2019

Alice: Can you believe my life now?

Hyunnie: Why? What’s up?

Alice: I’m nagging a 12-year-old about lipsticks! I don’t remember even being curious about lipsticks at that age! Aigoo!!

Hyunnie: She’s just an early bloomer. You worry too much!

Alice: And the music?! Aigoo!! The house can actually crumple to the ground! It’s so loud! Don’t get me started about when she’s in Jiyong’s studio. And I was told that studio is sound proof.

Hyunnie: She’s talented. Let her be, it could be her forte. You nag like an ahjumma! Yah! Give me back the usual Alice!

Alice: It’s true! They are so noisy! Especially when they get together.

Hyunnie: Who is they?

Alice: Lily and Yeonjun!

Hyunnie: Yeonjun? Our Yeonjun? Hot Dog? Lily’s namja chingu?

Alice: No silly! They are friends. Like us.

Hyunnie: Huh? Funny how things turn out. I’m glad they have each other.

Alice: I have to go. Lily has taekwondo practice.

Hyunnie: Ok. Tell her I said Hi!

“Omma!!” Lily shouted from the front door. I rushed and picked up my things, chanting under my breath trying to remember the errands I had to do for the day.

“Coming!” I said as I ran to the car where Lily was already buckled up in the passenger’s seat. I pulled out of the drive way and made my way to the sports centre. Lily scrolled through the radio stations which were mostly the DJ talking. It was a cold winter morning and the road was clear, no traffic at all. This is odd I thought to myself. Lily was happily humming to the song on the radio as she looked out the window. Suddenly my phone rang. Lily was quick to grab my phone from the dashboard. She looked at my phone screen for a while before picking up the call.

“Yeoboseyo. Halmeoni!” She happily picked greeted. I went on focusing on the drive, as we sped through the highway. She then the speaker, to which I heard my mother sobbing.

“Omma. Gwenchana?” I asked in alarm. All we could hear was her weeping, nonstop. She cried and cried without saying a thing.

“Omma. Tell me. Are you hurt? What happened? Why are you crying?” I asked. I was panicking. I have never heard my mother cry so much. A million thoughts ran through my head, most were worst case scenarios.

“Your dad passed away.” Was all she could say before she began sobbing again. At that moment, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Words that any child would never want to hear being said to them. I nearly lost control of the car as my mind wondered. Memories of my father began flashing in my head in a split second. Lily was holding back her tears as she held my arms. My baby girl is so strong, I thought to myself. I wiped my tears and began to regain myself. My dear mother was still crying so hard across the line.

“Where are you? We are coming.”

“I’m still at the hospital.”

“Arasso. Wait for us.”

I stepped on the accelerator as the car sped through the city of Seoul. My heart was pumping so hard against my chest.

“Call your father. Tell him what happened.”

Lily obediently scrolled through my phone for Jiyong’s number but only after a few seconds of yes, ok and uhms she puts down the phone. From the side of my eye I could see her solemn expression and I could already guess what Jiyong has said to her.

“He said he’s busy right now. But he’ll come home tonight.”

“Arasso. Your appa is working hard.”

“As if his fans are the only people who needs him.” She muttered under her breath. She was quite after that as she stared out the window.

“Don’t say that. He’s working hard for us.”

This was classic Jiyong. He would be sleeping at home once or twice a week. As Lily grew older and became less dependent on him, he slipped back into the bachelor’s way of life. He would spend most of his time in his studio. He kept postponing promises he made to Lily. There were times when tabloid reports would be saying he partied all night with girls. In the beginning I questioned him about it which would definitely end up in a messy fight with a lot of shouting and him leaving the house in the middle of the night. But I grew tired of asking, so I cared less.

The prayer service ended in midday on a beautiful Sunday morning. The air was humid and cold. The sun shone through clouds once it stopped snowing. There at the alter was a framed picture of appa. I made my way closer after greeting family members and friends who came to pay their respect. Jiyong was talking by the door with his group of friends from YG. Then there was a sudden tap on my shoulder.

“Alice.” She called with a smile on her face.

“Bom?” I asked puzzled. It has been years since I last saw her, in person at least. Well, she still had that y aura I hated.

“I know we haven’t been the best of friends but I’m here to pay my respect. I’m sorry for your lost.” She said.

“Ah, Kamsahamnida.” I bowed my head in respect to her.

“So how are you?” she asked.

“Well, same old I guess. How did you know about my dad?”

“Ah, see, I just signed a modelling contract with YG so since everyone in the company came, I thought I might too. I mean, we are no strangers right?”

“Ne. Anyway, I have to go.”

