”Bum, Bum, Bum!” an excited 3-year-old Gwiboon shouts as she runs through the house on unstable legs. The 5-year-old boy turns around in the hallway to look at his sister. Their father is currently getting dressed. Gwiboon tumbles into her brother and clings to his waist. “Me go too!” she says and smiles wide. Kibum laughs a little.

“You can’t Boon!” he says but Gwiboon just shakes her head.

“Me too!”

Their mother catches up with her daughter and swoops her away from her brother so he can get finished as well. Gwiboon isn’t very happy with being removed from Kibum, though, and she immediately throws a tantrum.

“Nooooo,” she screams and kicks the air. She accidentally hits her mother’s hip and cries out in pain when her small toes bend the wrong way. The pain quickly subsides when she hears their father tell Kibum that he’s ready to leave. She turns her attention to her brother and father and once again reaches out.

“Me too, me too, me too!” she screams and Kibum puts his hands over his ears so he can drown out his sister’s screams. Their mother just sighs.

“Gwiboon, listen to me. When you’re old enough, you’ll go to kindergarten like Kibum but for now him and papa will leave. We’re going to have fun; don’t you want to have fun with mommy?”

Gwiboon stops her screaming so she can say no. Kibum giggles and reaches up to pat her foot.

“I’ll see you soon Boon!” he says and then their father shouts from outside and Kibum picks up his small backpack and hurries out the front door. Gwiboon starts crying when the front door shuts and she’s inconsolable for an hour.

 

Gwiboon is watching The Little Mermaid when Kibum and their father enters in the afternoon. She perks up, dried fruit bar in her hand and when she hears her father ask Kibum to take off his jacket, she hurries from her spot in the living room and into the hallway. She has greasy hands but she still places them all over Kibum’s new jacket when she hugs him before he can shrug it off. He giggles.

“Hey Boon,” he says and Gwiboon looks up at him with a wide smile.

“Bummie!”

Their father shakes his head fondly at his children when he finds them ten minutes later, Gwiboon sitting in Kibum’s lap in front of the television, eating her fruit bar and watching The Little Mermaid with her 2-year older brother.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Moooooom, Boon gave me the hiccups!”

“Nooooo!”

Gwiboon starts crying at the accusation and Kibum glares at her, still hiccupping.

 

✧✧✧

 

4-year-old Gwiboon is standing in her brand-new dress, backpack on her back and wide smile on her face. She’s holding Kibum’s hand as he stands beside her in his brand-new school uniform. Their mother takes a picture of them and sends them a smile.

“You’re growing so big,” she says and sniffles. Kibum laughs and Gwiboon giggles.

“Mommy!” Kibum says and hurries to wrap his arms around her in a hug. Gwiboon follows soon after, also hugging her mother. Their father smiles from behind them as he observes his small family.

When Gwiboon realizes that Kibum is not going to kindergarten with her, however, she loses her excitement. She had hoped, believed, that they would be together in kindergarten, she had been so excited, but now she’s let down by the fact that her brother is going to school. Gwiboon just wants to be around him.

To her, he’s the epitome of perfection. He’s funny and brave and big and Gwiboon wants to be just like him when she grows up. She honestly can’t imagine what would be better than spending her life with her brother. If she could marry him, she definitely would.

Kibum hugs her in front of the kindergarten and promises her that she’ll have fun and find other friends and Gwiboon only reluctantly lets go. She waves goodbye and watches out of the fence for minutes after Kibum and their father have disappeared.

 

She spends most of the day drawing pictures. Gwiboon is going to give them all to Kibum. The other kids are noisy and Gwiboon doesn’t like them very much. None of them are as awesome as Kibum and she doesn’t want to be with them.

When her father finds her, Kibum isn’t with him. Gwiboon worries her bottom lip and almost starts crying at the lack of her older brother, until her father kneels before her and tells her they’re going to pick up Kibum from his first day at school together. She hurries to find her jacket and runs when she finally spots their car in the parking lot but when they drive towards the elementary school, she turns uncharacteristically quiet. Her father looks at her quickly.

“Gwiboon?” he asks and Gwiboon looks up with teary eyes. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

Gwiboon rarely cries when they’re driving so this has got to be something else and it worries him.

“Bum,” she murmurs and her father sighs a little in relief. He parks the car and helps Gwiboon onto the street when they reach the elementary school. Gwiboon clings to his hand as they walk towards the large building. All the older kids scare her a little. She doesn’t want to go to elementary school ever, not if there are kids this scary. Then she notices Kibum and lights up into a smile. She’s about to call out towards him when another older boy runs up to him and she turns quiet again. Her father just shakes his head a little at the sight of his nervous daughter.

“Kibum!” he shouts and Gwiboon presses closer to him. Kibum looks up and spots them and then breaks into a wide smile.

“Boon!” he says and Gwiboon smiles a little. Maybe it’s not that bad to pick up Kibum. Kibum will save her. Their father laughs.

“No hey to me?” he asks when Kibum runs up to them and pats Gwiboon’s black hair. Kibum looks at him mischievously and grabs Gwiboon’s hand.

“Come Boon,” he says and drags his younger sister with him towards the entrance. Their father chuckles behind them.

