After releasing the album, my phone is being utilized the greatest amount of work, I believe. The battery goes straight from 100% to 48% in two hours. Well it could also be the phone’s battery itself by some ways. I could not even handle the amount of messages. Inna unnie is complaining how totally distracted I am from her words when she speaks something to me because all I could say is ‘Yeah’ and ‘Oh’ while staring at the phone. My fingers are so busy to reply and text back a lot of people until another message comes up all of a sudden. I stare at my phonescreen. Besides many congratulating messages from my beloved people, there is this unexpected one that completely shakes my mind away.

Kwon Jiyong: Congratz on your new self-produced album, Jieun.

“What is this?” I shout before realizing that Inna is here.

“What?” Inna stands up and runs toward me. “What happened?”

“No. It’s just a message.” I try not to be unnatural.

“From who? Who is that?” Inna curves her lips. I know she is going to tease me about that if I ever speak up.

“It’s just a sunbae...” I try to cover my awkwardness.

“Who?” Inna looks suspicious. “And why do you look so uncomfortable?”

Before I could speak, Inna gaspes and holds both her hands to cover . “Don’t tell me… it’s him?”

“Him? Who do you mean?” I’m so speechless.

“Taeyang?” I stared at her. I just could not believe that she still thinks that I have a thing with Taeyang sunbaenim. I swear to God that I only look up to him as an idol and everyone keeps misunderstanding my intention. I have no idea that Inna still thinks about this even after many explanations from myself.

“No unnie.” I whine. “I told you many times for god’s sake. We’re not even that close to text each other.”

“Oh.” Inna just comes back to her normality, which is a relief. “So who’s that?”

“Kwon.. oh I mean G-Dragon sunbaenim.”

Then again, she does the same pose as before, holding her hands to cover and widening her eyes. She is being such a baby.

“What?” I pull a face.

“You change your mind?” Inna speaks in an amusing voice, which annoys me a little bit.

“Change what? What do you mean unnie?” My eyes keep staring at her with annoyance.

“Your ideal type.” Then she pulls a big laughter. I hiss.

“What unnie. No!” I pick her cheek. “I have a boyfriend.”

“I’m just kidding Jieun ah why so serious?” Inna runs away, still laughing her belly out.

Yeah, I’m dating that guy and yeah it did piss me off that everything was revealed just before my album was released. I was okay with everything but only the timing was so bad. Why could they just do that to me? But it doesn’t matter anymore because it looks like I’m not that opposed by the public. My boyfriend is not an idol though, which is a relief for both my career and… my soul. I’m too tired of being called a sly fox, a fame-seeker, a whatever-they-used-to-call-people-who-touch-their-idols. And right now, even if they call me that, I don’t give a thing anymore.

Oh right, I really need to text back to G-Dragon sunbaenim. Oh, it’s Kwon Jiyong now.

Jieun: Thank you Jiyong oppa

Jieun: Hope you guys have a great concert tonight.

I’m surprised that she knows our schedule, but it makes sense since she is a fan, a longterm BIGBANG fan. Hearing her ‘oppa’ somehow makes me relaxed. It’s been a while since someone has called me ‘oppa’ besides some best sisters, real sisters.

Kwon Jiyong: You still follow our schedule?

Jieun: Yeah sunbaenim.

Jieun: Ah no

Jieun: Oppa

She’s cute, I admit. Any boy could fall for this cuteness, not me though. I’m too bored with these kinds of cuteness. But this girl, is, cute in an, extraordinary way, isn’t she?

Kwon Jiyong: Oh and

Kwon Jiyong: It looks like you’re happy.

I wonder if it sounds rude. But yeah, I happen to know the news by Seungri, that mofo bigmouth. He’s our radio and news agent so we know everything just by spending times with him. He’s checking news from idol like a machine, sometimes I wonder if he sleeps with his computer.

Seungri was like “Oh my god you know what IU – the National Sister has finally grown up. She’s been dating Chang Kiha, the guys from the Kiha and the Bands since the end of 2013.” and we were like “Ok so?” and he was like “Youngbae hyung, do you feel betrayed?” and all we could see was a headlock from Youngbae to Seungri with the shout of tears from Seungri.

