March 26, 2016

I was quite sure I have seen this scene before. It's like this whole event reoccur over and over again. 

The park was enlivened with a pink petal storm. I lock my fingers with another man's. His hand was oddly like a female's, so smooth and delicate. Once we stopped under a tree that appeared to be bigger than the others, I turned to see him staring back at me. His eyes twinkled, and his lips were in a smile the whole earth would bow to. To my surprise, I smiled back. He suddenly leaned against my body, stood on tiptoes and pressed his lips against mine. All of my insides melted as I sank into his marshmallow-like lips. So soft and sweet. 

"I Love one person, I missed one person
, and that girl has left
I want to smile
so she can't see my deep despair" (KoreanMyuzicStyleZ.blogpost.ca)

Han Kyung-il's ballad "Loved Someone" sends me back into reality. I find myself cocooned in my blue blanket and pillows. I groggily sit up and shut the alarm off my phone. I then stare at the time followed by a caption.

8 am

Showtime in Osaka Castle Park

The heavy weight of a lazy morning immediately lifts off my body like a veil. Thank God it's still spring break! I have to worry about neither the massive course loads nor the deadly pressure on aiming for A+ at this moment because I can finally use my energy to reveal my true self. 

Without wanting to waste more of my precious holiday time, I skip away from my bed to wash up and slip into a brownish-orange jacket underneath a white shirt and my proud pair of white pants. As I dash off my apartment with a sandwich held between my teeth and an oak-color satchel over my left shoulder, my phone buzzes. I look to see a text from my best friend of 13 years, Yesung. 

Yesung: I hope you're not still in bed! We have a big crowd ahead of us! 

I chuckle and replied, "Don't worry, buddy! I'll be there, asap!

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I can tell that God has answered my prayers along the way because I've found a parking space close to the entrance of the park. At first, I don't know why Yesung chooses this place. This is a park, not a city. Will we be able to attract an audience? We're merely street performers. How can we ever earn coins in this spacious area? 

I grab my satchel, lock my car and run as fast as my legs could carry me down the trails. Now I know why Yesung texts me earlier. He expects me to be here at the crack of dawn because of how much physical energy it takes to get all the way to the top where the green and white castle is located. Funny that I've been living in Osaka for so many years, yet I have not been here before. Guess I'm not into climbing steep stone stairs. 

Still, I make my way to the top of the last flight of steps before kneeling on one knee to catch my breath. I am about to wipe off my sweaty forehead when suddenly Yesung's voice echoes in the morning air, "There he is! The star of the show!" I narrow my eyes as I get up, "You could have told me to come over early." Yesung gives a cheeky grin, "Well, you should have asked me to clarify, Kyuhyun. I've mentioned the time to you days ago." 

Yeah right...

I shove that thought to the back of my head. I can deal with that later. Right now, tourists and locals are scattered all over the area. They are strolling around the square, waiting for the historic building to open. I make a beeline to my band and greet them with high fives and hugs. Yesung has his guitar strap slung over his shoulder and his fingers in position on the strings. Kibum, my 18-years-old cousin, get himself ready at his drum set. And just as we have planned, a rented keyboard with a microphone is all set up. 

Kibum taps his drumsticks while he counts to three. People start to turn their heads to us as I play the intro while Yesung and Kibum follow my lead. 

"Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Less than one minute old" (lyricsmode.com)

I can feel hearts instantly pouring out from squealing girls. Everyone tells me that my voice is like a cupid's arrow, but I don't want to be too proud of it. I just like to sing. Music is my number one passion. Studying comes second. I just like seeing smiles on people's faces whenever I show off my vocals; I don't even care much about stealing hearts. Whatever it is, music is the tonic to my life. It helps me to escape from school. It relieves me from negativity. 

After I finish the Stevie Wonder classic, we are surrounded by a semicircle of clapping and cheering spectators. And as usual, Yesung's guitar case is filled with a pool of coins and several dollar bills. Just like magic. ;) 

"Way to go, boys!" I smile. 

"Well, especially for you, cousin!  You killed it as always," Kibum pats my shoulder. 

"He's right." a stranger's voice startles us. We look up to see a man wearing a grey and white business suit, a pair of shiny black loafers and a billionaire smile. I hear a soft gasp from Yesung. I notice Kibum nearly drops his drumsticks. 

"Choi Siwon?" I immediately recognize. 

"Indeed." the man chuckles. 

"No way! It really is you!" Yesung squeaks. 

"I guess you have heard of Choi Entertainment."