 

✧✧✧

 

It’s a snowy day in January and Gwiboon has a cold. She’s 5-years-old and ready to make men and angels in the snow despite her cold, but she only wants to play with Kibum and Kibum is suffering the flu. He has a fever and he vomited in the morning. Kibum is bed-bound and Gwiboon is not. Gwiboon is shuffling around in the living room, snot dripping from her nose but she isn't caring. She has a blanket draped over her shoulders and she’s looking longingly towards the snow.

“Mom?” she asks and her mother turns around from where she’s cleaning the coffee table and looks at her daughter.

“What?”

“Can Bum play now?” Gwiboon asks and her mother sighs.

“Sweetheart, you’re both sick. You shouldn’t be playing in the snow.”

Gwiboon frowns a little.

“But mooom,” she says and hopes it can convince her mother that she’s not the least sick. Then she sniffles and dries her nose with the blanket corner.

“Kibum is too sick to play. Do you want to play a game with mommy?”

Her mother sighs again when Gwiboon shakes her head.

“I just want to play with Bum.”

Gwiboon sniffles again and crawls onto the couch. The blanket is still draped around her.

 

Gwiboon is so horribly bored when there’s no Kibum to play with. Her parents don’t want to invite another friend over either and Gwiboon is stuck with cartoons on the TV, board games and her toys and none of it is fun without Kibum. She stomps throughout the house when she gets a bright idea. She’s going to wake up Kibum and ask him to play with her. She doesn’t need their parents to get him for her. No, Gwiboon is a big girl now and she can totally ask her older brother if he wants to play with her. When Gwiboon steps into his bedroom, the curtains are drawn and it’s dark. She squints a little in the darkness before she locates his bed and walks towards it.

“Bum,” she whispers and pushes to his shoulder. Kibum groans in pain and changes his position. Gwiboon furrows her eyebrows.

“Bum!” she says, this time louder. Kibum still doesn’t really react. “Do you want to play?” she whispers. She sighs when she still doesn't get any reaction. She doesn’t want to leave him, though, so instead she crawls into his bed and cuddles into his side. Gwiboon sniffles before she falls asleep. When their parents find them, they sigh, well-knowing that they’ll have two sick children tomorrow.

When Gwiboon wakes up with the flu the next morning, she thinks, beneath all the pain and discomfort, that sneaking into Kibum’s room was totally worth it.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Grandma!” Gwiboon screams and runs towards the elderly woman, waiting for them on the platform. Kibum comes running after her so he too can embrace his grandmother. The elderly woman just laughs at them and pats their heads. The sun is shining from a clear sky and it’s 27 degrees Celsius. The two siblings have travelled with their parents to Daegu to be with their grandparents. They have a week off and while their parents have to leave when the weekend ends, both Gwiboon and Kibum are going to stay with their grandparents. Gwiboon is looking forward to it. She’s knows she’s going to have the time of her life because not only is she with Kibum, she’s with her grandmother as well, and the best part of it all is that she doesn’t have to share Kibum or her grandmother with anyone. She has them all to herself. Their parents laugh when they catch up with their children.

Gwiboon clings onto her brother as they walk towards the car and Kibum laughs at her and tries to run away from her, only to have Gwiboon following. Gwiboon is pressed between her older brother and her mother as they drive back to her grandmother’s house. She’s almost bouncing in her seat with energy and their mother shakes her head slightly at the sight of her daughter.

 

At dinner Gwiboon frowns towards her plate. Kibum notices first and nudges her shoulder.

“What’s wrong Boon?” he asks and Gwiboon pushes the kimchi on her plate towards the edge, away from her dumplings.

“I don’t like it,” she whispers and Kibum blinks a little. Then he smiles and reaches out to point at the kimchi with his chopsticks.

“Who gave you kimchi?” he whispers back and Gwiboon points discreetly towards their father. Kibum snorts and tries hard to contain his laughter.

“Dad,” Gwiboon whispers in an answer and pokes the piece of cabbage again.

“Give it to me,” Kibum says and slowly pushes his plate towards her. Gwiboon lops the kimchi onto his plate and sends him a grateful smile. Kibum just takes a piece of kimchi and eats it with a smile. Gwiboon frowns in disgust and turns back to her dumplings.

Her parents have been trying to teach her to eat kimchi. They believe it is somehow on time, that because she’s 6 she has to like the spicy cabbage but Gwiboon really doesn’t. She doesn’t think she’ll ever like it but her parents keep pestering her to at least try it. Sometimes they scold her for not trying and she hates that, so she finds other ways to get rid of it. It’s not the first time Kibum offers to eat her kimchi for her, even if he doesn’t like it that much either. Gwiboon is him eternally grateful.

When their parents look towards the children, their father blinks surprised.

“You ate your kimchi, Gwiboon? Was it really that bad?” he asks and smiles but Gwiboon nods, trying not to giggle. Kibum looks towards his plate and stops himself from laughing as well.

“Are you done?” their mother asks and when both children nod, their grandmother tells them they don’t have to stay seated. When Gwiboon and Kibum runs outside and into the garden they’re laughing, thrilled that they have managed to cheat their parents.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Daaaaaad, Boon tripped me!”