Kwon Jiyong: Congratz.

I think putting that sentence will somehow reduce the rudeness of me saying those stuff above. To be honest, I was taken back when I heard it from Seungri. She was the National Sister anyway, and dating stuff was kinda opposite to what a title of ‘National Sister’ is saying. But I feel like she’s tired of that title already. She should be. It’s tired to live for the public, especially to keep the image that is too representative of innocence.

Receiving this message from any other friends was normal to me, but from this ‘friend’, I can’t feel alright at all. Something in his words sounds so sarcastic that it annoys the hell out of me but I also feel something of pity and sorry. Am I crazy?

Jieun: Thanks oppa :)

I really can’t think of anything more so I just try to be polite.

Jieun: I hope you’re happy too.

That was the last thing I read from her because I didn’t really want to respond to that sentence. I couldn’t actually. Because I wasn’t happy. Not at all.

And now, I wonder if she’s still happy when I just see her name everywhere on the headlines of the news. I’m having a break in between the MADE tour and now I’m at home scrolling down the news just to read about her controversies.

Is the song ‘Zeze’ has been played somewhere before? I try to put it played on my laptop. The lyrics are cute, as always. And now they call it ual? If this is called ual then what the heck are the lyrics in my other songs meant to be? Is there any word to describe the level of higher ual?

I feel like she’s being judged by her cover of that title again. Poor that girl when she’s just trying to be creative in her lyrics.

In some ways, I feel like being connected to her more and I don’t really know why. Maybe just because I feel like she’s just trying to create her own music with her own feelings, like what I want to do with my music. I feel like all she want is to demonstrate how she interprets the character through a song and now they mess her interpretation up with some bullsh*t ideas. I feel so frustrated at how the audience always expects people to show what they must show for the publicity instead of showing what they want to show. Living in this kind of life makes me sick sometimes, but because I choose to live in it after all, I guess I just have to deal with it. For her, she must be tired. All of a sudden, I feel so terrible for her that my fingers are moving again.

Kwon Jiyong: Hey

Kwon Jiyong: How have you been?

She must read it already. She read it. But there’s no response. And I’m not good at being patient.

Kwon Jiyong: Are you alright, Jieun?

Am I meddling too much on her business? No actually. After all, she’s someone that I got my eyes on because she’s also a treasure to this industry. She’s a great artist too. She’s... a great friend, right? I have right to care for a friend. Well I guess so.

Jieun: Hi oppa

Jieun: I’m good.

Jieun: How about you?

There she is. And she avoids the last question. That girl is really stubborn. She’s trying to be tough.

My phone keeps getting busy lately, and my head keeps getting dizzy everyday. Everything seems to go against you when you’re at the happiest time. I was happy when my ‘first child’ was born and now I’m paying the price for that timebeing. How pathetic I am.

All of my friends are standing by my side. I have my family, my boyfriend, Inna unnie also. And I have my fan too. Without them, I would fall. But still, it hurts when you read something horrible about you and what you have been trying to show, right? When I read about things they say toward my song and my idea, I was taken back. How can they come up with something like that, when they don’t even know me? How can they judge people like that, when they don’t even get to know who I really am? I wonder if I just have to wash my brain to be someone they expect me to be.

I’m lying on my bed, still feeling exhausted for those comments and news. Kiha called me but I avoided him just because I could not face him at all. I’m too embarrassed with myself. Inna went to give me a teddy bear and she went home because she knows me so well. I just need to be alone.

When another ‘Ding’ come, I’m too tired but I still need to check it in case there’s an emergency. And I see that name again. Weirdly, I’m not hesitant at all to open to see what he wrote.

I’m not expecting anything from him, especially since that last conversation with him. But right now, his text comes up and I feel like my sorrow should be released, somehow it is just released without awareness.

Kwon Jiyong: I’m fine.

Kwon Jiyong: But are you?

Jieun: Me?

Kwon Jiyong: Are you alright?

Jieun: Actually

Jieun: No

Hi guys it's just another chapter since I'm so random hehehehehehehehehe

Enjoy XOXO