[CHAPTER 8]

“ Rainy Season “

He thought his heart would stop at any minute as he just witnessed Hakyeon almost getting hit by a car.

“It hurts, Hongbin-ah,” Hakyeon told the younger as Hongbin pulled him away by the wrist.

But the younger seems as if he could hear nothing.

Even Hakyeon could tell that Hongbin was upset.

“I didn’t mean to-“

Just before Hakyeon could explain any further, Hongbin opened the door to the bookstore and shoved Hakyeon inside from the rain.

He didn’t let go of Hakyeon’s wrists though.

His hands are… shaking, Hakyeon noticed.

There was only silence in the air as the rain continued to pour harshly outside. The wind hit the windows harshly and made an eerie sound through the cracks, which sent Hakyeon shivers down his spines. He didn’t know what was wrong with Hongbin except there was definitely something wrong.

Was Hongbin worried about him?

“I’m sorry, Hongbin-ah. You must’ve been scared,” Hakyeon tried to explain once more. “I really didn’t mean to get myself killed back there. I swear. I just zoned out for a minute and… thank you for saving me.”

Hakyeon grew worried and afraid to see the expression on Hongbin’s face. Did he accidently traumatize the younger? He didn’t mean to, honestly.

Hakyeon was only absent-minded and frustrated with himself for forgetting such an important day.

“Hongb-“

“Enough.” Hongbin finally spoke. “Sorry… I need some time to cool my head down and think. Go home once the rain stops.”

Before Hakyeon could respond and see what sort of expression was on Hongbin’s face, Hongbin have already let go of the older’s hands and went upstairs.

*  *  *  *  *  *

“Hakyeonie? Earth to Hakyeon, can you hear me?” Minhyuk tried to get Hakyeon’s attention.

“S-sorry, Minhyuk-ah. What is it?” Hakyeon was obviously preoccupied by his thoughts.

“You’re completely in a daze. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“The other day… I almost got into an accident.”

“What?!” Minhyuk jolt and started to hover around Hakyeon to see if he was all right,” you’re not hurt anywhere are you? Let me see.”

“I’m fine,” Hakyeon told him. “Hongbin saved me.”

“He did? Then why the long face?”

“I might’ve made him angry… or even traumatized him from almost being in an accident.”

“What do you mean?” Minhyuk scratched his head.

“Ever since the other day, he wouldn’t talk to me anymore and just won’t meet me in the eye even when we bump into each other. He thought I was getting myself killed on purpose and was really mad too.”

“That’s weird. Why would he be mad at you? Did you tell him you didn’t do it on purpose?”

“I did but it seems like he wasn’t listening to me at all…”

Hakyeon didn’t mean it. He really didn’t. In fact, he was thankful that Hongbin came to his rescue but he didn’t think the accident would end up changing the younger’s attitude towards him.

Again… those words kept repeating inside of Hakyeon’s head. What did he mean by again?

Hakyeon wanted to know why Hongbin was so upset even though it wasn’t him that almost got hit by a car. Shouldn’t he be happy that Hakyeon was safe because of him?

Every time Hakyeon passed by the bookstore, he was afraid of stepping foot inside because he was afraid that the younger would avert his gaze and look away from the older again. Hakyeon felt as if he had done something awfully wrong towards Hongbin but no matter how many times he tried to explain himself or apologize, Hongbin did not speak a word.

The usual talkative and sharp-tongued Hongbin suddenly turned into someone Hakyeon wasn’t familiar with.

And that scared Hakyeon a lot more than he thought it would.

“Please, just talk to me again…” Hakyeon pleaded as he passed by Hongbin’s front door, tempted to knock on them.

Just then, the door clicked open.

Strangely, the sight of Hongbin made Hakyeon feel relieved again.

“Hongbin-ah!” Hakyeon couldn’t help but feel happy to see the younger finally.

But Hongbin did not respond, only silently averting Hakyeon’s gaze once more.

“Hongbin…?” Hakyeon gulped.

“Take out your hands,” Hongbin finally said. His voice was so unemotional and weak that it was almost too unsettling. 

However, Hakyeon was obedient.

Hongbin went inside his apartment and came back out with several books in his hands. He placed them in Hakyeon’s arms.

“Read these,” he told the older.

“Huh?” Hakyeon was puzzled by the sudden command.

“Don’t come to the bookstore for awhile.”

“W-what?”

“Also, you don’t need to make dinner anymore.”

“Wait, what do you mean? You’re not still upset about the other day are you? I already told y-“

“I need time alone,” Hongbin told the younger. “Please… leave me alone for the time being. I beg you.”

The younger looked almost lifeless as he spoke those words to Hakyeon. It almost broke Hakyeon’s heart as he saw such a sudden change in Hongbin’s eyes. The tone he spoke to the older, his gestures and everything was different from the usual Hongbin that Hakyeon was familiar with.