“No I didn’t! Bum is lying!”

 

✧✧✧

 

“Hey Boon,” Kibum says and Gwiboon leans closer to her brother. He blows into her ear and starts laughing hysterically and Gwiboon frowns, clearly displeased. She wipes at her ear and turns her back to him.

“Aaaw Boon, don’t be mad!” he says and Gwiboon furrows her brows and tries to stay mad. She doesn’t want to forgive him for being a jerk but it becomes increasingly hard when he wraps his arms around her in a backhug.

“Go away, Bum,” she mumbles but Kibum stays behind her, rocks them back and forth a little until she sighs and gives up.

“Still mad at me?” he asks and she shakes her head a little, only for him to blow into her ear again.

“Bum!” she screams and scrambles away from him. Kibum laughs on the couch and Gwiboon scoffs and walks towards the kitchen so she can complain about her brother to her parents. Her father is cooking dinner and her mother is talking with someone on the phone. That someone sounds very annoying based on the way her mother answers.

“Dad,” she says and he looks towards her.

“What is it, Gwiboon?” he asks and she frowns. He turns back to the pot he’s stirring in.

“Bum is being mean,” she says. Their father sighs a little.

“Kibum, be nice!” he shouts towards the living room. Kibum shouts a ‘yes’ back and their father returns to cooking. Gwiboon still hasn’t fully forgiven him, but she still feels guilty for ratting him out. Maybe she overreacted. Kibum has always been the best brother ever, he can’t possibly be mean towards her like Soyu’s brother is towards her, so maybe he’s not that bad. She walks timidly back into the living room and finds her brother on the couch, flipping through channels on the TV.

“Bum,” she says and he looks towards her. “Can we watch Music Bank?”

Kibum nods and changes the channel and Gwiboon climbs onto the couch and watches all the beautiful dresses and y dances the idols on screen does. Kibum gets bored relatively quickly and he starts poking Gwiboon’s thigh but Gwiboon is too occupied with the idols on screen to care. When his poking becomes obsessive she gives him the hiccups and makes sure the next song is stuck in his head. Kibum leaves her in the living room with a complaint about how mean she is.

 

✧✧✧

 

Gwiboon is 8 when she gets a friend-book. It’s Soyu’s idea to have a book like that so they can write about themselves and remember each other. Gwiboon lends her book to all her friends and writes in theirs in return. It’s standard questions until she reaches one that has her a little stuck.

What is your biggest dream?

It’s not that Gwiboon doesn’t know what her dream is. It’s that Gwiboon’s dream is pretty embarrassing. It would be cool to say she’d be an idol and it wouldn’t be a lie either, but Gwiboon doesn’t want to be like the rest of them. It’s also not her biggest dream. Because Gwiboon’s biggest dream is to become someone like Kibum. She doesn’t want to be a boy, God no. Gwiboon just wants to be nice like Kibum. She wants to help others like he helps others. She wants to help him the way he helps her. Yesterday she saw him help an elderly lady with her groceries when her bags broke on the pavement right outside their house. Gwiboon had been watching from her window but it had proved enough to her. She has the best brother in the world.

But she can’t possibly write that as her biggest dream. Her friends will think she’s crazy and maybe start avoiding her. Gwiboon doesn’t want that. Instead she bites the end of her pencil while she thinks of the most appropriate answer. In the end, she writes down ‘to become an idol’ and keeps her true dream to herself.

 

✧✧✧

 

She wants to learn dancing. Gwiboon watches the idols dance in tight crop-tops and miniskirts and she wants to be that. She wants to be a singer on stage. She wants dyed hair and colourful outfits and a beautiful body. Kibum yawns from beside her.

“Do we have to watch M Countdown?” he asks and Gwiboon nods.

“Yes,” she says and continues watching the idol group on screen. Kibum lies down on the couch and lets his head push against Gwiboon’s thigh. She swats at him and moves a little away. Kibum only slides closer so his head can press against her thigh again.

“Buum,” she whines and Kibum smiles mischievously.

“Booooon,” he says and Gwiboon swats at him again. Kibum just laughs out loud. Gwiboon frowns.

“Stop being annoying,” she says and Kibum repeats her in a mocking voice. He gets up from the couch and stands in front of the TV, blocking her view and starts dancing. He waves his arms mockingly and tries to imitate the idols on stage. Gwiboon whines again and asks him to move. Kibum doesn’t. In the end, she gets up from the couch so she can push him away from the TV but he grabs her wrist and starts swinging her arms instead. Gwiboon rolls her eyes but soon she’s dancing crazily in front of the TV as well, laughing out loud. Kibum smiles kindly and he has a fond look in his eyes, but Gwiboon misses it in her laughter.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Hey Key!” someone shouts after them and Gwiboon frowns. Kibum waves to his friend and runs towards him and Gwiboon stops in the hallway to look at the two boys. When Kibum comes back to his sister, Gwiboon raises an eyebrow.

“Key?” she asks and Kibum shrugs a little.

“It’s my new nickname, isn’t it cool?” he asks and Gwiboon frowns. No. It isn’t. She likes Bum a lot better than Key. Key sounds pretentious and arrogant and everything Kibum isn’t. She doesn’t like it. “You should call me Key too!” Kibum says a few seconds later and pokes her shoulder. Gwiboon shakes her head.

