chapter four

In sophomore class, I asked Jiwon how many kids he'd like to have later on in his life. Head pressed against his desk, he hadn't replied me. Instead, he laughed and asked me the question back. 

“Two” 

Two seemed enough. With my sister, we were two in my family and with Jiwon's older brother, they were two in his family as well. 

“I'll have to settle for two then” Jiwon had retorted, smirking. 

I remember smacking my textbook on his head and laughing along, hoping the rose on my cheeks wasn't as visible as I thought it was.

***

I look at the little girl, her little hands are wrapped around Jiwon's shoulders, her straight hair perfectly falls on her back and looking at her, I see traces of Jiwon. The colour of her hair, the shape of her nose and lips and the firmness of her jawline. She's indeed Jiwon's daughter and it stuns me. 

I stand there, immobile, in awe and speechless.

He's wiping her tears away with his thumb and I see the worry and love in his eyes as I feel the pang in my heart. Has things changed that much?

A little farther, stands another girl. She approaches Jiwon and whispers words I can't hear well and then, she passes by me, smiles and leaves. Jiwon eventually notices me standing there and he puts his daughter back down, tells her something to which she smiles adorably while nodding her head and walks away. I look at her climbing the stairs until she disappears from my sight. When I turn my eyes back, Jiwon's standing in front of me. “I can explain.”

“You lied to me.“ The words rolls off my tongue easily.

“I can explain” He repeats.

“Who was she? The one who just left?” My curiosity steps in.

“Suhyun” Jiwon voices immediately. “My neighbor, she's a student who babysit... ” He stays quiet, unable to continue. Incapable of saying ‘my daughter’ and I scoff. “Your daughter?”

He nods and sighs. “Just give me a chance to explain myself.” 

“I asked you why left. You told me you had no reasons. I gave you a chance to explain yourself, you didn't take it.“ I utter, hurt and disappointed.

He stays quiet, but I see the regret in his eyes as I turn around. He doesn't stop me, he doesn't call me and I sigh as I walk away, because I hoped we could stay together a little longer. I hoped we could be friends again. 

“I was afraid.” 

I stop in my tracks, almost automatically as the sound of his voice reaches my eardrums. 

“I was afraid you'd turn your back on me like everyone did.” Jiwon continues as I stay still, not turning around to face him. 

“You asked me why my parents told you I left the country. They were ashamed that's why.”  His voice is shaky and I can almost feel the lump in his throat. “They were scared of what people would say over the fact that I got a child before marriage.”

“That's not why I'm mad at you Jiwon” I shot back as I turn around, tears tickling my eyes. “You left me without telling me anything. You didn't trust me enough and now that you're back, you still don't trust me.” 

“I was just scared that I won't be able to see you again.” He voices louder, the desperation in his voice obvious.

I sigh, because I should be mad at Jiwon. I should be screaming and shouting at him, but I can't even bring myself to hate him or just be mad. We stare at each other in silence, his eyes begging for another chance. 

 “Just tell me is... is Jisoo the mother?” 

He keeps staring at me, expressionless and every second feels everlasting.

“No” He finally whispers and I feel relieved. I know it's selfish of hoping that Jisoo isn't the mother, but after what she did, I can't help but wish she isn't.

“I can't leave Hayi alone for too long. Come over and I'll explain.”

Back then, going to Jiwon's house was like stepping into my own. Now, it feels like stranger's house. He lives on the rooftop, a small little room one unlike his parents'. 

He walks in first and I stay in the threshold, hesitating like always. Although, I know very well that at the end, I'll just follow him. The first thing I notice are the drawings on the white walls and by the look of them, I judge they are done by Hayi, his daughter. He places a cup on the small table as I remove my shoes and step in. 

“I know it's small, but make yourself comfortable.” Jiwon breathes as he nervously a hand in his hair and I realize once again how much he has grown. Jiwon used to be carefree, now he seems nervous almost all the time. 

“It's nice” I say and I really think so. Although it's small, it projects a familiar atmosphere unlike my flat, wide and empty with no drawing decorating the walls, no family pictures.

“Is she sleeping?” I ask, hesistant as I fail to see her.

He nods and smile. “I'll introduce you to her someday” 

“So tell me” I voice as I take a sip of my coffee. It taste bitter and Jiwon laughs at my expression.

“Years of drinking sugar free coffee and you still make that face”

“I've started adding sugar a couple of years ago” 

Perhaps, I should've kept that fact to my own self. Jiwon seems hurt and quickly apologizes. He suggests to go get sugar, but I state that it's fine. He smiles apologetically and a silence settles in between us. I wouldn't lie, it's awkward. 

“I heard you got a stable job in the marketing field.” He breaks the silence.

I nod mindlessly. He's using the polite and formal language and it feels as if we've never been close before. I tell him to be comfortable and he tries, but every now and then, he'd be polite again. Jiwon was never that type, to be mindful of positions and tremendously respectful. Maybe because he was young or maybe he has grown too much. I ask him about his job at Zico's club and I ask him everything I'm curious about as long as it's not related to his daughter. He didn't want to talk about how he happened to be a father and I didn't persist. He promised he'll tell me someday.

After that night, we've been keeping in touch every now and then, trying to get back to the way we were in high school, although it's not possible. Things were awkward at first. He hadn't called me for two weeks and out of nowhere, I got a text message saying he wanted to meet. We were at the park and Hayi, Jiwon's daughter was playing around while we were sitting on a bench a little farther. I thought Jiwon would open up about him being a father, but he didn't and I didn't try to force him. From then, we've been meeting a lot more. Sometimes, it was Jiwon, his daughter and me and sometimes, it was just the both of us. 

He wasn't polite with me anymore, on the contrary, he'd insult me playfully and tell me how fat I've gotten over the years, although we both know I haven't. He'd push me to eat almost all the meat when we're out for barbecues and he'd poke me out of the blue and ran away and laugh. 

His laugh was loud and clear and beautiful. 

Seeing him laugh, his daughter would laugh along and sometimes, people looked at us like we were a happy family. 

The more time I spent with Jiwon, the less I spent with Mino. I'd only see Mino at work, when he'd randomly barge in my office or in the hallways of the agency. He didn't seem mad, but Mino was sure quieter than usually. 

Taehyun came up to me one day and revealed how Mino's been wanting to call me a couple times, but couldn't bring himself to act on his wishes and how he's been missing me. I didn't trust Taehyun, because Mino's not the shy type. He's blod and courageous and if he really