Epilogue 1 year later

One year of Taemin
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I really wish she was here for this.  My first real solo show.  I haven’t seen her since that night about a year ago.  I’ve thought about it.  Finding her.  Going to see her.  Bringing her to me, begging her to come back.  But after what happened I just couldn’t, I couldn’t find the right words to change her mind.  I knew nothing would bring her back.

We have spoken a few times since that night.  Mostly empty texts wishing each other well.  I text her maybe a week or two after she left and I had managed to get myself together and asked her if she was safe.  She replied with only. ‘Yes x’.


She did love me, deep inside myself I knew she did, and I knew she always would, the same way I would always love her.  Somewhere in the past year I had managed to live with the fact I would never get over her, what we went through together, like when someone close to you dies suddenly and you just can’t bring them back, I would never stop loving her.
But I understood her reasons for leaving, at first, I couldn’t understand.  I after what we both went through, how could she just walk out on me?  How could she not stay and talk to me like she promised?  Why would she not let me explain?  I realised, if she had let me talk to her, if she had stayed to listen she wouldn’t have gone, she was miserable and it was unbearable for her, the last straw being everyone knew about our miscarriage.  But it wasn’t just that, it was everything, from the girls and fans hating her, to the jealousy I was showing through most of our relationship, to the day she got stabbed, and everything fell apart.  I knew I had to let her go that day.  I realised that’s why I never really attempted to beg her to stay.  I knew no amount of begging or crying would change anything. 

So, I wrote this album, actually I wrote a lot, it spilled into two albums, but this was the one for her mostly.  I put my pain into the music and the dances.  I put all my focus into it and hopefully it was good.  I’ve thought about asking her if she had listened to it, seen any of the videos the pictures.  I thought about asking her if she knew it was all about her.  There were clues, everything from the flowers, the lyrics, choice of language, the music the dances had something to do with her.  She would have probably figured it out but she wouldn’t tell me even if she had.  The same way I wouldn’t ask.  The answers would be too painful to bare. 

How I wished she was here now though.  I had worked night and day for weeks working on this stage show.  It had been exhausting and exhilarating.  I also had the documentary crew around me now watching my every move.  I was hoping by doing it I would be giving a little bit back to the fans, show them enough, and that I wasn’t mad at them, and to be honest I was hoping she might see it.  I wanted my fans to understand me more, how hard I worked for them, but with the understanding that maybe I just needed a tiny bit of privacy too.

I was beyond nervous.  I was petrified, and yet I was excited.  I had never done this on this scale before.  Not alone at least, and I wished if just for tonight, she was with me.  I wished to touch her face, I wished to hold her, look into her eyes and feel like everything was going to be ok.  I wanted to share this moment with her.  I hoped she would be proud of me.  I hoped she would be watching.  It was too much to hope she would come.  I knew even if I sent the tickets she wouldn’t come, so I didn’t try. But I still wished and right at this moment I was regretting not trying again.

 

We began rehearsing the day before.  It took me a while to get used to the stage.  Not only was I completely alone on stage without the guys around me, but it was a 360-degree stage that I just was not used to.  We rehearsed all day and I did start to get the hang of it, but I was emotional at the songs that had deeper a meaning to me.  The one that was most personal for her was just on a piano.  It was my voice and the piano and that was it.  And I couldn’t control my hands to get the keys right.  I couldn’t control my breathing but somehow, I was still singing alright.  During the dress rehearsal, it was even worse.  The song just shook me every time I sang it.  It was far from an easy rehearsal. 

I thought I was doing ok though despite my issues with the stage until we did the dress rehearsal that evening and my emotions got the better of me.  The second song that I wrote remembering the night she left and the weeks that followed caused me to break down crying in front of the whole staff.  It just got to me.  Everything got to me.  What if I couldn’t do this alone.  What if I forgot everything and made a fool of myself.  What if the fans hated it?  What if she saw me and didn’t understand?  Worse still, what if she didn’t care? 

I was able to pass the crying and emotional unsteadiness off as exhaustion and pressure getting to me, which in some ways was absolutely true.  I was terrified without my brothers with me.  I felt like I had so much to prove.  To everyone, to my members, to my family, my fans, myself and to my love.

