*this is a request by VixxNCha12 as a present for my little game back then.. I'm so so sorry this took me soo long 

Being a leader isn't all fun. Being a leader doesn't just mean standing at the centre and initiating the group's greeting. Being a leader doesn't just mean being the face of the group and a representative of the group. Being a leader doesn't just mean giving winning speeches and receiving trophies. 

Being a leader, there's much more than that. 

A leader is the group's first line of defence, the one who receives the most impact during attack. Being a leader means that you  must be ready to be responsible of the fault that are not yours. Being a leader also mean having to put your group before yourself . 

And N, of all people, knows that best. 

"How can he be a leader when it seems like s hate him so much that they're avoiding him? "

"He's so annoying. Why can't he leave s alone? "

"Look at Leo, he must hates N a lot, being forced to talk like that. Why can't N just understand him? "

"He's so shameless, boasting about his group when they barely have talents. "

"Leave me alone! "Leo demands, harshly pushing N away when the leader shoves the camera in front of his face. 

"Aww... come on, Leo-shi. Say good night to the viewers. "N coax with his ever so wide smile and even when Leo glares at him, he doesn't back away. "Come on, say it. "He urges. 

Taking a deep breath, Leo grudgingly says what N wanted him to say. He mutters a quiet 'good night' to the camera and satisfied, N finally shuts off the camera. 

"There. That wasn't so hard, was it? "N says, smiling but Leo continues to glare at him. 

"You're really, really annoying, Cha Hakyeon. "He spat before storming off. 

N smiles bitterly at that. Yes, he knows Leo finds him annoying because he always disturb him and bug him and forces him to do things he hates. But he has a reason for doing all that. If he doesn't do it, if he doesn't force Leo to do those things, Leo would just fade into the background. People would might actually forget that Leo is a part of VIXX and he doesn't want that. 

He wants each of them to get equal attention, equal love. And even if the cost is him being seen as annoying, he would gladly accept it, because he wants Leo to shine as well. 

"Again. "N instructs from where he's standing at the corner of the practice room, watching Ken as he dances to their latest choreography. 

"But I'm tired, hyung. And its already late. "Ken whines in hope that N would let him go but the leader shakes his head. 

"Just one more time. You still haven't got the moves right. "he reasons but Ken huffs in frustration before promptly sitting down on the floor, crossing his arms. 

"No. "He says stubbornly. "I'm tired and hungry and I want to go home. "He says, causing N to sigh heavily. 

"You can go home. But after you do it one more time. "He coax yet Ken is having enough of him.

"You've said that one more time so many times already, hyung! I'm not doing it anymore! "Ken lashes out angrily. "I know you're good in dancing and all that but that doesn't give you the right to force this to me. You can't force me to be as good as you are! "

"Jaehwan... "N mumbles, not knowing how to explain his intention to that certain member of his. He never want to force Ken to be as good as him, ever. He just wants Ken to be good for himself because he knows Ken can do it as long as he try hard enough. 

Ken doesn't wait for N to say what he wanted to and instead, he just gather his belongings and stash them inside his bag before standing up. "I hate you for this. "He says sharply and just like that, he leaves. 

N blinks. Does he deserve to be hated for wanting the best for s? 

"They said it wasn't good enough. "Ravi mumbles, eyeing his music sheets with teary eyes. "I did my very best but they still said that it wasn't good enough. "

N just watches as Ravi continues to rant and finally break down into tears and the only thing he can do to comfort him is to hug him and mutters sweet nothings into his ears. "It'll get better. You can do better. "He assures but Ravi isn't having any of it. 

"What do you know?! You never compose! You never write lyrics! You'll never know how hard it is! "Ravi screams, pushing N away from him and N couldn't deny it because he's right. But it doesn't mean that he couldn't help . 

Secretly, N gathers all those rejected music sheets and when Ravi finally left, he, all alone, returns to the company's building and demand to see their CEO. 

"I told Wonshik, didn't I? It's just not good enough. "The CEO says when once again, N asks him to review those music sheets. 

"Then tell me which part it is that isn't good enough. I'll tell Wonshik to fix it. "N pleads but the CEO shakes his head. 

