[CHAPTER 11]

“ What You Shouldn’t Be Feeling “

Ding. Dong. Ding.

The class has finally ended.

All of the students went out of the classroom in order to rush back home. They all looked rather tired from all the schoolwork that even Hakyeon almost felt sorry for them. But as a teacher, he knew that he couldn’t simply sympathize his students and treat them differently compared to the other teachers.

He walked along the hallways and waved his students farewell. He tried to keep a happy smile on and give them encouraging words before the weekends. He knew that they would need the support and it’s no wonder why he was favored amongst the students.

“Hyung! You’re done?” Sanghyuk came running to meet up with Hakyeon who passed along the hallways.

“Mhmm. You?”

“Same here. Let’s go to the teacher’s lounge together.”

“Okay!”

Sanghyuk couldn’t help but keep looking at Hakyeon who appears so brightly and happily. Though this side was quite well known amongst the students already, Sanghyuk could tell the difference between Hakyeon’s acting and truly being happy. And the Hakyeon who was walking by his side at the moment, was truly happy. How long has it been since I’ve seen him so happy as if he had no care in the world?

“What is it?” Hakyeon noticed the younger staring.

“N-nothing. Sorry for staring at you. It’s just… you look so happy again,” Sanghyuk said.

“Should I not be happy?”

“No! Of course not!” Sanghyuk bursted out, afraid he might have ended up hurting Hakyeon’s feelings, “it’s just that… it really reminds me of when we were younger, that’s all.”

Hakyeon patted Sanghyuk on the back.

“You’ve been worried about me haven’t you?” the older asked while feeling sorry for the younger who couldn’t stop looking out for him. Sometimes even Hakyeon forgets who is the older one especially now that Sanghyuk have grown even taller then him.

“You’ve always looked out for me too ever since I was young. Back then, I had no goal and no dream. I was lost and didn’t know why or what I was studying for. My parents have always had high expectations for me and they’ve always pressured me to become something greater. But you were the only one who saw and understood me. Your encouragement and support was more than just being my tutor, you helped me the most when I was lost. So of course I’d want to watch out for you too.”

“Hyogi-ah…” Hakyeon was touched by Sanghyuk’s truthful and sincere words. “Thank you.”

“Hyung, are you truly happy again?”

Hakyeon nodded.

“That’s good then. That’s all I need.”

Both Hakyeon and Sanghyuk spent their after school hours catching up on stories of their past. They talked about the first time they met and all the things that stood out in their memories. Some were sad, some were happy but all of those memories in which they shared together was a part of who they are and what they’ve become. Though Hakyeon had a rough time ever since he was in Changwon, he realized that even his past was something that made him who he is now. If it wasn’t for that person leaving him, Hakyeon would not have thought to escape from his hometown and end up in Gwangju after all.

Maybe it’s thanks to that, that Hakyeon was able to meet Hongbin here in Gwangju.

He smiled a bit thinking about all the bittersweet memories that ran through his mind.

“Hyogi-ah,” he called out.

“Hmm?”

“I can’t wait until you meet him.”

“Him?”

“I met someone here in Gwangju not too long ago. His name is Lee Hongbin.”

Sanghyuk jolt a bit since he felt guilty for digging into a stranger’s background without the knowledge of his respected hyung.

“I thought I’d never move on, you know? Because that person was all I had and who I thought would be the only one. Do you think I’m being unfaithful here?” Hakyeon asked.

“No, of course not. It took you a long time to move on from that person! All those times in which you hid away since that person left... I don’t want to see that again. That’s why I’m happy you’ve decided to move on. You deserve being happy,” Sanghyuk held Hakyeon’s hand and tried to convey his earnest wish for the older.

“You think so?”

Sanghyuk nodded honestly.

“Hongbin helped me out a lot even though he didn’t intend to. He just stayed by my side in silence without saying anything or asking about my past. I didn’t have a good impression of him at first you know, but after getting to know him more and having his company, I no longer know how I would feel if he wasn’t here.”

“Hyung…”

“That’s why I want you to meet him. I know you worry a lot about me, so I think you and Hongbin should meet so that you can see what kind of person he is.”

“That’s a bit…” Sanghyuk didn’t dare to tell the older that he’s already met Hongbin.

“I know the two of you will get along. I haven’t said anything about you to Hongbin yet since I didn’t intend to let him know about what happened in the past but I think the two of you should meet. The both of you are quite similar one way or another.”

“You didn’t say anything about me to him?” Sanghyuk suddenly felt confused.

