Our life is made up of time; our days are measured in hours, our pay measured by those hours, our knowledge is measured by years. We grab a few quick minutes in our busy day to have a coffee break. We rush back to our desks, we watch the clock, we live by appointments. And yet your time eventually runs out and you wonder in your heart of hearts if those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades were being spent the best way they possibly could. In other words, if you could change anything, would you? “Omma!” exclaimed my teenage daughter from across the table. Her voice startled me, pulling me back to reality. I stared blankly at her as my mind drifted back to me. She was shoving a spoonful of soup into .

“Omma, you should eat too or you’ll be sick.” She said, pushing three of the side dishes towards me. Suddenly the phone on the table began ringing. I ignored the ringing despite the annoying vibrate. Lily stole a peek at the caller ID when suddenly her face lit up in excitement. She swiftly picked up the phone and pressed on its screen to answer the call.

“No! Don’t answer it. It could be the press.” I warned.

“Relax omma. It’s only Seunghyun appa.”

After a couple of excited squeals, uhms and oh, Lily handed the phone to me.

“He wants to talk to you.”

I carefully took the phone to ear.

“Yeobseo.”

“I heard what happened. How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine. Like always.”

“Please, I can hear it in your voice. Come on, I’m here for you. You’ll feel better.”

“I don’t know Hyunnie ah. A small part of me feels like ‘I knew this was coming’, I anticipated it then another part of me feels so depressed like he just ripped my heart out and he’s stabbing it repeatedly. I feel stupid. I really do. Why in the world would he even be interested in me. Mediocre Alice Park. I’m in my 30s and I’m a single mom. The stupid choices I made in life.” I exasperated from across the line.

“That son of a . Just say the word and I will go back to Seoul to teach him a lesson. How dare he cheat on you, you Alice Park, the most breath-taking girl I’ve ever meet. You love Lily with all your heart and that’s all that matters. This wasn’t your fault Alice. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You might look like a single mom but have you forgotten that Lily has a kick awesome godfather? And you’ll always have me no matter what.”

“You always know the right things to say.”

“Which reminds me, I was thinking since summer holidays are coming maybe you and Lily could come over to New York. Spend time with me here. Get some fresh air and clear your head. Get away from the media attention and all. I asked noona if Yeonjun could come too and she said yes.”

“That’s really nice of you but I don’t think I can come. I mean, I still got a lot of things I need to pack. I mean that’s 10 years of living together you know? And I can’t leave my restaurant, not when my assistant chef is gone.”

“Are you sure? You really liked New York remember? Minus how rude I was to you. You can try new food and get some inspiration for your restaurant and all.”

“It’s such short notice. I really can’t Seunghyun. I’m sorry.”

“Arasso, arasso. Maybe Lily and Yeonjun can go on the adventure together?”

“You mean just the two of them? Are you crazy? Sending two teenagers halfway across the world?”

“Relax, we can notify the airline that they are underage travellers and they’ll keep an eye on them. It would be fun for them to gain the experience. Something they would talk about when they reach our age. Plus, I asked Lily and she sounds excited!”

“You are spoiling my daughter Seunghyun yah!”

“Well, she’s my goddaughter.”

Dear Alice,

A few days ago, I asked you, are you happy with Jiyong? And you answered yes with a smile on your face. Your answer broke my heart into pieces. I'm going back to New York tomorrow but before I go I wanted to write this letter to you. All the thoughts and feelings that have been buried inside me all these years are finally overflowing from this pen and I'm leaving this letter for you so that you don't feel burdened. I understand that you will need to take your time trying to decide on what I am about to say.

I know what's going on, Alice. You're my best friend and I can see the sadness in your eyes. I know that Jiyong isn't away working for the weekend. You never could lie to me. Your eyes betray you time and time again. Don't pretend that everything is perfect because to me it isn't. I see that Jiyong is an arrogant man who doesn’t realise how lucky he is.

He is the luckiest man alive to have you in his arms, but he doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, wholeheartedly, someone who thinks about you 24 hours, 7 days a week, someone who spends every minute of every day just pondering what you're doing, where you are, who you're with and if you're OK. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, good or bad and each of your flaws. You should be with someone who can make you happy, really happy like you just saved the world happy. Someone who should have taken the chance to be with you years ago instead of becoming terrified and being too afraid to try.

But I am no longer that boy, Alice. I am not afraid to try. My heart ached so much the day I received your wedding invitation. It hurt so bad that my entire body felt paralysed, I was paralysed by jealousy. My heart broke when I saw the woman I love turning away from me to walk down the aisle towards another man, a man she planned to spend the rest of her life with. It was like a death sentence for me - years stretching ahead without me being able to tell you how I feel or hold you how I wanted to.

Do you know why my relationships keep failing? Because somehow I’ve managed to turn it into my life’s mission to go out there and find the most perfect, beautiful girl just to get over you. I don’t want to wake up one day, married to the wrong girl and trying to convince myself that she is perfect but she will never be perfect to me because she is not you Alice. I need you to be the reason for my wedding day. The reason I want to wake up each morning.