At least, that’s what he thought he was familiar with. The Hongbin that appeared for barely a minute within Hakyeon’s eyes seemed as if he was someone else. It felt so foreign and unfamiliar that Hakyeon was only left speechless and afraid.

As Hongbin had demanded, Hakyeon was left alone to finish the books that the younger gave him. But unlike the usual Hakyeon who would dive into every book he reads, he found himself unable to focus on any of the words that formed on the pages. None of the text made sense and only seems as if they were nonsensical scribbles on every page.

It became so hard to read. Nothing went into his mind as he kept thinking about the younger.

“Dammit, why do I care?!” Hakyeon shouted.

He was becoming more and more upset as he thought about it. What right does Hongbin have to be so angry with Hakyeon when it was Hakyeon that almost got hit by a car? If it was the usual Hongbin, the younger would be bragging that he saved Hakyeon’s life… right?

Hakyeon doesn’t know anymore.

He finally realized just how little he really knows about the younger.

*  *  *  *  *  *

“What’s wrong with Hakyeonie?” Eunji asked Minhyuk.

The two friends watched Hakyeon spacing out in the teacher’s lounge, looking just as gloomy as the weather outside.

“Seems like Hongbin is ignoring him,” Minhyuk informed her.

“Hongbin? That bookstore clerk?”

“Yeah.”

“Hakyeon-ah,” Eunji decided to approach Hakyeon.

“Hmm?” Hakyeon answered weakly as he stared outside at the grey sky.

“Why don’t you talk it out with that young man. Lee Hongbin, was it?” Eunji suggested.

“He… told me to leave him alone,” Hakyeon said, sounding as if he was about to cry.

“How dare he?!” Minhyuk was mad. “I’ll go and teach him a lesson for you!”

“Wait! It’s not his fault!” Hakyeon pulled Minhyuk back. “It’s not his fault… It’s mine.”

“No it isn’t! You’re the one that almost got killed yet he’s the one mad at you? He should be thankful you’re still alive and happy for it. How dare he tells you to go away like that!”

“Calm down, Minhyuk-ah. What good will it do Hakyeonie if you’re going to pick a fight with Hongbin?” Eunji asked him.

“I don’t know! But it pisses me off with that arrogant attitude of his! Who does he think he is?!”

Eunji sighed knowing how hot-tempered Minhyuk could get when it comes to his friends.

“Hakyeon-ah, can I ask you something?” she asked.

“Hmm?”

“Why are you so sad that Hongbin told you to leave him alone? How are you feeling inside? Angry? Upset?”

“I…”

Hakyeon couldn’t really find the answer to her question.

All he knew was that, there was a sudden feeling of emptiness within him. He hasn’t known Hongbin that long and they seldom talk to each other about anything. Hakyeon doesn’t know anything about the younger nor has he told anything in particular about himself to Hongbin either.

Yet, not having Hongbin around suddenly, made Hakyeon feel… lonely.

That’s right.

Hakyeon, who should have gotten used to the loneliness by now after leaving his hometown, was feeling even lonelier now that Hongbin wasn’t by his side.

He would accidently make dinner for two even though he was no longer obligated to go next door to prepare dinner for the younger every night. He’s even taken detours around the bookstore a few times to see if he could catch a small glimpse at how Hongbin was doing after work was over but each time he passed by the store, Hongbin was never there.

There was no one to bug him or like usual. A voice was missing. Hongbin’s presence was suddenly gone from Hakyeon’s everyday.

Hakyeon has become so used to having Hongbin around that he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He was comfortable around the younger and he was able to be himself whenever Hongbin was around. But now, everything felt as if they have reverted back to before.

*  *  *  *  *  *

The rain never once stopped this season.

It was as if it was reflecting what was inside of Hakyeon’s heart.

The sky was constantly gloomy and the dark clouds were keeping the sun hidden behind. The rain kept falling so much that it began to leak through the roofs.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

It was endless.

Hakyeon huddled around in his bed as he watched the rain continue to fall from the sky.

He stared at the bucket he placed by the corner to catch the fallen rain, one drop at a time.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Then, he looked at the pile of books on his desk. The books that Hongbin had given him many, many days ago.

He’s already lost count how many days it has been since he’s last seen or talk to the younger.

“I know!” Hakyeon finally shot up from his spot.

He grabbed the books and an umbrella as he dashed out the front doors.

 Hurry, he told himself as he sprinted through the neighborhood. He ran so fast that he didn’t even pay attention to the puddles that were ahead of him. I have to hurry.

He continued to run forward as the rain grew heavier and heavier. But he didn’t care.

Eventually, he arrived at the doorsteps.

Right outside the bookstore.