I continued to make my way towards the alter. I stared at appa’s picture. I remembered how people would stare at him whenever he sent me to school. To them he was the English lady’s husband. I could see the fine lines on his happy face. All his hair had turned white. I couldn’t remember exactly when he began aging because in my eyes he was always that strong young man who loved me despite my wrongs. Tears began flooding my eyes as regret began overwhelming me. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him because all of this was so sudden. He was never ill. Not once can I ever recall of him being sick. I tried to contain my feelings as I wiped all the tears from my face. I studied the flowers that surrounded his portrait. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of a plushie octopus. It was grey in colour with adorable animated eyes. On it was a card. I picked up the toy to read the card it had.

You always made me feel like I was your own son.

All my love, Seunghyunnie

What is this sick joke? I thought to myself because I hadn’t had the time to tell Seunghyun about this and the fact that he was a million miles away. I felt a pit in my stomach as I stared at the toy in my hand.

“Looks like you noticed my squid.” Said a familiar monotone voice from behind. I quickly turned around and there he was standing in front of me. He was wearing a black trench coat that contrasted so much with his platinum blond hair.

“Seriously? People come giving flowers. How are you here?”

He sniggered shyly as he swiftly pulled the toy from my hands.

“The moment I got news I just had to come. I hopped on the next plane out of New York. On the ride back here, I felt like this 10-year-old boy all over again. Memories of him repeated itself in my head, like a broken record. I remember how on summer days when I spent all my time at your house, when he would come home from work he never once failed to bring two packets of fried squid, one for you and one for me. Where ever he went, he would always have something for me. He always treated me like I was his son.”

At this point I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Nostalgic memories just kept coming back to me. How my dad would take Seunghyun and I to the park when we were 7 and we’d have ice cream on the way back and the times when both our fathers wanted to go fishing and they’d take Seunghyun, his sister and myself. We were miserable because to a teenager, fishing was something really dull and mind-numbing. Seunghyun pulled me into his arms and allowed me to cry on his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head without uttering a word. I could hear his heart beating despite his thick clothes. With his thumbs he wiped away my tears and held on to me tighter and the tears couldn’t stop flowing down my face.

“YOU BASTARD! HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!” Jiyong shouted in anger. He marched his way towards us and without a thought he threw a punch on Seunghyun’s face causing him to fall flat on his back. I gawked in horror as I stared at Seunghyun’s bloody face. This caused a commotion as guest who were still there began staring at us. Seunghyun got back on his feet, wiping the blood from his mouth.

“Jiyong you are drunk.” He said nonchalantly.

“Hyunnie ah, you’re hurt.” I interrupted as I scrambled to find a tissue from my handbag.

Jiyong sniffed and took of his sunglasses. He kept a stoic face on.

“I find funerals very difficult.” He answered.

“Yeah and Alice is having the best time of her life.”

“YAH! YOU DARE ANSWER ME LIKE THAT.” He shouted in rage once more. He advanced towards Seunghyun and grabbed him by his collar. The anger was in his eyes and his face flushed red.

“Guys please!” I shouted, pushing myself in between the two men who were grabbing each other’s collar.

“Appa! What are you doing?” asked our 12-year-old daughter who came in when she heard the uproar from outside. Jiyong immediately released Seunghyun’s collar and grabbed me by my arms. He yanked on me to follow him.

“We’re going home!” he announced. He was clearly still in fury and I tried my best to keep myself on his good side.

“Wait! I haven’t greeted Seunghyun appa yet.” She answered. She quickly ran over to Seunghyun and hugged him tightly.

I patted her head and high fived her. I was reminded how small she was when I first met her. How whenever I came home during Chuseok, she would beg me to give her candies because Alice refuses to give her any. I remembered how her little hand held only one of my finger when I brought her to the playground. I had a deep affection for this little girl who wasn’t even mine to begin with.

“Aigoo, look how big you’ve grown. I miss you Lily yah.”

“I miss you too. I’m almost grown up now. Do you have to go back to New York?”

“Yeah, I have a job there but I’ll be here until next week.”

“Wah jinjja? Let’s go to the amusement park. Please! Appa always says next time and omma keeps saying she hates the amusement park.”

“Wanna know a secret?” I asked teasingly.

“What secret?” Lily asked. I stared intently into her big brown eyes. In her eyes, I saw Alice. “The reason she hates amusement parks is that she is afraid of heights.” To this Alice snorted a small laughter. A tiny smile cracked at the corner of Alice’s lips and our eyes met. Like a shadow of our past, my heart ached thinking how those eyes will never see me how I see her. She is after all another man’s wife.