I should never have let your lips leave mine all those years ago. I should never have pulled away. I should never have panicked. I should never have wasted all those years without you. Give me a chance to make them up to you. Saranghae Alice Park, I love you with all my heart and I want to be with you and Lily. Always and forever.

Please think about it. Don't waste your time on Jiyong. This is our opportunity. Let's stop being afraid and take the chance. I promise I'll make you happy.

All my love,

Seunghyun

2019

ALICE

My heart was thumping hard against my chest, it could simply burst through. What was the meaning of this letter? I was clearing everything from Jiyong’s office when I stumbled upon the torn envelope containing the letter. Judging by the colour and condition of the letter, it must have been quite some time since Jiyong had the letter. Why did he have the letter in the first place? Why did Seunghyun even wrote such a letter? Why did Seunghyun gave the letter to Jiyong? What kiss? Seunghyun was in love with me? A thousand questions raced through my mind. I wanted answers. I hastily grabbed for my phone on the table to dial his number but before the dial tone rang I began doubting and cancelled the call. I decided that I should sleep on it. Maybe just let it sink in before I do anything irrational.

“Dara! Dara ya! Over here!” I waved at her as I saw her entering the café. She waved and smiled happily at me before taking the seat in front of me.

“What’s up? What’s the emergency?” She asked excitedly. I handed her the letter which she carefully took and studied intently. She was silent for quite some time, full focus reading the letter line by line. I nervously waited for her to be done reading. I couldn’t sit still, I was fiddling with my fingers as I studied her face.

“See! I was right! When did he write this letter?” she exclaimed.

“It was dated last year. What do mean? Right about what?”

“During high school, I thought you and Seunghyun were a couple. That’s why when you told me you were pregnant, I naturally assumed that he was the father of the baby. But the two of you always seemed to be more than just friends. Honestly, the way he looks at you, the way he cares for you. Even the way you look at him.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m not in love with him.”

“Come on Alice. Who are you trying to fool? Don’t you get it now? I’m your bestfriend. You’ve always loved him, more than just friends. You are clearly in love with him.”

“I would know if I’m in love thank you very much.”

“Then why does this letter bother you so much?”

“No, it doesn’t bother me.”

“Yeah right Alice. You were never in love with him.” She sniggered.

“Fine, I’ll admit it. but we keep missing each other. It’s like we’re not meant to be. Not when the universe seems to be driving us apart. He’s been dating Park Bom since they reunited at my dad’s funeral. My dad’s funeral for god sakes! How obvious can the signals be that we’re not meant to be?”

Dara smiled bitterly at me as she heaved a heavy sigh.

“I know but it doesn’t mean that you can’t pray that they breakup right? Okay, for example, if you guys were on the titanic and you and Bom both fell into the sea, I’d bet 1 million won that he’d save you first.”

“That’s because he knows I can’t swim.”

“Come on be serious! This letter just proves that he is in love with you! He admits that he didn’t turn up for your wedding because he couldn’t bare looking at the woman he loves marry another man! Oh my God you guys are pissing me off! Like a really tragic Romeo and Juliet.”

“But what kiss? We never kissed, or did we?”

“Only one way to find out! Confront him!”

“NO! That’s crazy! I can’t ask him such.”

But before I could finish my sentence, Dara had quickly grabbed my phone and dialled Seunghyun’s number. I could feel my heart drop and a knot had formed in my stomach as she handed me the phone with Seunghyun from across the line.

“Yeobseo.” I answered cautiously.

“Hey! What a crazy coincidence, it’s like you read my mind! I was going to call you tonight actually.”

“Oh really?” I asked.

“Yeah, I wanted to ask you about something but you first. Why did you call?”

“Oh urm, uh. No nothing special. I just urm, wanted to say hi. I dialled you. You know my phone in my pocket calling and stuff.” I answered nervously.

I could hear his roaring laughter from the other end. When he finally regained composure, he chuckled a little before continuing.

“Your lame excuses are so cute. Okay my turn then. So, I wanted to ask you if you would want the honour to be my best man? Bom and I are getting married! I proposed and she said yes! How crazy is that?” he chimed excitedly. I could feel myself frozen.

He continued, “Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to wear any tux and suits or ties. I’ll get you any dress you want. And Lily will be the flower girl. I’ll get you girls the best dress money can buy. We’re going to have only one reception in Korea. Nothing big, just intimate close friends. Her agency and our families. I promise Jiyong won’t be there. It’s going to be in 3 months’ time, so a lot of time to prepare. Bommie here wanted to have a honeymoon before Seoul Fashion Week starts.”

The excitement could be heard in his voice.

“That’s so so very awesome.” I answered with a stutter. My words were chocked as I felt lumps forming in my throat. I fisted my chest trying to reduce the pain I felt inside. They were the exact same feelings I had when he told me he was going to marry Irene, the exact same feelings when he started dating Bom in high school. The petty jealousy proved it. It was right there and then that deep down inside I realized that I loved him, more than how a friend would love a friend.