“No way,” she says and Kibum frowns a little as well.

“Why not?” he asks and Gwiboon does her best not to look at him because she knows she’ll feel guilty and she really doesn’t want to call him Key. Key sounds stupid.

“It sounds stupid,” she says. Kibum gasps and clutches at his chest.

“You’re so mean,” he says and Gwiboon bites her lower lip.

“No, I’m not,” she says but it becomes hard for her to not look at him. She knows he doesn’t mean it, but it feels wrong when he calls her mean. She’s not mean. She doesn’t want him to think she’s mean either and she doesn’t want to become mean. She loves Kibum, also more than she loves her parents and it’s just really unfair to think that he finds her mean. Gwiboon does not appreciate that thought at all.

“Come on Boon,” Kibum says and Gwiboon sighs and shakes her head.

“Maybe I’ll call you Ki,” she says. Kibum snorts.

“Ki? That sounds stupid. Call me Key!”

Gwiboon turns to look at him annoyed. The annoyance disappears the second she looks at him.

“I don’t speak English,” she says and Kibum rolls his eyes and skips a step in front of her. Seeing him walk away from her, however, clutches her heart and she hurries so she can keep up with him. “Sorry,” she whispers but Kibum doesn’t say more.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Daaaad, Bum stole my diary!”

“I did not! Mom, I didn’t! Really!”

 

✧✧✧

 

Gwiboon thinks Kibum’s friends are a little scary. They’re all middle schoolers now and they are teenagers. Teenagers are big and scary and while Gwiboon can usually stand her ground against most people, it still kind of scares her when Kibum brings home friends. They’re loud and plays racing games on the TV so she can’t watch her music shows. She doesn’t want to impose herself on her brother but she misses him a little. It’s not something she admits to anyone because that would be embarrassing but sometimes she watches from the kitchen and hears them laughing and wishes it was her who made him laugh like that, her whom he played games with. Gwiboon is just his little sister, though.

She is looking through the freezer to find an ice cream when there’s suddenly someone behind her.

“Hey, can I have one to?” Kibum’s friend asks and Gwiboon shuts the freezer in reply. No. That isn’t well-received, however. “Key, your sister is being a jerk!” he says and Gwiboon tries to leave the kitchen, only to find Kibum standing in the doorway.

“No, she isn’t?” he says in a question and Gwiboon tries to make herself invisible.

“She didn’t give me an ice cream?” Kibum’s friend says and Kibum frowns.

“She isn’t your waitress. Take one yourself?”

Gwiboon feels both proud and guilty that Kibum defends her against his friend.

“I’m gonna …” she says and points towards her bedroom. She slips away, but when she closes the door she hears Kibum and his friend argue about her.

 

✧✧✧

 

Gwiboon is 12 when she gets her first period and she is not ready. It looks dramatic even though it’s barely bleeding and it scares her. The thing that scares her the most, however, is the way her mother tells her she’s about to be a grown up woman. Gwiboon doesn't want to be a grown up woman. She doesn’t want s or hips or acne or anybody’s attention, she just wants to stay 12 forever. Or maybe 11 is better to prevent her period from ever arriving. There’s nothing that can stop the evolutionary change her body goes through, however, and Gwiboon has to resort to crying and sulking under her blanket while the pad in her underwear itches the skin on her inner thighs.

Kibum peeks inside her room and raises an eyebrow when he finds his sister under her blanket.

“Boon?” he asks and Gwiboon waves her hand under her blanket. It doesn’t make him leave. “What’s wrong?”

Gwiboon sighs and pulls the blanket down so she can send him a deathly stare but Kibum isn’t affected in the least when he steps inside and closes the door behind him.

“Mom says I’m becoming a grown-up woman,” she says and only afterwards regret. Kibum wasn’t supposed to know that. He tilts his head in a question and Gwiboon dives under her blanket again. She can feel the bed dipping when he sits beside her and she can feel his arm around her shoulders as he presses her close to his chest, still hidden in the blanket.

“Poor Boon,” he says and Gwiboon nods and sniffles. Poor her. “I’ll protect you from all the neighbourhood erts.” 

Gwiboon removes the blanket from her face again to stare at him in shock.

“What?” she asks and Kibum nods solemnly.

“Yeah, but worry not, I’ll be the best brother ever and protect you!”

Gwiboon laughs when she notices the smirk on his face and she punches his shoulder lightly.

“I hate you,” she says and snuggles closer to him. Kibum doesn’t say anything but presses her closer again. It should be embarrassing, hugging her brother like this, but Kibum is safe and comfortable. Kibum is the only one that is able to calm her down like this and Gwiboon appreciates it.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Mooooooooom, tell Boon to stop getting children’s songs stuck in my head!”

“Hahahahahahaha.”

“ you. Stop it!”

 

✧✧✧

 

“Eh? You’re a cusk?” one of Gwiboon’s classmates asks in the locker room after gym. Gwiboon raises an eyebrow at her and looks down on herself quickly before she looks up to get eye contact with the other girl.

