I’ve been busier in acting lately. My filming schedule starts at the end of January so I barely have time to involve in music to be honest. Getting to know new people is awkward at first but also fun. Well, to be honest I feel really awkward in most of the first scenes because there are so many guys, to say in exact, princes. But, the good thing is that I also have some good girlfriends. It’s our first meeting and we get close pretty fast. One of the girls, Kang Hanna really makes me think of Inna unnie. She’s refreshing, kiddy and somewhat laid-back, which makes me feel like a piece of puzzle that I lack of. That’s what Yoo Inna has on me too.

“Jieun ah, what’s your favourite type of music?” – Hanna is good at making questions whenever we have a break.

“A lot unnie. I listen to everything actually.” – It’s really hard for me to answer that question though.

“This answer is definitely irritating the questioner, do you know?” – Hanna pushes my forehand – “Do you like any group of kpop?”

I look at her with a chuckle. She surely is a childish unnie, just like Yoo Inna.

“Oh…” – I can’t think of any group until there’s a fact I just can’t believe I forget about it – “Ah.. Bigbang. I’m a huge Bigbang’s fan. Their music is great.”

“Ah… gotcha. Taeyang?” – I already know who she is going to mention anyway.

“That was in the past unnie.” – I giggle and explain to her – “Actually, I was a huge fan of him during those days. You know what it feels like when you finally meet your idol right?”

“You’re really popular when it comes to Taeyang. Almost everyone knows about your crush to him.” – Hanna still has a big smile on her face, which makes me a little bit embarrassed – “But that’s fine. It was all the past.”

I’m still wondering if I have developed any other feelings toward Taeyang sunbaenim during that time. I wonder if it was just a feeling of idolizing or if it had been increasing to some kinds of other feelings during those days. But to be honest, when I look at him during the show last time we were in together, I did not find him attractive anymore. To be exact, he was still attractive but I think my immunity had been built up. I didn’t feel excited anymore. When Bigbang had a comeback, I was still updating as much as I could. Their music has always been so great, and it was a part of my old days. They are also the inspiration for me to try even harder in this industry. But… there was actually another reason too. Someone got my eyes more than I expected, Jiyong sunbaenim, no, Jiyong oppa? His motion, his voice, his movement, his eyes and his intention somewhat make me a little fluster and confused. I had wondered if he had always been kind to female artist this much, like when he helped me with my skirt, helped me to put the chair and helped me to say that I should do this on recording and he approached me in a way that people often called what, natural and polite? Or maybe, it was just because I was the only female in the room?

He really got me attention instead of Taeyang sunbaenim, someone I had thought would always be the sun in my life. I had thought I had long affections toward him, even if it was just a feeling of idolizing. But, somehow, things change after all. People change after all, right?

Touring is fun, and worn me out. Going in between Korea and Japan seems like forever to me. Whenever I go back to Korea, I feel like I’m free from those haunted reminiscences. Whenever I come back to Japan, I feel like those memories have always been there haunting me. I’m stuck in between cannot let go of anything I’d always wanted to either remember or forget, and thanks god I’m finally home again. Nothing is as sweet as the feeling of being home. Ironily, it’s the place I have always spent all the night just to think of how painful it is to let her go or to think of how happy it is to have her with me. I laugh but then I cry, out of no sound. It’s the place I let go of everything I have been restraining my mind when I’m around people.

And it’s also the place I have my own space. With Iye. He’s been here for a while. He’s also a relaxing pill for me; he makes me forget things temporarily; and even if it’s just temporary, it helps a lot.

Putting a random song in a cold rainy day, I close my eyes and rest my head on the pillow. In a second, the guitar reminds me of a melody I’ve listened to before. I felt like I knew this melody because it sounds too familiar. Was it ‘The Shower’ of Jieun? That song. Right. Oh wait, is it talking about rain too? That’s fascinating. I think I’ve listened to that song one time, when I checked out her album. Guitar melody always catches my attention, and that’s properly not what people think of me when most of the song I’ve written is in hip-hop genre. I do like a lot of different kinds of genre, not just hip-hop. And right now, I’m about to check out that song again.

Her lyrics are really delightful. I wonder how she wrote this song and what inspired her. I wonder if it was about her boyfriend. Does he… become a drop of rain that pool her drought up? Something in her lyrics… sounds so… sincere and pure. Somehow, I can imagine her feelings in this song. She’s so much in love, isn’t she? How could she demonstrate such a, I don’t know, a desirable feeling that everyone wants to feel once in a lifetime? Have I ever felt this kind of love before? I sure have, when I was with that girl. I think she did that to me too. So I could never hate her, even if I wish I could. It would have been easier for me if I could. But life is always hard, I know.

Why am I being emotional again? It’s because of that song. Her lyrics. It should be Jieun’s fault.

Kwon Jiyong: Hey actress

Kwon Jiyong: How are you doing?

I’m still not surprised any less than before. But, I do feel a little happy whenever I receive a text from this particular one.

