s i x ; to discover warm water 

Bowling was fun although my team didn’t end up winning. I wasn’t brave enough to drop the act and bridge the gap between our scores. The other team was in the lead with ten more points than us. Before leaving, Sehun tells me, “You’ve definitely improved. Keep it up.”

The compliment fills me with dread rather than joy. It is meant for the version of me that doesn’t exist, where I am mediocre at bowling and wasting my energy to miserably fail. It’s exhausting to pretend that I am something I’m not. I admit this to Kai when we are finally alone, in which he simply smile with understanding. “You could’ve played normally. He would’ve fallen for your skills.”

“Nah.” I shrug but there’s no energy in that gesture. “Nobody likes a showoff.”

“It didn’t matter at the end. All of us tried to show off.”

An image of Sehun groaning in despair when he couldn’t make a strike pops into mind. I soften at the memory. “Yeah, I guess so. I was trying to let him know that if he thought he , he wasn’t alone.”

“Despite not being truthful?” Kai stares into me, and there’s something in his expression that I couldn’t recognize.

“Sure.”

No. Definitely not sure.

He chuckles, patting my head with warmth. “You foolish, silly girl.”

•   •   •   •   •   •   •

The following Sunday, the weather is considerably windier than it should be for February. I grab scarves and dark beanies just in case. On my way to my room, I pass by Ethan’s room. His door is closed shut, but there seems to be a heated discussion occurring.

“Are you sure?” My dad’s confusion is delivered in a calm manner. “You’ve been growing it out for two years. Cutting your hair would go to waste.”

I can’t hear what my brother responded, but according to what Dad said, it’s uncharacteristic for him to suddenly request to get rid of his hair. He was glowing with happiness when his hair came down his ears. You know that feeling where you’ve been lost for quite some time, and then you found something that made you feel yourself? That was Ethan.

I wait downstairs instead of overhearing more of their conversation. Within minutes, Dad bounces his elephant steps to the living room. Everything about that man is loud.

“Ready to go?” He questions, grabbing his keys.

I nod. “Let’s go.”

There’s whistling in the car, Dad’s 80’s music playing on the radio, but my curiosity beats me from my silence.

“Is Ethan doing okay?”

The whistling stops. His facade melts off and the worry lines take over. I wonder how many times my parents have put on a front just to keep me from feeling anxious about their problems.

“He’s upset about something but won’t tell me. I’ve talked to his teachers but they say that he seems to be doing okay in school.”

“I heard that he wants to cut his hair,” I add.

His brows furrow. “Ah yes. I’m not sure about that either. Maybe that’s not his thing anymore?” he supplies.

Though both of us know that is far from the truth.

•   •   •   •   •   •   •

Dad drops me off at school. The number of girls present at the swim’s bleachers is incredible. Who wouldn’t want to miss cute guys in only spandex? But appreciating toned bodies and handsome faces is not the reason why I'm here. Okay, maybe partly. What matters more is that I'm here to showcase moral support. Our school’s opponents today are from Owen High School, their swim players are usually weaker than ours. Hence the reason why there are less people out on the bleachers. When we have a game with our rival school, Southview High, that’s when families are decked out to go watch the heated race between both schools.

The swimmers from Owen High stand on the diving block, getting ready to swim warm-up laps. Our school team players rest on the other side of the bleachers, they’ve done their warm-up before I have arrived. I watch them mentally taking notes at the way the other team swims, their techniques, forms, and . The way their stares are so blatantly intense, someone could easily mistake that they’re checking out the other team. I spot Kai, leaning over to Vernon while discussing and studying the players in a serious manner.

Around ten minutes later, Owen High swimmers leave the pool which signals the start of the game. There’s a break for another few minutes until Kai, Vernon, and two of their swimmates stand on the diving blocks along with four other swimmers from the opponent. The speaker announces the names of each swimmer. The screams are deafening for the more popular swimmers, which is shallowly based on how attractive one’s body and face are.

I cheer the loudest for Kai even if my voice drowns in amidst of these other girls on the bleachers. They get in position, and submerges into the water when the whistle blows. Even if you had a strong start, it doesn’t guarantee anything. The swimmers reach the wall, each pushing with various strength, and continuing their after flipping direction. Kai, Vernon, and a swimmer from opposing team are neck and neck. This is a surprise for Owen High School, because their swimmers in the past are distinctly slower.

I amplify my encouraging cheer, as though it can improve Kai’s speed. They reach the end and it’s hard t