Nam-joon P.O.V

   It was Saturday, so I didn’t have to get up and do anything. So, that’s just what I did. Nothing. I just sat down on my bed, with my cover wrapped around me and I kept the light off in my room. I noticed that my phone kept going off, telling me that I had new messages. Which I knew was probably all from Dae. I heard the door to my room open and I knew that it was my parents.

   I heard my mom sigh. “Why are you still in bed? Why are you not studying? At least for a little bit you ought to study.” I ignored her and kept staring out my window. “What are we going to do honey? It seems like there’s nothing we can do to get it through his head. He doesn’t care at all.”

   My mom threw her arms up in frustration. “I give up! I have no energy left. Just let him be. If he wants to go through life not working hard for anything, let him. I’m officially done.” She stomped out of my room in fits of anger.

   All I heard from my dad was “tsk” and he followed closely behind my mom. Lately, my parents have stopped communicating with me. They just keep going on about their daily lives like I’m not even here. I mean, it’s no different from how they were before but at least they did talk to me, even if it were only about my grades and studying. It’s like I hurt their pride or something. Being my parents, their smart son was their pride and joy. They were glad that they could brag about their son to their colleagues and friends.

   When quietness came back into my room, I fell back against my bed and rolled over on my side. Waking up is painful, breathing is painful, walking is painful, sleeping is painful and talking is painful. I have completely given up. So recently, I’ve become interested in death so much that funerals became my source of entertainment.

   “I wonder how my death would be?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I’m so infatuated with death that I went to get my picture taken and went to buy some white chrysanthemums for my funeral. It’s not me personally thinking about it, it’s the demons within. They’re dark and they whisper death into my ears. They put depression on my mind and spread loneliness all over my soul. They’re everywhere...and I’m continuously letting them come in. I’m welcoming them into my body. It is now their home.

   I, on the other hand, have gotten eight ideas on how to kill myself. Cutting, drowning, electrocution, hanging, jumping, overdose, poisoning and then suffocation. Just thinking about it, I couldn’t help but smile. Honestly, I doubt anyone would miss me at all. Rather, they would probably throw a party. It took weeks but I finally accepted it.

   My parents have given up hope for me. It’s not like they had any to begin with anyway. All they care about are grades. They don’t care about me. All because of a slip up, one slip up, their whole life was over because of it. I’m completely over it.

   Once again, I heard a knock on my door. I heard his voice. The voice that I haven’t heard in a long time. “Nam-joon...” I heard Dae softly whisper. The door closed and I heard his footsteps come closer. I could feel his presence hover right above my bed. He then sat down on the corner of my bed. “Why are you being like this huh? Really...I don’t even know what I did that made you so angry at me. Why...”

   I stayed on my side and left my back facing him. I didn’t feel like talking to him and I pulled my covers tighter around my body as to barricade myself from being approached. Soft sniffles could be heard from behind me. My mind went back to thinking about the white chrysanthemums and how pretty they were. The whiteness of the flowers was so enticing that it was enough to pull you in.

   Jongdae angry voice dragged me out from the thoughts that was running wild in my mind. “What is wrong with you!? We’ve been friends for so long and now you’re shutting me out? It’s like you’re not even Nam-joon anymore. It’s like someone else has took shelter in your body.” He then started ranting about depression and why you should talk to people about it. I was getting annoyed at his useless words and I sat up and yelled, “Get out.” He looked even more pissed. Good, the demon whispered sickeningly sweet in my ears. "Oh? He speaks." The voices were starting to consider using the noose for him instead.

   There was a little voice in the back of my head, one that I haven’t heard in so long. It told me that I should try to forgive and fix what was wrong with us. Telling me that it was wrong to treat my friend like that. In my mind’s eye, the voice started to get drowned out by pretty white chrysanthemums petals that was falling gracefully. I was brought out of my musing by Jongdae shaking my shoulders, telling me to snap out of it. “Snap out of what? What do you think is wrong with me? I’m not crazy so leave.”

   “You need help. We have to get you help because you’re not yourself anymore. Something is wrong.” I scoffed and roughly slapped his hand off my shoulder. I glared sharply at his worried face and in a deathly chilled voice I responded by saying, “Get out before I do something you’ll regret. It’s my final time telling you. Also, tell my parents that they can go to hell.” Gasping, Jongdae started to step back, shaking his head in disbelief.

   “Nam-joon. I don’t know if this is a phase or that you are just feeling unwell but I know now. I am not the one to help you with this.” With tears freely flowing down his cheeks, he finally left my room. He was lucky. If he had stayed any longer, I might have gotten to see my beautiful flowers sooner. Well...maybe not mine but his. I could feel an evil smirk crawl onto my face. After letting my dark thoughts run its course, a rush of guilt came and hit me square in the face. Did I...did I really think of murder? My best friend since I was able to walk...Huh. Maybe I should end it. This world was like white paper and I was the black ink spot in the center. I shrugged and rolled back over on my side. A peaceful sleep came and found me quickly.

                                                        ~~~~~~~

   I woke up to knocking on my door. “Dinner is ready. That’s is, if you even want to put towards the effort to come and eat.” I heard mom voice. Dinner? I laughed to myself and stood up. Dinner is going to be fun. I smiled and I walked down stairs and sat down at the dinner table. No one said anything for almost 15 minutes. All you could hear was the clatter of silver ware hitting the plates. I want to mess with them. See how they would react. I placed my fork down.

   “Oma...” I made my voice sound like it used to when I was younger. “Do you own a black Hanbok? I am positive that you will look absolutely gorgeous in it.” I heard her utensils fall against the table and it fell on the floor. I looked up with an innocent smile. I saw her face fill with fear and disgust. I moved my eyes towards my father and saw that he shared the same emotion as my mother.