"Are you kidding me? We've been catching up to as many K-pop groups as we can under Choi Entertainment, including Sapphire15!" Kibum jabs.

I chip in, "We still listen to them now." 

The impression is written all over Mr.Choi's face. He immediately pulls out on what seems like a business card, "Well, what if you would like to be one of us?" 

We all stare at him in disbelief. He is literally holding the white rectangle engraved in a glossy gold font, the ticket to my wildest dream. I swear to God, I will do anything! Literally, anything just to get there! 

Illusions of me being a K-pop star swim in my head like a drug. Suddenly, I feel someone shaking me by the shoulders. I find myself facing the CEO of the music company. "Well? What do you say?" he asks.

I look at my two bandmates eagerly, Yesung suddenly raises his hand, "I have a question, Mr. Choi."

"That is?"

He squints his eyes, suspiciously, "Why do you choose us?" 

Siwon taps his chin with the card for a few seconds. He points at us with the card, "Let me tell you something, boys. I've been searching for talents all over the world, and when I discover someone with a gift that speaks hope to the future of K-pop, I always make sure that the person with the talent wants to make a change too." 

"So...what you're saying it is...you think that we have the potential to become K-pop stars?"  I clarify. 

"You got that right!" he winks, "I've been wandering around in Osaka for quite a few times now, and you guys are by far the best street performers I've ever seen in my life! The way you play your instruments is just so smooth and focused! You all seem to be having fun as well! And, oh, don't get me started with that beautiful voice of yours...uh..." 

"Kyuhyun," I reply. 

"Kyuhyun!" he continues, "Your voice got those girls crazy. I bet you will attract thousands when you join Choi Entertainment. Trust me! You will be phenomenal!" 

I can feel my cheeks exploding, but I can't erase the joy displayed all over my face. I immediately stand up and announce, "I'm in!" 

Yesung and Kibum join me seconds later. I watch Mr. Choi handing his card to me, "You can call this number to book for an audition. I look forward to seeing you soon." 

I can hear an imaginary crowd cheering for us. No one's gonna stop us now! No one's gonna stop ME now! Not even one person! 

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-"No! You can't go!" Appa snaps. 

"Mwo? Wae?" I gasp.

"Because it's a waste of time! Besides, you are to be a doctor and not a singer." 

"But, I love singing, Appa!" 

"Singing is just a hobby! I'm disappointed that young people nowadays are just throwing themselves in ridiculous fields and pursuing such useless careers. I don't want you to fall into traps where you can't earn money, and you can't make a living." 

"Appa," my temper starts to break free, "You don't understand the world today. Music plays a big part in our lives, especially K-pop! K-pop is big, Appa! If I can just being one of them, I can make a change to the world! It doesn't have to be science or business or architecture! Arts is a big deal too!" 

"Ahdeul (son)," he takes a deep breath, "I know you love music. I know you want this. However, I don't see you being in it." 

I feel like I get stabbed. I can't believe he just says that. 

"I've raised you for 20 years to become a responsible, knowledgable and respectful person. Do you think you're qualified to be a musician? That's a myth! You are ought to be a professional, not a fool seeking attention." 

"Appa, geez!" I am about to throw my laptop off the table, "You just don't understand." 

"Don't you dare misjudge me, Kyuhyun." he booms, "Whatever it is, you are NOT to go for the audition. I want you to study hard and follow the path as I've planned."

I open my mouth to argue back, but my voice hides away at the back of my throat.  Before I know it, his face is wiped off from my laptop screen. I can't stop looking at his stone-face DP on the Skype window. At one point, I am relieved that they have moved back to Seoul. Appa has to take care of his business in language institutions. He comes by to Japan sometimes to check on his cram schools (a term Japanese students use to describe after school classes). But at another point, he has his eyes on me like a hawk. He always barges in when I chat with Umma on a video call, nagging me countless times to hit the books. It's always about him. ALWAYS! And I'm getting so freaking sick of it! I wish I can tell him off, but he'll be so furious that he'll slap me. 

Speaking of Umma, I'm more comfortable talking to her. She's like a heart whisperer. She knows what to do to cheer me up, from corny jokes to ridiculous but light-hearted stories she has experienced when teaching business at Hanyang University in Seoul. I don't mean to be frank but, I don't know how Umma is a match to Appa. She's more open and friendly, while Appa's more of a strict and uptight person. I wonder how long he has lived under a rock. She supports our dreams, but not him. My nonna, Cho Ara, ran away from home once she finished high school four years ago just to study music in Austria. She is now a successful violinist; she is invited to go on concert tours all over the world as a special guest. Appa once found out about her playing in Singapore. He doesn't talk about it, but from what I see, he doesn't seem happy or supportive. And now, he's pushing all of his expectations on me, the next (and last) in line. 

