im sorry that this fic is like the slowest of slowburns but i really just wanted to flesh it out a bit more. i promise the next chapter will be better because i have the shortest break from uni so i think i'll be able to finally focus on a chapter for once without being stressed out about neglecting school work