But the doors were locked. The lights were off and the sign clearly said ‘CLOSED’.

“It can’t be…” Hakyeon felt as if all his hopes were suddenly shattered.

He wanted to return the books to Hongbin and tell the younger he finally finished reading them. It took him a lot longer than usual but at least, he finished what Hongbin told him to do. He honestly couldn't remember the stories or contents of what he read but at least he read them. He clenched onto the books as he stared at the closed bookstore, eyes on the verge of crying.

“What are you doing here?”

Hakyeon looked back in surprised and finally, after so many countless days, Hongbin was standing in front of him again.

“I…”

Hakyeon suddenly found himself choking to find the right words. He was relieved to see Hongbin again but he was also nervous by the younger who has finally appeared in front of him.

“I finished the books you gave me,” he finally said.

Hongbin let out a seemingly disappointing sigh.

“Come in,” he said.

The moment the doors opened, the tin cans began to clank. It was a nostalgic sound that Hakyeon found himself missing quite a lot.

The bookstore remained the same.

Nothing has changed and the same old vintage scents emitted from the hundreds of books within the store.

Hakyeon missed this place a lot but more so, he found himself missing Hongbin.

“Sorry the books got a bit wet. I tried to cover it up from the rain but…” Hakyeon apologized.

“It’s fine,” Hongbin said indifferently.

Hakyeon placed them onto the counter quietly as he realized that Hongbin’s attitude towards him was still the same as before. What did I do wrong? Why are you like this suddenly… I want to ask but… he bit his lips, trying to prevent his words from coming out. 

Hongbin’s back was facing towards him as Hakyeon stood there in front of the counter. He was afraid to even move a step anywhere else in the bookstore. He thought everything would be fine after seeing the younger again but somehow, the tense atmosphere and the silence only made it hard for him to breathe.

Hakyeon couldn’t help but feel uninvited as he stood at the center of the store.

“I should leave…” Hakyeon said in a quiet and unwilling voice.

Just as he turned around, a towel flopped onto his head. Hongbin approached him and started to ruffle through Hakyeon’s damp hair.

Thump.

The younger was so close suddenly that it made Hakyeon feel rather flustered. He was feeling pampered by someone younger than him and he didn’t know what to say.

Through the small gaps of the towel, he found himself unable to take his eyes off Hongbin. Indeed, Hongbin was good-looking.

Those big eyes, that sharp nose and defined jawline… it’s been awhile since Hakyeon saw them up-close like this.

 How long has it been? Hakyeon thought as he started to count backwards to the day he last talked to Hongbin. He doesn’t know why but he’s been yearning for the day to talk to Hongbin once more.

Hakyeon and Hongbin’s height wasn’t that different from one another’s and it made it even harder for Hakyeon to look away. He kept staring and staring as the younger continued to dry his hair.

Then, Hongbin stopped.

He could feel the older’s gaze through the towel and eventually, as he placed the towel down, their eyes met one another’s.

Hongbin leaned in slowly.

And Hakyeon, as if waiting for something to happen, closed his eyes.

If it was Hongbin, Hakyeon would be more than willing.

Their lips were just a few centimeters away and Hakyeon could feel the younger leaning closer towards him. But Hongbin did not do anything.

Or rather, he stopped right before doing anything at all.

“Go home,” he said and moved back.

“W-what?” Hakyeon couldn’t help but feel disappointed. He was being hopeful for something to happen… what was I hoping for?

“The rain stopped.”

Hakyeon looked outside and saw the sun that has never happened once these past week or so suddenly appearing at such a crucial time.

He never thought he’d be so disappointed to see the sun as he did at this moment.

“I…” Hongbin said.

“Hmm?”

“I’ll be away for a bit. There’s something I need to do back home.”

Home? Overseas? Hakyeon remembers.

“So the bookstore will be closed for the time being. There’s no point of coming here so just… go home.”

Before Hakyeon could understand the situation or even ask why Hongbin was going away, he found himself back outside.

Though the rain has finally subsided, Hakyeon found himself in tears as he slowly dragged his feet back to his apartment.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Clank, clank, clank.

The doors slammed and the tin cans responded.

Hongbin fell to the hard wooden floor.

“Dammit, dammit, dammit!” he bit his lips, hoping that the pain would make his heart stop.

Don’t do this to yourself, he told himself. No good will come out of it. Nothing.

“Why did you have to look at me like that, Cha Hakyeon?”

He recalls how close he was to Hakyeon’s face just minutes ago. If he didn’t stop himself in time, who knows what would have happened.

You know you can’t, he reminded himself once more. Don’t fall for him. You know you can’t and you mustn’t. No matter how hard you try… you will never replace that person in Hakyeon’s heart. The person who Hakyeon gave his everything to…