"That's not the only problem. The genre also isn't that popular nowadays. If he wants his song to be well known, then he should write the genre that's popular. "He reasons and that actually makes N fumes in anger. 

"Wonshik doesn't want his song to be popular! He just wants other people to get to listen to them! Who cares if his songs follow the trend or not! "He lashes out,startling the CEO who never really saw that VIXX's leader so angry. 

"Sorry, I'm just... I'm sorry. "N quickly apologises, realising that he has been disrespectful. 

The CEO sigh heavily as he takes the music sheets once again. "Fine. I'll see what can be fixed and I'll consider if we can put any of these into your next album. "He declares. 

Glad to hear that, N immediately bows. "Thank you. Thank you so much! "He exclaims, smiling so wide that it should hurt. 

The CEO nods and waves him away but before he can leave, the CEO gives him a warning in a displeased tone. 

"Hakyeon, next time you talk to me like that, I'll not let you off so easily. "

N hasn't seen Hongbin for more than 3 weeks and eventhough Hongbin did tell him that he's going to go home for a while, 3 weeks is such a long time . 

Worried, N has tried calling him and texting him but he never replied, as if he's purposely ignoring N. N has even went to his home but he wasn't there. 

"I haven't seen Hongbin for quite some time now. "Their vocal trainer say when N attends his vocal class that day. 

"Hongbin... he's home, with his family. "N says, not sure if what he said is right because well, the last time he went to his house, Hongbin isn't there. 

"Home? Did he drop out? "The vocal trainer asks, frowning, and N quickly denies. 

"No, no! He's just... taking some time off. "N excuses. 

"Oh. But if he's gone for too long then you know his contract can be terminated, right? "The vocal trainer reminds and dread fills N. 

"Y-yeah... I'll tell him that. "He assures and right that afternoon, he once again goes to Hongbin's house, where thankfully, he comes across Hongbin who's about to go out. 

"Hongbin! "He calls out and Hongbin who's suprised by his appearance, tries to run away but he stopped him. "Where are you going?! Why didn't you  come back to the dorm?! "He half yells, gripping onto the latter's wrist tightly that it's sure to leave bruise. 

"I'm quitting! "Hongbin exclaims, pushing N away from him. "I'm tired of all the practices and I've given up! "

N is taken aback by that. "Quit? "He echoes. "You can't do that! "

"Yes, I can! I--"

"Isn't being an idol your dream? Isn't singing your dream? Isn't being on stage with me your dream? Are you going to just abandon all your dreams when we're just months away from debuting ?! "N demands in frustration and Hongbin goes quiet. "Come on, Hongbin. Come back with me. Everyone is waiting for you, do you know that? "N coax. 

"Everyone? "Hongbin asks in disbelief. 

N nods. "Yes, everyone. Taekwoon, Jaehwan, Wonshik... even Hyuk asked for you. "He tells him. "Lets go back together, okay? "

 Hongbin's face changes into an ureadable expression. "But if I come back, I'll be scolded, wouldn't I? Our trainers, our CEO, they'll be furious at me. "He voices out his concern and N can't deny that because he knows it's the truth. 

"Then we'll be scolded together. It's my fault too, for letting you go the way you did. "N says with a reassuring smile and it manages to change Hongbin's mind. 

"Okay. "He says. "I'll come back with you. "

And so, together, they return to the dorm and of course, they are chewed out by the CEO and their trainers, just like Hongbin feared. But rather than Hongbin, it's N who's scolded worse because according to them, N didn't do his job as a leader properly. 

It offends and hurts N when they said that, but he endured the scolding quietly till the end because he knows being scolded that badly is worth it if it means having Hongbin back with them. 

When N knows that Hyuk is going to debut with them, the first thing that he felt was worry. Not for himself but for Hyuk. He knows how hard it is to finally be debuting, he himself has been waiting for years and all of a sudden, comes this scrawny under trained teenager casually making his way. He's happy for him, he really does but he knows some of s aren't. They felt like it is unfair and yes , he admits it is unfair but still, he supports whoever it is that gets to debut. Perhaps their CEO sees potential in Hyuk that they couldn't see. 