A few of the staff members knew what was going on with me, Rino my choreographer and close friend had been there and she knew what this all meant to me.  I had to be honest with her from the beginning, especially about the new album, and she understood, I became really close with her while working on this because she just got it straight away.

My manager and good friend was also understanding.  He seemed to take pity on me and told me, ‘Taemin, don’t try to be perfect, you’re giving everything already.  Don’t worry if it’s not perfect.’

He was right.  I told him I was trying to ‘deliver something I don’t think I can.’  He knew what I meant, somehow, I was trying to make my pain mean something, and if it wasn’t perfect it didn’t mean anything.  He told me ‘You have enormous potential Taemin, this is the beginning, not the end.’. 

I went back to the hotel that night and laid awake for hours thinking about how the day went.  The mistakes I made in the rehearsals, then the mistakes I had made in life, and the mistakes I made when I had her in my life.  I knew I had to sleep but my mind wouldn’t shut down for a second.

 

I woke up knowing I must have slept because I dreamt about her.  I dreamt she was there in the crowd with my family, with my members, smiling, giving me the encouragement I needed.  The last time I dreamt about her was the day before I actually met her.  That dream got me through the day.  Looking outside it was raining, which I always loved, even though the day she left it was raining, it reminded me of her in a good way which was kind of weird.  I felt like it was a good sign for me.  Maybe, I don’t know, maybe if she left me in the rain, then she would come back to me in the rain too.

I took heed of what my manager had said, but that last song was the one I wanted her to see, hear, and if everything else failed I wanted that song to be the one perfect thing in the show.  So as soon as I got to the venue, I practiced and practiced as much as possible so my fingers knew where to go on the piano.

I was getting more and more nervous.  The longer I practiced the closer it was to the show.  I was a wreck and it was showing in my skin.  I didn’t need my skin to break out today of all days, for god sake.

We had one last rehearsal which seemed to go better than yesterday making me feel calmer.  I was more able to keep my emotions in check today.  I was finishing up one of the songs that made me break down yesterday and as it finished I looked up, surprised to see Jonghyun standing there. 

‘HEYYYYYY’ I screamed at him, a massive grin spreading on my face.  I was super excited to see him. ‘YOU’RE HERE!!!’

‘GO TAEMIN GO TAEMIN’ He chanted up at me, beaming.  Instantly my heart felt a little lighter than it did before.  My shoulders relaxed a little and I felt absolutely pumped up to see him standing there.

‘What are you wearing?!’ I shouted down at him as he beamed up at me like a proud father.  He was adorned in all my merchandise, from my t-shirt, cap, towel, every single thing that had my name on he had on him somehow.  He left quickly to wait for me, so I could focus on the rest of the rehearsal but I was glad to know he would be there when I finished.

I practically raced into the changing room and flung myself down for the make-up team to work their magic on me. 

A few of my other long-standing friends came to support me as well, which really cheered me up and on for the show.  I wasn’t feeling as overwhelmed by it all as I sat there and chatted with them.  She was almost completely out of my mind until Jonghyun started going through all the merch and pulled out the light stick, with the rose on the top.  I had chosen this design carefully, to reflect her, and he knew this, he asked about it in front of everyone as if he didn’t understand but looking at him, looking at me in the mirror I saw what he was thinking.  He wished she was here for this too. 

Jonghyun is not good at hiding his own feelings, but when it came to helping me hide mine he was a pro.  He knew exactly what I was thinking and what looks to send me.  I caught him looking at me seriously a few times in the mirror, but if anyone else caught him he would laugh it off as if it were nothing. 

With a little more than an hour to go, I was being set up to go live for the fans. 

‘Press this when you’re ready to go’ said the staff.  I thanked them and smiled. 

Everyone had left the room, giving me space, so I was alone stood in front of the mirror.  I looked myself dead in the eye.  You’ve got it Tae.  Do this well for the fans.  Do this well for yourself.  Do this for her.  My stomach jolted as I thought her name like a ringing bell in my head.  I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes tilting my head back.  Let them see it I thought. 