“No, not yet. He’s hinted multiple times before about wanting to know about my past but I never once told him. I haven’t really said anything about my work either. Whenever we meet, we just read and talk a bit but never about anything too personally. So, I haven’t said anything about you or what happened in Changwon to Hongbin yet.”

Then… how does Lee Hongbin know about me being from Changwon like Hakyeon-hyung?

*  *  *  *  *  *

It was finally the long awaited weekends that Hakyeon was looking forward to. He got up right before his alarm went off and hopped off of his bed in excitement.

He haven’t felt so awake in so long and he was anticipating the plans he made for later.

It’s going to be his and Hongbin’s official first date.

Hakyeon almost couldn’t sleep last night just thinking about it. Since Hongbin had to attend the bookstore in the morning that day, the two of them decided to meet at the subway station instead. Hakyeon took a quick shower and pampered himself up.

He even dug out a new outfit that he bought ages ago, just to wear it finally on this day. He couldn’t contain his excitement and his heart was beating so loudly that he wasn’t able to calm down. It’s been so long since he’s had this feeling, it’s been so long since he’s had a date.

Hakyeon was confident with himself that he would plan out the perfect date with Hongbin and the younger let Hakyeon do as he pleased.

Looking at his clock, Hakyeon knew it was time to leave the house or else he would end up being late. He walked quickly out of his house and straight to the station to wait for Hongbin to arrive.

I’m early, Hakyeon thought as he looked at his watch.

After a few minutes, he looked around and at his watch once more. Hongbin was late for five minutes and there wasn’t a single message.

Hakyeon felt a bit more anxious as he waited another few minutes. I hope nothing bad happened to him while he was coming here…

After ten minutes have passed since their arranged time, Hakyeon couldn’t hold back his anxiety and decided to call the younger. The call didn’t go through.

Hakyeon couldn’t stay still since there was no answer and it was already more than ten minutes. He decided to turn around and ready to head to the bookstore just to make sure. But just as he was about to exit the station, he saw Hongbin walking towards him.

“Hongbin-ah!” Hakyeon waved. “Over here.”

Hongbin stared at Hakyeon from top to bottom, and in an instant, he knew that Hakyeon was wearing an entirely new outfit. But he didn’t say anything and just walked up to meet up with the older.

“Sorry, I’m late,” he said. But he didn’t seem to look very sorry as he was slowly walking towards Hakyeon rather than rushing towards the older.

Hakyeon didn’t mind though. He was just glad that Hongbin came to meet him safe and sound.

“Let’s go,” Hongbin said.

“Mhmm,” Hakyeon followed happily by his side.

The two were standing there in the middle of the packed train as it was the weekends. Hakyeon stood so close to Hongbin that he could feel the younger breathing next to him. His heart pounded uncontrollably.

He wanted to stare at the younger’s handsome face but at the same time, he was too shy to do so. All he knew was that the younger really was an eye-candy. Even the girls on the train was staring at Hongbin which made Hakyeon a bit jealous.

Hongbin glanced at Hakyeon.

“So where are we going?” the younger asked.

“U-um, there’s this new café in downtown that’s really good apparently. I thought maybe you would like to go check it out?” Hakyeon stuttered a bit since Hongbin’s voice felt so close to him.

“I see…”

Hongbin didn’t sound as excited for this date as Hakyeon was but Hakyeon was confident with his planning that he would make the younger have fun during their first date. Hongbin did mention that he’s never gone out with anyone before so that made Hakyeon the first one. Just thinking about being Hongbin’s first made Hakyeon all jittery inside again.

After getting off the crowded train, Hakyeon took Hongbin to the café but as soon as they got to the entrance, they saw a huge line of people waiting to be seated.

“The waiting time will take approximately forty-five minutes,” the waiter told them.

Oh no, Hakyeon panicked a bit since it was not a part of his calculations. He looked at the younger to see Hongbin’s reactions and he saw that Hongbin had let out a sigh.

“S-should we go somewhere else?” Hakyeon felt nervous for making Hongbin wait.

“Yeah, this line-up is impossible. Let’s go,” Hongbin said and walked forward.

The two of them eventually went to a nearby park with a small café stand. It was just as crowded as the previous place they went to and there were many people at the park during the weekends. It wasn’t so private for Hakyeon and Hongbin.

Hakyeon couldn’t help but feel bad that his plans were ruined already before it even started. He fidgeted around with his hands from the anxiety and trying to read Hongbin’s expression since the younger never said anything and simply went along with wherever Hakyeon was taking him.