“A what?” she asks, not understanding.

“A cusk…” the classmate says and makes a movement towards her own hip, indicating Gwiboon’s. Gwiboon looks at the birth mark on her hip. She still doesn’t understand what her birth mark has to do with a fish that lives in the Atlantic Ocean. She shrugs and pulls her jeans over her hips so she can continue getting dressed. She doesn’t ask her friends during Math if they know what it means but it stays in her head throughout the day.

 

It’s after dinner when Gwiboon finds her brother on the couch and plops down beside him. Kibum is smart and he’s also in high school. He must know what it means, right?

“Bum, what does it mean when someone calls you a cusk?” she asks and redirects her attention to the drama playing on the television. She isn’t really watching but she doesn’t want to watch his reaction because based on the sound he’s making as if he’s choking in his own saliva, it isn’t a very good thing to be called.

“Who called you a cusk?” he asks. Gwiboon shrinks a little.

“Nobody,” she says but Kibum stays silent and Gwiboon elaborates. “Someone from my class. It’s no big deal, Bum! I just want to know what it means…”

Kibum hesitates and that has Gwiboon looking nervously at him.

“Is it that bad?” she asks and Kibum quickly shakes his head.

“It’s … Mom told you about the ranks, right?” he asks and Gwiboon nods. Yes, she knows. She’s a C-rank demon and can conjure annoying things for humans and her mother is a B-rank demon and can be a little more evil. Gwiboon knows all about that because their parents thought it was important knowledge. She also knows that Kibum is a human like their father. She still doesn’t really understand what the deal with the fish is. Kibum sighs.

“Okay, so … Cusk is a … mmh, nickname for C-rank demons,” he says and Gwiboon bites her lower lip.

“Is it bad?” she asks. Kibum worries his lower lip between his teeth before he shakes his head a little and lights up in a smile.

“No, of course not! My little cusk!”

Kibum ruffles her hair and Gwiboon giggles while she glares at him. Someone clears their voice behind them and both siblings look up to find their mother standing behind the couch.

“Kibum,” she says and Kibum shrinks a little away. “Come help me with the last dishes, will you?”

Her voice leaves no room for discussion and Kibum slips off the couch and hurries into the kitchen. Gwiboon hears her mother talk seriously to him before the door is closed. She has a feeling the word isn’t that innocent anyway.

 

✧✧✧

 

13-year-old Gwiboon is struggling with her social studies when Kibum bursts in the front door, laughing. She looks up, annoyed that her silence is gone when she hears a female voice from the hallway. Gwiboon raises an eyebrow and slowly slips from her chair and tip-toes towards the door so she can catch a glimpse of her brother and his company when they enter the living room on their way to his room.

Gwiboon has never seen Kibum be friends with girls and it makes her feel slightly annoyed. He’s her brother and even if he’s annoying, he’s still hers. Kibum gets eye contact with her and sends her a small wave before he walks towards his room. The girl is nothing special. Her hair is black and straight and her face is round and plump. Her body is average-looking as well, she’s definitely not skinny. Not good enough for Kibum, that’s for sure. Still, something stirs in Gwiboon’s chest and she hurries back to her homework. She hears Kibum introduce her with an off-handed comment before the door shuts to his room.

Gwiboon sighs and bites her lower lip. She still doesn’t understand her social studies homework.

 

✧✧✧

 

“I’m in love,” Kibum says and Gwiboon raises an eyebrow.

“Ew,” she says and Kibum laughs and pushes her shoulder. Gwiboon stumbles a little and glares at him before she plops down on the floor. “Is it Minkyung?”

Kibum shakes his head.

“No, Minkyung is just my friend.”

He doesn’t say any more after that and Gwiboon tilts her head in a silent question while she waits for him to spill the details. When he doesn’t she kicks at his shin.

“Tell me who it is then!” she says and Kibum laughs again and plops down beside her.

“Her name is Jieun. She’s really cute and she’s just so beautiful. She’s perfect.”

He looks towards the ceiling with a dreamy look and Gwiboon laughs.

“Tell me more, tell me more!”

Kibum sends her a smile before he starts telling her about Jieun.

 

✧✧✧

 

Kibum wiggles his eyebrows towards his sister and the boy that sits beside her and Gwiboon gets up so she can push him out of the kitchen. He laughs loud and obnoxiously and Gwiboon turns back to the boy.

“Sorry about that,” she says and the boy shrugs a little. “Do you want anything to eat?”

The boy nods and Gwiboon looks through the fridge to find some water melon. The boy, Taemin, is her friend and this is the first time he’s at her house. Gwiboon didn’t think Kibum would be home. She had hoped he would be somewhere with Jieun so that they could have had the house to themselves. Mostly because she knows he’s going to and Gwiboon has been feeling weird these days. It’s weird because she doesn’t want to talk about boys the way Soyu and Dasom want, she wants to look at the pretty idols in the flashy magazines and on the posters, she passes every day to school. Her dream of becoming an idol has lessened and been replaced with a dream of being together with the idols instead.

“Hey Gwi,” Taemin says and puts a half-eaten piece of melon back on the plate. She blinks and turns towards him.

“Yeah?”