Jieun: Hello oppa

Jieun: I’m good

Jieun: Busy with filming

Jieun: Oppa ote? (How about oppa?)

Kwon Jiyong: So-so

Kwon Jiyong: In a cold and rainy day like this

Kwon Jiyong: I was searching for a song that suits this atmostphere

Kwon Jiyong: and I found your song

Kwon Jiyong: The Shower

He listens to my music? He does? This really surprises me. Is it the feeling of your idol finally recognizing your song?

Jieun: Jinjja? (Really?)

That’s the only word I can think of right now.

She seems taken back? I wonder why. I’m actually listening to a lot of other artists’ songs.

Kwon Jiyong: Jinjja (Really)

Kwon Jiyong: Why? You seems surprised

Jieun: Yea…

Jieun: I never think you will listen to my songs.

Kwon Jiyong: Why?

Kwon Jiyong: I don’t look that arrogant to not listen to any other songs

Kwon Jiyong: Especially songs from artists like you

Jieun: Woa…

Jieun: Such a honor…

Jieun: Thank you oppa

I chuckle. What did I do to have her saying thank you? I’m just a listener to her song. She’s so… funny and… kinda adorable.

Kwon Jiyong: Why thank me?

Kwon Jiyong: I’m just a listener, like other people.

Jieun: No oppa

Jieun: If you ever have your idol listening to your song, you will probably understand my feelings right now.

Jieun: It’s really… amazing.

Right. I think I can relate to that when I first met Pharrell and he said he had known me for many songs. It was really an amazing feeling. It still amazes me, somehow.

Kwon Jiyong: Alright

Kwon Jiyong: Then

Kwon Jiyong: You’re welcome Jieunie

I think he just returns to be Kwon Jiyong, the humorous Jiyong.

Kwon Jiyong: So

Kwon Jiyong: How’s your acting going on?

Jieun: Not too bad

Jieun: I guess

Kwon Jiyong: Why does it sound not so confident?

Jieun: It’s just a few days first oppa

Jieun: But it’s fun too

Jieun: I got to wear a lot of traditional dress

Kwon Jiyong: Ah

Kwon Jiyong: So you’re going to be a princess?

Kwon Jiyong: Wait no

Kwon Jiyong: It’s not about princess right?

Kwon Jiyong: What is it about again?

He makes me laugh a lot just by reading his texts. It’s relaxing.

Jieun: kkkkkk

Jieun: It’s about princes, not princess oppa

Jieun: I’m just a normal girl

Jieun: Do you know Bubujingxin?

Jieun: It’s Chinese drama

Gosh, what is that? She should know I don’t have time to even watch Korean dramas and now she mention some Chinese dramas that I don’t even have an idea about.

Kwon Jiyong: Sorry Jieun

Kwon Jiyong: No

Kwon Jiyong: What is that?

Jieun: I know kkkkkkkk

Jieun: I’m asking just in case

Jieun: It’s about a girl who goes back in time due to an incident and she goes back to the past

Jieun: Well, in Korean version, the girl goes back to Goryeo era.

Kwon Jiyong: Goryeo?

Kwon Jiyong: Not Joseon?

Kwon Jiyong: That long? Woa…

Kwon Jiyong: Wait

Kwon Jiyong: So you’re going to wear something different?

I’m curious at how she looks like in those traditional dresses. She’s tiny. She must be cute in those clothes. Wait, did I just think she is cute? Nevermind.

Jieun: I guess so

Kwon Jiyong: I’m curious

Jieun: Sorry oppa

Jieun: No spoiler for you

I chuckle. This girl surely knows how to handle situation professionally.

Kwon Jiyong: I’m not asking

Kwon Jiyong: Just do well

Kwon Jiyong: Jieun

“Jieun ah… do you want to go to BIGBANG concert this March?” – Inna stops combing my hair to count something by her hands – “I think it’s on the 4, 5 and 6. Do you have time?”

“Oh… Really?” – I’m too exhausted for filming these days so I’m kinda distracted.

“Jieun ah…” – Inna pulls my hair hardly, which comes along a tiny scream of mine – “I ask if you have time?”

“Ah.. sorry unnie. I’m a little time-out. Time for what?” – I widen my eyes before I just remember what her question is – “Ah… BIGBANG concert? Is it the Final concert? I don’t know. I don’t have my schedule in March yet.”

“Aigoo. Jieunie have worked so hard.” – Inna ticks my head – “Do you want to go? I think one day is fine because it’s at night anyway.”

“I want to of course. But I have to get my schedule first.”

“Answer me early so I can get tickets from them.” – Inna winks at me – “It’s easy for me to get tickets, you know that right?”

“Yeah yeah… I think that’s why I try to get close to you. Having someone in YG can help me a lot.” – I try to and after that is a hard tickling battle between me and Inna.

I want to go, really. I have always enjoyed watching them for so long. Also, I want to see them performing their latest songs in their recent album. And… somehow, I think I want to watch someone particularly this time. Somehow, it’s not the same person that I used to keep my eyes on in the past.