After lunch was done, the two of them walked around downtown to shop and browse around. Hakyeon pulled Hongbin excitedly to places he’s been to before since he knew that the younger have never really gone anywhere outside their neighborhood.

“Look, isn’t this cute?” Hakyeon asked excitedly while he showed the younger a collection of porcelain dolls on display in front of the antique shop.

“Yeah…” Hongbin looked rather disinterested.

Is he bored? Am I boring? Hakyeon began to think. But he didn’t want to let that put him down.

After some browsing around and buying a few souvenirs, the two of them picked out a movie to watch. It was a new movie that Hakyeon have wanted to watch since it was based off one of his favorite novels. The two of them sat at a perfect spot in the theatre and Hakyeon was completely immersed in the movie. But during a much quieter scene, he glanced to his right to see how Hongbin was doing.

The younger placed his hands on his cheeks and leaned on his arms as if looking rather disinterested in the movie, unlike Hakyeon.

Did he fail again for trying to make Hongbin have a good time together?

“Are you not having fun?” Hakyeon finally asked as they left the theatre.

“Huh? No. It was alright,” Hongbin answered.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Hakyeon smiled a bit finally at hearing those words and continued on with the rest of his plans for the date.

*  *  *  *  *  *

After a long day outside, the night has grown completely dark and it was time to go home. There wasn’t many people walking around and everyone was trying to catch the train or the bus. Hakyeon felt as if the day went by too fast and there was still so much left undone.

Honestly, his plan for the perfect first date with Hongbin did not go as he anticipated. Rather than a date, it felt more as if he was forcefully dragging the younger around to places he wanted to go or thought that it was fun. Hongbin didn’t seem to be enjoying himself that much and he was too afraid to ask whether or not the younger was getting tired of him.

It was their first date yet they weren’t able to do anything intimate or even get very close with one another since they were out in public. Hakyeon sighed as he saw Hongbin walk a bit ahead after getting off the bus and going back to their neighborhood.

Hongbin didn’t say a word since they got off the bus and simply walked up the familiar hills back home. But Hakyeon couldn’t help but want to hold the younger back. He still had so much he wanted to do with Hongbin.

Hakyeon followed silently behind the younger and stared at the younger’s hands in front of him.

I really want to hold those hands… he thought as he was tempted to reach out and grab Hongbin’s hands.

But he couldn’t since anyone could see them at any time and he didn’t want unnecessary rumors spreading around and damaging Hongbin’s reputation. Hakyeon would not want that so he simply followed Hongbin back.

After a few minutes, he could see their apartment complex nearing in the distance. Soon, he would have to say goodbye to Hongbin and end their night.

Hakyeon really didn’t want that.

He couldn’t help but drag his feet unwillingly down the road and closer to home. As he continued to look down onto the ground, Hongbin stopped right in front, causing Hakyeon to bump into him.

“S-sorry,” Hakyeon said.

Hongbin looked at the older who seemed rather distracted then gave out a sigh.

“What’s wrong?” the older asked.

“I should be asking you that,” Hongbin said.

“Me? Nothing is wrong,” Hakyeon tried to act tough.

Hongbin stared at the older for a good minute and grabbed Hakyeon by the wrist. He pulled the older out of the light and out of sight. It was the first time the younger touched Hakyeon at all today and it made Hakyeon’s heart beat out of control.

The younger leaned in towards Hakyeon and caressed the gloomy expression on the older’s face.

He let out one final sigh and kissed the older on the forehead.

“Don’t worry too much about today,” he suddenly said.

Huh?  Hakyeon wasn’t sure what the younger meant as he was still in a daze from Hongbin’s kiss.

“Just get some rest okay?” Hongbin continued.

Hakyeon don’t know why but he nodded obediently.

“Good night.”

*  *  *  *  *  *

Hongbin looked at his clock while he attended the bookstore early that weekend morning. He really didn’t need to be here but it was a good excuse to not stay at home. It was going to be his first date with Hakyeon since they’ve started ‘going out’. Hongbin has no idea what it meant to be going out with anyone and this was his very first time.

What do people do on their date? Hongbin had no idea and when he told that to Hakyeon, the older was determined to make sure Hongbin would have an unforgettable one.

Hongbin wasn’t actually late to meeting Hakyeon at the subway station but more so, he was even earlier than the older arriving at their meeting place. But he couldn’t find himself to appear right away and simply stalled the time as he watched Hakyeon waiting alone for him.

He saw how Hakyeon looked so excitedly while waiting for Hongbin alone. The older couldn’t stop smiling to himself or even standing still in his spot.

Hongbin couldn’t hold his laughter as he knew how much Hakyeon was anticipating for their first date.

