When I was a little kid, I could remember my dad telling me and my brother of his dreams of being a singer. How he wished he would be on the big stage, introduce his name and simply sing. Sometimes he would just close his eyes and sing. I would wonder, is this man my father? If so, how could he be so talented, and I be so…nothing? The only thing I have from him are my looks and voice.

My father’s talented. He simply is. He’s a singer, not a driver. He never was suppose to be a driver, his talent was too…too big to belong to a taxi driver. But of course, his dreams never came true thanks to grandpa’s disapproval. He would sometimes think aloud,“I wonder what happened if I disobeyed and followed my dreams.”

While I and my brother were too young to realize it at that age, dad just kept on telling us his story. The fondest memory I have of him was him singing a lullaby to me. His low yet gentle tone, and the kiss on my forehead he would give to me every night. Those were the things I looked forward to every single night.

Sure, while my family was struggling to survive, my father would work up his best font and smile. He would even smile while working extra hours. That was the best part of him, I tell you. His smile would make a rainy day turn sunny. It’s almost no wonder why my mother fell in love with him. He was always the caretaker in our family, the man who worked his hardest, even if it barely provided ends meet. He wanted our family to have the best of everything, even if he could barely provide it. Who am I to say that this man is terrible?

I remember dad would always tell Donghwa and I that he would support our dreams no matter what he and I did, as long as we would support our parents. Of course I would do that, why wouldn’t I? Mom and dad have always done everything for me; I couldn’t stand knowing the pain they would’ve felt if I just left them!

There would always be a question going in my mind going whenever I would look at my dad. “What can I do to repay him?” He’s always been the guy that did everything for me, and he was the guy that I looked up to—the man that would let me follow my dreams, no matter how hopeless they were. Then one day, the thought simply popped into my head.

During that time, I’ve always dreamed of being a soccer player. You know, kicking the ball around. “Why?” You ask? It was simply because I loved the game, and the feeling of the game. I wanted to be the guy in the big screen, the one that South Korea was cheering for. That feeling of joy, and happiness and people cheering for you—that feeling. However, dancing came. That one sway, that one move, just something told me that I loved dancing. It kept on telling me that I couldn’t live without dancing, no matter what happened. That no matter what, dancing was my life. It was dancing that made me think of something that I could do to make my father proud.

It wasn’t until I saw an ad about the SM entertainment starlight casting did my mind finally set.

I was destined to to be a singer.

As for now, many, many years have passed. My eyes looked at the cloudy grey sky. The rain was falling on the ground like a melody today, it was soothing. A smile fell on my face when I remembered how dad would complain about the rain while driving, but loved it when he was at home. When he was driving, he would groan because people would go into the taxi all wet themselves. But when he was at home, he would play music and talk to me and Donghwa.

I felt my eyes water at the memory as I walked back to my computer and sat down.

“Dad.” I called out.

In my mind, his voice called. “Yes, Donghae?”

I felt tears rolling down my eyes, “It’s raining. Aren’t you going to tell me anything?”

Something…Anything really…Please?

There was no answer.

But what else did I expect?

It’s been 4 years since my dad walked to the pearly gates, a long and hard 4 years for me. I’ve missed him oh so much. It feels so weird how fast times goes since the pain of him leaving is still so clear. I could still remember him hug me, I could remember him telling me that he loved me, but do you know what I wish?

I wish I could hug him one more time, tell him that I love him one more time, kiss him one more time. I want to do that so much, I just wish he was with me.

Four years….Can you believe it, dad? It’s been four years since I’ve last seen you face to face, when I was able to call you dad and you would answer. However, now it’s as if I can call you now, and believe that you’re answering—even though you aren’t here anymore.  Time passed so fast, didn’t it? One day… One month… One year... Although I know you’re watching, it’s hard living here without you.

Can you see me, dad? Have you been my guardian angel, growing up? Have you been with me all this time? Watching Super Junior grow, watching the members grow up, and watching me grow? Are you proud of me yet, dad?

I wish I could tell you about our new album face to face, and I wish you would attend to our concerts. But of course, you’ve already been to them, right? You’ve been to them free, right? Security guards can’t see angels, right? Have you heard me sing my song for you?

