August 11, 2021

“Hmm…”

I stirred in my sleep.

“Seul ah…”

My eyes squinted under the gentle rays of the sun from the window. 

“You know I love the sunlight but can you close the curtains please…”

Minutes later, I felt the wind from the window blow on my body. Feeling cold, I continue to snuggle in my blanket.

“Seulgiiiii~, its cold…”

No response. My body was still cold. Why aren’t you keeping me warm?

Turning my body to cuddle you with my eyes still closed, I felt the other side of our bed and I was met with an empty space. Grumbling, I continued to feel the space and I can only feel the cold temperature of the blankets. “Seulgi ah, where---“

And that was when realization hit me.

You’re not here anymore.

With a sigh, I sat up from our bed and I saw our picture by the bedside table.

The happy times.

With a deep sigh, I looked down and saw bottles of alcohol in our room everywhere. Why was it there again? Oh right, I spent all my time last night burying myself in our memories coupled with a few bottles of beer. Why was I drinking again? Oh that's right. It's been a year since you left; a freaking year since I woke up without you by my side,a freaking year since I last saw your eyesmile, a freaking year since I last felt the warmth of your touch and a freaking year since my life became the hell that it is now.

Yes, it’s already been a year and the pain still hasn’t subsided. On the contrary, it seemed to be getting stronger day by day. Why? Why did you suddenly leave me like that?

Tears were starting to fill up the corners of my eyes again and I brushed them off and decided to start showering. When I entered our bathroom and picked up my toothbrush, I faced the mirror and I could see the Polaroid pictures of us that you stuck in there. I used to complain to you all the time that this was just unnecessary and should be removed but you (and your artistic self) told me that they add personality to the room; to which I immediately complied because I don't have a single artistic bone in my body. It was always a source of our petty fights, I remember. But now, even if you're gone, I never had the thought of removing them because they were a reminder of our memories together.

Shrugging it all off, I entered the shower room and turned the knob. Streaks of cold water struck my body and I felt that pain in my chest again and before I knew it, I was crying. I cried and cried for God knows how long.

Shi*! Stop crying for goodness sake! STOP! CRYING!

My cries were muffled by the sound of the shower. This action is becoming a habit for me ever since you died. Maybe it’s just a coping mechanism for me but I rarely cry in front of others ever since you died. You always told me to open up to more people besides you.

But what you didn't know was that I didn't need to open up to others. You were more than enough. You were all I ever needed.

Why? Why did you have to leave me? We were still together the day before that and then suddenly the next day you left? Why? 

Why Seulgi ah? Why? WHY?!

Funny, I still ask you even though I know the answer to the question. It's me. ME. This was my entire fault. If only I had valued you more, if only I had been a better wife to you, if only I had been always there for you, if only I had shown you how much I love you, you wouldn’t have left. It’s my fault.

This is all my fault. This is all my fault. This is all my fault. This is all my fault. 

No matter what people say, I know that it’s my fault. I was the reason you left. If only I wasn’t so stupid, you wouldn’t have left. You would have been with me right now, embracing me with your bear like hugs like always. Why? Why was I so stupid?

Stupid. Pabo Joohyun.