“Your brother is talking to you,” Taemin says and Gwiboon turns around in her chair to stare at her brother. Kibum is leaning close to her and Gwiboon automatically scoots back, trying to gain balance when she almost falls off her chair. Kibum snorts.

“Boon, mom says you’re cooking dinner tonight but I’m going grocery shopping in 5 minutes so if you need anything, tell me.”

She nods and waves him away with her hand and he shrugs before he turns around and leaves them alone in the kitchen. Gwiboon tries to forget the smirk on his face.

 

✧✧✧

 

“Gwiboon and Taemin sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…”

“Grow up.”

“First comes love, then comes marriage…”

“Oh my God, shut up.”

“Then comes baby in a baby carriage.”

“Moooooooooom!”

 

✧✧✧
 

Gwiboon is looking through her glossy magazines when she hears the front door open. She is sick with a fever but has been getting better and that’s why she has decided to camp out in the living room instead of in her bedroom. Kibum enters with another girl by his side and Gwiboon looks up and gets eye contact with the stranger. The girl is breathtaking. She is pale, skinny, tall and absolutely gorgeous. She looks like one of the idols in Gwiboon’s magazines. Automatically she hides under her blanket and tries to force her heart to stop beating.

“Do you need anything Boon?” Kibum shouts at her from the kitchen and Gwiboon bites her lower lip before she takes a deep breath.

“No,” she shouts back. Something is wrong with her. She shouldn’t be reacting to girls like this. Her heart shouldn’t beat and her cheeks shouldn’t heat up. Gwiboon can’t even blame the fever because she knows that this is not her fever. This is her finding Kibum’s friend extremely attractive and that’s wrong.

When she hears the footsteps disappear from the kitchen and the door to Kibum’s bedroom close, she slowly lowers her blanket again. Her body is sweaty and she’s not in any way good-looking today but she need to make sure she’s fine and normal. She looks through the magazine but finds none of the male idols attractive. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. Gwiboon groans and turns to look at the couch while she tries to forget pretty girls.

 

✧✧✧
 

“Hey Boon,” Kibum says and sticks his head through the doorway into her room. 15-year-old Gwiboon looks up from her laptop and pauses the make-up tutorial she’s been watching. “I need your help.”

Gwiboon puts the computer away and tilts her head in a question. She loves it when he needs her help. Not only because she needs his help all the time, but because it feels good to know that she’s useful to him.

“Yeah?” she asks and Kibum closes the door behind him when he slips inside.

“I need you to teach me how to make a nice eyeliner,” he says and Gwiboon bursts out laughing at the request. “I’m ing serious.”

Gwiboon giggles and finds it really hard to conceal her laughter when she walks towards her desk and finds her eyeliner. She hands it to Kibum and he stares at it with wide eyes as if he has no idea where it goes.

“What do you need it for?” she asks and sits down on her desk chair so she can stare at her older brother that is now turning the eyeliner upside down as if it will help him understand how to put it on. Then he sighs and hands it back to her.

“We’re doing a play as seniors and I need to wear eyeliner for my role but I don’t trust Jungmi with the eyeliner.”

“Why not?” Gwiboon asks and tilts her head curiously now that she isn’t struggling with her laughter anymore.

“Because she never wears make-up at school and this thing goes close to my eyes,” he says at if it’s obvious and Gwiboon snorts.

“What makes you think I won’t prick your eye?”

Kibum looks at her incredulously.

“Because you love me,” he deadpans and Gwiboon shrugs a little. True. She gestures for him to sit at her bed and grabs her hand mirror before she moves the chair in front of him.

“Look at the mirror and see if you can mimic my movements,” she says when she puts eyeliner on his left eye. Kibum looks at her with wide eyes when she finishes with a smile.

“You’re hired as my stylist,” he says and Gwiboon laughs again.

“At your service, Mr.”

 

✧✧✧
 

She is nervous as she stands in front of Kibum’s bedroom. It’s too late, their parents already sleeping but she can see light under the door frame and she needs to talk to him. It has been on her mind for the past year and she needs to get it out, needs to talk to someone and discuss her abnormality. Kibum opens the door before she gets to knock on it and almost bumps into her.

“Boon!” he whisper-shouts in surprise and Gwiboon smiles nervously.

“Can we talk?” she asks and Kibum nods.

“Yeah, two sec, I’ll be back. Just wait inside.”

He moves past her and Gwiboon walks into his room and plops down on the floor in front of his bed so she can lean her back against the wooden bed frame. When Kibum returns, he sits down beside her, open chat windows on his computer forgotten.

“What’s up?” he asks and Gwiboon looks towards the floor and starts fumbling with the ends of his carpet.

“Please don’t be mad or think I’m disgusting or something like that, okay?”

Kibum furrows his eyebrows in concern.

“Gwiboon, what’s wrong?”

He closes the door with his foot despite the two of them being the only ones awake in the house. It’s rare that he uses her full first name. Ever since she was little, she has always been Boon. Gwiboon likes it when he calls her Boon, it feels familiar and not that serious. Being called Gwiboon is much more serious and she isn’t sure she likes that.

“I think I might like girls,” she whispers. Kibum blinks confused.

“What?” he says and Gwiboon repeats herself. When he catches her words, he smiles.