All the songs were written and choreographed with her in mind.  I showed my emotions better with dancing, as she knew, and this was the most personal choreography I had worked on.  For me, it expressed how I felt about her.  How I lost her, our baby, but how somehow, one day how I hoped we would be reunited. However, the last song, the special one, that I had written as a personal love letter from my heart to hers, that I had trouble with yesterday had no choreography.  Rino helped me make this decision as we sat together and worked out everything.  I broke down to her telling her what had happened, what I felt and how the song was everything I wanted to say to her but I never did.  Everything I should have said as I watched her leave the house with no more than a bag in her hand and tears rolling silently down her face.  She helped me make this concert a story.  My life before, and when after her.  We worked it out so the stage would come down around me during that last hard song, so it would seem like I was just disappearing.

‘Hey, you ok?’ It was Jonghyun.  He had popped his head around the door to hurry me on.  When he caught my face, he knew instantly what was going on in my mind.  While working on this album he helped me a lot to get it perfect.  He knew the songs were about her, for her.  He was the one I turned to, surprisingly, after she left.  He was the one who found me on the floor after two, maybe three days of being a broken mess, he brought me food, and got me up and brought me back from near death after she left.  I would have gone to Jinki, eventually, but Jonghyun just seemed to know and was there for me, whether I asked for it or not.  He, more than anyone got along with her while she was here with me and he knew the love I felt for her was more real than anything I had felt before.  I don’t know how he knew but he did.  And for once he didn’t make fun of me.  He listened as I cried, day after day, night after night.  I owed him more than anyone and I couldn’t explain how much it meant having him here today.  

I smiled weakly at him, not needing to explain.  He came inside the room and closed the door carefully, making sure no camera crew followed him in.  He walked over to me and held me by both shoulders looking straight at me.  His eyes flickered to the cameras set up in this room.  

‘Manager said they will be editing delicately, so I want to say this, she will know Taem.  Let it out on the stage, show the world and don’t think about anything else.  For now, she’s gone from your eyes, but she’s not gone forever.  Keep believing’ He kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly.  I didn’t want to voice my fears when he had just covered them all.  I knew he was right.  He was a believer in fate.  He believed what would be would be and you had to have faith.  He told me if the time was right, if she was the one then one day she would be back and all I could do till that day is work hard and wait.  Most of the time I felt it was hopeless and stupid, but when you have even the smallest amount of hope it cannot be broken.  It’s stronger than any other feeling. 

 

The next hour blurred past me.  I put on my best showman face while I went live for the fans.  At the last moment, Jin

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minaho
For Jonghyun who features predominantly in this story. To his band members, his beautiful sister, everyone who knew him, my heart breaks for you. It is easy to say 'if only we knew' but I hope he is at peace, I hope his pain is gone. I hope he knows he did well until the very end.

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snowtaems
#1
Chapter 10: The way Minho is more curious about which football team she supports! Help hahahaha
snowtaems
#2
Chapter 9: Omg I feel terrible. I was in the middle of reading this story and then I forgot I was reading it for months until now *facepalm*
snowtaems
#3
Chapter 4: She knows is full name? Damnnnnn.
snowtaems
#4
Chapter 2: Meeting her in his dreams first and seeing her in real life after HAHAHAHA
It was kinda funny to read!
snowtaems
#5
Chapter 1: It’s been years but here I am going through a Taemin phase again thanks to criminal.

Reading about vacations during a pandemic is so... How do I describe it? It kind of hurts your feelings because you really want to travel around but it’s not safe to do so.
So you just stay powerless at home wishing and longing for better times to come.

But back to your story, it seems promising.
Can’t wait to keep catching up :-)
britishtae
#6
Chapter 67: omg wow thank u so much for wrting this beautiful and emotional sotry, i loved it so much, i loved how u protraid the charatres and sayed true to the sotry and not just go crazy and put smth impossible to happen...like u stayed as true as it can get if u know what i mean hahaha i like how u incorporated taemin jpn concert and songs into the story tbh i was kinda lost on thhe time and space xd
overall i hope u continue to write beautiful stories like these and dont get sad if it doesn't get much attention at first, these things take time ;)
fighting!!<3
noomin #7
Chapter 67: Yessss i loveee the endinggg reallyyy
ts6258 #8
Chapter 67: Sweet, sweet ending. Love that you brought in some of Taemin's VLive show in the chapter. This was perfect, thanks so much.
britishtae
#9
Chapter 66: WHAT NOOOOO
noomin #10
Chapter 66: Noool plzz don't end it like that noooo