   “Kim Nam-joon! What kind of nonsense are you talking about? It’s enough that I am willing to accept your lack of effort for school but this unacceptable. What happen to my beautiful smart child? What child in their right mind asks their mother do they have a black Hanbok?” I began to laugh loud. It was a crazy laugh that psychos do when they're accused of murder. My personality did a 360 degree turn from earlier. My father decided to take the time and speak up. “Nam-joon. Please tell me. Are we expecting to go to a funeral soon? If not, this is completely and utterly unacceptable.”

   I continue to laugh and took a jab at my steak with the knife in hand. My parents flinched at my action. “I just wanted to know. That’s all. There’s nothing to it. Anyway. I heard one of the neighbors met an untimely ending. So sad, right?” My smile widens but everything stopped when I noticed tears began to fill her eyes. “Ah... juesonghamnida. I did it again, didn’t I?” I placed my hand to my mouth and acted surprised. I stood up and gave them a bow. “I’ll go now.” Leaving my half-filled plate, and made my way back to my room. I was slipping back and forth and the voices were starting to take over. I needed to get them under control. Soon, they will be silenced anyway. I won’t make this mistake anymore.

   I decided it was time to write some more lyrics. Writing usually take my mind off of things. Grabbing a piece of paper, I started writing the words that had already flooded my mind.

“I didn’t have any dreams

just like my lyrics, every day in that way

the functions and equations that couldn’t give me an answer”

I stopped writing because I heard those voices again and they were stronger this time. I gripped my pencil and started again.

“In the end those things became uncountable injuries

with that light, make it so I can see the stars hidden behind

like that, every day while going to kill me

without even a meaning, the day is suspended from number play like the ranking of Hanwoo

I just wanted to succeed

the words I tediously heard from others were only that”

   I closed my eyes as I felt my heart speed up. They were coming in quicker this time. Saying things that I would never say or even think. My head was starting to pound. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I grabbed my pencil so hard that my hand was turning red. I started to write quicker.

“I thought I could catch the mirage known as happiness

but the me in front of my desk wasn’t happy even for a moment

without my mom knowing, I put a sheet of white paper between the pages of my workbook

my identity that I wrote down matched to the drum and bass

a different, relaxed feeling compared to when I got my report card

even when I was #1, my heart couldn’t relax”

   "Agghh!!" I yelled out in agony and dropped my pencil. It clattered to the floor and rolled over to my bed. I collapsed on the floor still clutching my head. Screaming, I was rolling back and forth. They're angry. The demons... are mad at me for taking too long. Give in already is what they're whispering.

   "No!" I was still rolling around and right before I squeezed my eyes shut, I saw a flash of white and I stood up. I started to search for it frantically before I saw it fall gently on the ground. That’s when I noticed it. I saw sunlight shooting down on one spot. Looking down , it was a pile of white. It looked so... welcoming and soft. It looked like a bed that could swallow you whole. I started to make my over slowly. The voices was surrounding me in whispers. I felt hands crawl over my body, pulling me from the front and some was pushing me from behind, making my steps hurried.

"Beautiful..."

   I was in front of the pile now. I lifted my leg to take a step. Right before I placed it down, I screamed out. "NOO!" I fell down to a squat. No. No. Not yet. I can't come yet. I still have something to take care of. Please! I'll meet you. I promise! I pleaded with them. I just want to take care of this one thing.

   In a blink of an eye, I was standing back in my room, gasping for air. With shaky hands, I pulled out my phone from my pocket and pushed a few numbers. I placed it to my ears after I heard someone say hello. "Yes." I answered back with a monotonous voice. Damn those demons, changing my voice as they please. "I am Kim Nam-joon from yesterday. I'm going to text you an addressed. What I asked you yesterday... can you do it tomorrow at noon?" I became silent as they talked. "Yes. Thank you." I hung up and looked outside. It was completely dark outside. It was like someone just tossed black ink over the sky. That's how unreasonably dark it is.

   With no thoughts in mind, I preceded to walk outside. As soon as I stepped outside, I felt the rain pelting my body, stinging with every bite it took at my visible skin. Ignoring it, I continued my walk. I don’t know how far I walked or how long it was but I do know, I walked a long time. Finally reaching the spot that I wanted, I pulled out my phone. I scrolled to the one name that’s been on my mind the whole way here. I don’t have much time left. If I don’t hurry, those damn demons are going to come back and not let me finished what I wanted.

Clicking on the name, I started my text.

It’s too late for me. I can’t hold on anymore. The demons, they are stronger than ever and before I completely lose my mind, I have to say it. I’m sorry. What I did to you was completely wrong. I was wrong. I do hope you forgive me but this is too much. It’s hard and suffocating. I can’t breathe. So this is my final thing that I’m going to say. Please remember , I did and still do care for you. Don’t ever forget me and my love. I’m sorry I couldn’t face you. I’m sorry.

   Pressing send, I dropped my phone. It's finally time. My father never told me to enjoy life but... I wanted to ask my father and mother did they ever enjoy their lives. I want to ask why the natural became unnatural and why the unnatural became natural? Why am I not in my life and in someone else's?

                                                             ~~~~~~~

Je Woo's P.O.V

   The night I kicked Nam-joon out, I heard a scream. I just ignored it and went to sleep to calm my anger. I should be the one screaming, not him. Being rejected after …. I let out a frustrated yell and pulled the cover over my head. Was he mad that I told his parents? Maybe I pulled a move... it wouldn’t have happened if he'd just noticed me! If he'd accepted me...

   I hate him. But...at the exact time that I hate him, I love him. I'm so confused.