“So do I,” he says with a chuckle and Gwiboon frowns.

“No. Like … I like-like them. I find them attractive and I want to be with them. Romantically.”

There’s silence between them and Gwiboon is about to get up from the floor to drown in self-pity and self-hatred, when Kibum grabs her wrist and forces her to stay on the floor.

“I know,” he says and Gwiboon looks at him in confusion. “You’re not exactly hard to read.”

Gwiboon groans and hides her face in the hand Kibum isn’t holding onto.

“It’s weird, I’m sorry,” she says but Kibum slowly removes her hand from her face and sends her a smile.

“It’s okay. You’re not weird. You’re just lesbian. You’ll always be my favourite sister and I can’t wait to meet the girl you’re crushing on, okay? Mom and dad will understand.”

Gwiboon blushes a little and finds herself hugging him in relief.

“Thank you,” she whispers. Kibum chuckles a little.

“No wonder you got so mad when I teased you with Taemin,” he says. “You don’t even like him.”

Gwiboon hits his chest lightly.

“Shut up.”

 

✧✧✧

“Mom, dad, Boon – meet my girlfriend, Dahee.”

Gwiboon eyes the beautiful girl at her brother’s side. They look good together. Her parents are thrilled. Gwiboon only reluctantly accepts the girl as good enough for her brother.

 

✧✧✧
 

Gwiboon misses Kibum. It’s been two weeks since he left for college and she really should be better than this but she misses him a lot. He has never been this far away and suddenly he’s living in a dorm and the only way to contact him is on his phone. Gwiboon doesn’t want to text him, though. That would feel obsessive and stalkerish and desperate and Gwiboon is neither. Just a little deprived of the brotherly love she has never gone without for more than a couple of hours throughout her entire life.

She sighs a little. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t text her either, if Gwiboon has to be honest. She wants him to have fun, to meet new people and to be the old man he has become, but she doesn’t want to lose him and it feels like she’s losing him.

She shakes her head and looks at the English essay she’s trying to write. She can do this. She doesn’t need Kibum, she’s not that dependent on him. Right?

Gwiboon groans and faceplants into her computer. She hates that he has to go, hates that she’s home alone with their parents now. She grabs her phone and texts Taemin but she’s never really able to remove the longing she feels.

 

✧✧✧
 

“Bum!” she shouts and runs out to greet him when the car rolls into the driveway. It’s Christmas and Gwiboon is looking forward to being a family again. The longing has lessened but she’s still not used to him not being there when she really needs him. She slows down when she notices the girl in the passenger seat. Kibum smiles at her as he parks the car and Gwiboon wraps her arms around her chest to fend off the cold. Gwiboon forgets her disappointment at the sight of her brother’s pretty girlfriend when he wraps his arms around her and spins her around. She laughs and hits his shoulder when he puts her down and Kibum smirks at her.

“I’m not small,” she says with a pout and Kibum ruffles her hair.

“You’ll always be my small little sister,” Kibum says and laughs. He lets go of Gwiboon to get their bags from the trunk and Gwiboon instantly feels a little colder. She smiles to Dahee before she hurries back inside.

Christmas is so much different with Dahee there. Her parents like the other girl, Gwiboon knows that. But Gwiboon still wants her brother for herself. Kibum seems to need time with her as well, however, when he finds her in her room before dinner.

“So, tell me who you’re crushing on now?” he says and splays out on her bed. Gwiboon raises an eyebrow and rolls her eyes before she turns back to her mirror so she can put on eyeliner.

“Nobody,” she says and Kibum chuckles a little.

“How can that be? No pretty girls at school?” he asks and Gwiboon snorts.

“No,” she just says simply but Kibum knows there’s something else wrong.

“Hey Boon,” he says and Gwiboon feels her heart clench a little.

“It’s been a while since you called me Boon,” she says and puts the eyeliner down. Kibum stands from her bed and leans against her table so he can look at her.

“What’s wrong?” he asks and Gwiboon sighs a little.

“I .. it’s nothing really. Just the seniors are really disgusting and because ... you know …” She gestures towards her body with a hand and hopes the message gets across. Kibum furrows his brows.

“What?” he asks again, this time more seriously. “Is my younger sister getting harassed because she looks good?”

Gwiboon cringes and turns away from him but she can’t deny it. The seniors do say lewd things about her body and while she tries her hardest to ignore them, it does hurt from time to time. Gwiboon doesn’t really want to tell Kibum about it, though. Not when he’s at college and they’re becoming so distanced. Gwiboon never wanted to become distanced either but she has realized that he just has a different life now, that he can’t necessarily relate to her and that he doesn’t have to. Gwiboon has Taemin and Soyu and that should really be enough.

“I’m going to kill them,” Kibum mutters under his breath and Gwiboon sighs.

“No, it’s … it’s okay. Don’t bother with them. I guess I just miss my older brother.”

Kibum softens and reaches out so he can wrap an arm around Gwiboon’s shoulders and press her close to her side.