He feels bad for Hyuk when he sees the maknae being left out, both intentionally and unintentionally. He knows s wasn't ready to accept Hyuk as one of them but it isn't an excuse to make him feel unwanted. Hyuk have a right to be there, just like the rest of them and N knows it's his duty to make sure the maknae knows that. 

"Arent you coming with us? "N has asked when one day , they're making a plan to go watch some movie yet Hyuk remains silent. 

"Its okay. "Hyuk mutters quietly, feeling the glare directed to him from the people he's supposed to call his group. 

"But you never spend any time with us outside of our group activity! "N exclaims, he knows the reason why Hyuk never did so but he wants to get the members ' reaction to that fact. 

"He's busy with his school. Let him be, hyung. We're going to be late. "Hongbin has said nonchalantly, urging N to just let the maknae be. 

"Okay. You go down first. I'm going to grab my things. "N tells him with a smile as usual and Hongbin doesn't waste any time to leave the dorm, followed closely by the others. 

N sees the longing look in Hyuk eyes as soon as they left and he really feels bad for him. This isn't supposed to happen, he knows that. "You can come with us, you know? "He offers and Hyuk sighs. 

"It's fine. I have some school work anyway. "He says but N sees right through him. 

"I know you want to. "He says and it earns him a scoff. 

"Even if I want to, they doesn't want me to. And I know you don't too. You don't want me here. "Hyuk suddenly lashes out but N remains calm, he has expected this to happen sooner or later. "I know you would rather have Nakhun-hyung, right? I know you hate me. "

"Hyukie, it's nothing like that. I don't hate you and neither do the others. We just need some time to warm up to you and you should make an effort to open up to us too. "N advises as nicely as he could but it backfired. 

"Oh? So it's my fault, hyung? It's my fault for not opening up to you when all you did was push me away? It hurts to feel unwanted, do you know that?! "Hyuk is on the verge of tears when he says that and so is N. He really doesn't want his maknae to feel like this. "I wouldn't be surprise if you're the reason the hyungs are hating on me. "He accuses and it totally took N by surprise. 

Out of all the things he has expected Hyuk to say, that wasn't one of it. "Hyuk! How could you think like that?! I'll never do such thing, I swear! I have no reason to! "He's hurt, really hurt by the accusation . 

"You're their leader. Even before all these, you were their leader. They listen to you, I can see that. You influence them, whether you realise it or not. So if you hate me, they will too. "Hyuk is sobbing by thay time and N's own dam of tears has broke too. 

"Hyuk, I never hate you! "He tries to convince but Hyuk have his own belief that he holds strongly to. The belief that it is N who makes the others hate him and nothing the leader says will make him change his belief. "What should I do to make yourself  believe me? To make you trust me? "He pleads.

"Make the hyungs like me. "Hyuk's request is simple but it took N months of sleepless night to do that. It took a lot of anger and hatred from s before he could achieve that. 

But when he finally see how Hyuk could laugh freely with the rest of them, he think it's worth it. Eventhough those accusation the maknae threw at him will never not hurt, it's okay. He can endure. 

It has been 5 years. 5 years since he's officially VIXX's leader. 5 years since he started to carry the burden of a group on his shoulder. 5 years of pain and 5 years of unappreciated sacrifices. 

N now is an N that have a lot of hidden scars. Scars that came from the judgement of the world , scars that came from the will to survive, scars that came from the words of the haters and also, scars from his own members. 

If someone could see through him, they'll know how ugly he looks deep inside. He isn't the perfect leader they all thought he is. He have his own scars that he carries with him but as much as those scars remind him of his painful times, they also remind him of how far he's gone. Of how much sacrifices he made. Of how hard he's worked. 

And seeing where he stands right now, where s stand right now, where their group stands right now, he knows its worth it. 

Seeing how Leo is no longer that cold city guy he once was, how Ken can now dance with confidence, how Ravi is proud with his works, how Hongbin no longer doubt his place and how Hyuk treats them closer than he could ever imagine, he knows his sacrifices and his scars are worth it. 

Even now, he's ready to sacrifice anything and everything for them.