How can you be so cute for a grown man? He thought as he saw the older fidgeting his fingers.

Just then, he saw Hakyeon’s change of expression from anticipation to rather a worried face. That’s when Hongbin knew he couldn’t stay hidden for too long. He let out a sigh and finally revealed himself.

During the entire day, he could tell that the older was worried about him not having a great time. It wasn’t because Hongbin was bored or disinterested with their date, it was more because Hongbin didn’t know what to do. He let the older plan everything out yet he also felt useless for making the older do everything for him.

But Hongbin had his pride as a man and didn’t want to tell the other his own worries. To be honest, this so-called date felt too unreal for Hongbin.

If Wonshik and Jaehwan knew about this, he would definitely get in trouble. So, he tried to hold back from touching or getting too close to the older as much as he could.

Except, that plan eventually failed as they were returning home.

Hakyeon was walking silently behind him and he could sense how disappointed the older must have been with their date.

The younger almost felt sorry for making Hakyeon feel that way.

And knowing Hakyeon, he would definitely be thinking of useless stuff such as being a disappointment or boring person for a date.

Hongbin turned around and did something he shouldn’t have.

He held back the entire day from wanting to touch or even kiss Hakyeon and he knew that the older wanted to do the same. But they couldn’t since they were out in public.

So, he took the older somewhere darker and hidden in order to complete their night with a kiss. Hongbin held onto Hakyeon just for a moment and tried to reassure the older that the date wasn’t as much as a failure as the older thought. It’s just, Hongbin didn’t know what dates are supposed to be like.

In fact, rather than fancy cafés and crowded streets, Hongbin preferred the quieter times where the two of them would occupy the bookstore or their home together.

*  *  *  *  *  *

“So you’ve really lost your mind haven’t you?”

As soon as Hongbin entered his apartment, both Wonshik and Jaehwan was waiting there for him.

He gulped knowing exactly where that tone of voice was coming from and how much trouble he was getting himself into.

“Kong-ah…” Jaehwan looked empathetically at the younger.

“We let you come back to find answers to Cha Hakyeon’s fate, not so that the two of you can go on dates,” Wonshik was rather irritated.

“I…” Hongbin swallowed hard not knowing what sort of excuses to say since he was positive that the two friends have read all about what happened thus far.

“I know you must have fallen in love with Hakyeon but do you know how much you will suffer if you do?” Jaehwan reminded him. “I know I told you to follow your path but maybe… it wasn’t right after all.”

“No, hyung! I-“

“Enough,” Wonshik interrupted him. “We shouldn’t have let you enter Hakyeon’s story.”

“But you did anyways!” Hongbin started to argue back.

“And I regret it!” his friend yelled back. “Do you know how much trouble you’ll get into if you’re caught? It’s not just you who’s going to be punished but also Jaehwan-hyung!”

As if Wonshik stabbed Hongbin’s conscience, the younger looked at Jaehwan.

“Hyung, I…” he didn’t know what to say.

Jaehwan was one of the top students for the Coordinator’s department and one who might even become the next Supervisor of that department. If he were to ever get caught with breaking the rules for his friend, not only would he lose his job but will also be severely punished.

“Kong… don’t worry about me. As long as you stop now before it gets out of hand, we can still turn back,” Jaehwan finally said.

“But… But I can’t!” Hongbin shouted in frustration. “Every time I tried to stop, I just can’t! It’s as if my heart is telling me otherwise and I can’t stop these feelings for him!”

Both Jaehwan and Wonshik was speechless.

His tears started to form and he became weak to his knees.

“I really wanted to stop! I really did! Do you think I don’t know what would happen to us if we were caught? I thought about it over and over again but I just can’t stop it. Each time I look at him, each time I catch those eyes looking at me in that way, I just want to give him everything he wants. Hakyeon has never asked for anything from anyone, he’s only gave and sacrificed his everything for other people. Why do I have to follow the laws of fate? Why must I stop these feelings that I can’t even control? How do I make it stop when I don’t even know how it began?”

Hongbin started to question everything he had on his mind and both Wonshik and Jaehwan could only watch as the younger fell into despair.

Jaehwan felt sorry for the younger and knelt down to give the younger a hug.

He rubbed the younger’s back and tears of empathy let out.

“I’m sorry Kong-ah. I didn’t know you were really having such a hard time,” he said. “I know it’s hard and you must be suffering so much on your own. It’s the first time you’ve felt this way isn’t it? Why must it be Cha Hakyeon? Why must you fall for someone that has no future?”