 

✧✧✧

From: Bum

You should start doing martial arts. (ง'-')ง

 

To: Bum

Wtf

 

From: Bum

I’m serious Boon. Go learn how to kick some . You’ll be awesome ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ

 

To: Bum

You’re ridiculous (─‿‿─)

 

✧✧✧

 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Gwiboon, happy birthday to you.”

Gwiboon turns around in her bed and throws her blanket over her head. She’s turning 17 and there’s a voice missing. She doesn’t want to get out of bed if Kibum isn’t there to celebrate her.

“Happy birthday, Gwiboon!” her mother says and the bed dips when she sits down. Gwiboon shrugs her shoulders under her blanket. She might as well just go back to bed.

Never once has Kibum not been there on her birthday and she’s not sure she’s ready for this. She’s supposed to be almost grown-up, a responsible adult and all but Gwiboon feels like a 5-year-old child and she needs her older brother beside her. Her mother pets her back and tries to convince her to lower the blanket.

“Gwiboon, you mom made breakfast,” her father says and Gwiboon sniffs a little and notices the waft of pancakes. It still isn’t enough to make up for the loss of her older brother.

In the end, she does give up, though and crawls from under the blanket. She opens her presents and smiles at the expensive dress she gets from her parents along with the camera from her grandmother, but Kibum’s present is a scrapbook of memories that only makes her miss him even more. She puts it away on her bedside table and gets out of bed.

 

Gwiboon carries her phone with her every minute of her birthday. It’s there beside her when they eat breakfast and in her hand as she greets her grandparents and her aunt. It’s in her pocket when she hugs Taemin and invites him inside. But there is no phone call from Kibum, not even a text and Gwiboon is getting mad.

Who is he to ignore her on her birthday? They’ve been close ever since they were children. Kibum has always been her hero, he has always been there to protect her. At least until he met Dahee and suddenly things were about her, not about them. Gwiboon frowns in anger as she remembers the first time she was introduced to Dahee and how happy he had been. She had laughed at him then, with how much in love he was, but ever since then they had barely interacted.

Gwiboon sits down on the couch while her parents talk to her grandparents and she pulls her knees close to her chest. Her phone weighs a ton in her hands. Taemin sits beside her in silence and leans against her. Gwiboon just closes her eyes and tries to forget the worst birthday she has ever had.

 

✧✧✧
 

Gwiboon wakes up on February 15^th to snow. It’s still dark outside and the street light is highlighting the snow falling from the sky. She pulls the blanket further around her and sits up in bed. It’s 4.23 AM but Gwiboon can’t sleep. Lazily she takes the scrapbook from her nightstand and turns on the bedside lamp. She flips through memories when a small card falls out and into her lap. She takes it and leans closer to the light to read the handwriting.

I’m sorry

Gwiboon looks at it and shrugs, not knowing what it means and not knowing why Kibum would apologize to her.

30 minutes later, when Gwiboon is about to fall asleep again, the phone in the kitchen starts ringing. She ignores it because she’s too tired to get up and because it’s almost 5 AM. Whoever calls at this time of the day would want to talk to her parents anyway. She hears footsteps from her parent’s bedroom in the hallway and the phone stops ringing when someone picks it up. Gwiboon is almost falling asleep again when she hears a dull thump. She climbs from her bed and grabs her robe as she walks towards the kitchen. She finds her father in the kitchen on the floor, a dead look in his eyes.

“Dad?” she says and kneels before him. Her father doesn’t respond. “Mom!” she shouts and tries shaking her father by his shoulders. Her mother joins her in the kitchen and sinks down before them as well.

“Kibum,” he suddenly whispers and both Gwiboon and her mother stop their actions.

“What about Kibum?” her mother asks. She sounds afraid and annoyed and Gwiboon can’t really figure out what is happening.

“He’s … dead.”

Gwiboon doesn’t really hear her mother’s disbelief turn into sobbing screams and she doesn’t register her father wrapping his arms around her in a hug. She doesn’t register anything beyond the words ‘he’s dead’ and it scares her. It can’t be true. Kibum can’t be dead. Why would he be dead? He’s her hero, he’s the one person in the world that has it all. He’s the most perfect human Gwiboon has ever met. How can he be dead?

 

But he is dead. The hospital tells them it was suicide and that he was dead when the paramedics finally got to him. Dahee is standing beside Gwiboon and her parents, but her eyes are scarily dry and when Gwiboon looks up and gets eye contact with her, Dahee sends her a smirk, lifts her skirt and shows an intricate birth mark of smoke curling around two clear horns. Gwiboon widens her eyes but doesn’t get to react before she’s pulled away by her parents.

 

✧✧✧
 

“I hate you!” she screams towards the sky. “I hate you!”

A few crows fly away from her in surprise.

“I hate you so much!”

Gwiboon starts crying and sinks towards the grass, next to the gravestone. She cries as the sky responds to her screams with a rumble of thunder. She hates demons, she hates O-ranks, she hates everything and she misses him so much.

Ever since Kibum took his own life, her life has fallen apart. Gwiboon isn’t sure she’ll ever be able to get back on the right track but she knows she’ll get revenge on the girl who took away the most precious thing she has ever had. That’s the only thing driving her days forward, the desire to revenge her brother. And Gwiboon is going to succeed because she’s not bowing down without a fight. Just like Kibum taught her.