The Skype call just now is just brutal. If only Umma finishes her class sooner, she can come to my rescue. 

April 3, 2016

"I know you love music. I know you want this. However, I don't see you being in it." 

F***!

Why I can't stop replaying his discouraging advice in my head??? It's like he's a mastermind of the future generation or something. 

It has been days since I last Skype calling. Umma has been really busy with preparing her teaching plans and presentation slides and stuff for the upcoming semester. I understand that she has her priorities, but I wish I can hear the Skype tune and see her sweet smile profile picture on my computer. I miss her so much. 

I decide to go out for a walk down Kema Sakuranomiya Park to clear off the cloudy thoughts in my head. Maybe immersing myself in the hanami (cherry blossom shower watch) will help. I grab my icy cold water bottle (as I'm too lazy to boil water for my thermos flask) and my car keys before heading out. To my surprise, the wind is not as chilly as before. The spring weather today is just...peaceful. The drive is relaxing as well. I expect that there will be a little bit of traffic at this hour, but so far it is a pretty smooth trip. 

The cherry blossoms guarding the river beckon me to fall deep into the surroundings. Just like I remember, the park is pampered with ribbons of petals. Each gust of wind is a sweet flowery scent. This place is indeed special. Couples always come here to enjoy their time together. Some say that this place is an ideal place to find your destiny. However, I find it nonsense. How can you ever find your destiny in this magical place? I mean, it does look like a magical place, but you'll only be blinded by the beauty of nature rather than another person. 

I walk through the left bank of the river; the cloudy thoughts I have half an hour ago instantly vanish. Instead, they are replaced by memories I have back when I was nine years old. Yesung and I have been close since third grade, but we also have another friend who we used to be so close with. Kim Ryeowook, the short and chubby boy with eyes as bright as stars you can find in a clear night sky. We called ourselves the KRY, thanks to Ryeowook, who simply took the first letters of our names and merged them into one. It sounded a lot like "cry", but it meant something else. You see, when we formed into a trio, we would do covers from hit songs back then. Not only we loved to play hopscotch and fold origami and pretend to be astronauts, but we also took our love of music seriously. Yesung's お母さん (Okaasan-mother), who was a vocal coach and piano teacher, held mini-concerts for her students and neighbors to watch us sing. Every time before we took over the wooden stage, we were so nervous that we bounced on Yesung's leather coach just to shake off the jitters. I even remember how crossed Yesung's Otoosan was when he caught us jumping like monkeys (Hehe...get it? Three little monkeys jumping on a bed? Well..not exactly bed but hey we didn't break our heads). Anyway, we were always praised by Mrs. Kim's guests on how well our voices blend together. We once made a vow to ourselves one day that we would sign a contract of a music company to become an official band. However, when Ryeowook burst in tears when he approached at my door one cold night, saying that he's moving to North America,...it was like the whole world was crumbling right before my eyes. And after he left us, Yesung and I never heard from him ever since. Maybe it's because the mail on the other side of the globe was too expensive that his parents couldn't afford. And the fact that he's gone makes me realize that our vow back then will never come true. 

Still, it's my dream to be a star. Kibum now replaces Ryeowook as the third member of my band. KKY. That sounds okay, I guess. But...honestly...I miss Ryeowook. If he hadn't left us, we would still be called KRY. I wouldn't blame him. He has his own life now. Somewhere in the Western world, I can feel that he's doing great. 

I'm now standing near the fence, watching the water lapping roughly against uneven rocks. The wind has gone strangely fierce. My eyes then move up to see the other side. I spot a man around my age with crimson bangs shielding his eyes. Those eyes look somewhat familiar. Have I seen those before? They are like a couple of black pearls with a sparkle left behind after polishing. His face is small; it matches his tiny frame. He suddenly sees me and his smile disappears. He squints for a moment before he hangs his mouth slightly like he wants to speak. I stare back at him; my mind searches whether I've seen him around. Unfortunately, my thoughts are cut off due to vibration from my jeans pocket. 

Yesung: Hey! R u up for shabu shabu? We need 2 discuss abt the audition. 

I sigh and reply, "Sure, let me know the add." before turning my heel to east. "Looks like my alone time is over," I mumble as I walk back to the parking lot. 

Kyuhyun (キュヒョン)