Social Anxiety

We Don't Sell Our Souls

12: SOCIAL ANXIETY


 

"Null (Black)," by Punchnello

 


 

 

                It was at times like these that Naeil asked herself if she had some sort of social anxiety disorder. No one liked awkward group projects, but was it really normal to feel this uncomfortable talking to classmates about schoolwork?

                “Naeil-ah, how is the slide presentation coming?”

                Her eyes had been trained on a blank sheet of notebook paper in front of her for minutes now, but her classmate’s words made Naeil finally pull her gaze away to look at the girl who had spoken.

                “It’s going well.”

                “Are you almost done?”

                Naeil could see a look of doubt in the girl’s eye.

                “I just need to cite my sources and write a little conclusion.”

                “Really? I just want to make sure we all finish on time. The project’s due in two days.”

                Naeil knew that, so she just looked around awkwardly.

                “Did you catch the part about mentioning a connection to four of our primary sources?”

                “Four?”

                “Yes.”

                “I have three. I’ll add it.”

                “Please do.”

                Sometimes it felt like they thought she was stupid, just because she didn’t speak up in class. It was too hard for Naeil to admit that it bothered her. She didn’t want to be bothered by things like that.

                So instead, Naeil would play this little game with herself: she’d think of how annoying all her classmates were being, and she’d tell herself they didn’t understand a thing about the real world. That made her feel better for a minute or two. Then they’d look at her in that way, and she’d tell herself they waste all their parent’s money on useless clothes, while she would never dare ask for anything she didn’t need. That got her indignation up for a while, so it would last a few minutes longer. Then suddenly, something in her mind would snap and Naeil would realize again that the game she was playing was really just a game—a child’s game for a childish insecurity she could never quite get over.

                Naeil sighed and leaned into her hand. Some classes are just longer than others.

                Honestly, Naeil’s brain hadn’t been invested in school all day long. Her mind was replaying a scene from the night before, over and over again. The shadows of her apartment filled Naeil’s brain as the image came back to her mind: her mother, Ji Jaehee, trudging in at 2:00 A.M., so tired she didn’t even notice her daughter watching from across the room. She had fallen asleep on the couch with her coat still on and a bag at her side. She would have stayed like that, if Naeil hadn’t come to take off her shoes and cover her up.

                These days, it felt like the two of them were stuck in a time warp. Jaehee’s long steps and weary eyes reminded Naeil a lot of those misty childhood days when her mother would stumble through the door with alcohol on her breath and nothingness in her eyes. But this was different. Her mother hadn’t “messed up again”—she was working herself senseless. Naeil didn’t know how to tell her mother to stop. She wouldn’t listen.

                “Naeil-ah,” called the teacher. “Are you contributing to your group?”

                The rest of her group looked at her blankly. Naeil had almost forgot about them, despite her irritation only a few moments ago.

                “Yes,” answered Naeil simply.

                “I didn’t see you talking.”

                “Well, talking is worthless unless you actually do something.”

                “Naeil-ah! Watch your tone!”

                Naeil’s jaw tightened. “I’m sorry.” It sounded forced. She didn’t care. She knew she should care, but somehow she couldn’t make herself care.

                I just need to get out of here. Before I say something I really regret.

                Her eye shamelessly lingered on the clock hanging to the left of their classroom, watching each second that went by, gnawing on her lip impatiently. The teacher was just beginning to discuss the principles of proper teamwork when the clock finally struck the end of the school day. Naeil swung her backpack over her shoulder and beelined out the door.

                All Naeil wanted to do was get to the roof of the church. Wednesday was thankfully the one day of the week with no piano classes, but it was also unfortunately the day that the choir practiced. There were several reasons Naeil avoided the choir. First of all, because she had some bad memories associated with it. Second of all, they always got in the way of the rest of the musicians on Sunday. Lastly, there were several ladies in that choir that sort of rubbed Naeil the wrong way. It wasn’t that they disliked each other, per se. It was more that every time one of them talked to her, she got the strong impression that they spoke with her because they should, not because they wanted to.

                In order to avoid this painful interaction, Naeil decided to head for the stairs through the back door of the church, instead of going through the sanctuary. Her goal was in sight, too, but just then one of the women came out from the other building and caught sight of Naeil. Sighing, accepting her fate, Naeil pulled away her outstretched hand, which had been just an inch away from the doorknob.

                “Oh, hello, Naeil-ah! How are you?” called a woman.

                “Hello, Ahjumma,” Naeil said softly, mentally telling herself to smile.

                “How are your studies going?”

                “Fine.”

