Funeral

Wheein centric - wheesa; angst

a funeral from a dead person's point of view

a/n: here's an updated and edited version of the one-shot. Someone left a comment on how since it's a funeral it has to have a lot of feelings to it and since I'm a huge ing ball of anxiety, I rewrote it and did my best to add details to it. (I have no grudge or in no way felt offended with the comment, it actually helped me somehow with my anxiety while I was writing this). There's a hint on how Wheein died but I didn't make it detailed. Some parts of the story are from my experience. And again, I hope I didn't trigger anyone. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm all ears.

warning: mention(s) of suicide, anxiety, depression.

🌚🌞

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be dead? To feel distant to your own body, to lack the feeling of touch? I have and now I think I know what it feels like. To see yourself on a casket, your eyes shut and your lips pursed. Your hands resting on top of each other over your stomach. That white dress your mother made you wear for the last time and suddenly, you feel all the emotions at once even when you’re really not supposed to feel them. I feel so empty but at the same time I’m feeling every emotion there is, does that make sense? Seeing myself lying on a casket with a flower crown on my head, I looked peaceful, something I haven’t experienced in a while when I was alive. But even so, I feel guilty. To see everyone visiting me at my funeral with forlorn faces and then I wonder if dying was the right choice.

But what does it feel like to be alive when you spend your days thinking of yourself dying? When you imagine yourself getting hit by a truck or jumping off a tall building. It feels normal to me already. I picture myself dying so much it didn’t come as a surprise when I found myself holding a blade over my wrist, but I acted surprised anyway because the thought of leaving everyone behind scared me for a moment. Byulyi unnie saw me that time, with my eyes b with tears, looking at her with guilt. I wanted to say sorry, for trying to kill myself but I couldn’t speak. I just stood there trying to read her expression, trying to see how disappointed she was but I couldn’t. She didn’t say anything, she just grabbed the blade from my hand and hugged me. The tears were just there, they didn’t fall, I didn’t feel the need to sob but it hurt anyway. To have that heavy feeling swimming in my chest that I badly wanted gone but I can’t because it’s consuming me.

I tried to be okay after that, or at least act okay but trying to prove to everyone that you’re okay when in all honesty, you don’t even know if you're truly okay was getting harder each day. Before I died, I spent my days trying to stop my anxiety and depression from winning. I spent days alone in my bed, trying to get up and do something productive but I always end up doing the exact opposite. I was basically dead already. I felt guilty for everyone who made time for me just to make sure I’m okay, that I’m alive and I’m not losing myself. But now, I feel even more guilty that the person they tried to save was now dead. I sat at the corner of the room, looking at everyone who comes in. I’m specifically waiting for my best friends to come. Byulyi unnie, Yongsun unnie, and Hyejin. They wouldn’t see me nor feel me but I want to say sorry. I want to say sorry for failing them, for letting the anxiety and depression get to me. But sometimes, you just can’t win. All you can do is to let