ALICE

I nervously clanked my spoon to the champagne glass I had in hand, repeatedly as I tried to capture everyone’s attention. I anxiously cleared my throat before letting out my breath as all eyes turned to me and the music stopped. I bowed my head politely at everyone before cracking a small smile.

Anyeoheseyo, Alice imnida. As most of you may have noticed I am the groom’s best man but it doesn’t mean I’m a man, I’m still a woman.

To this everyone laughed heartedly before falling silent once more, allowing me to continue my speech.

First and foremost, thank you everyone who came tonight. Bom, a word of caution, Seunghyun here is obsessed with his wines, furniture and paintings very much, but I’m sure he loves you more than his wines and artwork. And he can hold his alcohol to an almost lethal degree as I discovered during a friend’s 20’th birthday party when he suggested a night of tequila was the way to go. And mind that, it was not. It’s true when they say that when you are so drunk, the whole night was a blank. That was what I went through with Seunghyun here. Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions in life you would need to make. That is because if you choose wrongly, it can make your days mundane and it can out all the shine and colours of your life. And without realizing it, one day you wake up and years have gone by. Park Bom, you are one of the luckiest and unluckiest woman. Unlucky because Seunghyun here is the biggest whiniest cry baby I have ever met. He is a goofball. He is crazy. He is a weirdo but you are lucky because he has a tender heart. He is kind. He is compassionate. He is caring. He is loving. He is fiercely loyal. He is my best friend. And because of his friendship, my days were filled with splendid techno colours and it has even been there for me even in the darkest of days. So, I consider myself lucky and I hope I didn’t take it for granted. For which I think I might have taken for granted, cause sometimes you don’t see that the best thing that has ever happened to you is right there under your nose or when all odds are against you, you might miss it merely by a few moments.

I will always be there when you need me best. I will always listen to your dreams no matter how peculiar they get. I love you Choi Seunghyun, how a friend would love a friend and a sister loves a brother. I will always truly, honestly love you. Cheers to the bride and groom.

I raised my glass high, beaming a smile at the guest. I could feel lumps forming in my throat as I stuttered a thank you. Seunghyun’s stare pierced right through me, he was reading me like an open book. I felt my heart hurt with every word I said. Tears began welling in the corner of my eyes. I cracked a smile and bowed my head politely at everyone. The music began playing again and the crowd began flooding the dancefloor once more. I was fighting the urge to cry my hearts out and my eyes burned with every tear I held back. I swiftly got up and excited the wedding hall.

I hid myself behind a huge marble pillar a few feet away from the reception hall. I was squatting with my arms wrapped around my knees. I felt like a lost child. Tears couldn’t stop pouring down my face, I must let go of him screamed the voice at the back of my head. My heart broke into pieces as I watched the man I was in love with marrying another woman who was not me. He was more than just a best friend, but I came to that conclusion a little too late.

Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I quickly got up and wiped my tears before turning around.

“I realized something tonight.” Seunghyun said. With his thumb, he wiped away the tears that ran down my face and cupped my cheeks. I immediately pushed away his hands and turned away from him. He let out a heavy sigh. I stayed mimed, uncertain of what to say.

“I realized that you forgot that I was your first kiss and you were my first kiss.”

I stared confusingly at him. I stayed mimed. What bull is he talking about I thought to myself? From what I can recall, my first kiss was Jiyong.

“It was Jiyong’s 20^th birthday, after 5 shots of tequila, we kissed then you out and fainted. I called omma and carried you home. I wanted to talk about it the next day. I wanted us to be more because when we kissed it felt like fireworks were exploding, butterflies bursting in my chest and everyone else around us didn’t matter. I thought you felt the same but you said you were too embarrassed and to pretend it never happened. The fireworks and butterflies were all in my head, only my head. To this very day, I always thought you were too embarrassed of kissing me. I was honestly hurt.”

“That’s why you took Park Bom to the school dance.”

“And you went with Jiyong. And everything went downhill after that. We missed each other every time. When I was free, you had a boyfriend and when you were free, I was seeing someone. Maybe we should just take it as a sign that we’re just not meant to be.”

“I can’t believe how stupid I was. I just didn’t realize I was in love with you all these time.”

“Well, it’s just a little too late for that.”

Seunghyun’s eyes turned red as they welled up in tears. He sniffed and heaved a heavy sigh. Slowly he pulled me into his arms and planted a kiss on my forehead. His kiss lingered as I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I couldn’t say a thing and tears wouldn’t stop falling. When he finally pulled away, a bitter smile formed across his lips. He nervously rubbed his nape and exhaled loudly.

“You will find someone who loves you more than I do.”

With his hands inside his pocket, he turned around and walked towards the reception hall. He stole one last glance at me with the same bitter smile on his face. He was walking back to his bride.