                “Good, good. And your mother? I didn’t see her last Sunday.”

                “She got home really late from work. She needed the sleep, so I didn’t wake her.”

                “Oh, that’s just awful. She must work hard all the time.”

                “Yes. She does.”

                “I can’t imagine having a job like that. Must be so difficult.”

                Naeil just smiled and nodded. No, apparently you can’t imagine that.

                “Well, you can’t blame her for wanting to take good care of you. She has to do it all by herself, you know.”

                Again another tight smile, another nod, and Naeil mumbled something like, “I should get going,” swaying toward the door and heading inside.

                On her way to the roof, Naeil mentally berated herself for being so petty. I’ve got to get outside. I just need to get on the roof. I just need to get out.

                When the attic door cracked open and Naeil could see the sky’s light pouring through, she felt the air return to her lungs. She stepped outside and breathed in deep.

                “There…there. It’s okay.”

                She took out her headphones and searched for a song to play. Her heart immediately fell into a steady rhythm as the slow bass thrummed in her ears. With her back against the wall of the church and her knees pulled up to her chin, Naeil was feeling like herself again.

                “There you go,” she said to herself. “Everything is oka—”

                Naeil felt a finger jab into her shoulder.

 


Author’s Note

This chapter was named for yours truly. Most accurate description of my daily awkward antisocial life.

Also, yes it’s a cliffhanger. But imma update tomorrow so it’s okay :)

So………………I have another business math exam tomorrow………………..and I want to die……………but I shall carry on……………………….I can do this! (I think)

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JazzOnTheRoof
Just fwi there IS a new chapter before my note called "Explaining Myself." I noticed the authors note had more views than the new chapter so I think some people accidentally missed it.

Comments

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Naraly
#1
Chapter 54: The ending of this xD too funny. Don’t worry, take your time. No rush on this reader’s side. Hope all goes well :)
Purple_Butterfly
#2
Chapter 54: Of course there are people who are waiting for you! We're curious to see how the story will end and we'll enjoy it not matter what. Live your life and don't worry too much ;)
Kkomaenggi
#3
Chapter 54: Okay so I wrote a whole bible text and turned out i wasn't logged in so it deleted everything lmao I'll just go yeet myself out of existence I guess, okay I'll try to re-write it, uhh well first things first I really enjoy your story and I am really curious to see how it ends, it's not your typical kind of fanfic which is refreshing, second it's totally understandable that you can't update as often cause of everything going on in your life, I mean priorities lmao AND you are not getting paid for this lmaooo, and I can relate a lot since my grandma also used to live at our place for a while and we had to take care of her everything, although i have siblings helping along so it wasn't as time consuming as it is for you, I bet. Anyone being bothered or hating you for being on an unexpected hiatus is imo selfish or childish or both lmao so take you time and it's already nice seeing you not giving up on this hahahah (also yeah it's 12am and I am on this site reading this entire authors not or whatever you want to call it, I have no life, you have every right to be disgusted HAHA)
thirizxc #4
Chapter 54: Heyyy if you feel like changing the flow of the story do it! Don’t feel pressured to follow the readers After all YOU are the writer of the story and we’d happily accept it if you think it’ll make the story better! :). I’d support you until the story ends so take your time with writing ! ☺️
Kkomaenggi
#5
Chapter 43: OKAY MY HEART HURTS FOR ALL OF THEM (so I guess kudos to you for being able to conjure that feeling in me?) and i usually do not comment halfway reading but jimin is my bias and i want him back and i want to hug him and i want him and hoseok and the rest of them happy and ughhh i want to cry mannnn HYYH is my fav era but at the same time it HURTS ME SO MUCH. I have struggled/struggle with depression for as long as i can remember so the things that they go through in HYYH touches me deep inside, especially jimin and hoseok, so this story does the same man! (I do feel like im slowly but steadily getting better and its easier to talk about for me so nothing to worry about anymore)
Kkomaenggi
#6
it, house in the night was really good so im reading this aswell, and especially since HYYH is my fav era, i did see last update was in august but you did say you want to finish it in your foreword so ill trust that and slowly catch up with those 49 flippin chapter so lesgetit
rapbye0n
#7
Chapter 52: A-APPA?!?!?!?!!!!

BISH IM JUNGSHOOKT
Purple_Butterfly
#8
Chapter 52: How could anyone have seen this coming!!
Naraly
#9
Chapter 52: My mind just blew the heck up omg
ParkSooYun_ #10
Chapter 47: I decided to check if there was a new chapter and there was more than one! I'm so happy that you're back!