My Everything, dad, were you crying too? Because I was, after I finished singing. I was crying my eyes out, in memory of you. Do you know how much I miss you?

I miss hearing your voice, hearing you talk about your day. I miss that so much. Perhaps, it’s because of the rain that’s making me miss you so much. Either way, I want to hear your laugh again. I want to hear that laugh that would brighten everyone’s mood.

Dad, did you know? Super Junior’s been receiving lots of love for our new album already! Even before release! This time, in order to get more love, you’re going to pray for us, right? You’re going to make people want to buy our album, right?

As I look back in our old photos, I see you in me. As time changed, I changed—but father is still the same. Dad, please watch me grow, even in heaven. Watch how I overcome every obstacle, watch me smile, cry, and be happy and be sad.

When we meet in the future, please tell me, “Ahh, that’s my boy, Donghae!” Please hug me and tell me that you missed me too. I miss you, and the way you would tell me, “I love you, Donghae!” I miss that so much. All of the member’s parents always hear that, and sometimes it gets annoying to them. But please tell me that you love me again….I miss hearing that. Sometimes, I even get frustrated and jealous since I can’t hear it from my dad, but the members can hear it from their dads.

Dad, I promise I’ll work hard and get your name known. I’ll work harder to make myself into the son that dad will rejoice in calling my name. I’ll work harder than anyone else—As long as dad loves me.

When I get married, will you attend my wedding? Ah, I’m scared to get married! Will I meet someone who I will love just as much as you and mom loved each other? I don’t want to be divorced… I want to raise a family and love my children just like dad has loved me and Donghwa.

Dad, I’ll name my first boy after you! I swear it to you!

Dad, do you remember when you told me that you would get excited whenever you saw me on TV? Do you know how happy I am to see you in a photo, or in our family movies? It’s probably because Donghae loves dad so much. Whenever I see you in pictures, I would cry, those memories of you here still breaks my heart because Donghae misses you so much.

Remember that promise I told to you that I wouldn’t cry anymore? How many times have I broken it? Probably a lot, right?

Dad, you belong here on stage, not me. You should be right here, singing, not me. You should be the #1 best singer in the world, not me. You should lead the Hallyu wave, not me. I don’t deserve to be here, you do.

When you were sick, I was crying a lot. I was crying so much, I thought I would never see again because my eyes hurt too much. I prayed to God, begging God to let you stay with me. I told my fans to pray with you, to hope for the better. But I guess God loves you too much that He took you back to Him.

But dad, did you do this on purpose?

Leaving me with angels?

Leeteuk hyung is always there for me, letting me cry on his shoulder, watching over me. Heechul hyung is always telling me what dad would tell me the most—to do what’s right despite what the world says. Hankyung, even though he isn’t here anymore, would always feed me when I’m hungry. Yesung hyung would be the one that would listen to me about dad while I listen to him about his mom.  Kangin hyung would show me how to be a man.  Shindong hyung is always making me laugh. Sungmin would show me that looks is not what it seems—making me more aware of the world.  Eunhyuk is my best friend, just like dad.  Siwon is the one that reminds me of dad—chasing a dream even though your parents don’t approve. Kibum would always be quiet, but he’s kind and shows me what’s right and to obey God (Just like Siwon kekeke). Ryeowook would take care of me like dad. Kyuhyun takes care of me and buys me food even though I’m older. Zhou Mi shows me what I can and can’t wear, while Henry…Henry is like me, I feel like I should watch over him.

Dad, was this on purpose? Did you leave me with angels on purpose?

Dad, I swear to you, on this day…I will be a better son; I will be the son that will make you proud. I will hold your name and make sure everyone knows it!

Right now, they only know me as Lee Donghae of Super Junior. But then, they shall later know me as Lee Donghae—daddy’s boy.

Dad, I love you.

Dad, I hope I’ve done well.

Dad, I can’t wait to see you in Heaven!

Dad, are you proud of me yet?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey guys! I know, I know, a lot of you are asking, "Where did the other chapters go?" well, I just thought that I can't handle all the chapters in this story, simply because I don't know very much about Donghae's past. So, rather than just making you wait for long updates, I'll just make it a oneshot. Maybe one day, I'll put the chapters back up, but for now, it's just...This. Sorry guys.