The next few days were a bit of a blur.  I had to go back to my schedule and then I had to go back to Japan for the rest of the tour.  I had to be there for 10 days straight before I was going to come back, and that was only after I had fought with my manager about it.  I was originally supposed to spend the whole month there.

I was worried about leaving Jen alone, she didn’t want to fly, and I didn’t want to push her to come, so I asked Sarah if she would stay in my house with her for the 10 days I was not going to be there.  She agreed which helped me feel a little better about the situation.  

It was a long 10 days away.  I worried and wanted to be back with her every second I was away.  I called Sarah regularly, as Jen refused to answer the phone most of the time.  She gave me regular updates on how she was, how she was healing, and her overall mental state, which seemed to be improving slightly.  She was getting up and eating a little more halfway through me being away, however, she was still not answering her phone or talking to me a whole lot. 

I began to feel like she was pulling away from me.  Maybe she did blame me for everything.  Would she have been so wrong, really?  I blamed myself, I blamed myself for bringing her here and putting her in this environment, for getting her pregnant when we hadn’t talked about it, for getting her stabbed and then for losing the baby.  I wasn’t over the loss myself, but I blamed myself for it all.  I hurt her, I caused her to get on that flight that day and I caused the fan to stab her. 

I know it was irrational to think this way. I knew Jen and I knew deep down she didn’t blame me, but maybe I was blaming myself so much I was then trying to hold onto her so hard it was causing her to pull back.  Neither of us were dealing with the situation well at all. 

I came back to Korea the day after the last show, we had almost two weeks before the last few shows and then we’d have a break.  After the month I had been through I needed the break. 

The day I got back Jonghyun took me to the store to look at the rings he said he would help me choose.  I was still set on asking her to marry me, and I decided I would get the ring now, and then when I got back I would ask her. 

I liked them all but there was one that stood out to me as being the most ‘her’.  It was simple, elegant, beautiful.  Somewhat in the same way she was.  It reminded me of her, so I bought it there and then. 

‘I missed you,’ I whispered climbing into bed and putting my arms around her the first night I was back. 

She hummed but didn’t really answer me. 

‘Baby?’ I cooed into her.

‘I’m sorry Taemin.’ She whispered.

‘Sorry for what?’ I asked surprised, lifting myself up off the pillow a