I looked at the time as I stood outside the hotel room.  1.14am. Maybe she was asleep.  Maybe she wasn’t there.  Maybe she wouldn’t speak to me.  A multitude of things went through my head before I took a deep breath in and opened the door. 

It was dark inside the small room.  There was a small light on coming from the bathroom but the door was shut over most of the way, it faintly illuminated the room casting a beam of light into the shadows of the bed. 

I could make out her figure in the bed.  She was facing away from the door and she was curled up in a ball.  She looked asleep but I couldn’t be sure. 

‘Baby?’ I whispered softly into the silence, she didn’t stir, she was moving in time with her even breathing telling me she was most definitely asleep.  I tiptoed over to look at her, I squatted down so I was level with her face.  Her skin was raw, but healing from the tears she had cried.  She looked peaceful though through her pain.  Her eyelashes resting easily on her lower eyelids.  She was so beautiful and I had harmed her. 

I very carefully and very lightly her hair and kissed the top of her head.  I whispered to her ‘I’m so sorry’ before moving away from the bed thoroughly ashamed of myself.

My mind couldn’t relax to sleep.  I felt dirty and unworthy to get into the bed next to her even though everything inside me screamed to curl up beside her and hold her. 

I changed my clothes silently and sat on the sofa opposite where she was facing and just watched her sleeping for a while. 

I went over everything we had been through since we met.  I went over that first meeting with her in my mind and remembered how I had dreamt of her before I had even met her.  How excited and real she made me feel.  How I fell in love with her instantly and how she continued to surprise me making me fall in love with her a little bit more every day. 

I thought about what guts she had to blindly trust me to come back with me to Korea.  Especially after what she had already been through in her life.  Losing her husband after just marrying him and then loving someone again.  I felt lucky that the person she fell in love with again was me.  Not just lucky, honored.  She was wise with love, she didn’t get jealous or angry.  It made me feel immature, childish, how I had been acting and how I didn’t show her any trust back.  She didn’t deserve that.  She had been honest with me, she had never kept anything from me.  Not her relationship with Chanyeol, not what she did or where she was.  And she held herself well against the fan hate we received after we got back from Norway. 

She had read one of the articles and then refused to read the rest.  She said she didn’t need to see what people assumed.  But I read them.  I read them and I got angry.  The lies they told about her, and how they judged and criticised every single aspect of her.  I should have known better.  I never paid attention to anything written about myself.  But I couldn’t, not read them when it was about her.  It hurt me more somehow to see these things printed about the love of my life. 

That was when I realized she was the love of my life.  She made me complete and I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.  I couldn’t imagine a life where she was not in it.  It was then I made the decision, I would prove to her I was worthy of her loving me.  I would control my jealous side and of course, I would never allow myself to lay another finger on her to hurt her. 

I sat there and thought and thought into the night and at some point, I must have fallen asleep. 

I woke up abruptly in an awkward position on the sofa.

I looked down at the blanket that was draped over me, this was not on me last night.  Jen must have put this o